So early on this season, as this project began, I was tipped off of this job that was opening up soon. It was with a department I work with; in fact, I would be replacing someone I have spoken to many times. The employees that told me about this position really thought I would be good for this job, and they like me, and I like them, so I was ... well, open to taking the job.
Applying, of course, is another thing. I decided to let it marinate in my head. After all, although the commute is great, the workload seems not too challenging and I am a known commodity, this isn't in my field. As much as I bitch about not being able to find a job in sports, I'm afraid that taking a full-time job means that dream has died for good. So I waited to see if inspiration or fate strikes me. It's what I usually do, even thought other people may call it procrastination.
Since then, I totally got busy, so busy that I didn't have the time nor the energy to fill it out. Also, this Asshole yelled at me, work became nothing I expected, my boss turned into a nasty asshole as well, The Two temps turned out to have personalities that don't exactly mesh with mine, I got so stressed out I couldn't sleep well at night, and I generally began to question why and if I should work there at all.
And then, just like that, I filled out the application Sunday night. Most of the stress went away since my boss started firing people, and I insist that that should not have logically led to a reduction in my ennui even though my heart's no longer beating out of my chest, and that began after he started letting the other temps go. Anyway, my hate towards this project, and this job, and this company, vanished completely as soon as I thought about going for this job again, which was Wednesday, which is when my Thanksgiving vacation began and I had several days to at least think about it. I guess I would liken it to giving birth; it's absolute hell while you're going through it, but once you get done with it (and in particular you see your child), you forget all the pain and believe you can deal with the whole ordeal once again.
So I filled it out while eating at Buffalo Wild Wings and watching sports Sunday night with the intention of turning it Monday afternoon. Got wrapped up with this bullshit spreadsheet problem and I thought about just leaving without dropping it off, but I thought that since I filled it out, even to the point where I actually looked for such information as starting employment dates and ending hourly wages, I might as well turn it in as soon as I could.
I gave it to the person I was supposed to. She looked at it and went, "Oh, shoot! We just filled that position."
Well, fuck.
I knew I shouldn't have procrastinated. But you know what? I got busy -- busy with work. At this company. Can anybody blame me for not getting around to it till now? You know, it's just my luck that I was offered something, I can't get around to it for reasons totally understandable, and then once I do get around to taking advantage of this offer, it's taken from me.
I was putting the application away, probably to use to wipe my ass once I got home to take a shit. This feeling came over me -- of rejection, of anger, of getting fucked over. This was handed to me on a silver platter, and just because I had other duties with this same company I can't even interview anymore. This is totally unfair. Now I really have to be a temp again. Now I really have to look for work again, when I was totally OK with working here full-time.
Yeah, I guess I'm being hypocritical when I bitch about not getting a job I was wishy-washy over, and one that I badmouthed earlier in this blog post. But you know what? All that stuff about giving up on my dreams and worrying that my dream job in sports is dead? Yeah, fuck that. I lost this job because of circumstances beyond my control. I want what I don't have, OK? That's the way I roll. And that's why, right now, I am pissed off. All these guys, encouraging me to go out for this job ... they must be so disappointed in me.
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Now that I lost out on my Dream Job, I wonder who got it. Were they interviewing people behind my back?
You know what really worries me? I think that one of The Two got the job. One of those fucking two interviewed under my nose, while I was trying to meet deadlines, answer questions, hunt down envelopes and try to keep this company moving along. Hell, I was cleaning up their messes and they were moving in on and taking my job from me! And The Asshole probably told them about it, too. He sits by them. Probably he told them, "Hey, there's this job open, and I know that Unforgivable Wetness probably knows about the job too, so you better apply and interview before he does!" Mean, nasty, two-faced rat fink.
So I'm out of a job after this, and I don't know what the fuck to do. Guess it's back on the dole.
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