I'm gonna fuckin' fail this test. I know it. It's impossible to score correctly or consistently. Everybody's complaining about it, and they're doing better than I am.
Again, I understand that testing can no longer be a matter of counting how many things a kid writes down. I even believe that you can wrestle subjectivity to a set of standards that everyone (or at least everyone smart enough) can all agree on this being a great paper and this being a bad one. But there is nothing like that here. I think I'm a pretty smart guy, and I'm surrounded by smart people, and I think at least half of us (if not more) feel absolutely lost, if not alienated, by the results of our tests.
I've thought for the past few years of a particularly damned type of existence: One where you hate a job you're good at, and you're bad at a job you love. I didn't mind test scoring -- it's very monotonous and you can't listen to music, but I was good at it, and therefore I loved it enough where I pined for any possibility that I could do this full-time, or at least walk the world and score tests from country to country for the rest of my life.
But now? With this shit? After I fucking failed the first test in my test scoring career? This portends badly. Assuming that I don't get some major fucking help from a deity above, I will lose my job ... at least until Tuesday, where I have to try and latch onto the other question this project scores. And if I fail this will be really ironic: This job will go from one that I like because I'm good at it to one that I hate because I'm bad at it.
I felt so shitty after leaving Friday, like I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And if I don't know, I lose my job, and I have no-fucking-where else to go for work.
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