Case Of The Shits (I Wish I Had A Less Crass Title, But I Have To Be Transparent)

I am blog posting this just because I want to post twice today.

I had not felt an attack of the shits until tonight.  Coming back from the United match, whereby I stopped by a craft brewery called Blackstack (their Local 770,000 is really good), and thankfully, that pang in my bowels of, "Oh, literal shit's literally about to blow," as I was driving on my street.  Two minutes later I was sitting on the toilet, my underwear (relatively) clean.

I ate a lot, a lot of junky.  I went to the soccer game early enough to take advantage of the "Happy Hour" pricing at some of the concession stands; I bought a hot dog and a slice of pizza, as well as got an MGD Light.  I also woke up early enough today for breakfast at The Bachelor Farmer, where I got a coffee, cinnamon bun and yogurt.  But the latter wasn't it because I had a healthy movement when I got home.  And I'm not sure it's the former, either, because I think the main culprit was the frozen custard I had at Culver's between the game and Blackstack.  Haven't eaten dairy or any frozen ice cream in a while, but it appears as though my Chinese lactose intolerance kicked in.  Either that or the custard was so damn frozen that my body couldn't digest it and just pushed it out.  Or maybe they're both one and the same.

Anyway, I had three more attacks after that one, and I didn't know if it was smart of me to go to Caffetto (where I'm typing this now) and risk getting another attack.  I would probably scuttle downstairs with my laptop to make sure it doesn't get stolen, but it wouldn't look good.  However, so far, so good, and maybe this hot mocha will get rid of the vestiges of the frozen custard out of my colon ... gently.

Went To Sleep With El Paso, Woke Up To Dayton

I had been to Cielo Vista shopping mall in El Paso during my internship down there in 2001.  There were times, especially on the weekends, where I didn't have to go into work (because the stadium was closed) and I had nothing to do except show up to the station on time, and since games and the show were during the evening, I had the afternoon all to myself.  There are two malls in the area, and for some reason, Cielo Vista, in the eastern side of the city, was more popular than Sunland Park in the west.

There was nothing remarkable about Cielo Vista, but that's the point.  Everybody was there, shopping but, like me, mostly people-watching, seeing family enjoying each other, just hanging out and living.  I don't know how it is now, since Amazon and online shopping have decimated shopping malls as a whole, but I hear that between 1,000 and 3,000 people were in the mall at the time of the massacre for back-to-school sales.  And that's not counting anybody in the adjacent Wal-Mart, which I believe was the start of the mass shooting.

My heart goes out to those who died, and who are injured, as well as their families and the entire city of El Paso.  But then again, my heart always goes out to the innocent of these massacres, and nothing has been done.  Politicians and others in a position of power -- people who have the power to stop these shootings through background checks and red flag laws and, fuck it, assault weapons bans -- they send their hearts out, too, but this has happened so fucking much after the, what, almost 300 massacres this calendar year alone that these notes of thoughts and prayers and now goddamn useless.

And I wake up to see there's been another shooting, this time in a bar in Dayton.  #ThisIsAmerica

Linin' Up All My Hoes!

In a move of masculine desperation -- and even though I am getting a lot of action already -- tonight I texted hi to, like five strippers.  And three of them replied ... to which I kind of implied (OK, maybe I did more than imply) that I want to have the sex with them and I have the whole house to myself.

Two of them replied.  One of them seems to be lined up, and one might be.  And now I don't know where to put them because I have house parties to go to tonight, then a visit to the strip club some time this week, then my return trip to fuck ****e next week.  And I still need to clean the house!  Ah, fuck it, I'm not cleaning the house. ...

The Post-It Notes That Might Save Me

Going off on my last blog post, there might be some help for me to deal with not being able to remember what the fuck to do at work.  When I began training in this department, I felt the need to write down instructions.  However, I did not have a note pad ... but I did have Post-It Notes, and so whenever I had something I thought I needed to remember, I would write it on a Post-It (the smallest size), peel it off, fold it in on itself, and stick it in my pocket.  And there was a lot to remember, so I wrote on many Post-Its ... and when I came home at night,  I had a pocket full of them, all with notes to remind me what to do.

I didn't organize them, of course.  I threw them onto a pile which I kept in the kitchen counter while my parents were away.  I didn't review them, either.  In fact, the last time I remember even glancing at them -- I think -- was when one of my stripper girlfriends came over to clean the house.  She had a sandwich/Glad bag in which she threw in all of the small, sundry items I had on the counter: Those Post-Its, a holder of cards, various other notes from loose paper, etc.

I'm looking for that.  And I don't know where it is.  Obviously it wouldn't be in the kitchen anymore because my parents came back.  But where did it go to?  I hope to Buddha it's not in storage; at the very least I would hope that I would know that there is information in there that I would need, and having it in-house would be the very least I could do to make sure I would retrieve it when I absolutely would need it -- like right now.

I don't know whether this would put me in a better light with my supervisors, but now, yesterday, was my breaking point.  This is now/that was when I decided I needed to do better.  Now, I need to find the notes that will help me do better.  I feel kind of stupid without them.  So where the hell are they?

My God, this was such a bad day at work for me ... asking questions, screwing up and people knowing it ... seriously, for all the mistakes I made today, I wonder how I haven't been fired yet.  I really should stop these fuck-ups, you know?

OK, I Was Drunk Yesterday

I used the words "tired" and "energy" in my previous blog post, but I really should have said "drunk" and "sobriety" instead.  And what makes me confess is that, when I went out in the evening, I couldn't find my credit card.  I had to go back to Insight late in the evening, where I was drinking after work, to retrieve my card.  Now, I'm not precisely sure that I was so drunk that I forgot it.  There is a chance (hear me out) that the bartender didn't give me my card back, because I don't remember being given it back.  But that may be because I was too drunk to either get it, or even remember.

Everything turned out fine, even though I was panicking as all get-out after eating chicken wings and not being able to find my card.  Unfortunately and fortunately (and this is #firstworldproblems) I had cash and used it, even though it was not my plan to use any cash yesterday and thus my OCD plan has been ruined.

Tip: Maybe not drink so much.

It's National IPA Day ...

... and I have already gone to one craft brewery, Insight, to have two beers (not planned; got one, then saw that they had a special keg for the occasion, so I bought another; oh, and I needed these beers after being sent to the lab the entire afternoon).  And I plan on going to another one, Surly, because they're giving away t-shirts.

I should be there by now, but I was so ... uh, tired that I took a nap.  Just woke up, realized I hadn't blogged for the day yet, so here I am.  I might be too late for the t-shirts, but still, I'm going to leave after doing this (and seeing the beginning of the NFL Hall Of Fame Game -- can you believe it's already football season?!) because I need to keep up appearances by going to one of the two places our alumni group watches football games.  Hope I have enough ... uh, energy to do it!

A Towel Adds 1.4 Pounds

Went downstairs to shower in the master bathroom.  I mowed the lawn earlier this evening.

My parents have a scale.  After I took off all my clothes, I weighed myself: 169.6 lbs.

Showered.  Put a towel around my torso so I can put my clothes on dry.  Curious, I weighed myself again to see if the scale fluctuates in measuring: 171.0 lbs.

Strange.  That much?  But then I took my towel off and I weighed myself again: 169.6 lbs., again.

So a body towel adds 1.4 pounds.  Sheesh.  I didn't think a towel would weigh that much.

So every time I go in for a doctor's visit, and I'm asked to weigh in, I am probably, what, several pounds heavier than I actually am?  I get to take my shoes off before I go on that scale, but maybe I should take off all my clothes to get an accurate reading!

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  It's sphincter-puckering time.  The American League Central lead, which was once at 11 1/2 Games on Cleveland, is now at two.  Dropping a series versus the Yankees, then failing to sweep the White Sox at Comiskey, plus The Tribe staying hot by fattening up on bad teams, is a big part of it.  Fact: Sunday, when the Twins beat Chicago and Cleveland lost to Kansas City, was the first day the Twinks gained ground on Cleveland, on a day they weren't facing each other, since June 29.  Facts like that shrink insurmountable leads.

To blunt that, the organization finally pulled the trigger on a deal, getting reliever ... Sergio Romo from Miami.  He was the Closer on those World Series-winning San Francisco Giants teams.  Romo is not the Pitcher he was, of course, but considering the beleaguered and overworked bullpen this club has now -- and considering the prospect Minnesota gave up isn't Royce Lewis or Alex Kiriloff -- I'd like to think this is a win.  Romo has to throw well, though, of course.

This is the time of the schedule where these guys face bad teams.  The Marlins, from which Romo came from, is the first foe; they start a three-Game set against them tonight (Tuesday night) in Miami.  Then they come home to start a maximum homestand versus Kansas City for three over the weekend and then another trio against Atlanta starting on Monday.

#-2: United FC (Last Week: -2).  Their all-comp non-losing streak may have reached nine Matches, but I am not happy with their scoreless tie against Vancouver Saturday night.  That is the worst team in the Western Conference and second worst in Major League Soccer, and they are playing at Allianz.  Sure, the Whitecaps parked the bus and feigned injury a lot, especially in the First Half.  But this club is (supposedly) too talented to not at least slot a Goal against these guys.

The slowdown in results (this is the squad's second tie in as many Games) coincides with the return of Romain Metanire from Madagascar duties during the African Cup of Nations.  He is a hell of a Defender; he's going to be part of the MLS All-Star in Orlando as they face Atletico Madrid Wednesday.  But the strength of the Fullback's offensive game, crosses, has tended to dominate MNUFC's gameplay ever since he emerged.  There were 37 crosses in the tilt versus the 'Caps, and they completed only three of them.  Sure, Metanire didn't cross all of them.  But that's his thing, and since he has proven he can stick in MLS, there seems to be a lot of disproportionate yielding to his style -- much to the detriment of the team, which seemed to be scoring in bunches through tiki-taka.

Oh, and the team yesterday/Monday shipped out Defensive Back (and Woodbury native) Eric Miller to NYCFC for $50,000 in GAM.  The signing of Fullback Wilfried Moimbe helped push Miller out of the rotation and onto the Bronx.  Reports said Miller was in the doghouse with Adrian Heath, though with his yeoman's game, I wonder how he got there.

The Loons, sitting in fifth in the West, play the Portland Timbers twice here over four days.  Sunday afternoon's contest is league play.

#-3: Lynx (Last Week: -3).  Uh, things are spiraling downhill for the Jynx.  They finished up the first half of the season getting beaten at Target Center by Washington Wednesday, 79-71.  That extends their losing streak to three.  And while they still hold down the final playoff spot (and are fifth in the West with a 10-10 record), they are only 1 1/2 Games ahead of New York, and these folks seem lost right now.  Hope the All-Star Break did them good (even though Sylvia Fowles and Napheesa Collier went out to Las Vegas to partake in the ASG), for they resume regular-season play Saturday at Indiana.

So I went to a stripper party today, to see **y.  We talked, then we went upstairs where she sucked my dick.  She didn't suck my dick the last time I saw her, so why now?  Maybe it doesn't matter; it was absolutely awesome.

But I realized this around the time I was leaving the party: She didn't take her clothes off.  She just saw my cock through my fly, sucked me off, stripped me, and sucked me again till I lost control.  But she kept her dress on.  She didn't take it off, but it never occurred to me to ask her to take it off.  She just ... did it.

Maybe that doesn't matter either.  But the thing is, this is a stripper party -- where, you know, strippers strip.  In fact, I didn't see one boob at the party.  Not one.  That seems ... wrong, don't you think?