This week we're going to stretch the rules a little and include some teams that are not officially in their real season yet, or are teams I have no clue about. But the maybe-new rule I'm going to stick with is: As long as they're making news, I get to include them, even if it's only for the week.
Positive Numbers: Gopher men's and women's track and field (New!). They're here because both teams won the conference championships! The women have won their third straight Big 10 title, and the men won the title for the first time in 11 years. This is the first time a school swept the men's and women's since Wisconsin did it in 1997. In a schedule I don't quite understand, they travel next to Iowa State and Notre Dame for something called qualifiers. That probably means I'll drop them next week. Whatever -- congrats again!
#0: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: 0). No upsets as they swept Bemidji State. And the awards continue to come: Gigi Marvin was named conference Outstanding Student-Athlete, Monique Lamoureux Rookie, Melanie Gagnon Defensive Player, and Brad Frost Coach Of The Year. Getting into what's officially called the WCHA Final Faceoff (and what should be called the WCHA Women's Final Four) should ensure the Lady Gophs a spot in the NCAA Tournament. Even better is that all this is at Ridder because they won the regular-season title. Will they win?
#-1: Swarm (Last Week: -8). Now that's the ticket! The Swarm end their five-game losing streak by winning at both Toronto and Buffalo. They had four road games to go, but I just saw on their schedule that the next-to-last game has been switched to a home game against Calgary. WTF? Then I saw on Ticketmaster (in one of the few times they've been helpful and not taking your money) that it was a road game against Chicago ... which ceased operations about a fortnight before the season was about to begin. A moment of silence for the Shamrox. There's the National Lacrosse League All-Star Game this weekend in Denver. Cheer on Swarm D's Ryan Cousins and Nick Inch this Saturday -- if you can find a place to see or hear the game.
#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -1). Not bad -- 3-2, but those three wins was a sweep of their Dairy Queen Classic, which reached a quarter-century old this year. I was at the game against Washington Saturday night. You know the reason I love college sports? The imperfection from people, most of whom will end their competitive play at this level but are fortunate enough not to need to pay a scholarship to go to college (although that is markedly not the case for college baseball, I grant you). Here, the first Gopher at-bat was a hit by pitch. The last Gopher at-bat was an HBP, but with the bases loaded. Minnesota was plunked four times by the Huskies, the last one by losing pitcher Brian Pearl, whom Baseball America singled out as one of the best players on Washington. The lesser-known, non-discounted tournament Minnesota hosts is this weekend: The Metrodome Tournament. I want to go out and see Western Michigan this Saturday night -- not because it's Western Michigan, but because I need something to do on a Saturday night.
#-3: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -3). Go to Penn State for the conference championships. I don't know how a wrestling match goes, so these 11-way free-for-alls totally confuse me. I don't know how many Gophers are wrestling, or how they're going to score this, or what are the team's chances on winning the title ... well, I can guess they have no shot.
#-4: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5). Not completely dead yet, though there is a lot of turbulence ahead. A tie against then-#14 UMD on Friday led to a 2-0 lead against the Bulldogs on Saturday. At the baseball game they updated the score, and I when I heard they were leading I was overcome with joy -- OK, I was pleased. But then they updated some more: 2-1, then 2-2, then UMD led 3-2. Now I was pissed. Third period ... they tie! And they score!! And then they scored again before it was all over!!! Gophs win 5-3, which (comedown here) gives them the chance to earn home-ice advantage for the WCHA first round best-of-3 series. All they have to do is sweep at Michigan Tech this weekend. These guys have been the worst program in conference history, and yet I'm not sure they'll do it.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4). For a bubble team that will probably be wearing road uniforms if they reach the second round of the Big Dance, they did what you expected them to: they lost on the road (Illinois) but won at home (Wisconsin) against fellow bubblers. The game at Williams was awesome, and I'm glad I bit the bullet and scalped a ticket for $20 to get inside eight minutes late. They were leading throughout but the Badgers finally found their shot in the second half. (Marcus Landry was particularly dagger-like with his four 3's). But Lawrence Westbrook came off the bench to save his team's ass, penetrating down the stretch and making tough shots and, at the very end, canning six straight free throws. They outscored Wisky 10-0 to end the game from five down to five up, 51-46. They say that if the Gophers defeat Michigan at the Barn Saturday afternoon, they've sown up a spot in the tourney.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6). They did the exact opposite of their male counterparts: They won on the road (Michigan State, comfortably) but lost at home (Illinois, equally comfortably). The Spartans had 19 wins, the Illini 9. What gives? They rank lower than the men's b-ball team because they're confusing the hell out of me and that loss was on Senior Day. How do you end Emily Fox's career on a loss to a team you should beat? These guys are too mercurial to analyze; they could win or piss away against Iowa Friday in Indianapolis. Every win is still important; Charlie Creme of ESPN says they're one of the Last Four Teams In.
#-7: Twins (New!). I should've put them on the survey when they signed Joe Crede, and I also should have when Boof Bonser tore his labrum and punted the whole fuckin' year. Sorry; in retrospect those two pieces of news should've been enough to write about them here. My excuse for putting them on this week: Their perfect season ended after four games on Sunday. By the way, Nate Silver predicts the Twinkies will finish 80-82. They were definitely playing above their heads last year; karma's gonna be a bitch this year.
#-8: Vikings (Re-Entry!). For losing Matt Birk, hometown boy and director of a very good offensive line. I couldn't ever think he would skip town, but I guess he said, "Fuck the hometown discount" and signed with the Bastard Browns. Worst yet, St. Paul's best has decided to completely uproot his family (he has four young kids) from the only place he has ever called home. That's a blow -- to the organization and to the state. I blame both Birk (for so coolly turning his back on Minnesota) and the Vikings (for thinking second-year guy John Sullivan will be able to replace him).
#-9: Wild (Last Week: -2). Good news, I guess, is that they signed G Niklas Backstrom. But with their 0-3 skid to begin their road-heavy end of the season, I still say they were better off punting this whole fucking season and see what they can get for him. At least the Wild were taking turns with Vancouver on Tuesday: They scored two their two goals, and then allowed the Canucks to score their four. Not a good defensive effort lately from a team that prides itself on defense. Since the X was hosting the girls' high school hockey tournament last weekend and the high school wrestling tourney this weekend, these guys are still on the road, for three, all against the Cali teams, until they can get back home and host San Jose on Tuesday. I fully expect them to lose all four. And then where will they be? It's great that they have stability in net, but who cares if they can't win?
#-10: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). These guys suck. They were teasing us, and now they are who we thought they are, so we can now revert back to our original thought that this team may be the worst ever in franchise history and that Kevin McFail should be fired. (Feels nice to get to say "McFail" again.) An 0-3 week, all at home, and now they've lost seven in a row. Is Al Jefferson that important to the team, or have the players all mentally checked out for the season because their lead dog can't play anymore? There are now only two reasons to come to Target Center: To grab the free swag they'll throw into the stands (and you'll probably have a better chance nowadays since less people are showing up) and masturbating to the cheerleaders (you're assured of having a good time then). Maybe that's why Glen Taylor announced firesale season ticket packages for next year. I'm glad the organization is realistic in what is going on with the team, but at some point they're going to see that not even cheap tickets will bring in people when the main attraction is five chumps. They plan to lose at Lakers, at Portland, vs. Washington and vs. Memphis this week.
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