I'm Back To Obsessing About My Weight

I'm not sure what to do now.  I've been exercising the hell out of myself the past week or so, I've been walking a lot more, and it's hot out.  But it feels as though I am still gaining weight, no matter what I do.

That, it has to be said, may be all in my head, because it all started with looking at my weight at my physical last Monday.  I had been at 161 at one point and 167 at another, but I had been feeling very fat going into last week, and the results bore that out: I was at 177.  177?!  I thought that all the shit in my shorts could have added, like, another ten pounds, but I knew that I was gaining weight.

I have not stepped on a scale voluntarily in years.  When I was young I was obsessed over how much I weighed -- like I was an anorexic.  So I listened to those who said never to do that, because it'll take over and ruin your life.  Nevertheless I have gained weight, and I don't know if ignoring what a scale would say has made me any healthier or less obsessed.

However, while I don't seek out scales, I have sort of changed my tune when it comes to seeing scales come to me.  (I was trying to turn a slick turn of phrase there, and I don't know if I did it.)  I've been working as a test subject at the MRI place a couple times the past week, and in the changing room (I have to change into scrubs to make absolutely sure there's no metal on me) there is a scale.  I had to weigh myself, and I am scant lighter than I was at my check-up -- 174, 175.

My God, I am getting fucking fat.  I want to blame Mother for brownbagging me lunch when I was going to go out to eat anyway.  I could blame both of my parents too, for making such big dinners and for telling me to eat something late at night.  But shit, all I could tell them is, "I don't want you making lunch for me anymore," and that would solve that half of the equation.  Maybe.

I get a break from that, for now.  Told my folks the truth about going to the dentist's tomorrow, so Mother won't have to pack me lunch.  On Wednesday I leave; I do have a dermatologist appointment that morning, but I'll be back my noon, so even though they'll probably have lunch for me to eat, there's nothing they'll send me away with for the morning.  Then I'm off to Atlanta till Sunday.  Hopefully by then I will have shed a few pounds.