My favorite pair of porno pants, the cotton drawstring pants with the snap-button fly I wear to stripclubs and house parties so I can prance around with my fly open so my penis can "accidentally" come out, is permanently broken. A lot of wear and tear caused it to rip right around the crotch area -- not too bad, but it was too small for me to poke my little man through. Then ****a writhed around on top of it during one of the latest parties I attended, causing the rip to become a huge, almost-foot-long gash up and down my inside right thigh. I had to limp my way out, grasping both sides of the tear all the way to my car for fear someone seeing my deal.
Wednesday after work I drove to the shopping mall closest to home to see the tailor. They've patched up tears and added on pockets to a bunch of my old clothes. But they couldn't fix this one; too big and not up against a seam. Throw it away and buy a new pair, he said. Better said than done, dude.
I had two of them. This one I'm talking about, a perfect shade of green, I bought from the Gap, which don't make these kinds of pants anymore, goddammit. I think I bought because them because they appeared so silky to wear. My dick-showing capabilities I was not aware of when I had the urge to prance around with my wang out at a stripclub, I think, and those were the perfect pants to unbutton and orient my penis under for maximum jack-in-the-box surprise when the stripper grinds on me just so. I bought a back-up pair -- brown, not as silky to the touch, but had that snap-button fly all the same -- from Banana Republic, I think. This time I was just browsing, had in mind me and my dick hanging out at a dark and dingy strip club, and when I came across a pair of pants with the perfect combination of fly and material, I bought it for the still-outrageous price of, I'm guessing, $45. That was the first to tear as a result of stripper grindage, general use and probably the steady erosion due to constant contact with my semen. I noticed that it was ripped apart at Dollie's Playhouse a couple years ago. I gave them to ***e* to sew up, and she lost it.
But now I don't have any, and since neither Gap nor Banana Republic make these God-given pants, I thought about the next best thing: karate/kung fu pants. They have folded flies where you can just reach and yank it out, don't you? I took taekwondo lessons a long time ago, and I thought that's how it worked. I am so desperate to find such a pants that I looked up karate clothes stores online and, after work Thursday, drove about an hour into St. Paul to go to a shop that might have what I was looking for. The only pants that fit my criteria didn't fit me; it was way too big and tall for me. Those pants that did fit didn't have an open fly; I would have to take down those pants to expose myself.
It was weird going to the karate uniform store. It's a small shop and there is one guy there. He was really helpful, but I was afraid he would see me reach for the crotches of all these pants and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I wanted him to leave me alone, but the only way I could do that was to try on a pair of pants which didn't fit the criteria. He then asked what I was looking for. Well, I certainly couldn't say, "A snap-button fly so I can take out my penis and show it strippers." So I said instead, um, "A pocket." The one that was several sizes too big for me was the only one that had a pocket; the rest don't. In fact, the guy said that kung fu and karate pants usually don't come with pockets. D'oh! Should have come up with a better lie. Oh well, he shook my hand after I told him I wasn't satisfied. At least I saved myself 35 bucks.
So now I'm in a quandary. I have not one but two parties to go to this weekend -- how am I going to whip it out? I don't have time to do any more shopping around, so I have decided that I am going to wear pajama bottoms to these places. They are thin and obviously look like pjs, but they have pockets to put my wallet and keys in and, more importantly, they have open flies which make dick-taking out opportunities really easy. It's the best I can do until I can locate some real porno pants.
Till then, I lament the best pair of pants I've ever loved.
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