#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Two Weeks Ago: 0). Well, at least they got to the Women's Frozen Four, which is what was expected of them. My doubts, and the reason I don't have them at 0 or Positive Numbers, is that they lost the women's WCHA Tournament Final, at home, to Wisconsin, whom the Lady Gophs could face if they beat Mercyhurst in the National Semi-Final Saturday in Boston. As I've said before, it should be Championship Or Bust for this team, and yet they have demonstrated weakness with both the Lady Badgers and UMD, the fourth member of the Frozen Four.
#-2: Swarm (Two Weeks Ago: -1). Frankly, I have no idea why these guys should be ranked so high. They're here because, as has been the case so many times, the other teams on the survey are worse. These guys are undefeated these past two weeks, provided you don't count them being part of the Western Conference's loss in the National League Lacrosse All-Star Game. But hey, they did beat Philadelphia at Philadelphia! An important game Sunday night at Colorado, a team ahead of the Swarm by a half-game.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Two Weeks Ago: -4). They keep stumbling ahead even though I've given up on them. They needed just one win against Michigan Tech, a program that under any metric should be discontinued, but they lose their first game. That should've meant that they had to go on the road for the WCHA 10-becomes-5 play-in series for the first time I can think of, but miraculously all the other teams tied with them also lost their first games, so the Gophs got another chance -- which they made good on by finally winning, earned home-ice advantage in their 5/6 series with St. Cloud State, and promptly swept the Huskies (whom they also beat four times during the season), thereby virtually assuring they're going to be in the NCAA Tournament no matter what happens in this week's Final Five. These guys are still holding by their fingernails to postseason success.
#-4: Gopher baseball (Two Weeks Ago: -2). Over these past two weeks they've gone 5-3 -- winning all five, then losing all three, all of them while latching onto the last possible spot on the Top 25 Poll. Their Janus-like results are even more stark: They swept the Metrodome Tournament (I was there when they hammered Western Michigan 7-1 on the 7th) and then took the first two games against then-11th-ranked TCU at Fort Worth. But since the new poll came out on Monday and the two teams played their finale ranked, Minnesota hasn't won. They're most of the way through their "Texas Three-Step": They just finished getting swept in two games by Texas-Arlington, and finish their road trip with three this weekend at Dallas Baptist. Hmmm ... Fort Worth, Arlington, Dallas ... they're close enough to each other that these guys can stay in the same hotel for the whole week-plus. Hopefully they had time to go out to Baby Dolls, the best strip club in the DFW area.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Two Weeks Ago: -5). Congratulations to the Gophers for going dancing for the first time in four years. Too bad they did their damndest to give back that invite, losing at home to Michigan (on Senior Day!), winning what I guess was an elimination game over Northwestern, then predictably losing to Michigan State. Ten seeds have fared very well in the Tournament recently (Davidson was a #10 when they ripped through the field last year), but I don't think they're dynamic enough to defeat Texas, even as up-and-down as they appear to be. And even if they do win this, Duke, as overrated as they chronically appear to be, should handle them. Great building block for the future ... so long as Tubby stays.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Two Weeks Ago: -6). And yes, congrats are also in order for the hard-ballin' Lady Gophs too. After a one-year absence from the Big Dance, they are also in the Tournament, also as a 10-seed. Unfortunately for them, they have to play #7 Notre Dame at Notre Dame. And like their penis-wielding counterparts, they also stated their case to the WNIT, pissing down their legs in their first game of the Big 10 Tournament and losing to Iowa. Not going to the postseason with a head of steam, guys. And worst of all, Tayler Hill, quite possibly the best girl baller the state has ever had, probably will spurn Minnesota and head for either Marquette, Texas, or Duke. What happened to building a wall around the state and keeping the blue-chippers?
#-7: Wild (Two Weeks Ago: -9). Give up on this team; only the absurd length of the NHL regular season is keeping this team within spitting distance of playoff spot. They, like both college basketball teams, have been generous, really going 3-5, even though they collected a pity point in three of those losses. If they're not going to be consistent in either offense, defense or goaltending, I doubt it's all gonna come together at this point in the season. Since the WCHA is using the X this weekend, the Wild are on the road for three of four games this week, visiting all three New York-area clubs (though, oddly, not in a row; game at home against Edmonton after New Jersey and before the Rangers). Stripper hounds, the NYC stripclub scene is overrated, but you have the money, so go to Flashdancers. Hope you don't mind Eastern European and Brazilian chicks!
#-8: Timberwolves (Two Weeks Ago: -10). OK, they're not totally irredeemable, just plenty irredeemable. They went 2-6 these past few weeks, but frankly I thought they would drop all 8. Plus, I got comped for the Bobcats game on Saturday, and I was wrong about Kevin Love. He led all the T-Wolves with 22 points, and he seemed like he knew what he was doing out there. And even though they shouldn't be in their long-term plans, Rodney Carney and Brian Cardinal are the type of role players that help keep a team's production up when the starters need a blow. Those two guys can ball! Three of their four games this week are on the road; their only home game comes Sunday afternoon against the Bastard Seattle Supersonics, and I hate them even more because they're playing at the same time as the Tournament games at the Dome, which I plan on going, and now I have to worry about finding a parking space, goddammit...
#-9: Wrestling (Two Weeks Ago: -3). Um, I don't know what happened here, I just know that it isn't great news for the Gopher Grapplers. They finished a very disappointing 5th in the conference championships last weekend, and only five people on the team get to wrestle in the NCAAs. Does that mean that they're not gonna win the team title? I don't know, I guess; I mean, five ain't that big of a number for a rasslin' team. ...
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