I still can't get over the fact that she was promoted in a project two weeks after starting. Again, I am not jealous that she got this job over me. You cannot be jealous that another person took a job that you didn't know was being offered. (I have to keep saying this: My problem is that this job was even given after we started this whole damn thing.) And I still remember just staring at her for a good three-to-five seconds after she gave me this paper. And like I said before, I was thinking, "Who the hell are you to give me this paper?!" And yes, I meant that in a mean way.
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I have to confess though, if I haven't said this already, and if I have, I can't say it enough: She has a bangin' body. She wears tight clothing, usually sweaters and jeans. I don't think she dresses provocatively. I understand that a lot of women hate to wear loose clothing. I get that; sometimes I feel like the baggy clothes I'm wearing make me cook inside and force me to knock shit over.
But, I have to say, that tight clothing reveals the contours of her body. And, yes, she has a very nice ass and a nice rack. When she was a mere (and appropriate) grunt just like me I always turned my head and snuck a peak at her boobs covered by her sweater. It was one of the perks of my day.
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This week, after I broke the news that I was quitting, I kind of felt bad, even guilty for doing so. But she continues to go up to the printer, and it continues to bother me. Every time I see her (and, to be fair, the two other people who undeservedly were elevated to the job just a couple weeks ago) partake in this supervisory task, I feel like they're rubbing it in my face. All I can think of is, "How dare you do that! You should be down here, with us!!" It's gotten so bad that I have to literally put my hands to the side of my face, like blinkers on a racehorse, so I can concentrate on reading the essay in front of me while not being distracted by this injustice I see in my peripheral vision. That shit is driving me fucking nuts, so now I think it's a great thing that I'm leaving.
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But I must confess that one time yesterday, while she was waiting to get a printout, I looked through off to the side. She was standing, of course, and her clothing was tight, and I noticed, for the first time in this entire project, she had an hourglass figure. I mean, she's pretty petite, but her torso tapers at a v-shape to her waist. I know she's got a body under that shirt, but now I wonder if she works out or even builds her body. If she wears a bikini and would post it on Facebook (assuming she has a Facebook), I'd be like, Holy God. There are bikini bodies, and they're all good, but hers could be better than all of them.
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What continues to bug me about her is that she remains very insular. I don't like my immediate supervisors to be so disengaged. But oftentimes she seems to do the very bare minimum at her job, which are passing out statistics, giving people the designated test papers we score incorrectly, and answer any questions we have about the essay in front of us. I don't interact with her for that last task because, again, I do not think she knows more about this particular question than I do. Nevertheless, you have to be more of an extrovert at this position, and you kind of need to put yourself out there to the people you are directing.
Instead, once we hit breaks, she is one of the first out the door. And I see her texting a lot during breaks too, which, I'm sad to say, looks unprofessional to me. I admit that I may have contributed to what I consider is her chilly mien because of that stare I gave her in her first official duty. But maybe she doesn't understand what it takes to actually do this job when she was given it. Maybe some proper training (just two or three days before this whole project began is all I ask) would be enough for her to be instructed on how to communicate to her employees, which is absolutely vital to someone in her position. Or, maybe the people who actually control this fucking project should actually wait to see her (and the other two) behave as test scorers before determining that, yes, she and the two others have the chops to be promoted. How they got this job, man, it's so fucking stupid.
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I continue to stare at her, but not in any consternation. At least not anymore.
After I calmed down and realized that even though I don't respect her authority, she is my authority figure and I do need to respect the chain of command (although a lot of me calming down has to do with finding another job/escape hatch out of this rabbit hole of a project), I noticed something else about her when I had to talk to her: She has striking eyes.
I have caught myself, in fact, staring at them when I talk to her. But I didn't know exactly what color they were, and I had to know. But how to do that without being creepy and just staring at her? First I fought that urge to stare because I really had a question to ask her, but finally I had to know. So, when I broke the news that I was leaving, I paused, partly to gather my words, but partly to see what color her eyes were. And I think I can say, without a doubt, that they are blue -- light blue, a shade of blue that you wait to get colored in with a darker shade of blue. I wouldn't say that her eyes are vivid, but they nonetheless are ... uncommon and ... breathtaking, like you could get dive in them, like you don't mind making up questions to ask her just so you can stare at them again, like I did yesterday/Wednesday (even though my request wasn't completely artificial; I did want to see alternate statistics).
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I have to bring myself back down to reality. The whole story is that she was just doing her thing at the beginning of this whole mess, then someone in a position of authority told her, "Hey, you're good -- we're going to give you a promotion over all your now former co-workers immediately!" and she was like, "I get a bump up in my pay, right? Well, then, sign me up, chief!" and she's just cashing in the checks like it's no big deal.
Her nonchalant attitude may be a product of her coming into this as a test scorer and not thinking it had to change. But I have to pump my brakes: She couldn't give two shits about me or this project. She's just doing this to bide time before, like, law school or her elementary education master's program, or something. I'm just a speck in her dismissive eye. I won't be able to get revenge on the job she waltzed in and got because she'll be gone this time next year for something better. And if not, she'll have an all-important chit on her CV for this company after, if what I had overheard was true, her very first assignment with them -- something I still don't have after six seasons. Fucking bullshit.
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And yet ... I want her approval. Goddammit, I want her to notice me. Not my rage, but my need to please her, and I don't mean that in a sexual way. That's why I wanted those extra statistics. And that's why I am getting candy for the entire room -- just to see her smile as she takes a piece of candy that I bought, just like when she took one of the donuts I bought for the room a couple weeks ago.
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Nah. Probably won't smile. Probably doesn't like chocolate; haven't seen her eat one yet. And I really only saw her eat a piece of the donut. For all I know she threw the rest of it away.
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