Paralyzed

I should be worried about finding work, and I am.  I should be making plans to go back to school, which I am thinking stronger and more about.  But right now, at this point, all the demons in my head surround the alumni club, of which I am putative president.

There is so much to do; I have to arrange this fundraiser event, which we've done each of the past. say, four years, and should be coming up in less than a month.  I have to worry about these games we need to find a place to watch them, when is also coming up in less than a month.  And finally, I need help running this club.  I should get the word out on all of them; the next step is asking if anyone can help with this fundraiser or hosting these parties or becoming members of the board.  But I haven't done that, at least not yet.

Why?  Really, I wanted to give myself a break after this huge party, which is now more than a week ago.  But honestly, I am also paralyzed as to what to do next.  The next step I have taken -- and it was really hard to do even that -- is to visit the bar where we go to to see if everything's cool and if we can come back next year.  I even ate at his place twice in the past few days, but he wasn't there, and I can't get ahold of him through e-mail.  I don't think I can proceed until I am absolutely sure we're good as our bar for this upcoming football season.  But I could just be talking out of my butt; of course I can do other things, I just don't want to.

You know why I'm not doing it?  I'll be judged.  I'll talk about the party later, but there are a few other people who, in my opinion, are judging me.  And they will judge any decision I make regarding where we watch our games, which is very important.  What if I do something or post something on Facebook and they don't like it?  They could go beyond judging me.  They could badmouth me, they could undermine me behind the scenes, they might even decide to overthrow me and take over the club.  Which, to be honest, wouldn't be the worst thing.  I think the club could be better run in another person's hands.  But what I don't like is the humiliation over being potentially ousted because people who are powerful and more organized than I decided they don't like me.

I know, for example, that those people get on Facebook and see me like stuff and be friends with lady bodybuilders and play Mafia Wars and shit.  And they're thinking, "Hey, shouldn't he being doing stuff with the club?  He's derelict in his responsibility!"  That's what I'm afraid of: If I post these things, these cries for help on Facebook, they'll say something like, "Why has it taken you so long to ask?  Haven't you been on Facebook for the past week-and-a-half?"  And I'll have nothing good to say in response to that.  That's why I haven't acted on that -- fear.

But I have to.  I have no choice.  I have to confess that I need help.  I also need to get in touch with this guy and set up this fundraising thing, too.  I just hope it's not too late, and then I hope I don't get blindsided just for asking.