Shit is changing right now. A lot. It's not just this, although it's the most important. I feel bad because this should be a cause for celebration. But it's not. And I feel bad about it because I'm being selfish about it. It makes no sense, but I can't help what I feel, I just can't.
Meanwhile, I am out of another joe job again. The scoring season apparently is over. I have to wait until March at the earliest. However, I am concerned that my supervisor for the last project I was on, which ended Wednesday, so disapproves of my sloppy scoring that I will no longer be asked back. What the fuck? It's just field testing. I'm not holding students back a grade or anything.
So the employment that has buoyed me for the past 4+ months -- shit, I've been doing full-time for that long??? -- is over, and now it's back to living on The Knife's Edge. Couldn't stand it before, but I definitely don't need this shit now, not with the world I know collapsing all around me.
Man, what can't we just be, you know? We don't have to look for work that we hate for money that we have to spend to get the things that make us happy. No waking up to work for The Man. No worry about how you're going to pay to get your car fixed. No fear about what Life is going to take from you. No crying over change. No lies from The Real World about investing in an education, only to see you still without a job because there's no job or money. We just live, and we don't need to be scared about the consequences.
I am scared, man. I really am. Not just for finding employment that pays, or going back to school to find something that'll sustain me, even though it's probably a lie. I cannot rely on what I once knew to be true. No, I am not brave, and no, I cannot embrace change. I repel it because I hate it because it represents a concession to a new state of being that is less than what I waited so long for. And if it is gone, I am not one of those carpe diem motherfuckers who just finds something new to do, and somehow easily finds a new equilibrium. I lament for the life I once knew, and I will be sad for a long, long time. Leave me alone, that is the way I am. And that won't change.
I will say this. I ran into a good friend tonight who's going through some shitty change of his own. His troubles put mine to shame, admittedly. However, two things on that. First, ultimately, we must face our problems on our own. I totally feel for him, and I told him that if he needs anything to let me know and I would totally try to help. But we can't truly share each other's pain, we can only lend shoulders to cry on. And second, I don't want to say, "Well, at least I don't have his problems." That's wrong. That's bullying, putting other people down to make yourself feel better. So I want to be a good friend and be sober about our current situations, and just concentrate on my own predicament. And cry.
I hate my life right now. Just hate it.
Change sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment