The Things That Ail Me

1. My feet have been killing me for some time now.  It started acting up while sitting down at the flu biller place, and ratcheting up my exercise has not made it go away.  I went to the podiatrist who said that the insoles I have now are so old that there is no support; that's why I went to the foot molder the morning of the day I lost my hat and gloves.  Both feet are killing me now, though it's my left foot (particularly the ball) more than my right.  It used to be almost exclusively my left foot, but now both hurt.
2. This is the one that really surprises me, and scares me: All of a sudden my back hurts.  It usually happens after I stand up (though not always), but I just have this huge, sharp pain in my lower back.  I have no idea what triggered it.  I have been sat for long hours and this pain has never crept up on me before.  This is as big as sign as any that I'm getting friggin' old.
3. This is kind of embarrassing to admit even though it has been bothering me for some time.  Remember when I had that anal fistula?  Well, ever since it was fixed in the summer, it's felt like whenever I've farted, my farts go only through the top part of my asshole, you know?  OK, your asshole is basically a round hole (I don't know for sure; I've never seen my own asshole, but anal pics seem to indicate that is a typical human's basic shape), and it feels like it's only coming through the top half (the part of the anus closer to the head than to the feet; man, I know there's a scientific term for orienting parts of the body, like dorsal, but I don't know it.  OK, it's the dorsal part of the asshole, what the hell).  I'm not totally worried this is going to affect my health; I shit just fine, if you're asking (and you're probably not).  But it's weird, you know?