So I haven't had time to speak to him. I guess it would be a little frustrating on his end that we do not have a set schedule. And yet, it has been a little ... concerning to see him react by reaching out to me -- even when I have not scheduled a session with him.
I had a couple days off last week. (These were planned in advance of my co-worker's surprise surgery, so even though they could have used the manpower, I decided to keep my staycation.) That was the perfect time to speak with my shrink. I set something up with his assistant. We agreed upon a time: Last Thursday at 1. So, after I ate al fresco at Centro and wound up at Glam Doll, I set up the shades in my car and waited for him to ring in.
And I waited. And I waited. I waited about an hour before I decided not to wait any longer. It's not as if I had concrete plans, but as a general rule, I'm not going to wait for anyone for a long time if we had a set time we would meet. Hey, I wanted to try Eat Street Crossing. So I did. And that's when my psychiatrist called. Now, I could have just sat there and started talking to him. I didn't have much to do. But this is a therapy session, so I don't know if I want to blab my innermost secrets out on a patio, and besides, it gets noisy outdoors. More than that, I thought I had given him enough time to call. And I didn't feel obligated to delay any plans I conjured up in my head because he was late, however trivial those plans are. So I told him I was busy and I'll speak to him later.
Later, turns out, was the next afternoon. I really do want to talk with him, so I moved an optometrist appointment and exercise around to be at a park Friday at 3. I think the woods are secluded enough to take in a therapy session over the phone. But once again, he didn't call. And as I think I have said from time to time here at WAF, lately he has been rather flighty with calling in at our supposedly-scheduled dates. I don't understand what's going on.
What really scares and bugs me, however, is that, out of the blue, he called Tuesday afternoon. I didn't pick up because I was at work. But I think he knows that I have a daytime job. I'm not completely convinced he confused Tuesday at 1 with last Thursday at 1. He is getting up there in age, and I'm afraid I can't rule out cognitive issues. And if he did know that we didn't schedule a time to talk Tuesday afternoon and just wanted to talk anyway, well, that's quite creepy. I have spoken about his recent propensity to blur the boundary being doctor and patient. Calling me up whenever to talk about whatever is a further trespass. I don't know what to make of it, but I don't like it.
I am still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. With no regular time to meet (and we haven't had one really since before the pandemic started), I am not in a position to pass judgement on when my psychotherapist should talk to me, and I don't think I can be too upset that he wants to talk to me when I say that I want to talk to him. But at the same time, I don't think it's too much to ask to call when I, you know, schedule a call.
So how come he can't call when I want him to, and he does call when I don't want him to? This has gotten really annoying, to the point where I don't really look forward to speaking with him, at least now. I am scared that he no longer sees this relationship as a professional one that requires boundaries. I confide in him, I have told him things I haven't told anybody else, but that doesn't mean I want to shoot the bull whenever I'm bored. I'm starting to believe he thinks we can, and that I want to. That's ... not the case. And now I don't feel like talking to him, about that or, really, anything else, for that matter.
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