Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Lynx (Last Week: -1).  All four teams in this week's survey are trending downward this week.  In a war of attrition, the local WNBA team treads water the best, mostly due to a 91-59 shit-kicking of Phoenix Sunday in a battle over who would take first place in the Western Conference.  That this team can still kick it into overdrive and run roughshod over a really good Lifelock club is good.  Seeing Maya Moore shake off her scoring funk and be virtually unstoppable for most of the rest of that game is also heartening.

Now for the bad news.  Moore had to step up because Seimone Augustus had to leave that game against the Mercury after she rolled her ankle.  An MRI reveals a sprained ankle -- not the worst thing in the world because it's one of those day-to-day injuries, but with Augustus's injury history, this could be one of those nagging pains that she might never shake the rest of the season, and this squad can ill afford her less than 100% percent.  Also, don't forget that last Tuesday the Jynx summarily got the shit kicked out of them by the Los Angeles Farmers at Staples, 96-66.  But hey, at least they're in first for now.  And also hey, Sixth Man Monica Wright got engaged to Kevin Durant, the second-best player in the NBA.  Congratulations to her!

This week is gut-check time: Three games, all of them quality opponents being staged in less-than-advantageous situations.  Sunday was the Lynx's 14th straight win at home, a franchise record, but that will face a stern test when the Atlanta Dream, the team with the best record in the league and have suffered only one loss all year, come to town tonight.  They then hit the road to face defending champion Indiana Thursday in the Fever's annual weekday matinee camp game.  Finally, the team goes to Tulsa Saturday.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  Compared to what I consider a disastrous week the week prior, the transactions the Woofie Dogs made this past screening week was akin to the Houston Rockets getting Dwight Howard.

What President Of Basketball Operations Flip Saunders did not get, the one big weakness on the Woofs, was wing scoring.  Well, this screening week he was able to sign and re-sign two people who should help that tremendously.  The name fans are familiar with is Chase Bundinger, a guy who was only rumored to be on this team because he, like Kevin Love, was injured for most of the year.  The new player is Kevin Martin, acquired by The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics when they had to part ways with James Harden whom they hoped would be a poor man's Harden, just much cheaper.  He was good off the bench, which means he will in all likelihood be the starting Shooting Guard for the Timberwolves next season.  While both Martin and Budinger can both stroke the rock, neither can play the defense.  Neither can the rest of the team, so, as one columnist said after the signings, expect a lot of high-scoring losses.

Now the focus is on re-signing Center Nikola Pekovic, who is a restricted free agent and may be the best on the market now that Howard has finally settled on Houston.  Pek would be the only starter (well, maybe besides Ricky Rubio) who will play defense, so it's imperative that he stays.  Then again, that may be why Flip drafted Gorgui Dieng.  At any rate, I take back my verdict in last week's WMNSS that the Wolves have less of a chance of reaching the playoffs after the NBA Draft; I feel a little better about the team's chances now, although that has a lot to do with Howard leaving the Lakers a shell of its former Showtime self and trying to mesh with a Rockets club that barely made it into the playoffs last year.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  I feel as better about the Timberwolves' off-season as I now feel bad, even disgusted, by the Mild's off-season this week.  I understand that the team has to shave six million off its cap for next season.  But most of the moves General Manager Chuck Fletcher is making puzzle me, and one, honestly, outright pisses me off.

In the past week (or so), the team has done the following:

  • Said goodbye to oft-injured stalwart Pierre-Marc Bouchard, who is now with the Islanders after being with the team for eleven years;
  • Placed little-used (and native Minnesotan) Defenseman Tom Gilbert on waivers;
  • Officially said goodbye to retaining the services of Matt Cullen, who had a bounceback year this year;
  • Re-signed D-Man Jared Spurgeon to a three-year deal, even though he is with several other young defensemen on the other side of a wide chasm of talent from Ryan Suter and Jonas Brodin;
  • Signed Defenseman (and Minnesota Golden Gopher and native Minnesotan as well, I think) Keith Ballard away from Vancouver, even though he's been injured a lot lately;
  • Traded away Forward Devin Setoguchi, a guy they acquired at the NHL Draft just two years ago, to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers in exchange for only a second-round draft pick;
  • And, worst of all, signed Forward Matt Cooke.
Yes, that Matt Cooke, without a doubt The Dirtiest Player In The League.  And he's one of ours now!  Just take a look at his rap sheet.  To be fair, he has not been suspended since 2011.  But I don't think he deserves any benefit of the doubt, not after his history of cheap shots and shady play.  Moreover, I don't think he's a good skater or even a decent scorer.

Mild fans have seen this story play out before.  Fletch's predecessor, Doug Risebrough, out of nowhere also brought in a thug/enforcer because he thought the team needed some muscle.  So Risebrough brought in Chris Simon, who was Matt Cooke before Matt Cooke was Matt Cooke.  And all he did (whenever he managed to get on the ice, he was so damn unproductive) was stink up the joint, get into fights, lose those fights, and gum up the gameplan for his teammates.

The Star Tribune's Jim Souhan agrees with me: This is Fletcher's astonishing Chris Simon move.  To trowel the depths of the league in order to find a goon to fill out your roster will destroy any future planning this franchise has to win the Stanley Cup.  I have no idea how this asshole Cooke is going to help the Mild.  This is dumbfounding.  And for a fanbase (well, any fanbase) to turn on a team because they hate a player on their favorite team is some feat.  Souhan touched on it; it doesn't matter if Cooke is on "our" side now, many fans are downright embarrassed by this move.

The young guys on this club (Brodin, Charlie Coyle, Jason Zucker and especially Mikael Granlund) had better step up.  Otherwise, Cooke and all these warm bodies Fletcher brings in will be the last moves he makes as GM.

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -3).  Oh, fucking Lord, this team blows.

A 1-6 week, and that solitary win, in Toronto on Saturday (where they managed to shut out the Blue Jays, in fact; R.A. Dickey was pitching and his knuckleballs were more like slow-pitch softball tosses) stopped a Twinks losing streak at six.  Caleb Thielbar was the last Twins pitcher untouched with a bad outing.  But while I was dealing with my phone company over blocking this crazy woman who keeps calling us (probably wants to talk to Grandmother) I was listening to the game on satellite radio.  In a one-run game Thielbar was pitching with a man on third with one (?) out.  And when the batter, Ben Zobrist, shot one deep to left (?) to make it a three-run game, I had heard enough.  Minnesota went on to lose to the Tampa Bay Rays 7-4.  At least I have Zobrist on my fantasy team.

This week was the first of two against American League East clubs, and right now the team is in the midst of its longest road trip of the season.  So far it's going horribly ... as expected.  Still, I took umbrage of the Strib's Michael Rand, who, on his Page 2 blurbs chastised us fans.  Instead of shaking our fists at the Yankees after sweeping the Twinks at home last week -- oh, did I mention that the Twins allowed the Yankees to rape them again, at home again? -- we should be thanking them because now, without a doubt, we can trade some of our best players for prospects that will lay the groundwork for the organization's rebirth down the road.  First of all, I ain't never going to thank the fucking Yankees for fuckin' anything.  And second, why the hell should we be thankful for certainty?  Yeah, maybe it would make sense to trade Justin Morneau, especially now that the team's playing as bad as any in Major League Baseball.  But a little kvetching is in order -- for seeing yet another season burn to ash, for not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel once again, for letting go a former American League Most Valuable Player who was once seen as a cornerstone of the franchise.  Mr. Rand, I know of one type of people who react to its own impending destruction with equanimity: People who commit suicide.  I ain't one of those goddamn people.  I may want to commit suicide after hearing the Twinks lose yet another game, but I'm not sending out thank you e-mails for making the option of self-immolation the clear one.  A third consecutive season of failure should invite the same feelings I had about the first two: Anger at the club and demands to know what the fuck they're going to do to stop embarrassing themselves and this state.

Showing good face may be a long time coming, however.  They have three more at the Bay Rays, then finish the road trip, and the first half of the regular season, with three in the Bronx against those fucking Yanks.

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