The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -2). Tough week to order, maybe the toughest week so far this year. Yes, it's only three entries, but not one of them rose above the other two, nor did any of them truly stink this week. So I'll give it to the Twins for winning their two series this week, going 2-1 each against a slumping Cleveland on the road and the Tampa Bay Rays at home. Nothing seems to be getting consistent, good or bad. One minute Scott Baker is taking a pounding and Justin Morneau is in a slump, next thing Francisco Liriano and Nick Blackburn give sterling performances and everybody is having a crack at the ball. The only player screaming at me is Jason Kubel, who may be following Morneau as a guy who has finally found his batter's eye. Also, even though 11-11 shouldn't cut it, it's keeping them in the A.L. Central. This week: Three at the Dome versus Kansas City, then another scheduling quirk where they play two two-game series during the work week (Detroit and Baltimore, both on the road).

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -1). Swept Purdue at home this weekend, but lost at Siebert Field on Tuesday to St. Thomas of all teams, then bussed out to Brookings, South Dakota just to hear that they cancelled the game Wednesday because of rain. (Aside: If the NCAA was going to start a uniform start date for the season, and if they were going to move it back in the calendar year to late February, they should also do the smart thing and cut down on the number of games. These mid-week games are too slapdash to make any sense: You have a one-off against a team that may not be the caliber of opponent you usually face, and if you're in a geographic area that doesn't have Division I non-conference teams within driving distance, like in Minnesota, you're playing teams barely above NAIA -- such as St. Thomas. [Although the fact that the Tommies beat Minnesota is a reason to keep such an arrangement going.] What I would do is cut down the number of games played in the season, completey ban mid-week games, and make every team in top-flight college baseball play a four-game weekend series against in-conference opponents. That seems much more logical to me.) RHP Tom Buske was named Big Ten Co-Pitcher Of The Week, however they're still off the polls. Good news: Baseball America's latest "Bracketology" has the Gophers in the tourney -- and as a 2-seed in their regional! This week marks the last time they play in Minnesota this year, barring a ridiculous matchup for a super-regional: A weekend trio against Iowa, then a one-offer Tuesday against North Dakota State, all at Siebert.

#-3: Vikings (Re-Entry!). I don't want to go too overboard when the Vikes drafted WR Percy Harvin and RT Phil Loadholt. Those two positions were areas of prime need for the team, and talent-wise, they seemed to have taken the best ones available at the spots they were drafting. But for a team that spent at least a season to weed out all the players with character issues, and what with owner Zygi Wilf saying that there will be a culture of accountability with the team, getting a typical receiver diva/punk-ass who got busted for pot when he damn well knew he'd get tested for pot and a guy who has a D&D (drunk and disorderly) a DUI on his rap sheet may not be the best way to kick off your draft. For my money, I would've used my first-rounder on Michael Oher -- he's a guy who also plays on the offensive line, the safest and most projectionable position on a football team, and he was raised well by the (white) family who adopted him. And is it just me, or is Michael Oher's mom hot enough to fuck? Anyway, what I'm saying is Oher seems to be someone whom you won't need to worry about staying out late, and instead you drafted two guys who'd do just that with your first two picks. And now they're teammates -- along with Bryant McKinnie and, in the worst-case scenario where he falls off the wagon, Jared Allen. But who knows? If they keep their bullshit off the field, these two guys could be the final pieces to a Super Bowl team. We shall see. ...

My Fucking Father And I Had A Civil Conversation Tonight

No yelling, no accusations, no paranoia.  Just us -- well, him mostly -- talking about his real estate holdings.  Just two grown-ups talking.  Eight days ago this son-of-a-bitch wanted to throw me out of the house because I didn't clean the bathroom and my room.

He may not just be moody.  My Old Man may very well be crazy.  And yet. ...  This is something I secretly crave.  Why can't my dad talk to me like this all the time?

Yelled At My Grandmother Again

And I don't even remember why.  It was about the yogurt she bought and the fuss she made after I told her she needed to put it in the refrigerator.  She took out all the things in the fridge just so she could put it in, and then she told me she couldn't just put the whole Sam's Club box so she was going to put them in individually.  I got furious and she told me that yogurt's healthy for you and I tried to tell her that wasn't my point, that my point was she shouldn't've bought something we're not going to be able to eat anyway.  I got flashbacks from when I had to eat that frozen overdue yogurt shit and I freaked.  So my Grandmother did what everybody in the family does: She told me she'd it herself.  And I let her.  Sigh.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -1). Dropped two of three against Illinois, but won Wednesday at North Dakota State (aside: the Dakotas have made a hell of a lot of noise in their first year in top-flight competition) to finish at .500 for the week. Derek McCallum was named Big Ten Player Of The Week, but the Gophers slipped out of both polls to begin the new week. Hey, this is the best team in the Metro Area. This week: three against Purdue at the Metrodome, then host St. Thomas at Siebert, then at South Dakota State.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -2). The Twinkies also finished at .500 for the week (3-3), but I put them lower than the Gophers because they finished up with two very humiliating losses: A rain-plauged doubleheader/series sweep at Boston. Neither Scott Baker nor Francisco Liriano mustered up any decent stretch of pitching in their performances, and the Red Sox teed off on them. It's early, and this observation is marred by the fact that the Twins swept the Angels at home and then got clubbed on the road, but it's starting to feel like we're seeing a hierarchy in baseball -- there's Boston, then there are the Twins, and the Angels come in somewhere behind them. Not to be overshadowed, they designated Phil Humber for assignment, then got him back because no one else wanted him (he's been reassigned to AAA). Humber is one of the guys received from the Mets in the Johan Santana trade, so this is a sure sign that the Twins wound up on the losing end of this transaction. This week they play two three-gamers against teams that are probably better than them: Cleveland on the road, Tampa at home.

#-3: Gopher women's basketball (Re-Entry!). If you haven't heard, Best Minnesota Girls Prep Hoops Player Ever Tayler Hill is going to Ohio State. There are two good reasons for her to leave: 1) Her big brother, P.J., plays basketball at Ohio State, and 2) to just get away from your family (that's what I did). Nonetheless, this is a damaging blow to the Minnesota program (who apparently finished third in the Hill sweepstakes behind Texas), and a demerit for Pam Borton's recruiting, specifically her edict to close the borders and not let any high school player from Minnesota leave Minnesota.

#-Infinity: Swarm (Last Week: -3). I was at the Swarm's season-ending loss to New York at the X Saturday night. And the thing I took from it was, Where the fuck was the defense? The Titans got out to a 4-1 lead, but Minnesota stormed back with a 5-0 second quarter to lead 6-4 at half. Sadly, New York outscored the Swarm 8-4 after the break for the 12-10 win, helping them win the Eastern Division title and eliminating Minnesota from the postseason. I'm no lacrosse expert, but seeing the Swarm not able to connect on passes, turn the ball over, get screened and trail slashers to the goal, and G Kevin Croswell not crouching late in the game when Titans attackers seemed to intentionally dive down at the goal to get the ball around him had me shaking my head. Defense and goaltending led to the end of their season, one in which they finished with a worse record (6-10) then the year previous for the first time in the history of the franchise. Translation: These guys are moonwalking backward. Good news: Sean Pollock scored his 100th career NLL goal. Yay?

Cheerleaders! Cheerleaders! Cheerleaders!

While out and about to avoid my Father (when I came back home, he was very calm and asked me for a few things; it's so fucking weird how normal he was tonight, like a demon didn't possess him after dinner last night ... although he may have calmed down after I cleaned my room, although that doesn't set a good precedent ... or he may just have been nice to me because he wanted something from me ... see why I have a bad dad?), I decided to go to the Mall Of America and see some free tit at Hooters. But why did my eye spy as I crossed the East Rotunda on my way up there? The finals of the Minnesota Vikings Cheerleader Tryouts! Dude! I wish I had brought my camera!

"You should've been there" is the "duh" statement of the millenium. Sixty-two hot chicks in halter tops and tight shorts smiling, spinning, thrusting ... oh man. They put them through their paces -- they had to do, like, five routines over 2 1/2 hours. I haven't noticed that a lot of them are ripped -- strong legs that could choke me to unconsciousness! Cut arms that could make me pass out just after the point of orgasm! Abs you could ejaculate onto! Fuck Hooters, this is what those waitresses looked like before they enacted that pesky dress code where they had to tuck in their t-shirts! Right after they were done I made a beeline to BJ's to get to the eventual last step and see hot chicks completely naked!

And so yeah, I had to masturbate tonight. Sadly, I was so caught up in my weekly Tuesday ritual of looking at Reality Kings (hey, why can't I see the latest trailer of MILFHunter? This Kinzie Fox girl looks like she's a minx!) that I finished off with a Victoria's Secret catalog. I completely forgot to use the memories of the cheerleader auditions tonight. There were so many of them I couldn't hone in and jerk off to just one.

I also forgot to use material I saw about a week ago, around the time of the Masters. Anybody know Kenny Perry, the chubby forty-something playing the best golf of his life except that he screwed the pooch in the last two holes of regulation Sunday and eventually lost to Angel Cabrera on the second extra hole? I have to hand it to a guy who's enjoying a renaissance in his career after 40; gives me hope. Most importantly, I have to give him credit for being the father to Lesslye, who just happens to be a cheerleader for the Bastard Houston Oilers:



Oh. My. Fucking. God. She is a motherfuckin' goddess! The eyes, the smile, the tan, the thick Southern accent, the abs muscular enough to keep her going as she fucks me in the ass with a dildo! My Buddha, how could I forget to touch myself to her?!

The funniest thing about the video, and one thing I thought about when the MC at the cheerleader auditions at MOA announced their Junior Cheerleader Camp: Lesslye is seen posing in an incredibly skimpy bikini, objectifying herself in order to get heterosexual mens' dicks hard, while talking about kids' charities. Yeah, that ain't what you call a mixed message! That's like taking your family out to Hooters. Or anything coming out of the mouth of my Father.

But Then I Talked To My Father Today, And Everything Seems To Be Better

I resolved not to have dinner either tonight or tomorrow night (before heading out to St. Louis for the weekend) after my Father yelled at me uncontrollably last night. What I usually do -- and I've done this a lot after my Father has yelled at my uncontrollably -- is that I leave well before they're supposed to come home, even though I often don't have anything to do.

I leave at around 3:30. I see one door of the side gate, the one where the van is, open. I have to talk to Father about this, I said, if only to give me an excuse to yell at him. (And sucks for it to be true, but he had to know.) And so I call him on his cell and I don't so much as yell at him as explain that I saw the door open as loudly at him as I can. And ... he was actually calm. He said to check around the back yard to see if anything hinky was there, and to make sure nothing was stolen, but that was it. It was as if he didn't even remember yelling at me last night.

He is like that some times, and it pisses me off that he won't back up his anger by being agitated with me if I speak to him about something after threatening me. It's also weird to think that he may really not remember yelling at me last night. In my last post I accused him of having male PMS. If he is calm as he sounded over the phone, that very well may be the case.

Moreover, I am as confounded in my reaction to his reaction as I am in his reaction to my call. I was in an angry, threatened, prickly and paranoid mood for the past 24 hours, but after my dad "treated" me so gently, my mood changed 180 degrees. I may not be as sunny as the weather outside, but a burden has been lifted from shoulders. And it shouldn't. Well, the bottom line is it shouldn't've been on my shoulders in the first place. But all my life we've been going through this endless cycle of him yelling at me, me seething, him acting like nothing happened, me happy, me do something that somehow pisses him off, him yelling at me, etc. I can bear a lot of bullshit, but as I go through certain points of the cycle again and again, even I start to grow weary. Sometimes I wish he'd just stick to his guns and stay mad.

Just to get back at him, I put all the Medicare information he wanted me to look over for him in front of his desktop, as if to say, I ain't readin' this shit for you anymore. That's all the courage I have to respond to him: passive-aggressively. I know, pathetic.

Fuck You, Father

The honeymoon didn't last long.  After dinner today, the son-of-a-bitch ambushed me after I volunteered to clean the table for him.  He went on about cleaning up my room again and getting rid of my clothes -- like it was ever his goddamn business -- but this time he threatened me with moving out.  And this time, he said, "I'm serious!"

Now I have to take him seriously.  Who cares if my room's a little dirty?  He ain't sleeping in it.  And so what if I don't throw away my old clothes?  They fit me, I like them, there are no holes in them, I'll keep wearing them.  But now he tells me he's serious.  He's as angry as he's ever been.  But I'm not going to budge.  Why?  Well, first off, his hormones are off the fucking charts again.  He was pretty nice when he came home from Vegas on Wednesday, so once again I'm thinking he's suffering from the male equivalent of PMS.

The other big reason?  Where would I start?  I'll tell you a secret; my room should be cleaned.  But there are a lot of goddamn things in there that I want to keep and that I need to keep.  Of course, the other stuff has to go, but going through it takes a lot of time.  Like, more than three years.  And after he threatened me tonight -- and I hate threats -- I don't think I'm going to get around to it for a while.  So fuck you, Father.

Deep down inside, I have a shameful secret: I can't live without my family.  I can't be out on my own.  It's a scary place out there.  Last time I was out on my own I was living in El Paso for half the year and I got my dad's truck stolen.  I'm still ashamed of it.  Plus, living by myself with no real friends ... it takes me to the existential place I feel we all will eventually go to, but it still feels terrible.  For all the bullshit I have to put up with with my family, I feel they're the only ones who will take me in unconditionally.  Otherwise, it's me out in the cold.  And that's why what my Father said to me scares me (although every time he tells me he's throwing me out scares me).  I can't make it alone.

And so there's my conundrum.  I can't live with these people, yet I can't live without them, either.  What am I going to do?

Oh yeah, by the way, he always demanded that I shower every day and wash the tub.  Fuck you again, Father.  You gonna make me?  Every single goddamn day?

Shit That Happened To Me This Weekend (Non-Gas Getting Edition)

• I'm sorry, Mr. Scalper, for being a dick to you, and then being mush-mouthed when I tried to apologize to you.  It's just that I was trying to get scalped tickets to the college basketball and hockey games being played here a couple weeks ago, and all the scalpers were being dicks, insulting me and cursing me out.  So I had my guard up in case you were the same.  I should remember that not all of you are like that.
• Yeah, I pushed you, you son-of-a-bitch.  You were pushing your way through The Hockey Lodge, and not just to get to your parents or something, but to get to a rack of stuff before everyone else.  You're a whiny little kid, and you needed to be shoved by someone, preferably by someone you disrespected.  In other words, me.
• Mom, if the DVD Player isn't at Wal-Mart, it won't be at Target.  Wal-Mart's the place to buy all the shit DVD Players for cheap; Target has some standards, at least.  Wait -- you went there this afternoon?  Well, you didn't have to do that. ...
• Geez, Mother, your smoothies are fine, but I don't know if I can continue drinking them from the measuring cups.  I know, I've drank smoothies from them all my life, but I'm getting old now, and it took me three hours to drink it, and afterwards it feels like my spleen is leaking strawberries and bananas.  Maybe I should use my own cup next time.

My Mind Is Going

I want to balance my earlier, angry post with a self-flagellating one.

It was either last night or the night before where I saw NBC's promotional for the two NHL playoff games they're broadcasting over the weekend: Saturday at 1 Eastern (12 Central) and Sunday at 3 Eastern (2 Central). I mentally said to myself: "noon and 2, noon and 2..."

So I'm doing yard work today and then my Father wants me to help him out with some things and then I finish my Internet surfing where I see that the Bulls are actually leading the Celtics late in the game, so I get down with the computer and then I run up to watch the Cavaliers-Pistons game on ABC so I can get an update on the Celtics-Bulls score (and the Bulls upset the C's in overtime, by the way).

After I get that score, I start flipping around. Hey, wait a second, isn't there a playoff hockey game on? It's 2:45; is it still on, I ask myself. Yes, self replied, the game started at 1, go flip to NBC. And then I see a replay followed by rows and rows of red-clad Capitals fans leaving up the steps. The game's over; the Capitals lost. And I thought, no, wait, it was at noon.

Noon, 1 ... I ordered myself to remember the real times as late as last night, and I forget today. Yeah, yeah, I had shit to do, but dammit, how could I get the time wrong on a game if I knew I had to be careful not to forget it? I'm 33 and my mind is going on me.

And come to think of it, why in the hell didn't I just listen to my satellite radio for the end of the Celtics-Bulls game instead of waiting for a score on the TV? I am stupid, stupid, stupid...

Obama's First Failure

I like Obama. His election and inauguration were historic, and so far he's doing a hell of a lot more as president than the absent leader we had before him.

But his unwillingness to enact strict gun control laws, or at least move forward on an assault weapons ban, is really pissing me off. There have been 58 people killed by mass murderers in the last fucking month. And yet the President has stifled State Secretary Clinton, Attorney General Holder and others calling for a simple ban on guns that no hunter uses to kill deer.

This is getting insane. Mostly because the National Rifle Association is insane. I understand there's a Second Amendment. And frankly, if I had my way, the only person who would have a gun is me. But the "lobbying" the NRA does is basically threats. Moreover, they say that they support gun laws. So why don't they be more proactive and, as possibly the most powerful lobbying group in the country, help enact legislation to ban those mentally unstable from getting guns at gun shows, or to help beef up security so that deadly weapons don't cross the Mexican border? But I don't see the NRA doing much of anything besides screaming "MY RIGHTS!!! MY RIGHTS!!!" whenever someone calls for a simple ban. Or, when someone crazy takes out his AK-47 and kills a dozen people. It's pretty depressing to see how unhelpful the NRA is.

(Oh, and by the way, NRA Vice-President, spokesman and blowhard Wayne LaPierre is a fatass.)

Why is Obama not doing anything to stem gun violence in the U.S.? Is he afraid of the NRA? The more salient question is: Should he be? And that's my worst nightmare. He could've turned around the economy, overhauled the health system, forged peace in the Middle East and found and killed Osama bin Laden, and yet come 2012 if he says there should be much stricter gun laws in this country, he would lose to gun-totin' MILF Sarah Palin. What's scarier, the possibility that an election could be decided over guns, or the possibility of the NRA to single-handedly defeat the most memorable president of modern times if he stands up to them for allowing innocent Americans to die because of their members' need to feel like men?

A Very Cute Fail, But A Fail Nonetheless

Tayler Hill is considered by many to be the greatest female basketball player in Minnesota high school history. On Thursday she revealed where she was going. Her finalists were Ohio State, Minnesota, and the Texas Longhorns.

There are many creative ways for a prospect to reveal which school he or she is choosing, but I haven't seen this one before: When she gave the go-ahead, nine of Hill's friends got up and unfurled a large piece of paper with a huge letter on it. Put together, it would say "Ohio State," "Minnesota," or "Longhorns."

One problem: Neither Hill nor her friends realized that the unfurling of the choice is for the benefit of the people watching, and they sat in the order that spelled it out correctly the way they saw it. It's about 45 seconds in:

And I hear Tayler Hill's pretty bright.

I can't believe it, but I'm kind of relieved my Father has come home from Vegas. Probably it's because I'm tired of fighting with my Mother, who really pissed me off over dinner. I cut off some pieces of a rotisserie chicken, she complains that there needs to be more, I look at all the other food she's preparing and so I tell her I assumed she was eating something else. So she calls me selfish. Bitch.

And then we talk about other stuff like we got over it. And we sort of did. And then she interrupts my sleep. And then we'll probably just get along again tomorrow. Weird. Or is that just living with family?

My allergies are acting up, too. Dammit. ...

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2). I'm still resisting raising them above -1 because I don't think they're going to win the College World Series or anything, and I want to see if they can go on the road and win at Illinois. But a 5-0 week (all in Minneapolis, including a sweep of Northwestern) is very good news, as is appearing in the back end of both college baseball polls. Center fielder Matt Nohelty is one of 10 finalists for an award honoring an exceptional senior. Overall, good times. Oh yeah, they visit North Dakota State mid-week next week.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -3). I'm cheating; I will try to post these surveys on Thursday, but it could be early Thursday/late night Wednesday or as late as Thursday evening. With the potential for Twins matinees then, I might fudge on how many games the team will play the upcoming week. Anyway: They go 2-4 since the last survey. Not good for a team that I predict will show it had overachieved last year. Joe Mauer, for all his injuries and ailments, not to mention his lack of power, is very, very missed in the offense. And it looks like we've found our scapegoat for now -- the very shaky Luis Ayala. He was a Bastard Expo, wasn't he? The most worrisome person, IMO, is Kevin Slowey. All the statheads think he's going to take it to the next level, yet he got rocked on Monday. And tonight, unreliable stud ace Francisco Liriano takes to the mound against quite reliable stud ace Roy Halladay. They host three against the Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of before doing their annual weirdo early-season twofer; this year it's at Boston.

#-3: Swarm (Last Week: -4). A devastating 19-14 home loss at the X to Portland takes away control of their own destiny. They now lose the tiebreaker with Colorado, with whom they are tied, and not only do they have to win against New York Saturday night, they have to hope the Mammoth lose at Edmonton later that evening. Intriguing: If the Swarm lose, that Colorado-Rush game is for the playoff spot. Also intriguing: The Titans get to host their first playoff game if they also beat the Swarm. As for analysis -- what can you really say when a team can get into the playoffs with a 7-9 record?

#-Infinity (tie): Timberwolves and Wild (Last Week: -1 and -6, respectively). And finally these two old dogs are put down. The NBA and NHL regular seasons are already too long, but it gets absolutely excruciating, even unbearable, once you realize your team has no chance.

And even if all the rosy scenarios painted for the Wild, you knew (at least I knew) they weren't going to make it. Even with their finishing kick, their swoon from Dec. 5 to Dec. 17, when they lost six in a row, destroyed them. Marian Gaborik wasn't even in skates for a quarter of the season, and yet when he stepped onto the ice, he was the best offensive player the Wild had; what does that say about the team? And finally, Jacques Lemaire said, in coded terms, the players had tuned him out and need to be yelled at by someone different. I understand that coaches have a shelf life, but finding a new coach is venturing out into the unknown. It is absolutely necessary sometimes, but it's also incredibly unfair. We lost one of the greatest hockey coaches ever, even if he has to take responsibility for the franchise's fortunes over the last eight years, so who's good enough to replace him?

And yet Wild fans have been too easy on their beloved franchise. Maybe it's because of guilt over getting the North Stars stolen from them, but I don't think any "fan" wants to pipe up about the direction this team is going, doesn't want to start pissing and moaning over General Manager Doug Risebrough, because they don't want to lose another team. Hey, get it through your heads: This team isn't going anywhere because Norm Green took advantage of our naivete and now we know better. And it's not your fault. So stop giving this new franchise latitude that they have demonstrated they don't deserve. Start demanding the outright demolition of this club that is long overdue.

... And just as I am about to complete the survey, I turn on "The Common Man Progrum" on KFAN and here something that goes a long way towards that long-overdue demolition: GM Risebrough has just been shitcanned! Nice guy, don't have anything too personal against him, but this was the right move!

As for the Wolves ... whatever. The last game last night, when they were hosting the worst team in the NBA, the Sacramento Kings, and lost, brings our regard for this team full circle back when we were absolutely dreading the beginning of the season. They finished with another winless week (0-3). And I didn't see Kevin McHale shake opposing Coach Kenny Natt's hand at the end of the game. If you didn't -- classy, McFail. Goddamn, if you hate the shit you need to do to be a coach in the league, just fuckin' quit. Then Glen Taylor can rub his hands malevolently and say his plan worked. First good plan that would've worked for the Woofie Dogs in a long time.

Here's what I think should be done. They are several steps behind the Wild -- they can't be blown up because they've already been blown up. And yet a shaky nucleus of Jefferson, Foye, Love and maybe Gomes and Miller could be worth something. Add in Telfair, a returning Brewer, and even bench players Carney and Cardinal, and maybe I'll let myself remember the 10-4 January they had and extrapolate it over the whole season. But this draft may be the worst in recent memory. Honestly, if they don't land the #1 pick (for Blake Griffin), and maybe if they don't get lucky and hit #2 or #3 (Ricky Rubio and Hasheem Thabeet, although I have misgivings about both), just fuckin' trade it. Serious! This is a horrible year to have three draft picks, and it might behoove the team if they trade a couple of them to a team willing to send over a Point Guard with some experience -- maybe Philadelphia and Andre Miller? I truly think that a veteran filling the 1-spot could unlock this team's potential. What also would do it? Get a coach that doesn't mind travelling or speaking with the media.

Tonight, my mother made me a huge strawberry-banana smoothie and went to my door. Either she tried to open it or didn't want to wait for me to get out of my bed to open the door, 'cause after she knocked and waited for me, she told me she was going to tell my Father to remove the lock on my door. I've been in an embattled attitude ever since.

Every day I go to the Reality Kings sites and see the latest preview pages, which I believe are updated every Tuesday. Then I go to the bathroom to masturbate. I haven't touched myself in several days but I don't think it was that long ago, so imagine my surprise when my first projection of ejaculate hits the back of the open medicine cabinet, which is a foot off the counter!

Two Tales Of Regret (Waiting Too Long To Do Something Edition)

1) My Mother was helping establish accounts for my second cousins (her brother's kids).  She has asked me to help close the accounts.  She told me she set up accounts for both of them when they were really young but wanted to close them now that they're about to be adults.  She said she had put in thousands for them at the beginning; now, both accounts are worth hundreds.  We could have done something to avoid that. ...

2) When my mom and I returned from Tunica, she surreptitiously slipped in some cookies she took from one of the buffet dinners we had there.  I think I saw her take them from the buffet, just not tell me she was putting them in my bag.  Anyway, I think I said I'd eat them later.  Well, it's been a month, and I had not eaten them.  I had my chances, especially when I bought some 2% milk, but then I used it for cereal.  Don't know why, I just wanted cereal.  I promised myself I'd finally get around to eating those cookies, and by Buddha, tonight was the night.  But when I went to the dining room table to look for them, they were gone.  Either my Grandmother ate them for me ... or she or my mom threw them away.  And they were perfectly good cookies, too, we just needed someone to finally eat them.

Naturally, I Almost Forgot To Blog About Forgetting

• Yesterdau afternoon, went to a Wal-Mart that was not next to our house. Mother wanted me to track how many miles was it from that Wal-Mart to home. Remembered this morning as we were driving to work. Fortunately we knew how long it took to go from home to the store and we deduced it was 11 miles.
• Mother had a tray of spoons in the minivan. After we got home today, she looked at the tray and asked why I didn't bring the tray of spoons into the store. I don't remember seeing them today. Either she put them in the car today or I put them in yesterday. I forgot.
• I think there was another instance of forgetting I wanted to write about, but I forget.

I'm Bored, But I Don't Want To Do Anything About It

I came home from work this afternoon wondering if I should go out tonight, just because it's now firmly spring here. I could go to BJ's and watch the Frozen Four Final (and a hell of championship game that was), but they probably would be watching the Wild and Wolves. Besides, I didn't take the car out, the first time in a week, and she needs some rest. And if I didn't go out, I wouldn't be spending money, the first time in over a week I can say I gave my wallet a rest.

After passing out till 6:30 I thought I'd check out the Frozen Four Final game online (it started at 6). Went upstairs to confirm what I saw on ESPN.com; the Timberwolves are getting their asses kicked. Well, that goes spending my night watching them. So I went back downstairs and tried to find a radio station streaming the hockey game online. Thank God for student radio, specifically Boston University's WTBU!

Anyway, that thriller of a game ended around 9. Saturday Night Live was new, but that was an hour and a half away. What was I supposed to do between now and then? I stayed down there to surf the Internet, leaf through the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly that came in the mail today and listened to some college and pro baseball on my satellite radio.

But I have to confess: I was totally bored. I still regret not doing something, anything, more productive. Maybe it could've been just going out and watching a movie, but I really thought long and hard about why I couldn't just be out working this time of night. I mean, there's no college football on, and it's warm out, and reruns on TV are coming very soon, this is the perfect time to find a job.

And yet, even though I was fantastically bored, I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. No resolve to say, "Monday, I will look for a job," or "I'm going to go out and see a movie." No. I hated wasting my life away, and I did it anyway.

I've been circling around this conclusion for a long time, so I might as well come out and say it: I can tolerate a lot of boredom. I will internally piss and moan about my lack of direction in life, but I know that feeling will pass. Hell, it's happening now, but I still find ways to pass the time to the point I'll look at the clock on my laptop and go, What the hell have I been doing?

Surfing on the Internet kills a lot of time.

Why Do Guys Flush The Urinal Before They Piss?

I heard this guy do this while I was taking a dump at the U. today. Pisses me off because it confuses me so. Are you so impatient that you don't want to bother with touching a cold handle after you wanked your dick? Do you really think the entire flush swallowed down all your piss? I just don't fucking understand why you can't pee, then flush instead of flush, then pee. I ... it ... I don't understand!!!

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). Let's give it up for the Woofie Dogs! They went 3-1 over the past week, and the amazing thing is, they won all of their road games! (Although they got demolished at home to Denver on Sunday.) And they completed a back-to-back road sweep at the Clippers and Golden State the last two nights. The competition wasn't all that good, but did you expect the Wolves to win both? Kevin Love continues to impress; last night he notched his 27th double-double of the season. But wouldn't you know it, as soon as the Timberwolves start playing well the season's over! This is the last week: home to Phoenix, at Dallas, and home to Sacramento on Wednesday night.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -1). Go 3-2 for the week. Seems as if it's only in college baseball where you can clobber someone 16-3 (like they did in winning the season series against Ohio State Sunday at the Dome) and get clobbered by someone 20-5 (like they did at Missouri on Wednesday, splitting two) in the same week. Good news: A.J. Pettersen was named Co-Big Ten Player Of The Week for the Buckeyes series. Bad news: The Gophers fell out of the Baseball America Top 25 poll. Good news: They are now 30th in the Collegiate Baseball Top 30 poll. Do you need a poll that goes to 30? They play five this week, all in the Twin Cities area: Northwestern, Wisconsin-Milwaukee, and South Dakota State.

#-3: Twins (New!). A wave of nostalgia washes over me and other Twins fans as they play in the Metrodome for the last time. (Mark my words: There will be a snowout for the opener at the new ballpark next year.) They begin the year splitting four with Seattle. Nothing needing pointing out beyond the fact that they were humbled this afternoon by fuckin' Jarrod Washburn, of all people. They're at the White Sox for three, then at home vs. Toronto for four.

#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -4). For a mediocre MLL team, last week's results are what you expect: A loss at San Jose, then a win at home against Edmonton, both teams competing with Minnesota for a playoff spot. The Swarm is tied with San Jose and Colorado for third and fourth place (with Edmonton a game behind). What's even more complicating is their lone game Saturday against second-place Portland, who are only 1 1/2 games ahead of the Swarm. MLL apparently is like the NHL, of which the local team (the Wild) share something besides the X: Playing in a league where you're never really out of a playoff spot, even if you don't necessarily deserve it.

#-5: Lynx (New!). You think that with the Internet, you can find anything online. Turns out that there's no WNBA Draft analysis anywhere. What's that, you say? Yes, the WNBA Draft was this afternoon. I did read that earlier this week, I honestly forgot till now. Anyway, not that I'm an expert, but I'd rather take Courtney Paris at #4 than Renee Montgomery, even if she played for the undefeated UConn Lady Huskies. In the second round they took Rashanda McCants, the sister of Rashad McCants. Do the Lynx people know her brother doesn't play here any more, or is this another of Glen Taylor's "oversights?" And I don't have anything against Megan Fox, but the Lynx picked her because the local women's pro basketball team wanted to do a solid for the local women's college basketball team.

#-6: Wild (Last Week: -2). By rule, the Wild's 2-1 weekly record should put them higher on the survey. But let's face it, even with wins over Calgary and, even sweeter, The Team That Was Stolen From Us, they're not going to make the playoffs. Marian Hossa's last-minute goal in the loss to Detroit hurt, but even with that the Wild would maybe be two or even three points from eighth place. Tie-breakers and what-if scenarios are too complex to explain for the NHL, but I'll believe this: If Anaheim and St. Louis both gain one more point, the Wild are done. And their last two games of the regular season are no gimmes. Tomorrow they host Nashville, who actually are one point ahead of Minnesota and still in the playoff chase. Worse yet, they have to fly to Columbus (the BJ's just clinched their first-ever playoff spot) and finish the season Saturday night. A loss should usher in a badly-needed overhaul of this entire franchise.

Forgetfulness, Choices And Loss Of Time

Today is the kind of day that makes me want to say in the house.

I wanted to leave the house early this afternoon so I can finally go to Uncle Franky's with enough time for me to eat something without needing to hoover it down before I get to "work" at 1. I left the house at 11:45 ... but I forgot my goddamn phone. I wouldn't have gone back for it except 1) my Grandmother warned me she might call me if she needed something, 2) I needed to pick something up for all of us to eat for dinner and I knew that if I just left without my phone she wouldn't called me, and 3) I needed to call someone to fill something out and send it back to me today. So I had no choice but to turn back. Unfortunately that meant I had to do a U-turn onto lunchtime traffic, then wait at an intersection to turn left. I'll be damned if being only a mile and a half away from my house meant I had to take 10 minutes to go home and retrieve my phone. I ate slowly anyway, but I got to "work" a couple minutes after 1. It's not a big deal unless you remember that if I remembered my fuckin' phone I would've been there early, which is always better.

Meanwhile, I was debating whether or not to go out tonight or tomorrow night. Going out meant both going to a coffeehouse and working on my taxes and going to my favorite strip club and getting a few lapdances before I have to pay my enormous tax bill. I couldn't decide, though, and all day I was going back and forth mentally listing the pros and cons of going out both days -- "See ... if I go tonight I can get an LD from my ATF, plus I'm out already, so I won't potentially take my car out tomorrow when it's not absolutely necessary. But there are those two Frozen Four college hockey games I want to watch, and I guess I can go to BJ's and watch there, plus maybe my ex-stripper waitress ATF will be allowed to give me a lapdance." You can tell that I couldn't decide.

In cases like this I wait for the decision to be made for me. And I thought it was when I finally got home from grabbing a chicken for dinner. My Mother beat me home, and she put her minivan right in front of the garage door so I couldn't park my car. I'll have to either ask her to move or get the keys so I can move it, and since I have to go through all this shit I might as well park my car now and not go out tonight.

So I leave my car running and run inside to see that the door's open and my mom's keys are still in the lock. She's dropping by before going to get her mammogram. Oh, OK, so I can wait till she leaves and then park my car. So Mother, you leavin' now. "Not yet," she replied, "5:40." It's 5:20, and I can't just have my car running for 20 minutes, so now I have to go and turn my car off, and since I'm turning my car off that changes my night's plans completely and I now have to go out tonight. The only thing worse than leaving my car running for 20 minutes is to turn it on for just 1 in order to put in my garage.

The minute I turn it off, however, my mom comes out.

"I thought you weren't leaving!"

"I leave now."

"But you said you weren't leaving!"

"My appointment's at 5:40. It's 5:20. I go now."

"But you didn't fucking say your appointment was at 5:40, you said you were fuckin' leaving at 5:40. You made me turn off my car, goddamn you!!" (OK, I didn't say this part out loud, but I was thinking it.)

I turned off my car unnecessarily. I am now forced to go out and do my taxes and get a lapdance at a stripclub because my Mother, well, she misled me.

OK, I wasn't totally on the up-and-up either. I spent too much of my time at the SC and less than an hour at the coffeehouse, and once there I spent most of it surfing the Internet and not checking my taxes. I had to leave 'round midnight because 1) I wanted to see if Jimmy Kimmel Live was live this week (it's not -- hey, no talk show is live this week! What the hell am I supposed to watch late at night?!) and 2) the coffeeshop closes at midnight.

These three incidents all have one similarity: They cost me time. And although I really need money right now, time is something I will never get back.

I Hate The Dallas Stars And I Hope The Franchise And All Their Fans Rot In Hell, And Any Wild Fans Who Don't Agree Can Go Fuck Themselves

One thing people who are sports fans who want to get to know me is that I hate the Dallas Stars because they were here. I still remember the move like it was yesterday. Still can't quite articulate the pain and anger that damn franchise still strikes in me, but after the theft -- and it was theft -- I concluded two things: 1) for all the talk that it's a business, sports teams create a civic bond with its community because they appeal to the "family experience" in order to make money; and 2) college sports are better because they never move. For now and ever more, I consider that team the Bastard North Stars, or the Team That Was Stolen From Us, or The Team That Should Still Be Here. All of those things are true.

And yet the thing that may upset me the most is that I think I'm the only one this angry about it. I don't feel that Minnesota sports fans, let alone Minnesota Wild fans, care all that much that the history, statistics, championships and retired numbers of the North Stars aren't technically ours. They should be because we're the ones the rooted for them, for fuck's sake. And yet I don't see too many people angry about the North Stars being taken away from us the way Seattle SuperSonics fans do, or even Brooklyn Dodgers fans do (and that was a half-century ago!), or even Cleveland Browns fans do (and they actually kept all the history, statistics, championships and retired numbers, even though the 2nd version of the franchise kind of blows). Is it because hockey fans here are placated with another team that's just like the first? Is it because we Minnesotans are docile pushovers by nature? Either case is terrible and pathetic. Where's our anger? The move doesn't get less wrong as it recedes further into the past.

I say this because the Wild beat the Bastard North Stars tonight. (It was a rare good night for local teams; the Timberwolves and Twins all won, too!) And yet when I read the recaps of the game, none of them, not one article, didn't even slip in the fact that the Wild beat The Team That Was Stolen From Us. I read this and this and this, and none of them made even a mention. It was as if this was another team. WHICH IT ISN'T.

I'm glad we beat those motherfuckers. I'm glad they're doing worse than we are. I hope that entire fucking franchise goes under so we can buy back all the North Stars intellectual property at garage sale prices. But people here want to "move on" and cheer on the Wild because they're our team now. You people don't give a shit about the past? The North Stars are our history, those Dallas sons-of-bitches have it, and you're OK with that because you have shiny new team, a team that's never been good, had one fluky playoff run, won't make the playoff this year (they won't and you know it) and is about to lose the first player they ever drafted? You're gonna ditch the North Stars for all eternity for that?

Why am I the only one who cares about this?

I was going to talk about passing out this evening, but goddammit, the Team That Should Still Be Here always pisses me off like this.

Poor Bastard Of The Moment: Lazar Hayward

As I said on my previous post, this year's college basketball tournament has got to go down as one of the worst and most boring in history. Not to say that there weren't close games. How can you not have a few if you're playing 63 games? The ones off the top of my head include Oklahoma State-Tennessee, Siena-Ohio State (I saw those two after the games at the Dome wrapped up Friday night on the TV screens in the concourse; thank Buddha the ushers let us stay till the end), Gonzaga-Western Kentucky, and Villanova-Pittsburgh. However, even though they were great games all tight down the finish, they weren't buzzer-beaters, games where the final shot is in the air or hanging on the rim as the horn sounds. (A buzzer-beater is the end of the Division II basketball championship, and I'll say that that shot alone makes their tournament a much better one than the Division I tourney.)

You need four things to make a great tournament: Great players (not necessarily teams, just players), close games, Cinderella squads, and buzzer-beaters. If you don't count Arizona, a 12-seed, making it to the Sweet 16 (and I do, even though I understand the reasons why others don't), you are missing the last two ingredients, and so Big Dance '09 lacks a lot more than others. But if there was one indelible moment I will remember from this tournament is the spectacular brainfart committed by Marquette junior forward Lazar Hayward in the Golden Eagles' second-round game against Missouri. I'll assume you guys know what happened, but for those who don't, look at the video; the offense occurs at about 2:09:



I understand that in the heat of the game, when you need to get the ball in to make the shot that'll prevent the end of your season, mistakes happen. But shit, stepping on the inbounds line as you're trying to throw in the ball?

Poor bastard. Hope he gets a chance to redeem himself next year.

I'm Vaguely Disgusted With This Year's College Basketball Tournament

I turned it off and fell asleep at halftime. Many reasons: There was obviously no way Michigan State was coming back; I also saw the Twins lose their season opener at home, a bad sign of things to come; I thought the Spartans were going to make a game of it; and I kind of was rooting for the underdog to win.

But I guess what most compelled me to turn off the end to the Greatest Three Weeks In American Sport, what I believe to be the best sporting event in the country every year, is that in retrospect, North Carolina was going to win the title and I now feel I should've known that. I love playing the brackets every year, and the fact that this was by far my worst performance in years -- I had Memphis beating Gonzaga in the final, with Duke and Louisville comprising the rest of the Final Four -- if not ever left me no personal or financial stake in the matter. (Once again, thank you, Ken Pomeroy!)

Now, since I'm a fan of college basketball I should get into the tournament just as a fan. That it was a blowout probably contributed to me just turning the fucking thing off. But I have to admit something: Even though we're talking about the best battling the best, my interest in the Big Dance diminishes as it goes on because there are less games. Sure, if they're compelling (like last year's was, with Chalmers[?]) they're great. But remember the first Thursday of the tournament? You played hooky -- or in my case you woke up early to go to Hooters -- to bear witness to yet another yearly installment of the Big Dance. It comes around every spring, and it coincides around the time of my birthday, so it truly feels like the weather here in Minnesota, and I, am reborn every year. Seriously. I feel that the Tournament is something not just special, but sacred to the country. Seriously!

Not to blaspheme, but the odds are greater that that excitement will fall and even end because not only does the excitement of a new tournament wear off each round, but the freneticism of the first two days (both during the workday) are gone, replaced by fewer games to divert your attention and less of a chance that you're going to see a buzzer-beater. (And by the way, the fact that there weren't any buzzer-beaters is another reason why this year's tourney will go down as one of the most boring in history.) And by the end, on a Monday night (and is it played at 8:30 in the evening local? That means the game tonight started at 9:30 Detroit time, which means that, I'm guessing, half of the 88% of the people of Michigan who went to see the game still had jobs and thus thought "fuck it" and left to get a good night's sleep. Move up the fuckin' time already!) we had one game we were hoping that the home team would be competitive, and since they weren't, we were left groping for alternatives and finding none. Boring end to a boring tournament, sad to say. I couldn't bring myself to stick around and care.

Oh, and by the way, "One Shining Moment" is so overrated.

The Women In My Life

• This morning I woke up at 9, saw my mom wasn't stirring yet, so I fell back into my bed. My Grandmother cracked open my open door and said I should help wipe the snow off the minivan. I waved her off: "Later, I'll do it later." I really would've done it if my Mother wanted me to start the car for her. But while I was getting ready she went out and warmed up the car, so she wiped off the snow. And since it's April and the sun did shine for a bit, all the snow on top of the minvan melted by the afternoon.
• Late tonight, my sister called home. My mom talked to her first downstairs, but I took the upstairs phone and waited in my room. I can hear my Mother when she shouts up from her room, and I heard her tell me it's my turn to talk to my sister. So I turn on the phone and talk to her. But my Grandmother, being all obvious and overreactive again, starts to shout down to my hallway, repeatedly. When my parents ask for me or tell me to do something, many times my Grandmother will repeat what they say, and that always pisses me off, especially if we're all the dinner table together and my Grandmother can see that I've heard them. This time I can just see her get up from watching her Vietnamese movies in her room and immediately shout for me, like an obnoxious Siren on the rocks, and slowly walk my way just in case I didn't hear my Mother. But I usually do, and I did in this case, and I wanted my Grandmother to pipe down, so I interrupted my conversation with my sister, left my room and just yelled my Grandmother's way: "I already heard her!!!" We met at the end of my hallway just when I finished bellowing "her!!!" And she just walked away, like she was saying it's all good, either because she's really cool with me yelling at her or she's senile.
• I've even had run-ins with my Mother today, even though they've been minor. The big thing was oversleeping when I was supposed to make my KFC run tonight. I said I'd leave at 5:30, but because I was so gosh-darn tired she had to wake me up at 7. And she yelled at me to finish my dinner plate because she was about done cleaning up. (I'm a slow eater.) I didn't appreciate that, but I was kind of an ass tonight, too. Just before midnight I went downstairs and opened up the closet just outside the master bed to grab some shampoo. When I opened the door something banged against its inside. My mom's a pretty sound sleeper, but that probably woke her up. And I should stop presuming that she'll sleep through anything and abuse the wide personal space she deserves when she's sleeping. And I also feel bad for sleeping through the dinner time I promised.

Yelled At My Grandmother This Morning

Was working with my Mother for my Father while he's away. She runs off to do some shopping at some early bird specials so I fall back asleep. She opens my door about an hour and 45 minutes later asking me if I'm going with her or not. I get up, piss, get changed, grab my things and leave, all in a quick huff and with dazed eyes.

Meanwhile, we have a TV (sitting on a rolling stand) we watch while eating dinner in the dining room. It's kind of in an awkward spot: the threshold that separates the dining and living rooms. Moreover, the antenna and its two VHF antennae block the way. If you don't see it, you could run into it. I didn't see it this morning, so the damn antenna whips me on the head. Partly because I thought it could handle it but partly in anger, I push the antenna aside with my arm, but since I'm bigger than the poor, poor antenna, I knock the whole damn thing off the pedestal and onto its side on the ground.

My grandmother is at the dining table. This is not the best time for her to state the obvious like she always does. Yet she says: "Well, pick it up! Why did you push it over for?"

So I says: "You think I was just gonna fuckin' leave it there?"

She gets up and tells me to go to the minivan, where my mom's waiting. She picked it up.

Why do you have to say anything? And why do you have to joke around when I'm not in the mood for you to be joking around, or to hear you say anything?

I Owe Almost Two Grand In Taxes

Ever since I paid up my college student loans, I've owed. I had to pay big-time last year, too. The culprit is unemployment, of which I don't pay withholding for.

They say that writing a check to the government this time of year is good; it means you made money. I believe in the contrapositive to get me through: If you get a refund, that means you lent the government a loan at no interest. In this case, you got all this extra money that ain't yours to make money off of. Yeah, I'll go with that.

Maybe I should go to a tax preparer, just in case. Don't see what I could do to prevent writing such a big-ass check, though. I'm bummed.

I'm In A Very Angry Mood Tonight

I keep having dreams of yelling at my Father, but he's been OK with me tonight.

I remember you, loud tall white dude with the University of Illinois hat. Sitting down in the chair right next to me at Barnes & Noble this afternoon with a loud "fwhomp!" to let everyone know you just plopped your ass down! Oh, you must've been pissed about something, with the way you noisily turned the pages in the fantasy baseball magazine you were sneak-reading. And when you were done, you acted the gentleman, put the mag on the coffee table and got up as quickly as you sat down. You got up so fast it was like you had hydraulic legs raise you up instead of using your knees, arms and torso to free you from the angry chair! And since you didn't even take your lame-ass jacket off, you had no reason to say and chit-chat with us dirty peons. No, I saw you dart and slalom your way through the aisles to the front door, as if you totally forgot your fantasy baseball research.

And when a sweet, nice woman came five minutes later to sit in the seat your ass occupied, I noticed you left her a special gift on the chair: A balled-up used napkin! Just for her?! Why, you don't even know her! What a sweet, conscientious asshole you are!

Just went to my favorite strip club. Three of my ATF's were there. Could only get lapdances from two of them. Who to choose?

Not one of them got a dance from another guy, so the choice wasn't made for me, dammit.

So I got dances from none of them. I just left with money in my wallet.

I wonder if any of them will get any dances tonight. I just figure that I won't be the one deciding who's going to get the better night.

Guess that's the best way for me to keep balance in the world.

I'm going to hell.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Minnesota State-Mankato women's basketball (New!). Congratulations to the Mavericks, who beat Franklin Pierce to win the Division II National Championship. It was a very impressive season for the Lady Mavs, which one the first b-ball title in program history. They finished with a record of 32-2, and both losses were in overtime. What may be more impressive is that their coach, Pam Gohl, is technically an interim head coach. The woman she replaced, Lori Fish, got the same job at St. Cloud State. She feels pretty stupid now, huh? Meanwhile, Gohl should get fuckin' paid for what she did, and for getting the Division II Coach Of The Year Award too. Tournament MVP and high scorer of the game was Heather Johnson, with 29 points. Check out her bio: Not a bad looker! Again, congrats for showing the big school in the state how to actually fucking win!

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: 0). When a small regional school wins a championsip, you're pretty far down any list regardless. But even record-wise there are the Lady Mavs ... and then there's every other Twin Cities sports team. The Gopher ballers split with Indiana over the weekend; like most series in college baseball, one game (in this case the finale on Sunday) was rained out and cancelled. Much more awful was Wednesday's loss to Northern Iowa at the Metrodome because they pissed away a 6-1 lead in the sixth inning and lost 9-7. And yet somehow they remained ranked at #25 for the third week in a row -- even though they got jumped in the polls by Ohio State -- so that's the reason they rank above all the others in this pile of suckitude. They commence with the home portion of their Big 10 schedule with three against Ohio State -- and since these will also be at the Dome, there will be no rainouts.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -1). The only salvation for the Wild apologists: In the NHL, no one's really ever out of the playoff chase. Breathe in, breathe out. Hold onto to that, ass-kissers, because every other Wild fan who actually thinks thinks these guys are done. A 1-2 record is nothing but bad news for a team that needs to climb over three others to just make the playoffs. One of those losses was a not-a-loss overtime loss to Vancouver Tuesday, the main question coming out of that being the benching of Marian Gaborik on the 4-on-3 Wild power play that began overtime. He definitely should've been on the ice -- he's been on fire ever since he's been able to, you know, contribute to the team -- but I blame Niklas Backstrom for allowing the easy game-winning slapshot by Henrik Sedin more than anyone. It's over for the Wild, and there should be some serious scrutiny over what I've heard called on sports-talk radio here "The Ultimate Build Job." But just in case, this week they play thrice: Friday they host Calgary, Sunday afternoon they visit Detroit in a game broadcast nationally on NBC; and on Tuesday they host the Bastard North Stars. If you're not going to make the playoffs, Jacques Lemaire, then do me a favor: Get Derek Boogaard to beat the shit out of those Dallas thieves, please?

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). It's not like there's been a great time out there to take the home page of all the sports website on the Internet (although I guess Tubby's Gophers men's basketball team was kind of close), but has there been any news about the Woofie Dogs since Big Al was shut down for the season? Not that I think there should, but it's really as if this was 1988 and there was no NBA franchise here, and it's eerie. So, for those of you who don't know, these guys also went 1-2. Embarrassing blowout losses at Cleveland and home to Dallas were sandwiched around a win against New Jersey. In an effort to get this season done as quickly as possible, the Wolves have four games on tap this week, even though only one (Denver Sunday evening) is at home.

Let me add this, in case I haven't said this in a previous survey: This is possibly the worst draft in decades. There is Blake Griffin, and then there's everybody else. (MSU-Mankato:Blake Griffin::everybody else available in this year's NBA Draft:everybody else on this week's Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey.) Unless you get the first pick, Fred Hoiberg -- and knowing this franchise's damned luck when it comes to the lottery -- trade the goddamn thing. It ain't worth it.

#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -2). Unlike the three losers ranked ahead of them, the local lacrosse team did not go 1-2 for the week. No, they lost their only game this week, 13-10 at home versus Calgary Saturday, so they bring up the rear this week. Thankfully, they are still clinging onto the fourth playoff spot in the West Division (assuming the top four teams in each divison do make the playoffs, and I could be wrong). It's a pivotal week for them; they are playing the two teams hunting them down for that spot. They visit San Jose, which is only a half-game behind, Friday night, and then host Edmonton, which is a full game behind, at the X Saturday night.