#-1: Wild (Last Week: Positive Numbers). In a week where none of the teams playing had records better than .500, by default I have to give the top spot to the team that at least clinched a playoff spot.
Yes, the Mild were able to secure a place in the Stanley Cup Playoffs for the third year in a row by scoring a pretty impressive 2-1 win in Chicago Tuesday. That was despite going on a three-game losing streak to begin the screening week (against the New York Rangers, which just won the Presidents' Trophy as the team with the best record in the regular season, Detroit and Winnipeg). Now last week I bitched about how people are touting the Mild as The Proverbial Team No One Wants To Face, but that was on the basis of momentum, and momentum has a way of disappearing at the most in opportune times. Those three losses (albeit to either playoff teams or teams fighting for a playoff spot, which is a bit disconcerting) does halt that momentum, which should, if I follow my logic correctly, be a good thing. But now I'm worried that they've lost all their mojo. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite.
Nevertheless, this is a fairly sizable accomplishment for a team that scuffled so bad in the middle of the season that the hole they dug themselves seemed impossible to surmount. While I will say that "teams digging themselves too big of a hole" is also a cliche -- if you say that to enough teams in the same season, one of those teams inevitably will dig themselves out of that hole; it's simple probability -- it is remarkable that one trade for a goaltender, which allowed the rest of the team to stay in their own lane not worry about covering for some sieve between the pipes, righted the ship ... albeit only as Wild Card 1.
The regular season ends this week with games at Nashville Thursday and St. Louis Saturday. I believe playoffs begin before next week's survey.
#-2: Swarm (Last Week: -1). The rest of this list will go by record, which means our local lacrosse squad gets the runner-up position. They beat New England at home Friday 12-8, but then took a massive dump Saturday in Buffalo, losing 10-2. That puts their record at 5-9. Like last year, I think there are only six teams that make the playoffs from the nine-team league, three in each division. And the Smarm are two games behind the Bandits, the team that just routed them last Saturday, for the third and final spot in the East Division.
The only thing going for them is that they begin a season-ending four-game homestand Saturday against Buffalo, so they have no better environment in which to run the table and maybe, maybe, snag that spot. That game also serves as the annual National Lacrosse League/Minnesota RollerGirls doubleheader.
#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3). A 2-2 week, but one of the wins was a Wednesday 11-0 rout of Carleton College at Siebert, so does that count? In the games that count, they lost two-of-three at Rutgers. That puts their record at 2-7, 11th in the 13-team conference (remember that Wisconsin does not have a baseball program). So, yeah, they're going nowhere.
Just thought of this: The Goofer baseball team said they needed to overhaul Siebert in order to recruit. Just like the Twins when they said they needed a new outdoor stadium in order to compete. Both clubs have gotten new edifices, and look at them now -- they suck! So what the fuck are these new stadia for?
Possibly the only saving grace they have is that, starting with a one-off against North Dakota St. Tuesday, they will begin a 13-game homestand. But first, they have to visit Nebraska for a three-game series.
#-4: Gopher softball (Last Week: -2). Last weekend showed the limits of this team, I'm afraid. I was at Sunday afternoon's rubber match against Michigan at Jane Sage Cowles Stadium. And they lost, badly -- 9-1 in six innings. It got so bad that they ended the game early. I think the rule, and it's called the run rule but I call it the mercy rule because it's mean, is this: If, after five full innings, the margin is six runs or more, the game is over. I don't care how good Michigan is, and they are really good. You don't get mercy-ruled at home. Never.
Now, I should balance that with the fact that the Gophers mercy-ruled the Wolverines by the exact same score in the exact same number of innings on Friday. (Michigan routed Minnesota 9-4 Saturday afternoon.) And, somehow, this squad actually rose in the one of the two college softball polls, to 11th. (They fell from 11th to 13th in College Sports Madness and from 14th to 15th in USA Today/NFCA Coaches). And so Golden Gopher MR is, obviously, using that ranking to promote the club's next big series at Cowles, Northwestern, which leads the B1G with an 8-0 record. I think I once again will try to go to Sunday's game, which like last week is at high noon. Weird note: Northwestern is undefeated in-conference, yet they are not ranked in any of the three polls.
#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4). Defeats to Orlando, Sacramento and Portland now run their losing streak to eight games. The only intrigue involving this injury-riddled, insouciant team is The Race To The Bottom, and as of press time, they are only one game behind New York for worst record in the National Basketball Association (they are 1 1/2 games ahead of Philadelphia for second). So they have a chance to be the worst team in the NBA, which they seem to be every single fucking year.
By the way, Kevin Garnett, the man whom the entire state ballyhooed upon his return, has now missed the team's last 17 games.
Thank Buddha this is the last week of the regular season. They visit The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers and the team with the best record in the Association, The Bastard Philadelphia Warriors, before returning to Target Center to face The Bastard Charlotte Hornets and The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics.
#-6: Twins (Re-Entry!). Way to hit the ground running, Twinks! They open the 2015 year by getting shut out 4-0 at the hands of Detroit Tigers ace David Price Monday, then follow that up Wednesday by getting the shit kicked out of them 11-0. Not only have they not scored yet this season, they haven't even managed to get a runner over to third base. They've been outhit at Comerica 25-9. Going back to the end of last year, they have been held scoreless the last 18 innings of play. The lineup's sudden pop was, alongside Phil Hughes (and what a way to set the tone for the team, Phil!), the only good surprise from last year, and so far, it's gone to shit.
The starting rotation is already shit, but we already knew that. Ricky Nolasco is so much the shit, coughing up six runs and not even getting an out in the fourth inning in Wednesday's loss. That exacerbates that much more the surprise suspension of supposed good guy and a man signed to the largest free agent contract in the history of the franchise, Pitcher Ervin Santana, who said he didn't "knowingly" take Performance Enhancing Drugs. Any Pitcher would help this sorry set of arms, but he won't be riding to the rescue for 80 games.
If they play this badly through the season opener Monday vs. Kansas City, there should be a goddamn rebellion. Before this series against the Royals, the Twinks finish up their series at Detroit today (Thursday), then play a three-game series in Chicago. The Friday game is the White Sox's home opener.
#-7: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: 0). Wait a second ... can women's college basketball players actually leave early for the pros? I had no fucking clue that you could. But Amanda Zahui B., recently named as the first Gopher to be named Associated Press All-America First Team, said on Monday she is skipping the last two years of college eligibility and declare for the Women's National Basketball Association Draft. Guess the contract with the WNBA states that the youngest age you are draft-eligible for is 22. And Zahui is 22. So she's gone.
This is a devastating blow for the team and the program. Because Zahui was such a huge big, she always was seen as having game-changing potential. And she blossomed last year in the absence of Rachel Banham, who was gone for the year with a busted ACL. Her numbers wouldn't be as good next year with Banham back, but it looked like they would be a much better team. In fact, in an interview, Head Coach Marlene Stollings said that other people touted Minnesota as a potential Final Four team. There's obviously no chance of that now. They'll have Banham manning the point and Carlie Wagner (hopefully) raining threes from outside. They just won't have any inside presence -- not next year, and maybe not in the near future.
Zahui was a once-in-a-lifetime player for the program. Someone like her will not come around these parts ever again.
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