My God, I am having such a bad fucking day today. This should have been great -- a dreary, overcast day, my cold is mostly gone, my supervisor and I are chatting it up about football -- but goddamn, this day was shit.
How? Two things. This morning I forgot to take my bottle of water to work. That happens, but what makes this morning worse is that I actually took this bottle out of the refrigerator before I left with the intention of remembering to take it with me to work, and I totally fucking forgot. I was so wrapped up with making sure all the lights were off on my car in the garage that by the time I went back upstairs, I just bolted for my parents' minivan and left the bottle on the new kitchen counter.
All day at work I could imagine that bottle, surface condensing as the water warmed to room temperature, sweating its contents through the plastic and onto the counter below. I remember someone putting a cup whose bottom wasn't cleaned on our piano bench a long time ago, and I just watched it sit there for hours, and at some point someone picked it up and there was this ring stain on the bench because the coffee (?) bubbled up the varnish from the bench. That's what I thought would happen as the bottled water just sat there where I placed it for nine fucking hours.
Fortunately I just got back home and put the bottle back in the fridge, and there was no stain underneath. Behold the power of granite, perhaps.
What is worse, however, is gas. I was below a quarter-tank on my folks' car, and I wanted to hold off on filling it up until I got back from work today. But somehow I fucking convinced myself that I should just do this just after midnight, before I went to bed. A bunch of stupid goddamn things went into the mistaken decision: I was all flipping out over the fuel pump overheating in the minivan, much the same way I think that has happened to my car (even though I have no clue if that's really the case because I ain't no fucking mechanic); I didn't want to use my credit card or participate in any monetary transactions today (even though I technically used my credit card on Tuesday to fill up my tank of gas after midnight); and I talked myself into believing that the price of gas will go up if I waited a day.
Well, guess the fuck what? Coming home I see all the gas stations in town have dropped their price of gas by a dime a gallon. I thought I had a bargain with the 10 cent-off coupon I used last night; combined with Double Coupon Tuesday and an extra three cents-per off for rewards club members, I saved myself about $3.75. But it turns out that I in fact wasted more than $1.60 because I just couldn't fucking wait my ass to fill this up until today.
Goddammit, I so hate myself right now. I freak out over imaginary things, I make the wrong decisions, I respond to bad things happening by making more bad things happen, and I just forget shit. What the hell is wrong with me?
I have to punish myself. That $1.60 extra I spent on gas I have to make up somewhere. I just don't know why things continue not to break my way. I am always stepping over myself, always making mistakes. I can't take it anymore.
I need to pass out. Forget all of this, at least for a while.
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