The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: 0).  The University of Minnesota, its students and its teams are on Winter Break now.  That means Dinkytown is a relatively quiet place right now.  Means that this week's WMNSS is relatively quiet too, because three clubs are at rest till around New Year's Eve.  But that slumber does not extend to the basketball teams because hey, the NCAA needs to pump out some content around the holiday season.

No matter for the women, who continue to roll in their relatively soft schedule by crushing HBCU Coppin St. Wednesday, 84-52 in a bodybag game.  Cupcakes aside, what Lindsay Whalen is doing in her first year -- notching the longest unbeaten streak to start a season at the U. in 15 years -- is amazing.  But I'm pushing this squad (and all the teams below it) back into the negatives because, hey, a team that throttled an HBCU doesn't really deserve anything more than a -1 anyway.

These women play the final game of the non-conference portion of their schedule Saturday afternoon when they host Rhode Island.

#-2: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1).  The men's team at the U. was in a similar position: Bodybag game against a no-name opponent and winning.  But Tuesday's 80-71 win was a lot more perilous than the women's team, and that's why the men fall in line behind the women once again.  This was only a two-possession game with about four Minutes left in the game before the team pulled away ... or "pulled away."

Team hosts North Carolina A&T Friday.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -6).  Consecutive blowout victories over Montreal and Florida was followed by a 2-1 defeat to The Bastard Atlanta Flames, all of them at the X.  The big controversy settles now on the somewhat-hurt Mikko Koivu.  His "lower body injury" (ACL tear?  His dick broke just like mine?) allowed the underachieving, about-to-be-traded Charlie Coyle to be moved up to Center alongside Nino Niederreiter and Zach Parise ... and they have been dynamite.  But with Koivu back (don't know if he is now or will be soon), Koivu might be slipping back into that line alongside Neener-Neener and Zach -- but their line hasn't been that potent, so why?  Because he's Mikko Koivu, and he's The Captain, and you never disrespect The Captain by shunting him to a line he's not familiar with just because there's a hot line.

These guys are tied for ninth in the West.  (shrug)

The team finishes their homestand vs. San Jose Tuesday.  They visit Pittsburgh Thursday, but come back home to face The Team That Was Stolen From Us Saturday.  This is a second straight week where the Wild play Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

#-4: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  A split ... bridging the firing of Offensive Coordinator John DeFilippo after the loss in Seattle Monday.  I really didn't think Mike Zimmer would do such a thing; he seems like such a ... steady-as-she-goes type of guy, you know?  But he had been openly bitching to Flip about running the ball more, and after not doing that enough (at least according to Zim) against the Seahawks, again, Flip pissed Zim off, and it probably wasn't the first time.  So Zim pushed Flip out and elevated Kevin Stefanski, longtime Vikings coach who was the Quarterbacks Coach, to OC -- with precise orders to run the ball more.

That they did yesterday/Sunday.  For the first time all year, they ran the ball more than they passed it.  And 130+ yards from Dalvin Cook, Touchdowns for Cook and Latavius Murray, 101 Yards rushing (and 101 Yards passing) in the First Quarter (it's the first time this year a team has racked up 200 Yards in the First Quarter), and nine Sacks from the defense quelled a short-lived Miami Dolphins uprising in the Third Quarter were the main ingredients in a 41-17 win.

The Vikes continue to hold onto the sixth and final spot in the NFC.  But frankly, that may be because the bottom of the NFC playoff race is the thinnest and weakest I have ever seen.  Before Sunday's results, the teams behind Minnesota were losing.  Now, Washington and Philadelphia righted themselves by winning yesterday (and Carolina might also keep their playoff hopes alive with a victory over New Orleans tonight/Monday night), but they remain behind a Vikings squad that had just lost to both New England and Seattle.

And don't put Kevin Stefanski in the NFL Coordinator Hall Of fame yet.  The Offense petered out after the First Quarter.  That allowed Miami to come back from a 21-0 First Quarter to make it a 21-17 game in the Third.  That's when the D stepped up to help out the O while the O had to retool things.  That may be the type of readjusting that is necessary for great teams to continue to win in the NFL.  But let's see if this formula works next week, on the road vs. Detroit.  And then let's see if this strategy works against a good team two weeks from now, at home against a Chicago club that may or may not have incentive to try hard, admittedly.

In other words, maybe things haven't changed all that much yet.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  Well, this isn't good.  Defeats out west this screening week to Golden State, Sacramento and Phoenix put the Woofie Dogs on a current four-game losing streak.  Saturday's 107-99 defeat vs.. the Suns is the worst, in no small part due to Phoenix being the worst squad in the Western Conference by a country mile.  But the Woofie Dogs were horrible from the field, and so the Suns had enough to hold them off.  BTW, the Woofs are now ahead of only Phoenix in the Western Conference.

If Jimmy Butler were still with the team, there would be dissension all over that lockerroom.

Very busy next week.  They'll attempt to turn around their fortunes with home games against Sacramento and Detroit.  They then embark back on the road for contests in San Antonio and Oklahoma City.

#-6: United FC (Re-Entry!).  I should have put this side on the survey sooner because the news I think is important to note for the WMNSS broke three weeks ago.  That was around the time each Major League Soccer franchise had to either shit or get off the pot in regards to their players.  And sure enough, coming from a management team who turned their back on the players and stated somewhat pissily that only a handful of players deserved a job even in the league, let alone with the Loons, they cut ties with 14 players.

Jerome Thiesson is one departure that hurts.  He seemed a like an affable guy, he provided serviceable-to-very good defense in the Backline, and I'll never forget him flapping his arms like, supposedly, a loon when he scored the Goal I saw him score in-person.  But again, the front office was looking for reasons to cut people.  Plus, Thiesson's injury-riddled year is, on the whole, a good excuse to let a player go.

But I'm much more torn over the decision to cut bait on Ibson.  Normally, when a 35-year-old player is let go by a team, everyone understand that that player had to be moved aside to make way for a younger, probably cheaper, and possibly better replacement.  And God knows his decision-making needs a lot of work.  But he was a holdover from the NASL days.  Not only am I getting sentimental over those who graduated with the organization, I am cynical enough to believe that Adrian Heath and Manny Lagos never thought that Ibson was MLS material, and only kept him around because Bill McGuire wasn't going to devote more money into finding other players until Allianz Field was making money for him.  That feeds into my belief that these two will never give NASLers a fair shake of making it to The Show.  I just wish there was a better end for a man who was loyal to a club, through thick and thin.  Buddhaspeed, Ibson.

My Last Day Working For Those Guys There

Got a text from a co-worker for today's Vikings game.  He's wondering if I can pick up the bigwigs (either those in front of or calling the shots behind the camera) from their hotel to the stadium.  Seeing as it's a big pain-in-the-ass to get to the stadium from the route I was told was the only route police will allow you to take, plus this would be the first time I am a driver for anyone, plus I am picking them up from a hotel I'm not familiar with, this will turn into a total goddamn disaster.  And I will be blamed for either not knowing where to go on time or doing things so slowly they wonder how I get to the game on time.  And then I'll be fired.

Hooray!

Wish me luck.

My Dick Don't Work

Last night proves it.  Despite refraining from masturbation, getting a spur-of-the-moment handjob from a completely different stranger didn't get me hard at all.  I was as limp as I have been for several parties now, and like those parties, I've had to jerk myself off onto the girl, even though in last night's case, **a* did help me and make me feel good by tittyfucking me as I was trying to ejaculate.

And I am doubling down.  There is a party in town, and I have time between work and the NCAA volleyball championship where I'm going to drop by and take another dancer (one whom I have seen before, though not in a while) to a bed in the hopes she'll jerk me off to completion.  But she probably won't.  Because I am an old man who can't get it up anymore without doing it myself.

Wish me luck, futile as that may be.  Gotta go to work.

No One There Likes Chocolate?

Yesterday/Thursday work had another food-related shindig.  It was our Secret Santa/bring-cookies-to-work, holiday-themed day.  We exchanged gifts (I gave a candle; I got a Subway card) and brought treats for all of us to eat.

As I always have, I have used this as an excuse to buy high-end chocolates.  Can't get enough of 'em, and I thought the rest of the crew would agree.  But after opening up the box in the morning, no one, and I repeat no one, has touched my chocolates.  OK, maybe a few have.  But there are way more chocolates than I thought there would be.  There are two layers to the box, and they haven't even gotten through the first layer yet.

I don't the reason people aren't touching them.  They look great, and once they bite into one of the bonbons, they'll know they taste great, too.  Is it because of the rule where you can't eat at our desks?  Do they not like chocolate?  Or ... do they not like me?

At any rate, if this keeps up, I will have no reason to buy chocolates.  Well, I could order these bougie chocolates for myself.  Maybe that's what I'll have to do, instead of wasting chocolates on people who don't like them.

Can I Stay Upright Over Eight Hours?

We're having our Secret Santa party over lunch today at work.  In preparation for that, I wanted to go to bed earlier, because I won't have time to sleep over lunch.  But, well ... after a quick nap early yesterday evening, I stayed up, dinked around on the Internet, masturbated ... and I went to bed approximately 4 1/2 hours before waking up, which is about the amount of time I usually give myself for sleep.

I think I'm OK -- now.  But the past few days I have been fading, badly, in the late morning, and I'm scared as hell that's going to happen again today.  And today I won't have lunch to save me for the afternoon.  And beyond that, there are the NCAA volleyball tournament semifinals tonight at Target Center, of which Minnesota, the hosts, are not a part of, even though they're supposed to be, because they bleepin' choked.  I have about, oh, an hour or so to nap if I'm really tired.  But then Mother might be calling, so I might not have any time at all, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. ...

Too Much Mail

You know what?  I get too much mail.  Well, actually, my parents get too much mail, at least as far as I'm concerned, and I'm the one who has to sort through these.  I'm busy, so I'm not able to get through each day's mail.  Instead, I wait and let it pile up, and when I have an evening all to myself, that's when I go through them.

And let me tell you, it's a lot.  One day's worth of mail is usually voluminous.  A few?  Forget about it.  Right now I'm going through Monday's and Tuesday's mail.  There is some junk mail, mostly pertaining to real estate.  But my parents have so many accounts that I've been ripping open bank statements left and right.  Of course there's been a couple bills, too.  The rest I don't remember; I've thrown those into the recycling bag.  But I'm not done, not yet.

This is nearly all my parents' mail, so this is on my parents.  They have their fingers in a lot of pies, and I'm not sure if they need all of these accounts and thus correspondence.  It's just a lot of crap to me.  But still I have to plow through them ... after I schedule time to plow through them.

To Donate Perfectly Good Themalwear

It's Monday, which means it's time to exchange all my clothes for new ones.  (Yes, I change my clothes on weekly.  Wanna fight?)  And since it's winter, that includes thermal underwear, tops and bottoms.

Right now I am wearing this white Starter (remember them?) thermal shirt.  I think it was one of the last things I bought from my local K-Mart before they shut down for good.  It fits me just fine and it keeps me warm just fine.

One problem, which I noticed as soon as I put it on: It makes me itch.  Specifically, there is one spot on the inside of the shirt that makes me itch.  It's on the right shoulder, right around the clavicle, and that's because the stitching is bunched up there.  That part is making me itch, and it pisses me off.

I have another thermal shirt that is stitched up at the exact same place and makes me scratch my collarbone red because of it.  Well, maybe I had that shirt, because I may have become so frustrated with scratching myself all day that I decided to donate what was an otherwise-fine shirt to Goodwill because of that one glaring problem.  And as first-world problem-ish that is, I think I was justified with that annoying shirt (if I indeed donated it already), and if this itching keeps up, I would not hesitate doing the same with this one, too.

Add this shirt, and maybe that shirt, to a third shirt which is so short it pokes up from behind, exposing the small of my back.  That one is the warmest and heartiest thermal top I have, and yet because of that up-riding, I'm thinking of donating that, too.  Oh, and the Puma running bottoms I got at a huge discount because my sister worked there ... well, the elastic waistband is too loose, so I don't think I will wear that anymore.  That one I definitely will donate -- and three other shirts might go along with it.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2).  I do not want to say that Lindsay Whalen has rolled to a 9-0 start with smoke and mirrors.  I fear there will be a rude awakening as soon as the Golden Gophers begin B1G play.  There will be no Incarnate Words then; the U. won't be beating the shit out of anybody like the Cardinals, which they did Wednesday, 75-39.  (Incarnate Word, by the way, is a Roman Catholic university in San Antonio.)

But it's awesome to see this team rocket into, and then up, the Top 25.  Starting off unranked, they then grasped onto the poll at #25, and then has gone up to #23, #20, and for this week, #14.  They should be going higher for the poll that comes out tonight (Monday night), for they followed up their almost doubling of the Cards with their second road win of the season, 77-69 over Boston College yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.  The Eagles are no slouches; it's only their second loss of the season.  And so I am curious.  I look back to the other true road game, and win, the U. has.  Xavier currently sits at 7-1.  Yep, their only loss so far in their year was to the Gophers, and it was at their place.

Again, maybe Xavier and Boston College are nowhere close to the caliber of what this team will face.  But I do know that Minnesota entered the Fourth Quarter of their match vs. BC down by two and survived a three-minute stretch where neither team scored before Taiye Bello sank a jump shot to tie the game at 60.  That was quickly followed by a Steal by Destiny Pitts (who led all scorers with 35!!), which Jasmine Brunson converted to a bunny in the paint to take the lead, and the U. never looked back.  That shows heart -- which another women's team in Dinkytown refused to use Friday (see below).  And for all of that, the University of Minnesota women's b-ball team takes the top spot in this week's WMNSS and grabs a #0, too.

The club begins a three-game homestand Wednesday against Coppin St.  They head into an abbreviated Winter Break after that.

#-1: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  This squad's loss to Ohio St. to start Big Ten play was the wake-up call their analogues on the female side has not yet received.  It looked as though these guys would be exposed as frauds in front of the home crowd Wednesday as Nebraska led by as much as 13 in the Second Half.

However, starting halfway through the half, when the Cornhuskers led by 11, the U. outscored them the rest of the way, 29-11.  The guys finally took the lead with three Minutes left to play on a pair of Free Throws by, who else, Jordan Murphy.  Now, Nebraska has been picked as a darkhorse candidate for the league this year, but maybe Minnesota exposed them as frauds.  At the very least, the Gophers won't go winless in conference play.

With league shenanigans over, it was back to bodybag games.  There are four left, and Minnesota dispatched the first one, Arkansas St., easily Saturday afternoon, 72-56.  They next host North Florida Tuesday before taking an abbreviated Winter Break for finals.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -3).  Oh, I had mused in last week's survey about whether I should go see Robert Morris over the weekend at Ridder.  I don't think I reasoned enough; I worked all day Saturday, and Saturday's match was at 1.  I also got lucky; due to my laziness and forgetfulness, I completely forgot about the Robert Morris series.  I went to a dinner Friday night even though I could have blown that off and gone to the game instead.  But that game dropped at 7, and there would have been a pall all over Dinkytown because of The Choke Job (see below).  I dodged a bullet Friday.

Nevertheless, the U. crushed the Colonials, 6-1 Friday, 5-0 Saturday.  So the squad goes into the end of the year and its extended Winter Break with a 17-2-1 record overall, 9-2-1 in the Western Collegiate Hockey Association.  They play in the "Minnesota Cup" (whatever that is) early in 2019.

#-3: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -4).  Went to Fresno St. and crushed the Bulldogs Saturday night, 31-6.  Three notable things.  First, at 149 lbs., unranked Tommy Thorn beat #23 Khristian Olivas, 3-1.  Second, the U. got Technical Falls at 125 (Sean Russell) and 197 (Brandon Krone).  Third and finally, the Bulldogs either were short or quit, because for the last match, Heavyweight, they did not offer an opponent for Gable Stevenson (ranked second amongst all Heavyweights), and so Minnesota won by forfeit.  (A forfeit is worth six Points; I did not know that!)

Hey, at least the U. can still beat tomato cans.  And they have a sizable Winter Break before going to Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., just before the New Year to participate in the South Beach Duals.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  For the third week in a row, the T-Wolves go 2-1.  They held serve at home, roaring back from Halftime tight ones to beat Houston Monday (what happened to the Rockets?!) and Charlotte Wednesday, and they had their chances to beat the Trail Blazers in Portland, but couldn't close the deal Saturday.  Karl-Anthony Towns continues to grow into the leadership role a man with a supermax contract should want to have.  They currently sit at 13-13, and even though the conferences are a tad more balanced these days, the Wolves are tenth in the West.  But hey, the bully's gone, right?

The game versus Portland started a four-game West Coast swing which lasts through this screening week: Golden State Monday (and BTW, the Dubs aren't really clicking right now, either), Sacramento Wednesday and Phoenix Saturday.  Hey, this is also the third week in a row where they play games Monday, Wednesday and Saturday!

#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -7).  Friday's match at Michigan was the third game in a row where 1) the game went into Double Overtime 2) tied at two 3) before the opponent (which in this case is Michigan) scored to win.  But at least the Goofs came back in Saturday's tilt with two Goals in the Third Period to win, 4-3, to salvage a split.

They are now off on a sizable Winter Break before they close out their non-conference schedule with a two-game stint at Mariucci vs. Ferris St.  I have tickets to the Saturday night match, which I bought at the Minnesota State Fair.

#-6: Wild (Last Week: -9).  The freefall continues.  In their Prairie Provinces swing, they outlasted Vancouver, but got shut out against Calgary (2-0) and then got their asses kicked in Edmonton (7-2).  That defeat to the Oilers helped in vaulted them past the Mild for the final spot in the West.  Yep: Minnesota, which once had the third-best record in the National Hockey League, is now out of playoff position.  They get to turn the arc of their season away from suck with a four-game homestand -- with contests vs. Montreal, Florida and the aforementioned Bastard Atlanta Flames this screening week -- but the Mild are where we thought they would be, and that's not good for Bruce Boudreau.

#-Infinity: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1).  No.  Just no.  Un-fucking-acceptable.

I was bitching in last week's survey about not being able to watch the Sweet Sixteen matches at Maturi Friday because of work.  Now?  Now, I'm glad I wasn't able to.  Otherwise I would be fucking scarred for life.

I don't know the details, obviously.  I don't really care to know.  But I saw the box score, and I caught on Twitter the now-fateful Second Set, where Oregon took them the distance and, despite, staving off nine Set Points, lost 41-39.  I am familiar enough with the sport where, if a team pours all of its effort into a Set that they eventually lose, their heart basically goes out.

And that's what happened in the ensuing Set, where they got blasted by the Ducks by a score of I Don't Give A Fuck.  But then they realized they were the goddamn 2-seed in the NCAA Tournament -- a tournament whose Final Four will be played in their fucking hometown -- and regrouped ... but against a poised school from an above-average volleyball conference, they went down in the Fourth, and for good, 26-24.

Here might be a good time to point out that of the four clubs that will be at Target Center Thursday and possibly Saturday, three of them, by seed, are supposed to be there: Top seed Stanford, 3-seed Illinois, and 4-seed BYU.  I will also add that of the eight squads to reach the Elite Eight, seven of them were, by seed, supposed to be there: The aforementioned plus 5-seed Texas, 6-seed Wisconsin, 7-seed Nebraska (which beat Oregon Saturday to get to the Final Four) and 8-seed Penn St.  The one team that got upset, the one team that did not hold up its end of the bargain, was the 2-seed.  The hosts of the final weekend of this year's tournament.  Minnesota.

Us.

I understand that the team and the staff probably are still in mourning.  I don't give a rat's ass how they feel.  Because I am beyond angry.  Title contenders -- champions -- do not do what they did in the Third Set -- expose themselves as spent and weak.  What happened during that game showed a frightening lack of resilience.  I don't know if these players ever had to rally like this during the regular season, but I know the stakes had not been higher until Friday.  Looking at it like that, these Goofers wilted at the first sign of significant adversity.  And that will forever be on those players -- and, frankly, on Hugh McCutcheon and the rest of the coaching staff.

This program, which has fielded team after team that rolled through the regular season, only for those editions to excuse themselves quietly without even sniffing the championship game, was gifted a once-in-a-generation chance to play for its first NCAA championship in their hometown.  These players responded, at least, with a conference championship ... and then not only failed to reach their sport's showcase weekend, they didn't even fucking get close.  Let's be brutally honest about this: They pissed down their legs.  They choked.  This program will never get a chance like this ever again.  And therefore these players, and these coaches, will not, and should not, ever live down the shame of what they allowed to happen in front of their home crowd.

This is not just an embarrassing upset.  This isn't just an utter humiliation.  It's not even an epic failure.  This upset loss, when that team ostensibly demonstrated they were one of the best in the country, with a chance to get home-court advantage for the two most important matches of the season in order to play for the school's first volleyball title, is an absolute disgrace.  And because of that, I cannot support this program anymore.  I can't.  I'm done.  This is too much.  You fuckers win a title and I'll jump back on the bandwagon.  But I'm not going to be suckered by you underachieving chumps ever again.  Fuck all of this and fuck all y'all.

(My God, I bought tickets to the Final Four for this weekend and I really, really don't want to go.  But maybe, just maybe I'll look back on this and, if I decide not to go, I'll truly regret it.  GODDAMMIT, MINNESOTA, WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T YOU WIN TWO MORE FUCKING GAMES?!?!?!)

This Is Bliss ... But

Went to bed around 2.  Woke up a bit past 10 -- a full eight-hour sleep.  Worked on my computer, then got up around 11 to make myself an egg-and-turkey sandwich while watching NFL pregame shows.

You want to know what I'm doing now?  I'm doing this, obviously -- while at my dining room table, the dining room TV showing Falcons-Packers and the living room TV, two rooms away, showing Ravens-Chiefs.  I took a dump in the bathroom (I think the egg was bad) for most of the Second Quarter.  I might go work out after this, but I expect not to spend any money today.

This is bliss.  Right now, as I type this, alone at home, warm and safe, this is bliss.

But then I check my fantasy football teams.  Tyreek Hill has a bad ankle and Drew Brees is playing poorly.  My fantasy football teams are done.

This is not bliss.

I Really Didn't Want To Know

I was able to walk into last (Saturday) night's regional final at Maturi without knowing the result of the Gophers match with Oregon.  I know about the marathon second Set they had, and once I saw that the Ducks blew the doors off the U., I turned away from any news source online that I could come across as they were scrolling the score.  Somehow, I remained blissfully unaware of what happened.

That was the plan.  I had a grave feeling they lost.  But if I had learned in the wrong moment concretely they had lost, I would have lost my shit.  So I didn't want to be in a foul mood going into work, let's just say.  No, I would delay knowledge of the result as much as possible -- all the way to going to the game after work.  At that point there would be nothing that would stop me from at least speculating on what happened.  I mean, if there was no traffic around the U., I figured they lost because no Gopher fans would show up to see Oregon play Nebraska.

And you know what?  Even though I parked my car and started walking just before the scheduled 5 p.m. start time, there was no traffic.  They lost, I thought to myself.  And that assumption was affirmed once I got my ticket scanned at Maturi.  I looked up to see that I had missed the first point of the match -- between Nebraska ... and Oregon.

And I muttered to myself, un-fucking-believable.

I'll have more on the U. of M. flailing volleyball squad, but let's just say that since they got upset, I am now very upset.  (Then again, I said the same thing on my last blog post.)