When I leveled enough of my checking account down to $2,000 so I can pay off as much of my credit card bill this month I could, I braced myself for the time I would come face-to-face with how little money I had. That day came Saturday before hitting Caffetto.
There's a gas station right across the street from the coffeeshop; it's the place where I took out a donut I decided not to buy because I thought the price was different. I figured that I would need some cash in the next several days, and since my bank's ATM is right there, I might as well take it out now. And it's only $20 these days; I usually take $60, but I am far from being able to take out so much money now.
This ATM always shows me what would be left in my account after I take the requested withdrawal out. And that's when it hit me: I have just over $2,000 now in my account. I remember at one time it was above $10,000. This time two years ago it was above five grand; this time last year I was fretting about how I was going below four grand. I have been below two thou before, but I immediately was able to deposit more money. I know I won't have that to save me this time. But I want to see a movie Tuesday, so what can I do?
There were extenuating circumstances for this new low. I overlooked an ESPN The Magazine automatic subscription renewal that's still charged to my other, American Express card; I did open the mail of that statement, but I just plain forgot, and I was charged a late fee of $35 (and will suffer from a worsened credit score
Nevertheless, that stark figure killed the dreams and altered the plans of what I want to do in the future -- for real. This isn't a case where I bitch about not having money and then spend the money I have, even though I shouldn't. When that checking account shows a "1" for a first digit instead of a "2," I will freak out. Because there are tangible charges that, added together, could finally kill off whatever cash I have in there. I don't have a cushion, and that scares the shit and frustrates the shit out of me.
I had dreams, for example, of going to Detroit in three weeks to see the Central Collegiate Hockey Association's Mason Cup playoffs. This will be the last year of the CCHA before it is dissolved, the worst casualty of realignment happening to college hockey. It would have been a hell of a thing to see. I planned to the point where I asked the conference's media contact for a credential, and I checked the Megabus and Detroit bus schedules to see how I can get around. But I knew that these big bills were coming due, and I had no choice but to pay them down. And with such little money left, I don't think it's prudent to take a trip to Detroit to see and write about it. (I will add that one of the test reading companies signed me on to a project that begins the day I wanted to leave for Detroit. Not only would taking this trip take money from me, but it would also prevent me from making money. That was not something I could do.) I had known in the back of my mind I just could not pull it off. But seeing my remaining account on the screen and in the receipt, I came face-to-face with it. That carcass of that dream is now real to me. I'm not going to Detroit.
You know what else I can't do? Porny stuff. The house parties I like to go to are kind of overrated anyway, especially if I have to pay ten or fifteen bucks to cover the cover charge. But I have such little money nowadays that I can't even go to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) anymore. I did after my first three "classes" at the U., but I kept seeing that I had no money in my wallet after I left, and I knew I didn't have much in my checking account, so I stopped going. And after seeing how small it is now, I still have to stay away. Hopefully it won't be so long that the girls there forget my name.
This could all go away, and my checking account could fatten up, if I had a job. But goddammit, it's still very hard to find one. I have a feeler for one job, but the details of that keep getting pushed further and further away. There was one that was perfect for me, and one at a health care company I used to work at over a decade ago, but unbeknownst to me, my contact gave that job to somebody else. And now there's another iron in the fire, this one that requires a phone interview with the person who will be supervising me. That was supposed to come Friday, but when I called Friday afternoon to ask what's up, I was told they haven't heard from them. Temp jobs are frequently taken away from me, and I'm not sure I have one until I literally get there and start working. Those will last longer than the test reader position, and I should take them in a heartbeat. I just don't know if one will ever come through.
I have more worries down the line. My huge credit card bill, the result of me paying to get new shocks and struts for the car and Christmas gifts, is not fully paid off yet. My meager "salary" from unemployment may not be enough to counter all the stuff I charge on a monthly basis. It sucks balls if I fail to spend less than what I currently take in now, but I might now have a choice. Then there's this $300 satellite radio bill that's on my AmEx card as of last week; I'll have to pay that off. And then there's taxes; even though I didn't make a lot of money, I'm certain I made more enough not to qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit. That would've helped; without it, I am facing paying taxes upwards of, no joke, $1,000.
And then there's the trip to Kansas City I'm taking just before Memorial Weekend. I canceled a trip to St. Louis planned for late September for reasons I can't remember. And I think Southwest said I would have to take it as credit towards another flight, but the trip had to end by June 3. I was spurred on to making a decision after seeing Southwest hold a sale a couple weeks ago, and after seeing that St. Louis wasn't really on special but there's a new non-stop flight from MSP to MCI (Kansas City's airport code), I decided I had to make my move. So I have to plan for hotel and rental, plus I had to charge the difference in air ticket price of about $21. These days every dollar that goes through my hands leads me closer to financial ruin.
I don't know what to do, besides continue to look for work. I'm already spending my days working out, but that's getting boring, and besides, I still have a gut. The next drastic step for me is to liquidate my Certificate of Deposit; it's making shit interest, but I didn't want to kill it for this purpose. But I might have to, and it still might not be enough to pay all my bills. Up next are the stocks, and after that, I have nothing.
So I have to hunker down. And not eat out. And not have fun. And wait for my fortunes to turn. Meanwhile, my stomach is in knots and my heart beats loudly from all the stress and I feel empty all over, just waiting for something to fucking go my way, and being afraid that living, truly living on The Knife's Edge is something I'll have to do for the rest of my fucking life.
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