Well, last week passed without receiving a letter asking me back. These two projects were slated for two weeks, which means we would have probably worked no more than one. One of them started last Monday, the other is slated to start on today. I will turn my phone on overnight; unless, by some miracle, I get called in to help in the morning, I am done for the year. And that means I have been rejected for a project or projects that, presumably, needed a lot of people to work it. That is a sad first.
That's what hurts the most. What I feared was going to happen earlier in the summer has actually happened, my worst fear realized. I don't know what to say. I feel humiliated and betrayed, and I don't know if it's their fault or mine. Let's go beyond my need for income now; this is something I might remember come holiday season, when the initial schedule comes out. How could I trust that they will think I'm as worthy of an employee as before if they chose to cut me loose? Wouldn't I be a fool to send that form back in, thinking that everything's hunky-dory and yippee, I get to work for them again? It's not like that. It can't be like that anymore, not after being rejected like this.
Which makes me think back to what I did the very last thing I did after my last project -- not the one I've been talking about, the one where I didn't know I was going to work it until the Wednesday before it started, but my very last project. Just in case something happened, I was going to say goodbye to my contact at the site and wish her a happy summer. She's always been straight with me (I've said that before here, haven't I?), and I just wanted to let her know that in case I find a different job (fat chance, but you never know) or, well, she and/or the company wouldn't hire me back on, I wanted to leave for the season on a positive note.
The only thing she said that seemed out of the ordinary was asking me if I was available for these last two projects of the season. I told her I was. In fact, this last day of work the she passed out a sheet asking if we were available to work those projects. I wrote my name down then, and I noted that I was when she asked me.
Right then, just right then, I had a little thought: Uh-oh, does she think I don't want to work? I pointed out that I made myself available, but when I said, "Have a nice summer, I'll see you either during the holidays or next year," did she take that to mean, "Well, guess I'm not asking him back anymore," or at least, "Hmmm ... if he's so lukewarm about continuing to do it, maybe I'll let other people have a chance to come in and work?" Hey, I pointed out that I wrote down my name saying I was available; all I said was, "Just in case," because fuck, you never what's going to happen -- she might quit for another job, I might get run over by a bus, you never know. That's all I was saying. Should I have emphasized that, yes, I want to work, please have me again? I should have. Goddamn, I should've shut my mouth. Now I'm officially unemployed.
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This project, the one where I thought I wasn't going to get picked up, its acceptance letter came the Wednesday before the project started on Monday. By last Wednesday evening I could see the writing on the wall, so on Friday I made plans to pick up my leftover creamer and Nut Goodie Bar. The receptionist told me they had already cleaned out the refrigerator, and that they do it every two weeks. I was certain that was not the case. I had planned on calling around this time and ask if they've cleaned it out on the off-hand chance I had to go down that day or, if possible, wait till a more convenient day next week.
When she told me it was too late and all my food was gone, it felt like insult to injury. Then she invited me to come down and check for myself, and that seemed like some sort of an insult to me, but I was still dealing with the humiliation I felt over the phone hearing of my appeal of the denial of my health insurance through the county the day before, as well as feelings that I wasn't going to get the scoring job, so I sort of let it pass my mind.
Brusquely, I hung up. And I just sat there in my car, dealing with my indignities, wondering what the fuck am I supposed to do now. It'd be a huge waste of time and gas to just go down there and check for myself when she said the fridges were already cleaned out. So I started thinking about what else I could do to spend my waking hours. But then I realized that I really had nothing else I could do besides go down there. Eh, what the hell, I thought -- I have no money, why the fuck now waste some driving 20 miles for nothing. So I did, just to kill time.
And a funny thing happened when I got down there: As soon as I was buzzed through the door, the receptionist, whom I vaguely recognized but who recognized me as the man who called a half-hour before, apologized. "You were right," she said, "they clean out the refrigerators monthly." Well, at least something went my way last week.
I noticed that there were a lot of cars in the center's parking lot. Not as full as most other scoring projects I've been a part of, but to me it meant that there were a number of projects still going on, and a healthy number of people helping out. And as I was looking around on my way to get my creamer and Nut Goodie Bar from the fridge, I did see at least one room at least half-filled with people, one of which I recognize. Why can't I be one of these guys? Are you saying I'm not good enough to work for this company anymore? I thought they you guys thought that earlier in the summer, but you deked me and brought me back, only to screw me over now. I don't like being misled. Did you not like my tone?
On my way out I thought I would say hi to my contact, possibly in the hopes of getting an explanation of why I wasn't selected. But I'll be honest: I was hoping, just in the most optimistic parts of my brain, that she would see me and go, "Hey, as long as you're here, we just got an opening for the project starting Monday. Do you want it?" And I'd go, "Hell yeah! I was available and willing to work!"
Wishful thinking; she wasn't there. She was working at a different place that day. Oh well. I guess I will hear from her over the holidays and see her next summer ... unless something
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