... And, The Visit Went As Badly As I Feared

First of all, even though I was up after a 45-minute nap (which followed another night where I fell asleep in the evening and woke up late at night) and acted as if I was totally ready to see the assessment nurse at 7 a.m., Mother told me a bit later that she actually had to come in at 8. I had to drop off my piss at 9. Adding to that was the first significant snowfall of the winter. Sure, we only had between one and two inches, but because it fell during morning rush, this was the first snowfall we Minnesotans typically need to spin out into the ditches and remember that we really, really do need to slow down in spite of the fact that we are Minnesotans. In short, seeing my Grandmother get sent to the nursing home meant that I would be late.

Luckily, she got there at 7:50. Alright, time to stall and differ with Mother. As usual, My Fucking Father hid downstairs 'cause this "ain't his thing." (And he once yelled at me for not being more sociable. Fucking hypocrite.) And like I promised her, I went to Grandmother's bedroom to wake her up. Fortunately, she was already up; I guess she heard all the commotion outside. And in a sign that warms my heart, she asked, "Is that the nurse?" She remembered!

I help her outside so she could sit in on the assessment. But then Mother calls out from the dining room table: "She doesn't have to come out. She can go back to sleep."

Maybe Mother really was looking out for Grandmother's rest. But really, I think she didn't want her to stop her plans of asking the assessment nurse to put her away. I don't know what her presence there would stop, but at the very least she had the right to see her future closing in front of her face.

So I continue coaxing her out to the dining room. But Grandmother, in either her naivete or her infinite stupidity, wanted to follow Mother's order. "Go, I don't need to go," she said, "Mother's just talking. I'll be in my room."

It broke my heart. Does she understand that Mother's deciding her future without her, one that is going to remove her from the only home she's known for 30-plus years?

I stared at her; I didn't know what to say, mostly because I didn't know how to say, "But Mother's going to send you to a nursing home if you don't say something!!!" in Chinese. But Grandmother kept repeating herself: "Go, I don't need to go. Mother's just talking. I'll be in my room."

I felt absolutely dejected. Before taking my nap I tried mapping out all the scenarios, including the worst-case ones. But never did I think that she would just let things happen without even being there.

It broke my heart, but I guess Grandmother saw this and compromised. "I'm going to go to the bathroom, and then I'll come out," she said. Well, at least she'll be present to defend herself.

Unfortunately, from the point she did sit in with us to the time she left, she really didn't understand what was going on. Mother did her usual, "Oh, she's so crazy, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!" bullshit that so pisses me off. I mean, it helps if it gets me more hours, but now that I know her true intention is to send Grandmother away, she's no longer working in my interest. I guess that was the fine line I had to walk.

Mother's phone correspondence with the nurse meant that the nurse brought out another list of homes; that's the proactivity I was afraid of. Mother mentioned that she had already called three nursing homes and all of them were booked. The best nursing home in town apparently has a five-year waiting list. Actually, I wanted to say that it would be smart to put Grandmother on the list now, but that would mean I'm aiding and abetting Mother's cause.

I am her PCA, therefore I think I know what's best for her. The only time I tried to derail Mother's narrow-as-a-missile mission to put Grandmother away was when I raised the possibility of adult day care. It is as infantile and shameful as it sounds; Grandmother gets picked up for the day and taken to a place where she could have playdates with other old people who otherwise have nothing to do and then are picked back up at the end of the day and dropped back home. Mother shot that down instantly. Why? I think it shows that she is hellbent on getting her out of her, regardless of whether she needs to or not. And as batty as she is and as frustrating as she can be to deal with, I don't see the need.

Now, adult day care, maybe (and I feel really bad attending to my needs and not helping her, at the very least, get out and just, I don't know, do stuff), but assisted living? She'd die in there. New environment, people she doesn't know, most of them can't speak her native tongue, condescending activities like painting and drawing just because it's something to do ... she'd just shut down. But that's what Mother wants for her. And Mother knows best, right? RIGHT??

The best I could do is to tell the truth: Her short-term memory is really going, she fell once, she has wandered off a couple times, she's getting more disoriented, and she has bitched about missing her checkbook for months now. Other than that, she's fine. Grandmother's annoying, but isn't harming either herself or others or the house. Yet. Till then, why worry?

I said as much when I called her late in the workday Friday, that she has had her moments of paranoia, hyperactivity and neediness (especially with her goddamn checkbooks, which she once again complained she doesn't have today -- Grandmother, don't make me agree with Mother). But I'm not the guardian. Mother is. Grandmother's good as gone. And I am powerless to stop it.