I thought I felt something as soon as I tried to take a shit Tuesday morning. The fact that I was so determined to take a shit that I was willing to be late getting out of the house should have told me something was wrong. If not that, the fact that I barely shit at all and I still felt like I had to take a shit should have told me something was wrong.
Nevertheless I soldiered onto work. Only when I got to my workspace did I feel the full brunt of the battered state of my body: The inflammation in all my joints and, later, the feeling that something liquid got injected into my bladder. I was in the middle of sorting through a packet when I had this "uh-oh" feeling, like I was about to shit my pants. I remember this feeling all too well; in 7th grade I actually did shit my pants in the middle of class. To this day the people in that class must remember me acting all weird as I sheepishly left with, I think, my hands covering my ass.
I'm much more able to control my bladder these days, however, so I calmly but briskly walked to the bathroom, entered the stall, hurriedly undid my pants and plop my butt down just in time for me to ... well, strain to get the solid, dry plops of poop out of my rectum. But that feeling of injection meant that something liquid was probably hiding behind that, and sure enough, after five or ten minutes of waiting, I was shitting water. Again and again. Again and again and again. I had so much in me that I was pulling my pants up only to have to sit down and shit water all over again.
It felt good -- for a while. But I don't remember the last time I had so many attacks of diarrhea like I did Tuesday. I don't know if anyone was paying any particular attention to me taking so many breaks, but I had to use the bathroom a total of eight times Tuesday. That was eight instances where I felt and even heard my colon squirt like someone was sipping through a straw (sorry about the gross comparison, I can't think of a better one), and I had to stop everything to just take a liquid shit for at least ten minutes. The rest of the time my joints were aching so badly that one my time my boss noticed, and I walked slowly because walking any faster would just hurt too much.
It got so bad that for a while I really thought I needed to go home. I have dealt with the sniffles and even some mild cases of diarrhea before, but I remember nothing like this. However I'm stubborn, and I sure need the money, so I decided to move up my lunch time to 11 and try and sleep the pain away. Oh yeah; not only was I shitting water and aching everywhere, I was tired as hell. And even though I think I passed out for a bit in the car I walked back into work with chills for the rest of the day.
Fortunately the afternoon was a bit better and I was able to tough it out. And thank Buddha for the workplace; everyone left me alone and didn't give me any shit about acting sick or going to the bathroom so often or not working as fast as I would have if I were well. God I will miss this place once I'm fired.
This was the worst day for me to get this attack of what I believe to be the flu because afterward I had to drive southward for this research study. I was able to get through that, however (I had to shit twice, each for a long time), then even dink around the Mall of America to wait out the evening commute (if I got stuck there in the state I was in, I would have been fucked; a couple of times I almost shit my pants, and getting stuck in traffic that possibly would have turned into a definitely) before coming home. And when I did I was able to take a Percocet, change into my sleepwear, crawl into bed and try to sweat out this bug over 11 hours. Which I did; I felt so much better Wednesday. In fact, I haven't been able to take a dump since, and right now, that's a good thing.
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So, what happened? Probably got the flu. I got a flu shot; got it from my place of work, in fact. But after work Monday I stopped by My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division). And I suspect that I got the bacteria while motorboating the tits of one of the dancers there. That bacteria was probably left on her chest by a previous paying customer, some idiot guy who thinks Obama's a Kenyan Muslim and therefore believes flu shots give you the flu, and therefore gives people who got flu shots the flu.
My appetite's still a little suppressed, but otherwise I feel OK.
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