Last night I spent 13 hours at work. I did that last night, and will do that tonight, partly in an effort to not eat so much during dinner. (There's the fact of overtime, too, of course.) I also, despite thinking that I should break it, vowed to not spend money last night. And I didn't. That helped me not eat as much food as I could. Besides, I had a lot of free food that I saved up precisely for times like this. Still, I had yogurt, a banana and a cup of lime water in the morning, Cheese-Its and a can of Coke in the afternoon, and coffee, Christopher Elbow chocolates, Hershey's Kisses, and half a bottle of water to tide me through the evening. Many little things that added up to me not feeling fat while not feeling hungry.
But then I got home and, I felt hungry. Just a tad, and in retrospect I knew I could power through it, but I had these hunger pangs. And so I made myself a big bowl of cereal, with slices of banana all over it.
I thought I would be OK, fat-wise. But in not spending money yesterday (Tuesday), I allowed myself to purchase food today (Wednesday) for my long night here. And I kind of made up for yesterday. For breakfast I bought this bacon, cheese and egg sandwich. Had a cup of watermelon water (and by the way, I don't know if this fruit-infused water is any different from just water.) Bought myself a mocha because I thought I needed the extra caffeine. For lunch, because its "Deli" section will be closed ... tomorrow (Thurday) or Friday, I bought a whole turkey sandwich with aioli and washed it down with a Coke. Then I bought a salad that I am going to eat tomorrow for lunch, because I don't plan on using my money tomorrow/Thursday. And that doesn't count the coffee I'm still drinking and the banana I haven't touched.
As soon as I opened up the foil on that sandwich I became conscious of my gut. My God, I've been stuffing my face every single hour of my day here. I have no self-control. I starve myself in order to splurge on myself, and then some (which is worst of all) in order to reward myself for sacrificing myself. Which I don't; I'm probably tipping 180 pounds if I dare go on a scale.
Holy crap, what is wrong with me? And you know what? After all this, I'm going to go to Arby's and try that Three Cheese Steak Sandwich. I won't need to; I have all the calories I need, all probably by lunchtime. But I'm doing it anyway.
I'll watch myself tomorrow. Hell, that's what I always say.
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