What Would I Do?

Maybe I have to face the truth.  Maybe the reason I avoid venturing out during the day, or fear getting stopped by these assholes while driving, or run through my mind what I would do if I see someone getting abducted, is because I am scared of what I would say and do ... or not say or do.

I have proof that I am a citizen.  But it looks like these motherfuckers don't give a solitary fuck about that.  If they don't, and they decide to haul me in, what would I do then?  But there's something way more sinister than that.  It sounds as though these pricks insult you to your face in an effort to get you going.  I have a temper.  Could I be baited into saying something or doing something that'll be justification for getting taken away?  Absolutely.  Now, I have to remember that these pieces of shit have guns and therefore hold all the cards.  It might not matter what I say or do, or don't say or do.  They'll do whatever they want, at that time, just because they fucking want to.  And yet, I wonder if some of it would be "my fault" if I lose it.

And then there's the other side.  What if I get stopped in my car or on the street, and when they ask for proof of citizenship, even though I don't have to (and I have heard conflicting advice on this), I give them that proof?  And let's say they let me go.  Frankly, I would be relieved I wouldn't be kidnapped.  But what I did in order to remain a free man is to knuckle under this fascist régime's orders.  I would be complicit.  I just decided to give them what they want because I didn't want to get my ass kicked.

So what kind of a man, what kind of an American, what kind of a patriot would I truly be if I did what these Republican shitstains tell me to do?  And am I going to look the other way if someone gets spirited away into a plateless SUV to points unknown?  I'm afraid the answer to that last question is yes.  That murder Saturday morning really frightens me.  The first one here a couple weeks ago was bad enough.  But I am a big believer in that once you do something unfathomable and heinous, doing it again is much easier.  I'm afraid I can see a rash of killings by these racist government thugs.  Hey, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?  And it's that backdrop of these goddamn bullies threatening your life if they don't get their way that makes me scared that I will not be courageous when the time comes for me to be brave.

So, who will I be -- or maybe more to the point, what side will I show -- when these sons-of-bitches come for me -- the chickenshit too meek to do anything so he can go home in one piece, or the dead man who had to stand up to someone because it's the right thing to do?  I don't think I want to know.  And that's why I stay home as much as I can.  And that's why I hate myself right now.

About non-violent resistance: I don't know if that's enough.  Apparently (and I could be wrong), protestors are observing and not getting in the way as they do what they're doing.  But what they're doing is violent -- abducting people based on race, separating adults from children, making those kids bait by forcing them to ask adults in a house to come out so they can be abducted too, and then pepper-spraying those protestors who aren't getting in the way.  What good is blowing whistles and recording them when the people getting kidnapped are being detained, tortured, and then thrown out of the country?

Yes, intervening is illegal.  But so is what they're doing.  And you say non-violence is going to stop this?

Living Like This

I just heard that there is an application that can pinpoint where people of color live in a given neighborhood.  All the information we have given through the Internet and our cellphones has finally been weaponized against us under this installed government.  Finally comes the surveillance state.  Meanwhile, the "small government" militias should be taking up arms now, but they're awfully quiet.  Turns out some of us knew all along: They're only small government when the people they don't like are in charge.  When people they do like are in charge, they're totally cool with that.  Shit, they might just take arms and become the hatchet men of the government.  Fucking posers.

---

I gave myself a nightmare whereby I have just shut the door on my way to my car in the morning and two of these pricks, standing against my house, jump me and try to hustle me into their SUV.  But I resist, punching and kicking and biting all the way.  Finally, I reach for some guy's gun and blast the two fuckers who were holding me down ... only to get shot by reinforcements standing a few feet away.

That might be how I go.

---

They got really close today.  These monsters were hanging out at the hospital, trying to get in.  Luckily, if I heard correctly, they weren't allowed in.  But they keep coming at us like this.

And now I hear they're vulturing around the elementary school.  What they're doing is kidnapping.  It's not lawful no matter what anyone says, it's kidnapping.  And kidnapping kids?  I don't care who they are, and I don't care what happens to them if, Lord willing, we the people finally stop them.  Disgusting.

---

I was invited to a party this weekend.  Want to, mostly because one of my ATFs is going, but I won't attend.  For one thing, it's at an area that feels as though it'll be visited.  For another, there's football, and I want to watch both Games.  But I have to tell you, the stripper organizing the house party has turned into a fucking MAGAt.  I had no idea she was so racist, but ever since he was installed a second time last year, she hasn't been shy about sharing memes on her Facebook that make my stomach turn.  And I'm very surprised it's coming from her because she's mixed.  Who does she think she is, White?

I have dropped on occasional comment on her Facebook implying what she's posting is wrong and/or Republican, but she hasn't said anything back to me on that front.  But when I told her I couldn't go to her party, she gave me a sad emoticon.  Does she understand how racist she is, and I'm not really digging that shit?  But why am I being so strident?  If this fascism dies down, I'll probably go to one of her parties again.

---

It seems as though there wasn't a whole lot of activity yesterday/Thursday, attempted invasion of the hospital aside.  I could be imagining things.  Maybe this is a lull before another surge.  Or, they might be hesitating because it turned cold yesterday/Thursday.  It'll get even colder today/Friday, and it'll be that way for the next week or so.  By God, if this gives these assholes a second thought, we just might get out of this.

The Correct-Minded Beaches In Los Angeles

I lived in Los Angeles for college, and while I miss living there, it has been apparent that large parts of the area are infested with MAGAts.

As Trump was leaving, I saw tweets about Hunting Beach, Calif., having massive protests against him leaving.  It saddened me.  I always wanted to go to Huntington Beach because it looked beautiful, but apparently the people there and their politics were decisively ugly.

So, I asked through Twitter just now if there were any beaches in the L. A. area that were more progressive in their outlook.  I got two responses.  And I decided I will type them in here, for posterity.

The first is Venice Beach.  Went there once.  A street busker was racist toward me, so eh.  The second has been deleted when I looked, but I think, and I hope, it's Santa Monica.  There was one weird dude there, but besides that, I loved going there when I had a chance to go there.

So, Venice and Santa Monica Beaches -- the correct-minded beaches in Los Angeles.

The Grunts Are Complicit, Too

I should devote more time, thought and words to this blog post, but this is about a subject so above my expertise that the more I think about it, the more tongue-tied I get, so I'll admit my naiveté and make this relative short.

Through all these kidnappings off the street (by the way, I still can't get used to "disappeared" as a verb), one thing I haven't heard is the people who are doing these drive-by kidnappings.  Trump and Stephen Miller are giving the orders, but someone is carrying them out.  They are on its face immoral, and you probably can make the case that they are illegal, especially if you are taking United States citizens.  But from what I hear, these, uh, nabbings are continuing.

So who are these people?  And, more importantly, how can they justify just taking people, nearly all of whom are surprised, a few of them crying kids being ripped away from their parents, from their lives?  "Just following orders?"  I think the Nuremburg Trials has said that's not an excuse.  Are they racist?  There was a report during The Clinton Era that put out a huge report that white supremacists are infiltrating law enforcement agencies in all levels, federal, state and local, but Republicans shouted the administration into withdrawing that report -- which, it looks now, is a huge mistake for our country.

Or, are these ICE (and, I think, shockingly, the once-staid FBI) agents doing this because they are in thrall of Trump, or the Republican party?  If a Democrat were in charge, and she or her ordered ICE & FBI agents to grab this person or that person off the street and ship them out without due process, would they do it?  The more I think about that, the more I believe that they won't.  They'll say it is against the spirit of the Constitution.

These people doing the grunt work have to be brought to justice, too.  Remember that.

Sorry I Missed You, The Conners

The series finale of The Conners, the situation comedy Roseanne turned into after star Roseanne Barr shot her racist mouth off, was last/Wednesday night.  I watched The Conners throughout its seven seasons, and I liked it a lot, but I didn't really realize it was ending for good until I saw a commercial for it on, I think, Monday.

Have to be honest, though: I think I saw an ad for The Conners several weeks ago which highlighted that this was indeed going to be the last season of the show.  This series finale didn't really hit me out of the blue, but I forgot that commercial from several weeks ago as soon as it was over.  In one ear and out the other, and I almost missed seeing the whole damn thing.

I knew there were times I got home on Wednesdays over the past six weeks before 7 p.m.  I had the chance to turn on the TV and see the show, and yet I didn't.  I was probably scrolling through my phone as a way to decompress from a long day at work.  I could have been watching The Conners instead, and now I feel bad that I didn't.

Moreover, I feel bad that I didn't catch the final two episodes, which aired back-to-back last/Wednesday night.  Work was murdering me yesterday/Wednesday.  I could have left it over for the next day, but I knew that there would be more work beyond the work I left for me today/Thursday, and I really, really want to go out to an NFL Draft party in the evening, and I'm determined to leave so that I get to somewhere to watch by 7, and that means staying late last/Wednesday night to give myself every opportunity to get all the work done and, fingers crossed, leave at a not-too-obscene time this/Thursday evening.  But as soon as I decided that I would miss the first episode of The Conners at 7 (which is the penultimate episode of the series) due to work, I surmised that I would miss the beginning of the second episode, aka the series finale, at 7:30.  I had to stay late, and then I indulged in some leftover taco bar food that had been laying out at room temperature in the break room.  (The company catered lunch yesterday/Wednesday.)  If I had skipped the ad hoc nachos I made for myself, I might've been able to get home in time.  Instead, I think I caught the last 15 minutes of the finale, maybe less.  Maybe I can see those episodes somewhere else for free.

Still, the guilt lingers.  I wish I could've remembered that The Conners likely started their season some time in the spring.  I wish I could've pried my eyes from my phone and laid them on the television set once the clock struck 7, just out of curiosity.  I wish a lot of things that I let slip from my hands.

Social Media Truly Is A Shithole

I have really cut down on Twitter (fuck calling it X), and my big regret is that I didn't quit it sooner.  I waited until the results of the election, which was a mistake, because I had heard and seen that the new owner of Twitter was turning it into a white supremacist cesspool.  It wasn't the free-wheeling Twitter of even 2016, when it was used to peddle Republican disinformation.

You know, come to think of it, I should've quit Twitter of the 2016 election.  And I knew how destructive that platform was leading up to November, but I stayed on because the algorithm successfully engaged my rage.  But now that I saw how successful it was in brainwashing The Enemies Among Us, I had to leave ... and the owner and his fascists followers have the last laugh.

Now, I'm not deleting my account or anything.  In fact, I still go there from time to time.  I think I hear that the worst thing you can do is just keep your account dormant, because then hackers can get into your account and post as yourself, and I don't need anyone acting as an impostor.

---

What I have done with Twitter I should do with Facebook.  It has also gone downhill lately, namely around the time Zuck went to suck Trump's dick.  I see a lot more ads than status updates from friends, especially when I'm scrolling through the app on my phone.  There isn't much disinformation I'm seeing, but there are a hell of a lot more ads, and I am kind of over being sold stuff that doesn't interest me.  Also, all these tech bros kissing the ass is anti-democratic.  Every time I get on Facebook and interact is more money I'm giving Zuck.  So I'm trying to cut down, but goddammit, it's so goddamn addictive!

Democracy Died Yesterday

Yeah, I said democracy died before, and I'll probably say that again.  But ... well, Jack Smith pulled the indictments.  He had to, otherwise the Supreme Court could make them go away.  Ironically, I now have to hope that this motherfucker doesn't die so that he can be brought up on charges after he leaves office.

That piece of shit has skated all his goddamn life.  He cheated to win in 2016, he couldn't accept that he lost in 2020 so he got all his goons to storm the U. S. Capitol, he threatened everyone who wasn't a cis, white male who didn't cross him (at least according to him), he said every racist and sexist thing one could think of, I'm fairly certain he asked for foreign help this election cycle -- which, like in 2016, is illegal -- and ... he's going to get away with it.

There's been a lot of slagging on Merrick Garland.  True.  There should also, I'm afraid, be a lot of blame given to President Biden.  While Garland was too slow to indict those who masterminded the insurrection, who was the one who hired him?  But ultimately we can't lose focus on the true enemies: Republicans who covered for him and the Supreme Court that ruled that the President is above the law, which goes against constitutional precedent as well as common sense.  They all let that prick get away with it.

And that led to yesterday.  I'm trying not to harm myself, but the good things that are happening to bad, bad people are only going to continue, and it is very difficult to not scream, or worse.

(ETA at 1:08 a.m. on 11/26/24 that even though Jack Smith is dismissing these indictments without prejudice, there's a goddamn statute of limitations of four years -- while that bastard is in office.  As pessimistic and depressed I've been acting, yes, I still held out hope on one shred of evidence that maybe, just maybe, he could get nailed for his crimes.  But no, the statute of limitations pretty much ends that.  My hopes being dashed just by reading the news proves how much of a stupid hopeless romantic I am for truth and justice.  And like I say, it's the hope that kills you.  I need to put sharp objects out of my reach.)

Goodbye, Twitter/X, Hello, Bluesky

The election shouldn't have prompted me to do it, but I'm far from the only one.  I had heard good things about it from time to time in the months leading up to last Tuesday, but I didn't really consider jumping from the dominant social media platform to one of these upstarts.  For one, I got what I needed from Twitter/X: Engagement, smart people promoting their smart things, and jokes and dunks on stupid people.

But I knew that I was liking and reposting under a company owned by Elon Musk, a guy I once thought was cool but had turned into a thoughtless, id-driven man-child who only talked shit about the concept of "free speech."  I didn't see all the hateful comments others saw, but I kept many of my settings private and largely stayed in my own lane.  Still, yes, Election Day was the final straw.  I also knew in the back of my mind that he was using his highly-leveraged platform to, uh, platform, racists and vile Republicans in order to tip the balance of races on Election Day in Republicans' favor, and goddammit, it worked.  It took this to fully realize I am monetizing myself for that asshole, and that was enough.

I need to be honest, though: Since devoting my attention over to Bluesky, the thing I miss the least was all those fucking ads.  And it's always the same one: That game where you shoot at something with a flashing number on it, and that number keeps going down.  Meanwhile, there are hordes of people coming at little old you, and the demonstration shows the object of the game is to ... well, survive, I guess?  Anyway, that was, like, every third tweet I saw, and even though I click on "Not interested in this ad," nowadays I still see that ad.  (By the way, I believe it's the same company that came out with a different type of game promoted on X/Twitter that I actually signed up for.  The gameplay was nothing, and I repeat, nothing like the promoted ad on X/Twitter.  I am so goddamn pissed that I gave these bait-and-switchers my personal information for a shitty lie.)  No doubt that that cesspool was where the racists and sexists lived because Musk invited them back.  But, I was most annoyed by the ads ...

... of which there are none on Bluesky.  I remember having that platform recommended on a local news website by a commenter.  Last Wednesday or Thursday, seeing how I was engaging for Musk, I decided to look around and, after looking around real quick, I signed up.  It is growing at breakneck speed.  So far, many people poking around Bluesky liken it to the younger, more innocent days of Twitter, where there were no ads to avoid, and no Republicans there to try to get you going.  Since it still is in an embryonic state (even though it's been around for several years now), people are trying to instill a "culture" there that's directly the opposite of the one in the old place, one that demands inclusion and thoughtfulness, and one where Republican trolls are easily and routinely blocked.

I like it so far, mainly because it looks a lot like Twitter/X, just without the baggage.  The easy block features sets up situations where posters congregate in their own bubbles, but quite frankly, the "public square" aspect of X/Twitter has just turned into firehoses of disinformation from people whose handles end in a string of ten digits, so I don't really care if I'm in an echo chamber.  It's good for my mental health.  But at some point there will be a controversial topic I am fascinated with, and I will wonder how ... uh, tolerant the place will be if I sincerely ask something I don't know, or state a minority opinion.  I don't mind debate on social media.  I just want that debate to happen in good faith, and I know that's no longer happening in Arkham Asylum over there.  That's why I am severely limiting my eyeball viewing on Twitter.  I won't shut down my account(s) because I think I would give my paper trail to Musk, so I will just lurk and not repost or publish anything original over there anymore.

So far, the vibes are good at Bluesky.  There's a mixture of relief over escaping a hellsite that just realized its worst fears and basest instincts combined with a happiness that there seems to be a community of millions that look forward to something new, happier, and free from pain.  I think all correct-minded Americans need that right now.  Of course, maybe Bluesky isn't meant to last.  After all, I think it's owned by a tech bro -- just like Twitter was before that dude sold out to Elon Musk.

Democracy Has Died; We Are A Broken Nation

So after I blog posted my previous blog post I got a push notification from my phone that Wisconsin went to That Fucking Guy.  That he won, as soon (remember that Biden took Pennsylvania and thus the presidency four days later, on Saturday) as he did overnight, makes me suspicious, frankly.  Hey, it all depends on the conspiracy theories that are true.  Fifteen million votes fewer for Harris than for Biden?  Did they all not vote for her?

I cannot believe that this fucking asshole, who was convicted of 30+ felonies, who is a rapist, who broke the law to steal the presidency back in 2016, and who is a stupid asshole who can't even get through a speech without going into a demented fugue state, "won" again.  Don't even believe he won fair and square here, either.  There were bomb threats in polling places in Georgia and Pennsylvania; they were traced to, duh-duh-duh, Russia.  That Fucking Guy had meetings with Netanyahu; I will totally believe he made a deal with Trump to not agree to a ceasefire in Gaza just to make Biden look bad.  And from 2016, the Original Sin of foreign election interference and conspiracy, the people who were brainwashed into voting for him then voted for him again.  That's still foreign election interference in my mind.

But the overriding takeaway from this election is that this country simply is not willing to make a woman its president, especially one of color.  It is not a surprise that America remains deeply sexist and racist, but the ramifications of those deep-seated prejudices on such an important event, when the other choice is that piece of shit, is still shocking, and sad.  Harris is immensely qualified, smart, diplomatic, and doesn't dance like a bobblehead for 30 minutes.  But Trump's a white guy, so he has to win.

We can't forgot the media apparatus surrounding Republicans.  There is a behemoth of a cable station, several radio networks, and now goddamn podcasts all supporting that gutless cult of a party.  It's scary to think that Joe Rogan (who has daughters, by the way) may have played kingmaker.  The guy from Fear Factor played kingmaker?

With that being said, commenters who are doing post-mortems unanimously believe Biden would have done worse.  I will not agree.  If America is so sexist and racist and selfish and hypocritical that it would reject an accomplished Senator such as Kamala Harris for a guy in his eighties who gave a blowjob to a microphone, isn't there a possibility that pushing out a White guy, Joe Biden, for Harris was a mistake?  Hey, this move backfired on us.  Maybe Biden should have stayed.  I think he could have won.

I need to end this or else I'll start throwing things.

Yesterday/Wednesday Was A Low-Key Not-Good Day

Despite having a relatively slow and easy day at work, it was a bad day.  Why?  Allow me to list them:

• Well, the world.  I just don't understand how a fucking demented, racist and convicted felon who has vowed to do the bidding of conservative oligarchs to implement what basically is fascism to America isn't thrown into the fucking ocean instead of being nominated for President, and, more weirdly, everybody looks at one debate, doesn't look at what Joe Biden has done, and is demanding he drop out by insinuating that everybody close to him wants him to drop out.  (Seriously, the journalism surrounding this ... for lack of a better word, "plan" is so coordinated that it seems fishy.  Really, it feels like some trick a Republican would make up.  And it sure as shit ain't journalism.)  Everywhere, no one cares the fire is spreading, and no one wants to speak about it.
• Got yelled at by a customer.  I was doing my job, making sure a test gets run, and she goes, "You are delaying testing."  Asshole, I am doing my job.  Also, you are not the one who gets to tell me how I'm doing my job.  I would rather not shunt dealing with prick customers to someone else, but I think I only do it for, like, two companies.  I think I can add a third.  I really think I need to so long as I am at this job, because I was close to saying something I should not have said.
• During the day I called the ticket rep to whom I'm coordinating this mass purchase of tickets for my alma mater's football Game here.  I still don't know what to expect, but I got some clarity, and it's bad news, too: Most of the seats some of us want to sit in are already gone.  In fact, we might have to sit in the upper deck, and I don't know if they want to sit up there.  Also, we are going to pay a hefty convenience fee.  Oh, and we don't know when we can buy them.  All those factors are really harshing my mellow.
• Saw the Loons lose.  They lost handily and awfully, to Vancouver, 3-1, and it wasn't that close.  The Whitecaps scored their first Goal when they pounced on a piss-poor slow backpass to the Goalkeeper, who is the third-string one called up from their MNUFC2 reserve team.  Add a header where the guy out-jumped our guy by a full head, then add a completely unmarked guy getting a golazo from just outside the box, and these fuckheads have now lost five in a row.  And I'm giving these guys money as a season-ticketholder!
• Ate a lot.  I ate a whole lot the day before -- a roll Mother made for me to eat at work, then dinner, then a Cheez-It Crunchwrap from Taco Bell (although I don't think I got the Cheez-It), then I ate peanuts to keep me awake for the Colombia-Brazil Copa America Match, then I ate the banana Father made for me to eat at work.  Yesterday/Wednesday I had another roll.  On the way to Allianz Field some kids were selling cookies, so I bought one.  I ate this smashburger and mac 'n' cheese at the United FC Match.  Because they lost, I went to Kwik Trip to drink a Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Then I ate a banana Father packed for me.  I was wearing a medium USWNT jersey, and I could feel it wrap around my fat stomach, and I think I getting fat around my sides, too.  God, I need to exercise again.
• Finally, my car's acting up again.  The short rattling noises when I accelerate are back.  I haven't heard them for a while, but I have been accelerating slowly when I can.  If this is something getting worse no matter how much I baby my car, I will have to bring it in sooner than I want.

But hey, it's a midweek holiday!

Fuck PWHL Minnesota

Well, there was between a smattering and an undulating river of boos when Ken Klee took to the podium -- after undermining and assuming Natalie Darwitz's role as General Manager of PWHL Minnesota.  I shouldn't talk since I had the opportunity to go there and decided to go home after watching The Fall Guy instead at the theater (by the way, it's the perfect summer movie, go watch it).  But I was hoping for a torrent of boos, and maybe someone bringing in a javelin, wrapping his or her or their PWHL Minnesota jersey around it, setting the damn thing on fire, and aiming -- not at Klee, but at the stage, somewhere near the podium, far enough from the podium that everyone could easily get away from the fiery projectile, but close enough to the podium to get everyone on there to jump.

Alas, that was not to be.  Also alas, it got worse.  In the Second Round, Klee (or Kendall Coyne Schofield, possibly the real puppetmaster) selected Britta Curl, a Forward out of the University of Wisconsin.  I did not know this until X/Twitter informed me, but apparently she has supported social media posts advocating for transphobia, promoting COVID-19 conspiracy theories, and defending police brutality against Black people.  This, mind you, coming from the Professional Women's Hockey League, a league that has many, many members of the LGBTQIA+ community playing on the ice.  And don't forget, since this is Pride Month, the PWHL itself has recast its logo in rainbow colors.

X/Twitter isn't real life.  But by God, you should see the venom coming from local fans.  Or used-to-be fans, as a lot of people are done with this team after drafting Curl.  I was done with this team after they backstabbed Darwitz.  But I am really, really done with these fuckers now.  And if we Minnesotans have any goddamn spine, the events of last/Monday night should mean everyone else is done with this shitty franchise, too.

Had No Idea What To Do Or Where To Go Tonight

I had three things I could do tonight:

• I could stay home, watch sports and Saturday Night Live, and do chores, namely go through my stuff.  But the host for SNL is a comedian who slurs Asians, and by principle, I cannot and will not watch that shit.  In fact, I want to be out of the house when the show is on.
• I could go to the Cold War Kids concert at First Avenue.  But I went downtown to watch EPL this morning, and it seems like a waste to go to the same place both in the morning and then the evening.  Plus, the cost of a ticket is a little more expensive because the show is sold out, something I didn't expect would happen.  Beyond that, it's not an inexpensive ticket, and I still should not  be spending money willy-nilly, especially now that my boss is cock-blocking me from working overtime.  I just checked my checking account and, uh, yikes.
• I could go to the Girls' State High School Hockey Championships at the Xcel Energy Center.  But I am seeing a concert of two choral groups, Cantus and The Canadian Brass, at the Ordway tomorrow/Sunday afternoon, and I'm not really feeling going to St. Paul on back-to-back days.  Also I'll need to find parking in St. Paul, and I loathe paying for parking.  Finally, and I don't know if people know this, but the government agency that runs high school sports here in the state, The Minnesota State High School League, are a bunch of assholes.  I had a run-in with them when I was a part of The Media covering a Boys' State High School Hockey Tournament, other media members have had their credentials rejected for bogus and even no reason, and over the summer the association initially prevented three students from participating in a section track and field meet because their coach mistakenly left off their names off an entrance sheet.  That really pisses me off.  These motherfuckers at the MHSHL actually believe their shit don't stink.  And so, by principle, I don't want to validate them by paying a ticket for an event they run.  (There's another complication: One of my stripper girlfriends, *****a, works as a server in downtown St. Paul.  I want to eat at the place she works at, but there is Cossetta, another place I haven't been to in a while which I love.  Which place to go to?  And frankly, this dilemma would be solved if I did go to St. Paul both today and tomorrow.)

In the end, I have decided to ... go to the Cold War Kids concert.  I think, deep down, I will not do anything that benefits anyone I don't like.  (By the way, it'll be too tempting of me to turn on the television and watch SNL if I'm rooting around at home.)  So I will spend some money, have my hearing blown out, and go downtown twice in one day -- although, if I can rationalize this, it's two different parts of downtown, and I will not be crossing paths when I go back tonight.  And then tomorrow, after the concert, I guess I'll go to both Cossetta and the place where my stripper girlfriend works at.  Because hey, what's money and getting fat, right?

Expenses Without Receipt

Starting from Saturday, January 6, 2024:

• Well, I don't have an EWR until New Year's Eve.  That's when I went to Casey's and got lottery tickets because the Powerball jackpot swelled up again.  I also got cranberry juice in case I wanted to make myself a cosmopolitan, and since they were selling two of the Casey's-branded bottles of juice for some deal, I went and got a bottle of apple juice, too.  Total: $39.50.
• Back to, I think, Wednesday, December 27, which I think was the only time our office lottery pool went in on this jackpot.  My supervisor bought tickets the day before, and I wanted to pay her back on this day, which just so happens to be the day of the jackpot for which we bought tickets.  With that being said, I could totally have the wrong date, and it's possible I threw in for another draw.  But I think it was only one, and therefore I paid in only: $4.
• On Christmas Eve I went to Merlins Rest, which I still believe is the only place open late on Christmas Eve in the Twin Cities.  Had a good time by myself sipping whiskeys and being content with making it to another Christmas.  A jazz band usually plays on Christmas Eve, and since it was a Sunday and Merlins Rest closes at midnight on Sundays, I was able to catch the last part of their show when I usually arrive too late.  I was able to tip them: $4.
• On Saturday the 23rd I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Version).  There was no snow on the ground and temperatures were much higher than average, so I took advantage of driving all the way down there at a time of the year I usually don't do that to see my ATF, ******a.  Dude at the turnstile waved me without a cover even though I got there just a tick past 5.  Couldn't get a goddamn drink until ******a flagged one down before we started our table dances about an hour later.  I think the waitress is racist.  Anyway, along with tips for the strippers and the staff, drinks for ******a and I and the 18 dances I got from her, I spent a total of: $207.
• Back to Saturday the 9th, where ****e* came over and cleaned house.  She spent, oh, six or seven hours when before she would take up to twelve.  Either she's getting faster or there wasn't a whole lot that needed to be cleaned here.  But she gave me a break on her rate, Buddha bless her.  She remains very, very good and what she does.  Total: $200.
• Finally, back on Monday, December 4, *****y came over and jerked me off for the first time ever.  Well, I had to jerk myself off to completion because I may have ED or some shit.  I was not great.  She was.  She's fantastic.  And I'm still in awe that one of the hottest women who danced at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition, RIP) would deign to even touch my dick.  And only for a reasonable price of: $150.

I don't think I'm missing anything.  Good through January 6, 2024.

Analyzing The 2022 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

First of all, I was not aware that I have been analyzing a year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue the following year.  Seems kind of late, but I have been doing that since I analyzed the '16 edition in 2017.  Then again, I have managed to do the review, at the latest, some time in the summer of the following year, and for 2022's, well, I have about two weeks left.  But, to be frank, even though I obviously bought this issue in 2022, and I think I opened up the box it came in at some point, I don't think I even leafed through the pages until, I think, Saturday.  Hey, I've been busy!

Maybe my procrastination in cracking open the magazine, let alone reviewing it her on WAF, stems from its progressiveness towards inclusion in its photo shoots.  I consider myself to be a progressive guy, but seeing more big-boned women in the issue over the years has been a massive turn-off (which probably means that I'm not that progressive of a guy).  The, uh, change in the SI Swimsuit Issue mirrors the downfall of the actual magazine itself, from being a treasure trove of soon-to-be-classic pieces of deep and insightful longform journalism into employing Artificial Intelligence to write up articles and to come up with images of "writers" who authored those articles.  In different ways both the weekly and the annual issues have become desiccated husks of what they proudly once were.  Honestly, I think I am buying the issue every year out of habit.

But then comes something as daring as fuck as Kelly Crump exposing her left breast with no nipple and a mastectomy scar on page 137, and like I said, I beat off to it just fine.  There are scant ways these days for Sports Illustrated to push the envelope, and while Crump's survivor story fits into the inclusion bent of the magazine, it happily serves a double purpose of being exceedingly kinky.

I should be grateful, but (and I have to admit I haven't done a real deep dive into the mag), I think this is another year where there aren't a whole lot of banger pics in it.  The more pages devoted to celebrities, the less I like it.  I mean, Ciara looks great, but that doesn't mean I want to see Mrs. Russell Wilson in beachwear (although I will recognize the getup she's wearing on p. 57, where she's wearing a denim two-piece ... and that's top as well as bottom).  And I don't need to see Elon Musk's mom in this issue because she birthed a bigot.  Finally, I bought the edition with Kim Kardashian on the cover; why there isn't a shot of her with her ass hanging out, I don't know.

I'm glad there are still veterans looking good and getting it done -- Kate Bock (who I think has been "forced to retire" because the edition gave her a retrospective celebrating ten years modeling for the Swimsuit Issue), Camille Kostek, and Hailey Clauson (welcome back, Hailey!).  And there are thin, model-looking models that are being introduced into the pages -- Katie Austin (fellow alum), Olivia Ponton (she's bisexual!), Christen Harper, Georgina Burke, Cindy Kimberly.  If they continue feeding us red-blooded heterosexual males hot-looking women, maybe this isn't a lost cause after all.

When it comes to particular photographs, I am reduced to seeing which models do show off their asses -- Tanaye White does it with a Cheshire Cat grin on page 122, Kimberly displays her sensual one on p. 130, and WNBA player DiDi Richards flashes ass (with kiss tattoo) on page 98.  There are some other beautiful photos, to be fair -- Natalia Mariduena looks borderline regal sitting in water on page 48; Josephine Skriver is lounging on bales of hay and twirling her hair while sporting a yellow two-piece bikini on p. 74; Lorena Duran is wearing a shirt collar thing that looks as though she's flashing her green bikini top on p. 78; and Brooks Nader looks spectacular with the sun making her hair glow on page 84.  You know, the more I look through this, the more I am warming to this (well, last) year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

Unfortunately, I have bought and have had the good sense to at least speed-read (or -see) the 2023 issue.  Kelly Crump appeared in the 2022 SI swimsuit edition's "Swim Search" because she was trying to appear as a "Rookie" in the 2023 edition.  She doesn't show up.  No more nipple-less boob shots to jerk off to, I'm afraid.

Yeah, What I Said Totally Sounds Racist

So I was sitting next to this Latino guy for the stupid-crazy MNUFC Leagues Cup Eighthfinal.  As the Loons blew a 2-0 lead (again), I was, of course, dreading the worst.  (They didn't choke; they actually won in Penalty Kicks.)  So I was talking to this guy about the Match, and then the team, and then Minnesota teams.

The Loons were playing Toluca, an historically-important side from Liga MX, the Mexican professional top-flight soccer league.  I don't know this for sure, but when an All-Star team of Liga MX players came up to Allianz Field last Year for the Major League Soccer All-Star Game, I was told by my season-ticket representative that there was a huge influx of Liga MX fans coming here from out of the area, which I assume is the metro area, if not the state of Minnesota.  So, not quite knowing if he is a local, I blurt out, while talking about the sorry knack our teams have of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory: "But ... are you from here?"

And I knew that sounded racist even before he said, "I'm from Woodbury."

Maybe he didn't notice.  Maybe he took it as I intended it, a question as to whether he drove into the Twin Cities, supposedly like other fans who are not United FC fans, to watch.  I don't think he got pissed with me.  But God, am I slapping myself in the head in my mind.  This bad week of self-sabotage continues.

Smart People Can Be Real, Real Dumb

I endeavor to participate in more of this club's events.  This particular sub-group goes out for dinner once a month, and I'm down.  I went to a local Mexican restaurant chain, and it was fantastic.  Well, I got full really quick because I ate my fill of their free chips and salsa, and I kind of regret doing that because I felt full ever since I made myself two cocktails Thursday night.

The company was ... good.  I don't know them well, but we were united in our objective smartness.  But once again I am reminded that just because we're smart doesn't mean we're, like, smart in other areas, if you know what I mean.  If you don't, let's just say that the guy sitting across from me, a very mild-mannered, conservatively-dressed man who was very nice to me, kept spouting Republican talking points about how there should be no minimum wage, there should be fewer regulations when it comes to creating housing (he was joined in agreement by the guy sitting beside me, another person who, when not talking about these issues, was also really nice), and the perils of socialism.  While MAGAts in polos, khakis and masks are terrifying, it's the quiet ones, the men and women who look so normal they will blend into the scenery, that probably hold the most insidious opinions on politics and life.

This club holds a massive worldwide convention every year.  In one convention (probably one just before the pandemic), organizers apologized to attendees after some made allegations of sexual harassment and unwanted touching.  There was a Facebook group with club members who solely told racist, sexist and anti-Semitic jokes; the global board knew about this group but did nothing about them because ... uh, they believed in free speech or something.  That group finally got shut down after some members made a lot more noise about it.  Finally, I remember going out for beers one night with another sub-group, and one of the people there consistently wanted to tell jokes that always included oral sex.  Consistently.

We might be book smart.  We could be intense in our passions, and very probing with our curiosities.  That doesn't mean, at all, that we put the knowledge we have gathered to good use, or draw reasonable conclusions from what we learn.  And it sure as hell doesn't mean we won't say or do stupid things, or that we'll even behave like grown-ups.  I keep falling into the trap that because we are smart when it comes to one thing, we know what to do -- we are "smart" -- when it comes to all things.  You can't be further from the truth, and last night's dinner is a prime reminder of that.

Three Thoughts

1) It's about that time of the month where I have to pay my credit card bills, and once again I'm carrying over.  Goddamn, I don't know how I rack up so many charges.  No, that's bullshit; I know how I am -- eating out and porn.  I continue to scroll through all the charges I make and I hate myself afterwards.  It's just gotten worse over the past few months, and I don't know if the holidays are an exacerbating factor.  I just think I'm spending more money.

And that's why, hate to say it, I kind of think my parents coming home will help.  They'll make food for me, and they'll insist I stay home.  Those two tactics will help in keeping my money in my wallet.  Unfortunately, does this mean I'll burn through money ... once they're gone?

2) I'm going to be oblique about this.  All's I'm saying is that there are consequences to taking the high road.  Sometimes you have to get down and dirty.  And sometimes there is collateral damage when you're ridiculing someone who deserves it.  Getting all holier-than-thou is letting your real enemies off the hook.  Eyes on the bigger prize, people.

3) This relates to 1) -- namely, even despite all the money I'm throwing away, I am so going to a secret bar after work tonight.  It's not as if it's been a bad week at work, but it's been a long one.  Really, I've been planning and thinking about going after work tonight for about a week.  It's my safe place, and it makes me happy.  And besides, I probably won't be able to go to another secret bar for a few weeks; next Friday I have dinner with this social club, and the following Friday I'll be celebrating Happy Hour with a friend through my alumni club.  So damn my account, I guess.  

I keep hanging out with my friend, but every single time we meet, he says something racist.  And we met for dinner last/Thursday night, and the only thing I truly remember about it was the racist shit he said.  Why does he continue to do this, especially when he knows I don't like it, and have told him as such (he might say that I haven't explicitly said, "Don't say that, that's racist," like I have to spell it out for his insincere ass)?

We had a great time.  We usually do.  But then he does this, and I am at home right now, and I am pissed at him because of it.

Maybe I should go back to seeing him only once a year.

Yeah, That Is Racist

Before I left work -- and I should blog post about that next -- I left a note for my co-worker.  One of my duties in The Fourth Department is making sure every form that passes by both our departments is accounted for.  Since I stayed later than anyone back there, I was able to see if anything was missed with any form we had to take care of today.

There was.  Three forms weren't noted in this ... uh, system, let's call it that.  It wasn't my place to do it for them, and besides, I was staying so long, I didn't want to do it for them.  So I left a note for this guy saying, and I'm paraphrasing, "You didn't note these.  Mind doing them?"

I spent the rest of my evening downtown drinking.  (It was a bad day; I'll talk about it later.)  On my way home, I thought about the note I left.  Turns out, I'm not sure he was the one I should have directed the note to.  Now, there are two people in this department who could/should have done this, and one of them is off through Independence Weekend.  It wouldn't make sense to leave a note for her.  But honestly, I don't think I addressed this note to him, and implied he didn't do it, because of that.  I don't have any good reason to give him the note ... except, well, what I did was racist.

So, because I don't want to piss him off -- and I don't -- what I am going to do is wait until the Second Shift person leaves, drive back to work, and exchange notes.  I'm going to say something that, hopefully, will be perceived as less accusatory.  I think I'll find the right words.  But even if I don't, switching messages is something I feel I have to do.