So, the last thing in the refrigerator that my parents left for me are two pizzas, both about a foot in diameter, that did not have instructions. That was part of the reason why I hadn't gotten around to eating these pizzas until now, but I called them a couple weeks ago, and I decided that it was time to clean out the fridge.
The first pizza I ate last (Thursday) night was, I think, the buffalo chicken. I preferred that over what appears to be the meat lovers' pizza that was the other one, even though I like meat lover's more, because I wanted to see if the instructions I was given by the pizza company representative -- top rack, 425 degrees, for 20 minutes -- would actually work; any mistakes I would hopefully learn for the "better" pizza. It was good, even though I think it was cooked through after 14 minutes.
But it was a lot. I tried putting down whole pizzas that big by myself before, as in during my thirties, and it's a tough slog. But I still think myself as the man I was in, well, college, and in my twenties, and my metabolism was still high enough that I could plow through the whole thing with no trouble. My parents know that I am older, and Mother suggested that I thaw the pizza, slice it in half, and just eat the other half for dinner. That halving seems too complicated for me, however, so I just shoved the whole thing into the oven, and after it got cooked, I shoved the whole thing in my mouth.
I did eat it all, and really, it wasn't as difficult as it was on some other occasions. Where I really feel it in my old age is the morning after, when I'm shitting the waste from the pizza. Man, this morning it was coming out of me like I was having diarrhea. Once I was done (and from the way my stomach is feeling, I may not be done), I looked back into the toilet and was impressed by my, um, production. But man, that didn't feel good, and my stomach isn't in the best shape.
Did I feel that way when I ate that much in my twenties? I don't remember -- maybe, maybe not. But this should be a sign that I shouldn't eat a whole foot-in-diameter pizza in one sitting anymore because I really can't take it and I am now, probably, really, really fat. But there is one more pizza in the freezer, and I have to eat that. Probably this time next week. The Thursday Night Football game is The Bastard Chicago-By-Way-Of-St. Louis Cardinals hosting the Vikings, and I'll be able to see it on free TV. Might as well eat a pizza -- a big, whole pizza, by myself!!
(ETA at 11:22 p.m. on Friday, December 4 that I realize that I have the lyrics for "Creep" that I put into the title of my blog post wrong. Technically, it's "Well I'm half the man I used to be," not, "I'm not half the man I used to be." I like my version better, but tit's incorrect.)
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