Read on facebook that a friend of mine from college lost his father yesterday.

Then, walking home, I saw that a pizza restaurant, a small mom-and-pop, that's been there for years (even though I never ate there even once) was for sale. They had changed their name once or twice in the past half-decade, indicating to me that original ownership must have given it up. At any rate, seeing that fixture from my childhood is. ...

One is vastly more important than the other, no doubt. But both represent change and loss. Once again, I am confronted with the hard fact that nothing is forever. And once again, I am deeply hurt.

Fell Asleep On The Road Today

My abrupt change in schedule to work two jobs and a huge event this week finally caught up to me. I thought finally being released from work would give me a new burst of energy that had been flagging the second half of the workweek, so I thought I could just go after I let the car warm up.

I was fine till I got close to home. There I felt my eyes sagging and my consciousness fading. Then, while I was about a mile from home ... I saw nothing. And then, possibly, because I don't know for sure, I opened my eyes wide open. I was driving 45 miles an hour on a stretch of road I normally drive at least ten miles faster on. I was driving straight, but the traffic that was dozens of yards behind me was catching up. Worst of all, I knew I had dozed off -- only for a second, but I dozed off.

It's the first time that has really happened to me, completely falling asleep. And I am deeply, deeply ashamed about that. I was so lucky I was only approaching a stoplight instead of at it, that I didn't swerve into a ditch, or that I was not caught up in traffic where I had to stop. Things could have gone so differently for me. I might not have been able to write this now. I could be somewhere else, somewhere more permanent.

I need the money, but certainly not in the face of this. With the possible exception of one day, maybe I should rest. Working like a mad hatter isn't worth this.

Things About This Job

• I still can't stand my supervisors. Self-absorbed, petty nightcrawlers, the both of them. And my supervisor supervisor had better get off her goddamn phone.
• I don't know how successful I am. I keep running around the store, finding things I need to do, yet at the end of my shift I have no idea if I did anything new, let alone right. They look exactly the same as it did at the beginning of the night.
• I'm on my own most of the time -- well, besides the times I'm not nagged to do something else, which I hate -- which is good and bad. Bad because I always feel like I'm not doing the right thing. Many times I'm not doing it right, and I know it. And since there are cameras everywhere I can't get away with it, even though I probably can't help it. However, if I am not getting nagged and my supervisors don't catch me doing something wrong, I can get away with things so long as I act busy. Although I may not be successful, if I'm left to my own devices, there are days that, given the right frame of mind, I'm OK with doing my best, even if it's clearly not what they're looking for. Whenever I'm running around looking for something and failing, all I can think of is, Well, I'm still getting paid, so whatever.
• I thought I'd be able to work late at night like I did eight years ago. But it's hard to stay up, especially when I hit the wall around 4 o'clock. By the time we leave I'm just trying to stay on my feet. That's when I try to challenge myself to find things. Using my mind keeps me alert.
• As much as I don't respect my supervisors, I have a lot of respect for my fellow employees. Good guys, almost to a man.
• I want to take breaks when I want to.
• I picked this store because it's out of the way. I do not want anybody I know knowing that I work here. But now that I see that it's "x" amount of miles to and back, I stopped caring about that. I regret choosing this store instead of one closer to home. Now I have two reasons to regret taking this job.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: 0). Crushed North Dakota St. at home 29-9, then destroyed Central Michigan in central Michigan 24-9. I like that a lot, but I think J Robinson and his grapplers are looking forward to a real test tomorrow afternoon: They visit the #1 ranked team in the country, Oklahoma St. They then host Iowa St. Friday night before taking a three-week-long sabbatical.

#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1). In a bit of a surprise, the Gophers, who finished the regular season 18-11 overall and 11-9 in the Big Ten, were given the 13th seed in the NCAA Tournament, which meant there was no real danger this team wasn't going to make the playoffs. I thought the NCAA would artificially seed the regional hosts (the U., Florida, Kentucky and Hawai'i), but neither the Gators nor the Wildcats were, even though they were around the top 16 teams in the weekly polls. (And it didn't hurt Kentucky, which swept 16th-seeded Texas A&M today. They get to play in front of their home court.

Anyway, they avoided a big embarrassment when they beat North Dakota St. in three sets last night. But right now they have a taller task: Washington, who is unseeded even though they are higher in the AVCA poll than the Gophs. This very well could be the end. I am furiously trying to finish this right now before the fifth and final set ends. I'd rather not drastically change the ranking of the WMNSS.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -3). It's early, but I am liking how this team is responding to bad losses. They began the screening week getting shamed at home by Calgary 5-2. They have since ripped off three wins in a row: a victory over a very good Tampa Bay team, a shootout win at Edmonton, then a 4-2 victory over New Jersey back at the X. As this survey goes to press, the Minnesota Wild are the best team in the National Hockey League. However, they embark on a five-game road trip, the first three of which come every other day against Anaheim (which fired their coach and replaced him with Bruce Bodreau, who himself was fired just days before from Washington. Can you really just jump from coaching one team to coaching another? Weird), San Jose and Los Angeles.

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). Things were going so well. They swept at Harvard last weekend, then beat North Dakota last night. Outscoring their opponents in their 3-0 week 16-6, and on the road, is impressive. But, as I always insist, let me see them dominate in the NCAA Tournament. That's because, even though the used-to-be Fighting Sioux are the fifth-ranked team in the nation (the U. is second), they are too young a program to give the Goofs problems. And yet tonight they beat the hell out of them 3-0. That breaks a seven-game winning streak.

They are off this screening week. They need it after that woeful performance.

#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5). They left their two-game set at Michigan St. without a win; they managed to tie the Spartans 4-4 Saturday. But in the comfier climes of Mariucci Arena and facing a poorer program in MSU-Mankato, they resumed their winning ways, 4-2 last night. They are playing the Mavericks right now, then will start a two-fer at home against Michigan Tech.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: Positive Numbers). The future is fraught with peril. The week began with a 1-2 punch as devastating as anything delivered by prime Mike Tyson: Their first loss of the season, an 86-70 dicksmack by Dayton, which included the season-ending ACL injury to Trevor Mbakwe, the best player on the team. Without his muscle and athleticism, Tubby Smith faces yet another year without a postseason appearance.

(Aside: A few years ago it looked like this club was going to be known for their frontcourt prowess, with Mbakwe, Rodney Williams, Ralph Sampson III and Colton Iverson manning the post and wings. Well, it looks like it's Williams's team right now, because Mbakwe's done for his whole U. career and Sampson isn't developing to be one one-hundredth the college legend his old man is. Meanwhile, Iverson transferred to Colorado St. in April. The irony is is that he left over playing time. With Mbakwe done, he would have his playing time.)

It is under that dark context that this team has managed to rip off two wins, a tight three-point victory over Virginia Tech in the annual B1G/ACC Challenge Wednesday, then a 15-point ass-kicking this afternoon of my alma mater. (Aside: Man, that was painful to watch, my team. Couldn't shoot, couldn't control the ball, and their free throw-shooting was bad. Plus, from my vantage point, they looked to a man undersized. As Minnesota was expanding their lead, it looked like men playing against boys. And the biggest of those men was Williams:)

Something to look at post-Mbakwe: The scores since his injury look very differently than the ones with him. Is it a fluke, or has Tubby let his players know that they have to buckle down on defense because their main engine has been decommissioned?

They have one game this week: They host Appalachian St. Tuesday.

#-7: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4). They needed a buzzer-beater by Rachel Banham to, like the men's basketball team, eke out a 65-64 win over Virginia Tech in their other game of the St. Mary's Hilton Tournament Saturday. Then on Thursday, in the women's B1G/ACC Challenge, they got their doors blown off at Wake Forest, 82-65.

And then it's going to get even worse: Like the U. wrestling team, they will play the top team in the country tomorrow afternoon. Brittany Greiner and Baylor is the opponent, the game a part of the B1G/Big Ten Challenge. (Can a conference have challenges against more than one conference? I thought that was illegal.) The Bears beat the shit out of the Goofs last year 103-56, and Minnesota has never beaten them (0-3). It'll be the first time the program faces the queens of women's basketball since LSU 12/24/04. After the Bayou Bengals, they host the Air Force Wednesday.

#-8: Vikings (Last Week: -6). I had nothing to do last Sunday, and my body needed rest, so I woke up around noon, just as the ViQueens' game against Atlanta was starting. This week there was a game on at the same time, Buffalo against the Jets. When I wasn't passing out, I was watching that game more. It turned out to be the much better game, but I intended to watch the other game more because I knew that a) the Vikes were going to lose and b) they were going to lose boringly.

And they did, 24-14, in a game they were in only nominally. I've punted on this year and don't think it's the worst thing in the world to finish 2-14. But I really am starting to question the ability of Leslie Frazier to lead this team. A lot of people are already demanding his head; my reservation in this game was the third down play late in the game, the one where Percy Harvin was handed the ball and looked like he broke the plane of the end zone. He was called short, however, and for some reason Frazier did not throw the red flag calling for an official review. And then they were denied on fourth down. That was the game, even though I have a feeling that they were going to lose the game even if the call was reversed.

On Thursday, the team finally did the logical thing and put Donovan McNabb on waivers. The man who said he wouldn't mind being a mentor to Christian Ponder and Joe Webb demanded to be let go. Good luck mentoring a street agent while "not retiring," Mr. McNabb. In exchange, yesterday the Vikes picked up one of their former own, Sage Rosenfels, off waivers. That'll turn things around.

They will get to be the latest victims of Tebowing as Denver comes to the Dome tomorrow.

#-Infinity: Gopher football (Last Week: -7). I always put a team that finishes its season short of a championship here in -Infinity. But I have to note that they ended their season on a good one, a dominating(?!) 27-7 win over Illinois at TCF Bank Stadium that resulted in Illini Head Coach Ron Zook losing his job.

That means the U. finishes 3-9 overall and 2-6 in the conference. They were dreadful early in the season, getting blown out by Michigan and Purdue and upset by lower-division North Dakota St. But the second half of the Nebraska game, the one where they wound up losing 41-14, became a turning point for this team. They played markedly better on both sides of the ball after that, most notably Quarterback MarQueis Gray. And that's how they managed to beat Iowa and Illinois. So for that, I have to give Head Coach Jerry Kill, a man best known in the fall for suffering a scary-looking seizure on the sideline during a game, for getting through to his kids, simplifying the playbook, and turning them into better players.

To add insult to injury, there is now a chip in my windshield. It happened last night while I was driving to my shitty night job. There was a van or a truck in front of me. All of sudden I hear this sharp "crack!" in front of me. And then I see this circular dark area centered around the base of the windshield. Goddamn, I wanted to give that asshole in that van or truck a piece of my mind ... or his.

I have several functions tonight, I work overnight tonight, then I have a game tomorrow afternoon, then I work Sunday. I want this crack or the entire fucking windshield replaced, but I won't have any time to do it.

Even though my parents are paying for car insurance now, I dread seeing the bill. There's a possibility that my paycheck through this store will go into covering the cost of repairing that chip. And if it's expensive enough, all the money I make from this seasonal job will now have to go to replacing the fucking windshield. All because I decided to get an after-dinner snack and thought nothing could happen if I drive from place to place before reporting to work. I may just have to suck it up.

Checklist Of Things To Tell Grandmother's Doctor At Her Appointment Tomorrow

• The big thing was Nov. 20, when she accused me of taking her checkbook, prompting Father to yell at her, go into her bedroom (which he never does) and find it for her.
• She is at her worst -- forgetting, acting very slowly and, frankly, pathetically -- when she's trying to find things. It's usually her checkbook, but tonight she just asked me where her identification was.
• These episodes of desperation occur at night. They also usually occur when my parents come home. Father has been nothing but an asshole to her for at least the past decade now, and it's come to the point where she acts different around him. Usually she's quiet but alert and aware; with him at home she is introverted, confused and clingy.
• She is less confused than the last time we saw the doctor, however. Nonetheless, the tradeoff of less frequency of anxiety/forgetfulness attacks is, I think, a lack of sleep.
• Nowadays she no longer accuses me of taking her things. She now thinks that My Father is the one taking her things.
• No angry outbursts since our last visit and the hyperactivity has settled down significantly.
• Since August or so she has displayed a troubling string of outsized facial expressions when reacting to news that is either very strange to her or is obvious. For example, when I told Grandmother I would be going out late at night and coming back in the morning, she squishes her face and sticks her tongue out. I've never seen her do that before until late this summer. Weird.
• She complains off and on about pain. One morning she said she was in so much pain that she felt like dying.
• Grandmother doesn't watch DVD's anymore. She used to be an avid watcher, and it helped in that it stopped her from fidgeting around the kitchen or making food none of the family will eat. But one day, she just stopped. My sister-in-law dropped by the other night to give her burned copies of Chinese miniseries. But she says she won't watch because -- and I might have the wrong word because of my bad Chinese -- watching now makes her confused.
• Father has made her life miserable. Because he insists that she just forgets to turn off the stove and sink and that all she does is run up the gas and electric bills, he has taken away the rice pot in the rice cooker and the wire for the toaster oven. This morning, he somehow was able to unplug the stove, too. It might be a way for him to make her leave ... but this now feels like he's trying to kill her.
• Maybe I'm trying to put too much of a positive spin on things, but maybe her problem is that she has nothing to do. Her best friend is now in assisted living. Most of the others don't come around anymore. And she doesn't go to the casino anymore. Maybe what she needs is an activity, especially something around sunset to help with her sundowning. The cooking going to waste here at home might be put to better use at a nursing home or a bread line or something.

Another Cloudy Day 11/30

One positive thing about my seasonal job: It has ordered the rest of my day so that I know that anything I want to do I need to squeeze into a finite set of hours, particularly in the morning.

Since this is the last day of November, the local county compost dump is closing after today, which meant that I had to finish raking the leaves today. Also, I needed to purchase a new set of tires today to take advantage of an American Express rebate. Finally, I hear there's snow coming Saturday, and I looked at my really dirty car and figured I should get it washed.

So as I was spending four hours this morning dumping bags of leaves, buying tires and then dropping off the rebate in the mail, going to Target to pick up Grandmother's medications and trying out Burger King's Chef's Burger (pretty good, but the best part is the apple-smoked bacon), I kept looking up at the sky. The sun was out this morning as I was gathering the leaves, but ever since I got in my car it was overcast -- perfectly overcast.

I love cloudy autumn days like this -- or at least used to. I don't know when I decided I liked it, or when I realized it, but to me, a cloudy day is perfect for fall. Cool temperatures but not too cold, no allergies I have to suffer from, and all the beautiful leaves blazing in hot colors as they lie on the ground. The lack of sun tempers my anxiety. Things just feel ... stable in this tableau. Maybe that's why I like it so much: It means that things are alright.

But things are not alright. The Store is closing. Grandmother is ailing. She and my parents are fighting, and the house has been an empty, lonely, unloving home for a long, long time. So now, when I look up and see what had always been the perfect setting, I am sad for the changes going on in my life, the things out of my control that will give me pain and suffering. And that's why it hurts so much more: What used to be a scene of comfort is now a trigger for depression.

One downside to this new job: All the physical labor. I am at home with a barky back and heels that are on fire. Yet another reason to look for another job.

The goddamn modem My Fucking Father bought because he chose to believe my old one was to blame for our Internet connection problems has been fucking cutting out ever since he made me set it up. And an hour ago I tried to clean out the line by going into Mother's office and plugging in the modem there. And disconnecting and connecting the lines took so fucking long that I missed the beginning of the national nightly news, even though I stayed home the entire afternoon. Fuck.

Maybe the problem is Mother plugging her office phone directly into the wall jack without using a filter. For some fucking reason -- probably because the wires in the house are so goddamn old -- she doesn't get dial tone through the filter but can directly, which may be the cause of our Internet problems. But I'm too fucking tired to confront her about it.

You Know, Maybe I Should Look For Another Job

It all started last week, when I begged off of this Friday and Saturday, even though I was scheduled.

I have a supervisor and a supervisor supervisor. They both work the floor with me and the others. One of my co-workers say they're great people to work for. I wanted to believe that, but deep down, I'm thinking, Man, I know I'll be putting that to the test.

And I did when I thought I could get out of working the weekend. I get a call from my supervisor, who said, "The schedule is the schedule." And then she gave me an ultimatum: "You give it some thought, then you come back to me." Right then and there I thought I should just quit. I mean, I have some fun things I planned on doing, plus I have some work coming in with the Vikings, and I can even do some research stuff. I don't need this shit.

But then I gave it some thought. Whenever I feel angry and pushed around, I know that it will pass, and sometimes, if you give it some time, things will clear up for you. It did in a roundabout way: When I called a different store and asked that store's Human Resources Department if I could work for them instead (I thought that I could start with a clean slate and get the days I wanted off off). That was Sunday afternoon. I didn't think I was going to get anyone because I didn't think an HR department would be open over the weekend, let alone Thanksgiving weekend.

But they were, and that led me to thinking about the time I went in to fill out my application. There was a list of days and specific dates you could conflict out of. Then I realized that I think I did make myself unavailable for either Friday or Saturday, or both. Well, there's my silver lining.

So I called up the HR department at the store I'm actually working in right now. And yes, they were open. I "gently insisted" that she look at my conflict form, and after a minute, it did say that, yes, I begged off of Saturday. Work Friday but not Saturday? I need both -- still do -- but I'll take it, especially after the slap in the face Sunday night that the family is running out of money.

The HR person said she'll let my supervisor supervisor know about the conflict day she had me working on. So I thought it would be settled -- or, at least, I won't have to deal with it until I come in last night. Would they be mad? Would I get fired? In this life, I have to be prepared for anything.

I get let in. Neither supervisor acknowledges me. After I hang up my coat and get dressed, I go out to the field to start working. But my supervisor supervisor, just after she tells me which department to go to, addresses the situation. And she's OK with it, to a point. She knows she made a mistake about having me work Saturday, but she reiterated, with some passion in her voice despite diddling on her smartphone: "Whatever (supervisor's name) says, goes." She also mentioned that she put out next week's schedule Wednesday, and then I called her Friday. You know, the reason there was a two-day break was a little thing called Thanksgiving. But whatev.

I still had conflicts for next week, and before the conversation ended, I let her know about this. She said she needs to know, like, tonight, or at worst tomorrow. And she was adamant about it to the point where, it was clear, she was really angry about having my conflict brought to her attention. Either she's mad at me, and by extension herself, for overlooking that, or her boss or someone from HR chewed her out over the oversight.

OK, fine. There's some backbiting, but I can understand that. I probably would feel the same way if I was her. So I just put my head down and work. Meanwhile, I make sure I give her the dates next week that I can't work (Friday and Saturday) and make sure I get it to her before the end of the day, er, night, aka a couple hours ago.

I should have known that either I got on her shit list or she isn't as nice of a person as her employee said to me last week. When I asked her if she needed my employee ID#, she said no but didn't look at me. She didn't even miss a beat while she was snacking on something. Then, after I gave her the slip of paper detailing that I have to miss next weekend, she motioned for me to come out of the break room with her. There, she asked whether I was going to miss any more weekends. I said no, only because I need the money from this job.

"I will not give you any more weekends," she said emphatically, "I need people working Friday and Saturday." Well. Again, I could chalk it up to a prissy employee trying to get what he wants and not just working. But her passive-aggressive actions the rest of the night have made me reconsider this job.

First, after she ended this "private" talk we had, I opened the door to the break room for her, just to show her, hey, no hard feelings. She went in without thanking me. Double well. Later, as I was folding shirts, she comes over to my table and dumps several unfolded shirts on it. "These are not supposed to be on hangaaaars," she said as she left them there. Now, we put stuff that belongs on that table or shelf or rack that someone else is working on, on the assumption that it's easier for that person to take care of it. Hell, I've done it, and I've only been on the job three days. But the way she did it made it clear that she was pissed at me. You know, if you don't like it, tell me so. Then, while I look for a way out of this job, I'll at least give you some credit for honesty. Now, I won't feel too bad for making you take me out of work next weekend, then telling you I quit.

(By the way, all this time, my supervisor was OK with me. She directed me where I needed to go first thing last night, and then I launched into an apology about giving her tone [even though I didn't] and not calling back, blah-blah-blah. She was nice to me, surprisingly so. Unfortunately, I have a nagging feeling that she would be as backbiting as my supervisor supervisor if circumstances were different. What I'm saying is, I think she would be as bitchy as my supervisor supervisor if she weren't there, and she was only playing good cop because her boss was playing bad cop.)

God, I need the money. But with all the fucking tension and the feeling that I'm making undue demands from her, maybe this isn't going to work out. Maybe I should move on.

And to think a job that'll last only till the New Year would stress me out this badly.