So last night my boss asked me to stay late in order to help him with a task that he wanted to get done before today (Friday). I was reading off a list of numbers, and he needed to make sure that the numbers that he punched in corresponded to the right name; if it did, he could send it through.
So there's this name that was Asian. After telling me the name to make sure it matches up, he asks, "So, do you know him?"
Well, now you did it. You have ruined everything. Fuck you.
Offended, I couldn't do anything else except get up and go to the bathroom. And he didn't seem to get I didn't like his joke: "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, he's Japanese!" he told me on the way out. And the worst thing was, after I came back and all through the extra hours I stayed in order to get this done, he still didn't get it; he was pickin' and grinnin' like his joke was the best fucking thing he ever came up.
So now what? SO NOW WHAT?! My first instinct, to be honest with you, is to just cram this down, keep it to myself, and not come back next season. I have been angling to work at this place, and ideally for a job where he's my boss, but right now, that's the furthest thing from my mind. That asshole melted down on me at the flu biller place, and I never came back because of him. Haven't regretted it either. I got this job instead, and I thought I lucked out. Nope, that ain't true!
And I can't ask for an apology. "I think that's racist! I don't like what you said!" I mean, really? I'm supposed to rock the boat like that? I'll come off as the most hyper-sensitive pill ever. No, I can't go to HR or file a complaint or anything like that. That's too fucking weird.
And now, now, if somehow he does understand that maybe what he said wasn't, uh, polite, and he tries to apologize to me at work today, things will get even more awkward. Because a part of me just to forget the bullshit he said and just go on with things. Am I supposed to accept his apology? Because then the relationship we had will truly not be the same. I thought he was cool. That racist comment shows that he's not. But frankly, his apology, when he shouldn't have said that in the first fucking place, also shows he isn't cool. What I am supposed to do in that case?
And yet I'm hoping he does fucking man up and apologize to me, because him not getting really pisses me off. Arrgh!!! See how one fucking stupid comment ruins everything?? Why couldn't he just shut his goddamn mouth about this?
And now this dumb joke, and my reaction to it, are bringing up emotions and questions that I can't deal with. For example, I just went through my Instagram account and commented that I wanted to jerk off to every picture that should a hot lady with her ass hanging out of her thong. I know for a fact that someone would be offended by me saying that. And I also know for a fact that I have said things that have offended other people. If that's the case, why don't I apologize for that? Why shouldn't I be more sensitive to their feelings? Why can't my feelings be validated with feeling like I'm a hypocrite for feeling them?
And I have to tell you, shit like this is the reason I started this blog, because I cannot tell anyone about this, and that frightens me, because this is how sexual harassment occurs in the workplace. You're too ashamed to tell anyone about what happened. I work closely with someone who's been with this company, and with him, for three years now. I think I could confide in him, but if I do, I know either that would ruin the relationship he has with him ... or it would ruin the relationship he has with me.
See what I mean about this opening all a whole can of bullshit? I have been put into an awkward position, and anything I do to alleviate this awkwardness will probably lead me into other awkward positions! And all because my boss said something racist? Goddamn him!
And on top of all that ... he's treated me well. He's been busy with a lot of things, both at work and personally. But over the course of last season and (till now) this season, he's been forthright with my duties, been generous with buying us food because he knows he hasn't been so generous with his time, and (again till now) been a pretty good guy. See, I feel deeply offended by what he said, but I also cannot disregard all the good things he's done for me. And -- this might sound bad, but here goes -- I don't know if he thought I would be OK with a joke like that. You could say that it's his fault for not regarding my feelings when he cracked that joke. But I too have been in a situation where I didn't think what I said would be so hurtful to someone I thought would be "cool" with it. In most of those cases I apologized, because it wasn't my intent to hurt that person. But frankly, when I did that I'm sure I thought to myself, "Man, what's her/his deal?" and I distanced myself from that person, permanently, because I felt like I was walking around eggshells around that him or her, and life is too short to be dragged down by people who will call you out on every single thing you say.
And now the shoe is on the other foot.
Don't know what to do. I know that I won't ever feel the same about work ever again. This is where I, probably, start to emotionally detach myself from this place and the people who work there, slowly but passive-aggressively, so they know it while not being quite sure if it's happening. It's what I do. It's what I have to do. It's what I've always done because it's what I know to do.
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