Didn't reach 300 today either. I'll be honest: I didn't take it seriously today. And since I didn't reach the mandated goal, I guess I have to fucking take it seriously.
I'm screwed.
I was close yesterday. I was OK today, too. But there was a bunch of shit that happened to slow me down. Maybe I shouldn't've taken those public packets; fuck 'em, I need to do the private ones. Maybe I shouldn't've corrected those files my boss gave back to me. It would help if I didn't need to learn other shit and just did the things I could do. But, here I am now, under the gun.
What is weird is that I know it in my head, but not in my heart. Logically I'm thinking, OK, if I don't hit the magical 300 tomorrow (actually more like 5 1/2 hours from when I type this), I'm in big trouble -- assuming my fate hasn't already been sealed. But my heart is nowhere near as stressed out as I was around this time last year, when I was pretty pissed as I was looking down the barrel of said gun. Emotionally I am as lackadaisical as I was today, when I didn't even check my progress once.
You want me to hit that fucking 300? You want me to tell you how I can hit that fucking 300? Give me a huge stack of easy private claims, filled with people with the same insurance who already have a fucking record so I don't have to put it in. Then leave me alone -- no more training, no explanations, just leave me the fuck alone. Then you can have that goddamn 300. He continues to believe that it's easy. Unless the planets are fucking aligned (or you just fucking cheat), it's goddamn impossible.
And the worst thing is I don't believe I could have worked any faster. It was not like I was slacking off, either today or the day before. I work hard, man, really hard. And it's still not enough?
So I undercut myself by going to a Saul Williams spoken word performance (intriguing, although I must say I really like the opener, Guante) and give myself no sleep. Gives me a good reason to try that two-year-old Red Bull; let's see how awake I'll be! And I'll probably have to give up my lunchtime nap. In fact, I've decided I'm going to wake up and get in early so I can start as soon as possible. If it's before 7, so be it. And no, I won't ask for overtime. I'll just behave as desperately, as bitterly and as angry as possible. All so I can reach that magical 300.
Except that I probably won't. By this time tomorrow, I'm afraid I will be out of a job.
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