Disruption, Then Guilt

I don't think I've sighed as much as I have today.  I do that whenever I feel overwhelmed, which I almost always do, but moreso today than usual.

It's money issues again.  The only credit card I could find -- my other credit card I can't find since My Fucking Father cleaned out my old bedroom -- has a credit card limit that I could have crossed when I charged the back half of the repairs on my car (have I blogged about it?) Thursday.  This afternoon, I realized that I underestimated how little of my credit limit I still have.  All the repairs I have done is on this billing cycle.  In short, I have six weeks to come up with two grand.  I have the money now, but it would further, um, disrupt what little money I have.  Goddamn, I need a job.

I woke up at noon.  I wanted to go back to sleep, but I remembered that there was a whole lot of shit to do in preparation for My Father's return home for my uncle's funeral -- clean up my stuff on the dining room table, move the excess shirts he threatened to throw away, set my sister's bedroom back to the way it was so it looked like I never slept there, move back the small TV, etc.  Father called and said he caught a flight back Saturday night, but I still thought I didn't have a whole lot of time to do things.  He could go ballistic if things aren't as clean as he expects them to be around the house, so I have to prioritize, and the rest of the chores, well, fuck 'em.

But I still don't know.  And when I decide that something has to be done, I realize that other things have to be done as well -- my papers, for example.  My Fucking Father's been bitching at me to clean that up, so I put them in bags.  But then I had to move them into my storage space.  But when should I go, tomorrow or tonight?  Since I think I have to do stuff tomorrow, I chain up a trip to storage to drop off those bags on my way to working out, which means I can't leave later than I wanted to, which means I have to cut my nap off sooner, and blah, blah, blah.

How should I look for the funeral?  I need to shave; should do that the day of.  But I have to get a haircut too, shouldn't I?  I would have the money for that, except that I dropped by my uncle's, who said I have to give my aunt a gift to help her defray the costs of the funeral.  And when I looked into my wallet I realize I don't have enough for a greeting card, the monetary gift, and the haircut I need.  Great, I have to use my fucking credit card again.

And then I had to stop by The Store because I left the beer bottles there.  Shit, it would've been perfect if I could just leave them there, but no, I have to take them out because My Fucking Father would start asking his goddamn questions of, "Why are you using my water to wash out the bottles?!"  And then I remembered that the toilet brush is in there.  Fuck -- I have to buy a greeting card and go back to The Store to retrieve the toilet brush (broken, I might add), and I'll have to waste gas to do all of that.  And, oh yeah, I need to fill up my tank before I get My Fucking Father.  Goddamn, all this shit I need to do.

And then I remember that my uncle died.  And then I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by such trivial things as money, time and chores.