We're About To Make A Bigoted, Sexist Nincompoop Of A Snake Oil Salesman The President Of The United States

Gotta hand it to the racist opportunists with the Donald Trump campaign.  Pundits said he needed to pull an inside straight, and by God, he pulled an inside straight.

There is a deep undercurrent of stupidity, hate and evil in this country.  Hillary Clinton, a woman who was poised to make history but will now have her destiny taken out from under her for good, was done in by a toxic brew few could imagine coming together:

• Millennials, still idealists, thinking they can vote for third parties without any consequences;
• Suburban women who heard every perverted thing Trump said and was like, "Kewl!"  I'm going to start grabbing every one of their pussies because, hey, it seems like they like that shit!;
• People who heard every disgusting lie about Clinton so often that they thought it was the truth.  The Republican long game finally bears fruit tonight.

But really, this election (not just presidential but both houses of Congress, which tonight also flipped red -- my God, the fucking hatemongers are going to have the run of the country) turned into The Revenge Of The White Man.  They see their country getting less white, they see more women in positions of power, and they got all freaked out.  And so they hear this reality TV scam artist telling them everything they want to hear -- who knows if he's bullshitting or not?  Who cares? -- and they say, "Fuck yeah!  We'll be back in power now!!  Let's get them coloreds!!!"  The majority of Americans gave into their fear and their hate, and now they run the goddamn country.

So now they have the power to make demands, to pass laws ... to ask questions, all kinds of questions that shouldn't have to be asked in a free society.  And tomorrow, if I remember to, the first thing I'll do is dash out of my house to make sure no racist asshole spray-painted "Trump" on our garage door.

Oh, and by the way, we'll have a plagiarizer who worked illegally in the United States as First Lady.  Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

"Every nation gets the government it deserves." -Joseph de Maistre

"And if we want hell, then hell's what we'll have." -Jack Johnson, "Cookie Jar"

Why #imwithher

(If I may say, I've had a pretty shitty, uh, 18 hours.  Father accused me of not looking for another job -- I haven't, but that's because I'm happy with the job I have -- and then today I had a huge back-up on the way to work, thus losing all the advantage in time I thought I got even though I voted before going to work, and then this asshole didn't look back and hold the door open for me while getting into the building.  Just a weird vibe I'm feeling ... is it because of Election Day?)

Yes, I voted for Hillary Clinton.  I do so with some trepidation: I think she is too cozy with Wall Street, she is a hawk when it comes to defense and world affairs, and honestly, I'm still not really over that her husband fucked around with an intern while he was President.  (I have no issues with her standing by him, I just have sort of a problem that the soon-to-be First Husband used to fuck around with an intern while he was leading The Free World.  And by the way, I'm taking Clinton's weaknesses as my own after reading Charlie Pierce regularly on Esquire.com.  I really have no original ideas anymore.)

However, even though I know a lot of people who will vote for Clinton while holding their noses, I'm not at that point.  I am OK with voting for her.  In fact, I am more than OK with voting for her.  And I can affirmatively vote for Clinton for several reasons.  Like her or not, she is more than qualified for the office; remember that she has served as a Senator and as a Secretary of State.  She has worked in government -- effectively -- for more than three decades, especially helping children.  And from what I have heard, she is a policy wonk that gets shit done.  No, she isn't a great campaigner or speaker or politician, but once she gets into the White House, she doesn't really have to do any of that.  She actually, you know, governs.  And there is plenty of testimony, from Republicans as well as Democrats, that she knows what to do and how to do it.

Before I list all the obvious things that make her opponent uniquely unqualified, I want to say something about the philosophical arguments against voting for Clinton and why one could ever vote for Donald Trump.  First of all, a lot of people dismiss all the shit Trump has said because, according to them, "It's just words.  I'm less concerned about what he said than what she (or her husband) did."  Ignoring the obviously distorted accusations that form the basis of the "doings" they accuse the Clintons of, despite his distinct lack of civil service (which is a huge demerit for me), Trump has done things -- a lot of things that convince me that he has no business being in the White House unless he's taking a tour.  Ties and debt to Russia?  Multiple bankruptcies?  And, by the way, vague concepts about how to deal with the problems this country faces instead of actual plans?  And where the hell are your taxes, anyway?

However, let this damned campaign he's running prove that sometimes words do matter.  All the insults and threats and baiting that is the bedrock of his candidacy disqualifies him from the presidency.  I do not want a stupid, vapid, lying pig whose views (and I'm not sure if he truly believes them or not) are the voice of so many Americans leading this country.  He has been so hateful, and he has capitalized so well on that hate, that now I feel the need to use my vote to stomp out his campaign and with it the hopes and dreams of far too many goddamn people who share this country with me.  He truly leads an enemy of millions, and they'll need to be torn asunder lest we need to face them again in two or four years.  So yeah, words do matter.

(And by the way, I've heard that people like to vote for candidates they think "they can drink a beer with."  Uh, news flash: Candidates for president will never drink a beer with you.  Because they have more important shit they need to do.  So stop with this "everyman" crap, it's never going to happen.  Only Trump supporters think this way.)

I think I need to end this now.  Besides, if I keep going on with my thoughts, I don't think I'll stop.  I'll just say that if Trump becomes President, I have no doubt that he won't give a shit about doing the government's business.  He'll leave it all up to Mike Pence while he goes around trying to make money for himself.  That's how he'll give up, like, nuclear secrets to Russia in exchange for millions or millions in forgiven debt.  That's going to happen; he doesn't give a damn about running this country, he's only out for himself.  (How so many people don't see that bothers the hell out of me.)  Meanwhile, with Clinton in the White House, shit might actually get done.  Because she's serious about this job.  She's the only one who is.  And if she doesn't make Wall Street heel, or if she steps up drone-bombing campaigns in the Middle East, we'll have to make her.  Because that is what democracy is -- the people stepping up and telling the people in government what we want them to do.

So that's why I voted for Clinton, and you should, too.

You Can't Get Tired

I understand all of you are getting tired of the election.  I am too.  But after hearing Saturday Night Live's cold open this weekend, where Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon dropped character as Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, respectively, and said what everybody was saying aloud, I kind of want to push back.  With respect, but firmly.

I do not think I'm sounding all that paranoid when I say that Trump supporters, the true enemies of America, are lying in wait for us to falter because of fatigue.  Correct-minded people want to turn away from the darkness and toxicity that has been unleashed in this campaign, moreso than in any other.  But I have two things to say to that.  First, this shit is coming from only one side -- Republicans.  And second, the future of this country depends on how many people from our side vote vs. how many people from their side vote.  (It also depends a lot on how many states rig the election for Trump and Republicans, which I think is very real, but that's beyond the scope of what I want to talk about here.)  Being tired of all the noise and vitriol leads some to not vote at all, because they think Both Sides Do It (which is total bullshit) or they are so sick of it all that they don't want to have anything to do with the enterprise.

For those who feel the latter, and would vote for Clinton if not for all the crap that's being flung around, I have to tell you something: Republicans are counting on your lack of fight.  These goddamn Republicans are good, really good, frighteningly good, at being relentless in a war of attrition.  Mind you, they started all of this, and so they are quite good at it.  So while you turn the other cheek and try to be above it all, they're taking control of the country and slowly destroying our way of life.

That's been their modus operandi for a long time now.  Consider, for example, the Voting Rights Act.  Ever since it was shepherded through Congress and signed into law, there have been dark and powerful forces in our nation that wanted that act taken down.  So, lawyers who felt the same way vowed to do so -- as soon as their careers blossomed to the point they could do something about it.  Two of those people were named William Rehnquist and John Roberts.  And they were so good at what they did that the people they represented as lawyers, once they got elected into positions in power, in turn rewarded them with spots in the United State Supreme Court -- and, eventually in Rehnquist's case (I believe Roberts was nominated by W as Chief Justice and was not elevated), Chief Justice.  Rehnquist never got the case that he could have turned into the hammer that brought down the VRA, but Roberts did.  Despite no proof of voter fraud, states enacted voter suppression laws.  One, Texas, I swear signed such a law the very next day.  And now, the states of North Carolina, Ohio and Florida -- with their Republican-installed Secretaries of State -- have already begun fucking with people's rights.  Voter ID hasn't really worked, so they have shortened early voting hours, cut early voting places, and started other new-fangled cockamamie ideas such as "ballot harvesting" -- all in an effort to make sure minorities and the young (both prime Democratic voting blocs) can't vote.

Executing the Four Corners Offense is also in effect for them in Congress.  They basically have ground the affairs of the government to a halt the past six years, passing nothing of importance.  The Senate has prevented the installation of a ninth Supreme Court Justice.  And now some Republican Senators have vowed that if Clinton wins the White House, they won't hold a hearing on any nominee to the Supreme Court.  They'll keep it at eight as long as it damn well pleases them.  And if another member dies, well, that's two vacancies in the Supreme Court -- so what?  These Republicans are just going to sit there and pout and do nothing until they get their way.

And they will get their way if we don't outvote them.  So we need as many Democratic votes as possible, despite all the garbage and poison they have thrown onto the airwaves and the Internet.  They have done this shit for a long time, and they now have a chance to control all the levers of power.  And they're depending on Americans' fatigue and disgust in order to achieve that goal.  So although you're tired and can't stand this, keep going.  You can't get tired, because those assholes over there never will.

Fuck Unifying The Country

So, during our game tonight, we started to talk about politics.  Now you all know the old adage that the two things you never talk about during dinner are religion and politics.  I would think that watching our alma mater's football game would also be a place where both topics are verboten.  But seeing our team kick ass wasn't holding our attention, so one of us started talking about politics -- actually it may have begun with the Dakota Access Pipeline because a guy who started making a conversation with us works with Native American tribes -- and we talked about it for the second half of the game.

It got heated at times.  Quickly each of us knew where the others stood in the political spectrum.  But I think we left as friends, still.  I think.

The passionate discussion about the election brings up a sentiment I'm kind of seeing floating around the zeitgeist.  There have been comments I've noticed on social media that "regardless of how you vote" (and that is always a caveat everybody seems to put into their comments, so much so I want to do a wanking motion) we need to come together as a country.  As a corollary to that, a lot of people believe that this nation is divided between, for example, those who are voting for Hillary Clinton (that's me, and I'll blog post why either Monday or Tuesday) or Donald Trump.

I notice the division.  And believe me (to use a routine Trump bromide), I would rather not hate people who share different views than I.  But fuck unity.  And if I don't get my way, and if for some goddamn reason America decides to vote for Trump, I and other Clinton voters/sane people should raise holy hell about it.

More so now than ever, we need to take a stand against hate, bullying, bluster, laziness and incompetence.  (We and the media talk about the first three things about Trump while the latter two traits get overlooked when I totally believe they're just as important in disqualifying him as President, if not more so.)  But even in times when an asshole like Trump won't be a presidential nominee, we still need to take a stand.  Why?  If you feel strongly that that candidate is completely wrong for the office he or she is running to hold, you need to back that up with the deeper sentiment that it is morally unacceptable that the people you share this country with disagree with you.  I don't mean walking down the street with pitchforks, or picking fights with people with different ideologies than you.  But bitching, complaining, ridiculing the candidate as well as those people who support him or her?  Fuck yeah, that's fair game.

Let me put my feelings into more specific context.  The Republicans since the start of the millennium, and even back 40 years, have been nothing but racist nihilists hellbent on possessing the United States government for their own greedy and amoral urges.  The people who follow Trump are absolutely fucking nuts.  But many Republicans have been bonkers for a long while now.  They have run government and poisoned government institutions, and thus us, for their monetary, momentary gain.  The last time we had a Republican President, the Vice-President promptly stuck his hand up George W. Bush's ass and manipulated him into a senseless war with Iraq so (and I truly believe this) his company can make millions.  He is the worst President in my lifetime, and yet there are others who believe Ronald Reagan was much worse.

Regardless, both Bush 43 and Reagan share the same party affiliation, as do the majority of members of the House of Representatives, who have tried to repeal Obamacare more than 40 times even though they knew probably by the second repeal that it wasn't going to happen.  The majority of members in the Senate are also Republican, and all they're doing is something they're not doing: Holding a hearing and then an up-or-down vote on Merrick Garland, Barack Obama's choice to replace Antonin Scalia on the U.S. Supreme Court.  Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate Leader and no-necked turtle look-alike, said that they're screwing with Garland because, "The people should decide the next President, who will then be able to pick his or her choice."  This garbage even though many Presidents in the past have nominated judges to the Supreme Court in an election year.  McConnell's bullshit was just one final new rule made up by the white man for the black man to follow.  I truly believe that.

What I'm saying is that my opponent is evil.  Now, one should not give into evil, especially if the opponent is evil, because that means you two are, on a deep level, the same.  (This brings to mind Nietzche's quote that if you fight the monster pretty soon you become the monster, and that if you stare into the abyss long enough the abyss starts to stare back.)  But I care about this country, the direction it's headed and the perception the leaders we elect will give to the world in our name.  And if FiveThirtyEight is any indication, people are not only willing to tolerate this evil man, they wholeheartedly want this asshole.  Frankly, after all the shit that's come out about him, if you either ignore it or don't think it's a big deal or say that's the part you actually like about him, well, frankly, you are what's wrong with America.  And since I love America, I will do all I can to stop people from taking America away from me.  Therefore, people who vote for Donald Trump are, beyond stupid, and my enemy.  I don't believe in the country coming together to support our President anyway, and I sure as hell won't do it if this monstrous dickhead becomes The Leader Of The Free World.

So what happens to all the people I know that will vote for Trump, probably like the guy in the alumni club with me?  We'll probably shake our heads at each other and stop talking about politics and start talking about the football team again.  Meanwhile, on Facebook, I have tons of Facebook friends who are vocal in their support of Trump (and hate -- and I mean hate -- Clinton with the passion of a thousand suns, and I don't understand it, so much so that I think some of them are downright batshit crazy).  Those are the ones hoping that we can come together after all of this is over.  I would rather not.  But honestly, most of the Trump supporters I'm friends with over there are hot models, and if they post a sexy picture of themselves, I can forget about their political affinity real damn quick.  (Why they support a man who believes he can just grab women by the pussy is something that I'll just have to leave alone.)  I'm shallow that way, but at least I'm honest about it.

Till then, I hope to Buddha above that Clinton wins the White House and that Democrats take back the Senate so that Merrick Garland can finally be accepted as a Supreme Court Justice so we can get back to the goddamn business of running the country, and running it in a dignified, fair, non-poisonous way.  And if Trump supporters don't want to support us right-minded Clinton supporters, frankly, they can go fuck themselves.  Two can play this game.

Dabbin' With My Dick Out

OK, I've thought about this from time to time, but I really mentally obsessed over this yesterday at work for some reason.

I was at *****a's stripper party -- not the last time, but the time before, when I lost my second set of keys.  Even though it wasn't late, I somehow got to this party as it was winding down.  All of the girls there are hot, and I felt bad that I didn't have the money to get lappers with all of them because I spent the vast majority of it one who refused to deliver.

Two of them caught my eye.  One of them I've gotten a dance from before at *****a's party, the other (apparently her friend) I met for the first time.  They were both hot and nice and cool to talk to.  I spent a few minutes out in the back patio while they were taking a quick smoke.

We then went back inside to the kitchen, which is the first room after you go inside.  They sat around *****a's tablet, which was showing camera views of rooms in the house.  These security systems where you can check up on your house on your computer or even mobile device are cool.

Anyway, I don't know how it came to this, but they both asked me to go into the living room (which was serving as the main lap dance room) and dab in front of the camera in there, which was at the very back corner.  Because I wanted to get their approval, I quickly obliged.  Also remember that this is a stripper party, and so I had my fly unbuttoned.  I wanted to expose those two to my dick -- I wanted to expose all of the strippers there to my dick -- but they've never seen it before, and so I don't know if they're, you know, "those kind of strippers."  However, this gave me the perfect opportunity to, um, show them how they make me feel without freaking them out by whipping it out right in front of them.

So, I go the living room, make sure there were no guys there (I think there was one customer left in the house and he was upstairs), find the camera, take my pee-pee out, wank myself a few times, and then dab in front of the cam before going back to the kitchen.  I've never dabbed before, and I certainly haven't dabbed with my wang out, so I just remembered what Cam Newton does all time and copy what he did.

I really wanted to know what they thought -- of my flashing them, not necessarily my dab.  "What do you think?" I asked, oh-so-innocently.

"You did good!" they both said.  And it looked as though they had nothing to say about my cock.  Which disappoints me.  So, if I see them again, do I take it out?  Will they touch it?

Well, I don't really think about that when I go back and fantasize about what I did in front of the living room camera.  Wait a second ... I wonder if *****a is able to record the camera feeds. ...

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0 (tie): Gopher volleyball and Gopher football (Last Week, respectively: -3 and -1).  It was a tough decision to order this week's WMNSS.  Once again, it appears that the local college outperformed all of the professional teams.  But from there, it was hard to differentiate which teams did a better job.

Finally I had to relent.  Even though the footballers (worldwide term) are in postseason mode, I felt the need to highlight two other Golden Gopher schools for their work this screening week.  What they both were able to accomplish over the past seven days may not happen again for the rest of the year.  Meanwhile, the U. soccer squad will get at least another lofty ranking next week as they gear up for the NCAA Tournament and they've been on top a few times this season, so I slipped them in the bridesmaid spot this week.

I don't remember the volleyball club, ranked third last week, having three games in one week.  I'm almost certain that they've never had a week in survey history where they swept all three games.  But they did, against an overmatched Rutgers team/program 17-14-15, a huge three-set victory over then-#10 Penn St. 17-20-18, then a not-bad Indiana outfit 21-24-21.  Sure, all three games where at the Pavilion.  But it's the first time in my memory that the U. has swept the Nittany Lions at home in back-to-back seasons.  (Also note that when it comes to scoring points, Penn St. won fewer of them than the Hoosiers.)

Now the Gophers are ranked second but have to hit the road to finish the away portion of their schedule.  (The back half of the season were divided into chunks: Four in a row on the road, then three at home, then three more on the road, then four at the Pav to finish the season.)  Luckily for them, there's only one game they play out-of-town this week, and it's a walkover: Maryland Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile, let's give credit to the gridiron gang in Dinkytown.  They went on the road and confidently routed an Illinois program with first-year Head Coach Lovie Smith, 40-17.  Again, we're not talking about the 2001 team that could have made the finals of a Mythical National Playoff, but we're not talking about the Bronco Nagurski-era Gopher football team either.  You take victories where you can get them, and you take beatings where you can take them.  Moreover, this has won three games in a row and has become bowl-eligible -- certainly aided by the fact that it's a BcS school, but it's still an achievement Tracy Claeys should be commended for.  Unless Athletic Director Mark Coyle believes he can get somebody with a lengthier bona fides such as, oh, Les Miles or, gad, Lane Kiffin, the head coaching supply is going to be pretty fallow this off-season.  A 6-2 record is a sign (at least for now) that maybe the Gophers should stick to Claeys.

But who knows?  The final three games provides a gauntlet.  But this week's game is only the fourth-to-the-last, it's at TCF Bank Stadium, and it's against a Purdue club that fired its HC a couple weeks ago.  Should be four in a row.

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: 0).  The runner-up spot shouldn't be seen as a slight.  I was at Sunday afternoon's Big Ten Soccer Tournament Quarterfinal match, where the U. fended off Indiana 3-1 to ensure the rest of the tourney will be played at Robbie Stadium this weekend.  If I haven't said this before, let me say it now: Stefanie Golan's team plays fast and smart.  They were able to chain passes that turned into scoring opportunities in front of the Hoosiers goal, and finally a few of them went in.  They are playing up to their abilities and to, I believe, the very maximum of their talent level, and that might make this team the best iteration in program history.

The only soccer bracketologist out there that I see is Chris Henderson of Hero Sports.  In his weekly bracketology breakdown, he finally has Minnesota as one of the 16 seeds for the tournament.  (Surprisingly, Henderson doesn't have the Hoosiers, the tournament team the U. beat, in the tourney.  In fact, he doesn't have IU as one of his Last Seven Out.  Meanwhile, according to him, Ohio St., a team that was just nosed out of the B1G Tournament, is not only in but safely in -- not even on the bubble.)  If the U. wins the tournament, the combination of good form to end the season, the imprimatur of the Big Ten Conference, and the need for geographical balance may convince the NCAA to side with Henderson and give the Golden Gophers a national seed.  I do not think they get one unless they win it all, however.

If that's the case, they would be in line to host the first-round game next weekend and the second-round and Sweet Sixteen games the following weekend.  I presume that the weather the next two weeks won't be far from the relatively warm days we're enjoying now.  Unfortunately, this year is lined up so that I will precisely miss the vast majority of the games.  Minnesota plays Michigan tomorrow in the afternoon, and Northwestern opposes Rutgers, which upset second-seed Penn St. Sunday in the match after that, but the former game will be over and the latter will have kicked off by the time I am done with work.  Sunday afternoon's final takes place at the same time as the Vikings game, which I'm working.  I'm totally free next weekend, but the Vikings are back home the following weekend, when the U. should face worthy opposition.  There should be games Saturday, and I should be free then, but that's it.  Sadly.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -6).  Wow, this list is taking a long time.  That's what you get when you go to bed at 8:30 in the evening and wake up all refreshed at 1:30 in the morning.  (I feel really good right now, which is rare!)  Oh, anyway ... the Gopher men's hockey team did not lose in their sojourn to upstate New York -- way upstate; gosh, it's really up there! -- this past weekend.  They rallied from three goals down to pip Clarkson in Overtime, 4-3, Friday night, then drew 2-all vs. St. Lawrence the next evening.

This weekend they're at home to revive one of the great rivalries in college hockey, one that was ruined utterly after The Great Men's College Hockey Realignment of 2013: North Dakota.  The Fighting Hawks (yes, it's a generic name and one that's less than a year old, but at least it's not racist!) play the Gophers since their memorable Frozen Four Semifinal in April 2014, when Justin Holl scored a short-handed goal with .6 seconds left to give the Gophers a 2-1 win.  It'll be the first time UND has played in Mariucci in four seasons, and they are coming off a sweep at Minnesota-Duluth, where they were #1 in the country and the Bulldogs were #2.  The Fighting Hawks are now ranked third while the U. is ranked 13th, so maybe another school in the University of Minnesota system can take two games from NoDak at home for the second weekend in a row.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  Well, shit, now the pros.  This will be a bummer.  Well, let me take that back, partially; whenever Minnesota can beat The Bastard North Stars (let alone crush the shit out of them, 4-0), it's not a bad week.  Giving up the first loss at home, however (to Buffalo) isn't great.  At least the team is one of the league leaders in shots attempted and goals scored, two marked differences from iterations past.  And congratulations to Goalie Devan Dubnyk, named the NHL's Second Star Of The Week for back-to-back-to-back shutouts and recording a new franchise goal-allowed streak of 183 minutes and 16 seconds.  (Note that the last 3:16 of that streak happened in the Buffalo game, which was played the day after Dubnyk was given the honor.  Also note that the honor was given the day before the Wild lost.)

They start a four-game road trip with contests against Colorado Saturday and Pittsburgh Thursday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  I am fidgety about how this squad has stumbled out of the gate, and I think I am justified in being fidgety.  They have the best young talent in the National Basketball Association, and yet they lose at Sacramento and at home to meandering Denver, both by three points?  Yeah, I hear all this stuff about being patient and needing the parts of the Woofs to get.  But I really believe that a championship team, a dynastic team (which is something all sports fans want) will come shooting out of the gate.  I don't remember hearing anything about Magic's Lakers or Larry's Celtics or Jordan's Bulls needing "time to gel."  And by that measure, one that I think I can rely on, these guys are falling way, way short.

So far in this young year it's the third quarter that's destroying them.  That, so far, is a sign that these on-paper shitty teams are making adjustments after halftime that either the Woofie Dogs aren't understanding or, worse, that Head Coach Tom Thibodeau isn't seeing.  The fact is is that besides Tuesday, where they outscored The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies 35-23 in the third on their way to winning their home-opener (and first and so far only game) 116-80, this squad has been outscored by 48 points in the third stanza.  Egad.

It's not going to get easier this screening week.  They'll be exclusively on the road, beginning in Oklahoma City to face The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Saturday.  They will then strike out east for the first time all year, with matches against Brooklyn Tuesday and all the way down to Orlando Wednesday.

#-5: Vikings (Last Week: -4).  Well, fuck.  What was shaping up to be a special team a month ago, in a season that seemed lost before it even began, this organization is in an all-too-familiar tailspin.  The offensive line was a sieve once again as they not only were beaten at Chicago Monday night, they were crushed by a fucking team that was 1-5, 20-10.  As as indication of how fucked-up the ViQueens' OL is right now, Pro Football Focus graded out Right Tackle T.J. Clemmings with a score so low (albeit not understandable to me at all; I have no reference that I'm comfortable with that makes me really comprehend that number, which I can't find anywhere) that, if that were his score over the rest of the season, it would be lowest grade PFF has ever given out to a player, in any position, ever.  (I saw it in a tweet; I can't find, but you'll have to trust me.)  Another damning statistic, courtesy of PFF: The Bears were able to pressure Quarterback Sam Bradford 16 times in the game, registering five sacks, yet they only blitzed Minnesota twice.  Fucking God.

Then the bombshell Wednesday: Offensive Coordinator Norv Turner surprised everyone -- including, it appears, Head Coach Mike Zimmer -- by resigning.  "Different views" is all Turner would say as he headed out of Winter Park.  Yes, I think the offense could have done a much better job after getting bogged down these past two games.  But it's obvious the woes are because of a patchwork offensive line; if anything, fault on that lays at the feet of General Manager Rick Spielman for not adequately addressing what was an obvious weakness last year.  None of us blamed Turner for this.  But Turner decides to quit?

So what now?  What are these "different views" new/interim OC Pat Shurmur ostensibly does not see?  And is there any way he can get the line fixed, let alone the offense?  This wasn't the change that was needed, and yet this is another instance of uncertainty at a time when the team already has too much to deal with ... including a home date against a Detroit team Sunday afternoon that has got its offensive ducks in a row.  The defense remains the Vikings' stalwart, but that was exposed as incapable frequently on Monday night.  Will Zimmer and the staff have enough time, and will they find the right answers?  Or are we looking at a three-game losing streak?

It Was The Popcorn

As work has gotten a lot more serious, I have been partaking in these daily meetings in the morning.  They're cool, even though 95% of what is said is jargon that's beyond me.  These guys are cool, at least for now, because sometimes someone from the team buys food.  Well, this morning it was this really tasty popcorn, and since I had nothing to do besides listen to words that really should be indistinguishable from the horn squawking from every adult in a Charlie Brown TV show, such was my understanding of it, I just bent down and grabbed a kernel.  And I ate, oh, five dozen of them, I guess.

So, I'm fat again.  And chasing that down with chips from the United match and leftover Coke from Taco Bell (which I ate after work last night because Taco Bell was giving away a free taco because there was a Stolen Base in the World Series), followed by an apple (however tasty that Red Delicious was) and my regular coffee certainly isn't melting the pounds away.

A losing battle, y'all.

Addendum To: Why I Am Not Watching This World Series Either

OK, I'm a liar; I did watch Game 7 of the World Series last night.  Actually I listened to it on the radio; for some reason I think Joe Buck coasts on relaying easy information in baseball broadcasts and it's gotten to the point where I want the radio announcer (in this case Dan Shulman of ESPN Radio) to be the only authority to give me the whole picture.  But I had to turn to the TV for the final out of the game.

And what a game it was, I must admit.  I thought Cleveland was done for, especially since their three best pitchers (Corey Kluber, Andrew Miller and Cody Allen) had nothing that game.  But it turns out that with the exception of Jon Lester, neither did the Cubs pitching.  And once Rajai Davis was able to deposit that low-liner into Left Field off of Aroldis Chapman to tie the game up, I gave up on my ennui and started loving baseball again.  At that point the winner deserved to win.  And it was the Cubbies, whose lineup once again flexed its muscle when it mattered the most.

So I know that Cubs fans are going to be as douchey as Red Sox fans now are after they broke their curse and won the World Series in, like, eight decades.  They have shed their "lovable loser" image and turned into what they once despised (and guys like me still despise) just so they can finally say, after 108 years, that they're champions.  Good for them, I guess.

But, I have a lot of friends, real and Facebook, that are Cubbies fans.  That includes at least two Playmates, a College Girl who posed in Playboy, and another hot model babe that I'll never meet.  I am happy for them, even if I'm not completely happy.  So, you know, yay.

Flipping Bananas

So yesterday (Tuesday) morning I was woken up at 4 o'clock, I think, because My Father was tooling around the kitchen doing ... something.  Maybe his eyes were hurting again, or he was obsessively cleaning like Grandmother was doing when she was in the throes of pill-induced dementia.  (I'll add that I went to sleep at 10:30 Monday night; if I were really tired, it'd be possible I would have slept through the clamor he was kicking up just outside my bedroom door.)  I then was woken up just before my 7 o'clock wake-up because My Mother was dinking around the kitchen.  I did not appreciate having my sleep interrupted.  I felt like I had to go to work early so I could sleep there.  So, as I was leaving, Mother, out of the blue, asked "Don't you want to bring a banana with you?" I, immediately and with a tone of voice I admit could be construed as defiant and/or angry and/or bitter and/or bitchy, said, "No."

I have not eaten at home the past two days.  It was Halloween Monday and so I usually go to a strip club and then Hooters to avoid trick-or-treaters.  (Parents do that too; they don't give out candy, and they haven't in decades.)  Yesterday was the Minnesota United open house, so I had to go to TCF Bank Stadium and, possibly, pick up out my seat for next season, the franchise's first in Major League Soccer.  So I've basically been a shadow the past 48 hours, wispy and avoiding.  And therefore, my Mother's latest impression of me is shooting down her suggestion I take a banana, bananas she bought, en masse, because they were on sale, even though none of us asked for them.

I'm afraid I know where this will go once I come home tonight, for dinner.  Mother, a vindictive person who doesn't let go a grudge (I get that from her, even though, well, Father is that way too), will probably go in on me on something as payback for this perceived (well, kind of perceived) slight I gave her on my way out the door yesterday morning.  And then she'll drop the bombshell: She'll bring back up her thought that I should pay the property taxes for the house from now on.  She's probably thinking that anyway, but tonight, after she thinks I showed her up yesterday, is the perfect time and way to get back at me.

Oh, Father too.  Apparently his cleaning jag in the kitchen started in my bedroom Monday night.  So he'll give me shit about not cleaning up my room and/or not washing the clothes that are piling up in my hamper.  Great -- I get to look forward to both parental units questioning why I'm not "growing up the right way."

And all over fucking bananas.  Christ.

These Taste Test/Research Group Screening Tests Is The Game I Play Most Often Nowadays

Even though I have a full-time job for the time being (and I like it a lot), I still could use other work.  If the University of Minnesota pretty much putting the kibosh on MRI studies at night and on weekends, it looks like, besides from working Vikings games, I need to find work (or "work") by participating in taste tests and research groups.

I don't exactly remember who, how or when I signed up, but a long time ago I got hip to a taste test company.  I went to the west metro, ate or drank something, got money in the form of a Visa debit card (which initially bummed me out because I was thinking I was getting cash, but then I realized that I could use it to pay my gas, and that's what I use them for it now), and got hooked.  I didn't need a degree, I didn't have to come in for an interview -- all I needed to do was answer their e-mail online and take this screening test to see if I'm eligible.

After a while, though, I started to get rejected.  I didn't qualify because I did a taste test within the last half-year, or I don't this product enough, or I don't have kids.  Pretty soon I got sick of not getting these jobs.  So, even though it's not the "right" thing to do, I decided to game the system.  I started to lie.

For example, I know that many taste test screenings are looking for parents.  Therefore, whenever I'm asked if there are kids at home, I say yes.  Also, I think that research groups are looking for people who buy the majority of the groceries for a household.  That's absolutely not true, but if I want to get money, fuck yeah I buy all the groceries!

I think I've gotten into tests and groups by lying.  But it appears as though the tests I've been taking have, for lack of a better term, harder.  There is a slew of nonchalant questions that, if I answer incorrectly, gives me a "You're not right for this group" loser screen, and I lose out on that job.  I've always had to answer them, but they're growing in number and getting trickier.

This afternoon is a case in point.  I've been working on a few e-mails inviting me to answer these screening tests online, and inbetween breaks of work I've been answering them.  This one was unlike any other test I've done before.  It started asking questions about restaurants -- which restaurants I like to go to (all of them, I say), how often I go out (several times a week), etc.  Then, they delve into what choices I make when I go out -- do I look at taste or price?  Will I eat a healthier option even if it's more expensive?  Do I prefer traditional or exotic food?

The line of questions, and what I believe the criteria I think they were looking for, slowly came into focus for me.  It appears as though they were weeding out people who buy traditional food items, and the cheapest items, on the menu.  It looked as though a restaurant chain has developed a brand-new food item which is unlike anything they have offered before, and they're looking for people who wouldn't mind trying that entree.  I really don't know for sure if that was what this taste test was all about, but answering weird question after weird question correctly, it feels as though it was heading in that direction.

So, thinking along those lines, I get this question: Which do you prefer, going out to trendier restaurants or does it not matter, what matters is the food?  Both options are on these big rectangles and you just click on one or the other.  And I clicked on the one that said only the food matters.  This has to be a chain restaurant behind this taste test, and besides, shouldn't the food be the only thing that matters from any restaurant, trendy or no?

Then it took some time to load.  And that's when I knew I fucked myself.  When you answer correctly on these screenings, the next page loads up pretty fast.  When you get the circle, however, they're taking you to the loser-get-out page.  As I got here.  Dammit, I should've said trendy!  Could've used $85 too.

Well, Game Over for me.  I'll just have to wait for the next opportunity to play this game, and then, I hope I guess right.