A lot of things to do today -- foremost among them is attempting to send this important column out before tonight's Mythical National Championship -- but I feel so fat that I'm going to take some unprecedented steps. Not only am I working out earlier in the day, like 4 o'clock, but I'm going to attempt to -- gulp -- use one of the community center's showers. I'm going to bring a towel and some soap, and I'm going to bring them into the center, and when I'm done exercising, I'm going to use the shower.

I'll probably get ringworm shit on my feet, but I'm showering after exercising at the gym for one reason: I'm going to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Edition) tonight, and I want to smell halfway decent for my All-Time Favorite. If I want to avoid watching this sham of a college football championship, I might as well trip myself to some titty.

Of course, if I get really anxious over completing this column, I could see myself going to a coffeeshop and working on this (after "working" at the U.) instead of going to the gym. But shit, I feel so fucking fat. I don't know. ...