Tonight after So You Think You Can Dance I took my computer outside. My laptop has been acting up again, not connecting to our wi-fi, so I went downstairs to try and get it to work, and just because I was up I would leave my bedroom and try banging out the rest of my week-overdue column.
So after the laptop connected and I started making headway writing, I see the stair chandelier light up. Great, I won't be alone. As usual, My Father is coming upstairs for his late-night snack. But then he asks me something, to which I usually cringe, but it's not a request that I can't fulfill, but a strange one: "Make sure I turn off all the lights and stuff," he said before he tore into an orange. And that instantly reminded me of all the times My Father yelled at Grandmother when she forgot to turn off all the lights late at night. He threw her out for doing the same thing he just asked me to take care of for him?! What a goddamn hypocrite.
I told him in a way that probably flew over his head. Evoking the incident that precipitated Grandmother's move out of the house, I shot back to him, "Just make sure you turn off all the water, OK?" To which he looked around then replied, "Water? Water? All the water is already turned off. You mean the sprinklers outside?" He did turn on the sprinkler in the front lawn, one he told me after dinner to turn off, so not to prolong the prank any further, I just said, "Yeah."
Swear to God we're gonna have to put him in a home too.
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