#-1: Lynx (Last Week: -1). I think it's fair to say that the Lynx are the surprise team in the Women's National Basketball Association so far in the "Wubble" in Florida. The squad got clobbered by an underachieving Los Angeles Sparks team Sunday, 97-81 with Sylvia Fowles out with a bad calf. But the team won their other three Games, including Friday's 87-80 victory over Indiana that was the only Game out of nine between Thursday and Sunday that a Twin Cities team won. (Check it, it'll make your fuckin' skin crawl. I mean, we were on such a high the previous week, and now Minnesota sports is shit!)
Minnesota currently sits at 6-2 ... but is only tied (with Las Vegas) for second place in the Western Conference because the West is so fucking competitive again. This week gets a bit quieter, with only two Games on tap. The more important one comes Thursday vs. the Aces. They also play Saturday against New York, the team with the worst record in the league.
#-2: Twins (Last Week: -2). Uh-oh. The Twinks were just cranking out the wins. But this team just went 2-5 this past screening week, including a four-Game losing streak, in which included a sweep at the hands of the fucking Kansas City Royals. As of Wednesday morning, they sit only a half-Game up on ... the Detroit Tigers (!!!) for the lead in the American League Central.
What the fuck happened? Well, Buxton's hurt and Sano's striking out again. Oh, and Josh Donaldson's on the Injured List with a balky right calf. But the bullpen, which had been buoying them to a hot start, has taken on water. Taylor Rogers, in particular, gave up the ninth-Inning, Game-winning Runs in a 6-5 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Thursday that precipitated their four-Game losing streak (which was the capper to The Worst Fucking Day In Minnesota Sports History), then coughed up a two-Run, tie-breaking Home Run in the Eighth Inning last/Tuesday night to give The Bastard Seattle Pilots a 6-4 win. Four-Game losing streaks and 2-5 weeks are bad enough in baseball, but in a 60-Game season, that's flirting with fucking disaster.
It'll be Groundhog Day this screening week for the Twins. One more Game in Milwaukee, then they come home -- four against the Royals and the start of a three-Game set versus the Brewers.
#-3: United FC (Last Week: 0). Hrrrmph. I would have been OK -- not happy, just OK -- if the Loons bowed out to Columbus in the Eighthfinals or to San Jose in the Quarterfinals. But after they routed the Earthquakes Saturday 4-1, I thought they should have at least gotten to the MLS Is Back Tournament Final, if not won it. That's because their Semifinal matchup was against Orlando City SC, and FiveThirtyEight had MNUFC favored to win that Match, largely because the Lions have an anemic Offense. They have only one guy, Nani. They stop Nani, they stop OCSC from scoring.
So what happened? They didn't stop Nani. Nani scored twice against United FC, including the Game-winner, and they were upset Thursday, 3-1. Yeah, they were sort of a hurting unit. Ike Opara opted to sit out the bubble in Florida, Romain Metanire's hamstring forced him to sit out the Semi, and Kevin Molina's hamstring prevented him from starting the Match, although he came in as a substitute. But they didn't really need much Defense to take out Orlando. Just get two guys to stop Nani, then run some Attacking Midfielders and Forwards onward and score. Seems like a winning plan to me. (By the way, Orlando summarily lost in the Final to Portland last/Tuesday night, 2-1, even though FiveThirtyEight had the Lions favored. Soccer -- not a chalky sport.)
Maybe the takeaway from this is Major League Soccer, for all its inveighing, still is a retirement home for once-great football legends from Europe and South America who want to turn back the clock and play like studs again. Beyond that, I don't know what to glean from this run besides disappointment they didn't win. This would leave a bad taste in my mouth if this is the last action from this side in 2020. It still could despite MLS saying they are going to try and cobble together a regular season and a postseason, and do so with Games being played in home pitches (although without fans, or with the maximum capacity of crowds allowed according to local law). Major League Soccer is copying Major League Baseball in attempting this, and right now, the jury's out on whether MLB is pulling this off right. If not, MLS is inviting the coronavirus to really fuck up their plans.
(One other thing, and this isn't germane to the team, but it is bothering me just the same. I don't give two shits about soccer academies, whereby franchises set up teams of adolescents and coach them in order to raise them into players on their senior team. MLS has mandated that their squads have age-based squads to play in tournaments. But the Loons recently disbanded their academy, and did so after, according to insiders, years of neglect. As hinky as that sounds, word leaked of a Zoom set up by MNUFC Chief Soccer Officer Manny Lagos. According to the disturbing details provided by United FC website E Pluribus Loonum, Lagos spent only 15 Minutes with families of kids in the academy and told them: There will be a "part-time" academy; there will be an announcement in about two Weeks; not to trust The Media [wanking motion]; he wasn't going to take questions from them because, and I quote, "I want to protect you guys." What in the fuck?!?! Again, I don't really give a shit, but this really creepy, controlling, Republican bullshit, and this reflects poorly on me, a season-ticket holder. Who does Lagos think he is? And why can't he set up a real academy, with real kids who can grow up to become real good players that might actually win United FC a fucking tournament or playoff Game, you think about that? Fucking Christ. ...)
#-Infinity: Wild (Last Week: -3). I said last week that I shouldn't glean much from the result of this Stanley Cup Qualifying series, in which they lost to Vancouver in four Games. Maybe not, but, well, when you blow not one, not two, but three goddamn leads in your Elimination Game and then give up the Game-winning, series-winning, season-ending Goal 11 motherfucking Seconds into Overtime -- well, I feel a bit salty, and I think I have a right to feel a bit salty.
I will go back to the general assessment of the club before The Pause: Rapidly aging with no good Centers and a dearth of young talent -- oh, and not much of a farm system, either. Some speculated that the Mild actually would match up well with the Canucks, who are young and not well-equipped to deal with a slugging, grind-it-out street fight Minnesota knows how to play. That definitely didn't happen, if losing three in a row is any indication.
So now, the questions:
- What happens with the Goaltenders? Devan Dubnyk suffered through a health situation with his wife that has lingered all season; he was affected by it noticeably, but yet people point out that his play has not been up to snuff the past few seasons. Alex Stalock eventually replaced Duby between the pipes but he seemed to falter throughout the Qualie. Does General Manager Bill Guerin bid farwell to both and bring in Kappo Kahkonen, AHL Goaltender Of The Year, even though most scouts say he's not an NHL netminder? Goalies are rarely drafted high, but one mock draft on The Athletic says Minnesota will select G Iaroslav Askarov.
- Does Zach Parise get traded barely more than halfway through his franchise-altering contract? He somehow was about to be traded to the New York Islanders before the money got just didn't work out. But his contract (as well as that of Ryan Suter) are massive millstones getting in the way of a true rebuild for the organization. (There are many other capped contracts on the squad, but that's because Chuck Fletcher put too much faith in role players and Paul Fenton is an abusive asshole.) You can free up a lot of cap space if Parise were to move on, even though that savings may have to be spent on the likes of Kevin Fiala and Kirill Kaprizov.
- Will a Defenseman be traded? Just about the only strength the Mild have, Blueliners represent the only assets Guerin can trade for something of value. The team is in dire need of a #1 Center, but they'll have to trade Matt Dumba or Jonas Brodin -- plus some other stuff -- in order to get one. A D-man might have to be traded anyway to keep under a salary cap that is expected to stay flat due to the devastation to the economy because of the pandemic. And don't forget the Seattle Kraken Expansion Draft; anyone signed for another year may very well be snatched up by them the following offseason.
The seven losers get filed in ninth through 15th in inverse order of winning percentage (the second through eighth slots were already filled with the seven teams so shitty they weren't even invited to the bubbles to play after The Pause). That sort-of helps the Mild. They came in with the fourth-worst winning percentage of the 24 clubs, but the three clubs that were worse -- Chicago, Montreal and The Bastard Winnipeg Jets -- all sprung upsets and advanced to the "real" Stanley Cup Playoffs, so they floated up to ninth. However, it seems like it's an eight-man Draft, so the franchise got unlucky again. Pffffffffffffft.
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