Lost it at Mall of America yesterday. I went to, in chronological order, and if I recall correctly (mental note: I'm retracing my steps): Hooters, Urban Outfitters, the Godiva next to UO, The College Shop, and Barnes & Noble. I guess I stopped along some benches on the way, and I may have missed some shops, too. But after I ate lunch at Hooters, where I know I had my hat and gloves, I lost it walking somewhere between 1 and 2:45. I got to my car, reflexively (and finally) checked to see if they were still down my jacket sleeves. When they weren't, I thought, "Oh shit!" and I frantically ran back in, retraced my steps, looked at the floor and asked every store I could to see if they found anything. They didn't, of course.
I just wanted to hang out and have some fun and not worry. The Hooters girl was flirting with me, which was really nice. And I have to admit that the mug of beer I drank there made me mentally loopy. But I usually check to see if I still have my hat and gloves, and I remember once yesterday afternoon at MOA I had a fleeting thought of, "You know, maybe I should check to see where my hat and gloves are," and I didn't because I didn't want to, you know? I didn't want to be enslaved by worrying where everything was all the time, like I usually am. And look at where it got me. I was in a drunken haze the whole time I was there, but feeling that both of my jacket sleeves were empty snapped me back into the focus I should have had yesterday afternoon. I only wake up and pay attention when I lose something. Story of my life.
I'm still thinking about where exactly I could have lost my hat and gloves, just so I could ask specific stores when I go back down there (and I will; I have to). Did I put my jacket on when I left Hooters, or did I lay it over my left hand? My left arm is still strained, and I remember picking records and books up at Urban Outfitters with one hand. Was it my jacket, or was it my hat and gloves, in which case I was wearing my jacket? Did I put it (my jacket or my hat and gloves) down while getting my free chocolate from Godiva? (This one I'm particularly ruminating on. I remember having another fleeting thought that I should keep the chocolate, which I was going to eat later, away from my body; otherwise it was going to melt while next to my body. So I think -- I think -- that if I was wearing my jacket, I took it off at some point to keep the piece from melting. Or did I have my jacket off the whole time? And if I did take it off, where?
Oh, who am I kidding, it can be fucking anywhere at this point.
Did somebody take them? That's my worst fear, and my most humiliating one, that somebody decided that they liked my hat and gloves and took what I so carelessly dropped. This brings up the time I let someone look at my 76ers hat at The Store and he took it from me, and Mother eventually gave up getting it back. Was so mad at her for that. Honestly, I still haven't forgiven her. Anyway, it's the trauma over that that comes back at me in a wave.
But there are probably more benign explanations as to their fate -- at least I hope. If I dropped them on the floor of the mall, someone might have picked them up and put them aside, like on top of a trashcan. Or, they could have just left them there, thinking that the person they belong to would realize they're missing and retrace his steps. Just as likely: They left them where they saw them, like I have countless times. You know, once you lose something, you think of people committing the simple act of going about their lives as a heartless, even cruel thing. I want my fucking hat and gloves back, goddamn it, can't you guys just help me?! But they have other things they need to concern themselves with. So it gets picked up, or swept aside, or left, never to be cared for ever again except for the one person they belong to, and he wouldn't know where to find them.
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I should have known the signs. Looking back on yesterday, I kind of think that karma was telling me I would lose them. Yesterday morning I was getting my feet molded for new plastic insoles, and the person helping me told me I should get new shoes because the ones I'm wearing were broken. So I thought I should take his advice and replace a piece of something I wear tomorrow. Little did I know I would be forced to do the same with something else. Also, at the Megamall I saw a pair of mall cops twice. One would run to them if you lost something and needed help finding it, right? Had a fleeting thought that it was weird I would run into them, even if they have stepped up their presence in the wake of that ISIS video threatening to bomb the mall.
Do I believe in signs? If bad things happen to me, yeah.
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I know I shouldn't get too bent out of shape over this. Of course I can buy a new hat and gloves. Shit, I still have an old pair of gloves, even though they have holes in them. And while working the Vikings game (probably the day those people were verbally abusive me) I was given a winter cap/beanie (and ironically enough, on it was the logo of Mall of America field, the corporate-sponsored name of the Metrodome). I can walk out tomorrow morning and be just as warm, even if the temperature tomorrow afternoon probably will be warm enough for me not to need a hat and gloves (that's another reason I didn't keep checking for them yesterday; I was thinking, "It's warm out, who cares?"). Irony upon irony.
But I want my hat and gloves back, you know? I bought the beanie from Surly, so it wasn't the most inexpensive thing in the world. And Father, even though he gives me too much damn clothing, got me those gloves. They were nice gloves, nice and warm. And they are mine!
I hate always been attached to the things that belong to me. I want them back, in my possession, so I can keep track of them at all times. And that is what makes this so humiliating. I allowed myself to be so fucking careless for one afternoon and thus betray a principle that I would look over the things I profess to care deeply about. If I care so goddamn much, why wasn't I more fucking careful, is what I'm saying.
And now my hat and gloves are probably gone. Now, I left a message with the Mall of America's lost and found department. And assuming that all the workers swept up the stores before closing last night I think I might call them again today. It's the least I could do for my hat and gloves. It's funny; after I left that voicemail at MOA I felt a sense of optimism, that yeah! I'm getting them back. And then I hate myself even more, because I can't believe that I would be so naïve to believing that would come true.
I have to prepare myself for the worst. I lost my hat and gloves, forever. I am so stupid. I am so ashamed of myself.
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