#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). This is the only team to go undefeated for the week, a 2-0 sweep of Harvard where they outscored the Best College In The World (Which Rejected Me) by a combined score of 8-3. At least they can beat up on the pointy-heads; a much tougher tasks starts tonight when they host North Dakota for a pair. They are playing WCHA teams from here to the, ahem, NCAA Tournament. By the way, earlier this week th College Hockey News came out with their All-Decade team, and three Gopher alums made it: Jordan Leopold, Ryan Potulny and Thomas Vanek. Wish they were back on the squad this year.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!). I put them below their Y-chromosome counterparts because, even though it's supposed to be an exhibition, and I'd be a lot more worried if they beat them, Team USA handily beat the Gophs Tuesday 8-5. Natalie Darwitz, Team USA Captain and former Gopher great (and Assistant Coach) had a power play goal, and Kelli Blankenship tallied a hat trick for the Gophs. It was tied at 4 aftet two before the big girls blew it open in the third period.
In games that do count, they destroyed Ohio St. at Ridder twice by a combined scored of 11-2. Of the 26 available assists, F Sarah Erickson had seven of them, and so it stands to reason that she was named WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week. This weekend takes them up to Bemidji for a pair against Bemidji St. Should be no trouble.
#-3: Wild (Last Week: -5). The team remains on the outskirts of the Western Conference Playoffs, but they are looking good. A tight 1-0 loss at St. Louis (courtesy of Minnesotan T.J. Oshie -- how could you?!) prevented the team from going 4-0 for the week, which would have been something. Guy Latendresse continues to be a revelation, and Mikko Koivu continues to kick ass. And congratulations to Niklas Backstrom for becoming the franchise's all-time leader in wins by a goalie in Wednesday's 5-2 victory over Vancouver at the X. They have three this week: at the Bastard Winnipeg Jets, at The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and home to Detroit.
#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2). Win at home, lose on the road. They had a huge chance to steal a Big Ten game at Illinois, but with nine seconds to go the Illini got a three-point play to take a two-point lead, and on the last possession, Brittany McCoy missed a three-ball and Kiara Buford fumbled the rebound. Speaking of rebounds, they did so Thursday but destroying Purdue by 27. But oh, they could've used that win at Illinois. One game this week: at Northwestern MLKJ Eve.
#-5: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3). Win at home, lose on the road -- pretty soon we'll need to check if the basketball teams are actually the same team. They held serve at defeated Ohio St. at the Barn by 11; I caught part of the big second half where Blake Hoffarber was just dropping bombs on the Buckeyes. They then went to Michigan St. and, even though they were playing the seventh-ranked team in the country, they made a game of it, only to lose by 7. Dan Barriero of KFAN said the team had chances down the stretch, but they couldn't pull through because of one huge weakness that has plagued the squad all season: An awful facsimilie of a half-court offense. I'd also add that Lawrence Westbrook has to control his emotions more. The men's team also plays only one game this week -- and by goodness, it's also on Sunday on the road (Indiana)! These guys are just putting on ponytails and posing as the women's team, I swear!
#-6: Wrestling (Last Week: -4). The National Duals showed precisely where this team is at right now: Close to the top, but not at the top, where I expect them to be. In this fast-forward version of March Madness, the sixth-ranked Gophers routed #17 Missouri Saturday morning, then eviscerated Central Michigan, which was ranked fifth at the time, 25-9 Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately they slid in Sunday's Final Four, getting their asses kicked in by overall #1 Iowa in the morning, then repeating their 12-point output that afternoon in losing to third-ranked Ohio St. As a result they were moved up a spot in the NWCA Top 25 to fifth. They are off for the week.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -6). Win at home, lose on the road -- just realized that was a theme for pro ball this week as well. Sadly for the Woofie Dogs, they play a lot more games each week, and since they were on the road three out of their four games, they lose three out of their four games. Their most competitive loss was that three-overtime epic at Houston, where they lost only by 7. (The other losses were by 14 and 11 points.) Corey Brewer, whom I now believe still has a shot at having a long career in the Association, threw up a prayer just behind the half-court line at the buzzer to send the game into the first OT. Also, Wayne Ellington had his best game of his one-year pro career, pouring in 17 on 7-of-12 shooting, including three threes. Also, it's good to see them beat (if only by 7) an Indiana team just as rudderless as the Wolves are. Three games on tap for the week: at the Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies Friday, their annual MLKJ afternoon game hosting Philadelphia, and vs. the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Wednesday night.
#-8: Swarm (Re-Entry!). They began their season with a 12-7 (geez, the number "7" pops up a lot in this week's survey) loss at Calgary Sunday. That's all I know about last week's game. They drafted a man named Zack Greer, who is the NCAA's all-time leading goal-scorer and point-scorer for both Duke (before that pesky rape controversy) and Bryant. The Swarm, which picked him third overall, is trying something innvoative to get the team some more publicity, and potentially get their new Chosen One some money: They arranged a deal with Greer that gives him a cut of the tickets sold in a section dedicated to him (called Section 88, after his number). Nice plan, I just have two concerns: One, of course, is he has to be able to deliver. If he ain't the shit, it don't matter if you call it Section 69 and turn it into a swinger's section, no one's going to buy them. Two, if he's singled out for a profit-sharing deal with the team, won't that make the other players, none of whom are making even a livable wage playing in the NLL, jealous?
Their week-long home-and-home concludes tonight, when they play those Roughnecks again in the season home-opener. As soon as I'm done with this survey, I'm headed out to St. Paul to hopefully procure a ticket. God, I hope I don't have to pay more than ten bucks to get in tonight. ...
#-9: Vikings (Last Week: -1). They didn't play a game this week, but I still have to put them in the survey because I fear the worst. I hate that they draw the Dallas Cowboys at the Dome this Sunday. (To be fair, though, I would say the same exact thing if they had to face Arizona or even Green Bay. What I'm saying is, I just don't like that the Vikings have to play any playoff games because they can lose!!!) That pass rush looked fearsome, and Tony Romo-to-Miles Austin could be something that burns the Vikes' secondary all fuckin' day. Can Bryant McKinnie and Phil Loadholt stand up to the edge rushing? Can Jared Allen and Ray Edwards get to Romo at all? Will the defense be peppered by Jason Witten running down the middle of the field? And can Brett Favre pull something out of his ass?
There is a chance that the Cowboys are relaxing after winning their first playoff game in franchise history since '96. And even though Romo has looked good, a playoff game on the road (in the very loud Dome, in fact) could turn him into the indecisive little bitch we know from postseasons yore. And I think the Vikings need to run on this team; if Adrian Peterson can roll on Big D, it'll alleviate the pass rush and control the clock. But I'm a Vikings fan, so I'm predisposed to expect the worst. Therefore, I say the Vikes get upset Sunday, sad to say. And they'll be here again next week, with a #-Infinity.
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