OK, so at the donut place I go to often there is usually this guy there. Cool guy -- young, tall, glasses, a mustache pretty thick and advanced for someone his age. I'm guessing he's gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. We've seen each other so often that we give each other this "Hey, it's you!" look whenever I walk through the door. It's good to have familiarity with people at a place, and it is the reason I try to go there on a regular basis, even though I haven't done so in the past two weeks.
What I usually do when I'm there is to get one donut, called the Night Moves (it's a fantastic donut; I love the jam and the graham cracker crumble, but what's best about it is the cake donut itself) and pour-over coffee. It takes some time to make, the coffee, mostly because someone has to, uh, pour it, but I like the taste of it, and I appreciate the barista taking a few minutes away from a line that oftentimes gets extremely busy to do it (oftentimes it is him, although he usually works with at least one other front-of-the-house person).
What I usually do after I get my donut and coffee is sit down and immediately scarf down the donut. That's before I get the pour-over, so I have nothing for the coffee to wash down. Plus, I'm still hungry usually, plus I want another of their tasty donuts. So I get up and get another donut. Well, I've gone there so often that when I go there, he and a couple of the other people who regularly work there give me that second donut for free, assuming that it's not one of the really premium donuts they offer. It happens more times than not. As I said, it's good to have familiarity. And I am honored to have bought/earned that privilege. And I signal that thanks by throwing in a buck for a tip anyway.
But then something happened a few weeks ago that kind of threw me off. I went down there, he was working there, I got my usual ... and he said it's on the house. Not the second donut, but the first donut. What?! And the pour-over coffee too, which is $3.50?!?! The whole thing?!?!?!
And I'm like ... wow. I stammered out a thanks. And then I opened up my wallet. Not pulling out a $10 or $20 to pay for the whole thing threw me off. And honestly, the first thing I thought of was, "Well, if I'm getting this for free, I'm not going to give so much in tip because that would defeat the purpose of getting something for free!" And I swear my fingers were trembling as my mind was trying to figure out how much money to give. I finally put into the tip jar three singles: One buck each for the donut and coffee, and another dollar just in case. That's how my mind works: As soon as I get something free, I become a miser and look out for spending as little as possible.
I really enjoyed getting that for free, and I truly enjoy getting a second donut for free. But the reason I got those second donuts for free is that I bought that first donut and coffee. That is the relationship I have established with the business for whom this really cool dude works for. Honestly, I am kind of weirded out by this change. Is this going to happen from now on? If so, I think I'm going to rob this business blind. What's worse, though, is if he doesn't do it the next time. I'll probably think that he doesn't like me anymore. I mean, what else am I supposed to take from yanking away the privilege of getting a donut and a pour-over coffee for free?
And there's one other thing, and I hope to God you guys don't take this the wrong way. I wonder if this guy likes me. I mean, likes likes me. I'm pretty sure I give out a straight vibe, but maybe I don't, or maybe he doesn't care. I feel so dumb for thinking this, but I don't know for sure: Is it possible I have been given all this food for free because ... OK, I'm not saying that he wants to date me or anything like that ... I'm saying that he ... is he just ... fond of me in a way? You know? Huh?
If that's the case, I'm in a bind. If I do anything to break that, by not tipping, or not tipping enough, or not showing up (which I may have been doing since I haven't been there in two weeks), will he get upset, and would that then spur him to take back the free food he offers me? But if I continue to accept his free food, will that mean that he thinks I, you know, like like him too, and that'll mean that we'll spend more time together? I like the guy, but not in that way, so I don't want to give him the wrong impression. And yet I wonder if accepting this free food, which got real serious the last time I saw him, is giving that wrong impression.
But I am going to go to this place this weekend, just in case my absence ends any chance of getting any more free food. Then again, I run the risk of ... uh, rekindling the ardor of the donut guy. Or maybe not; maybe I'm both overestimating my skills as a lothario and insulting a guy just because he's gay. Oh, fuck, I don't know what to do. I just want to eat a donut for as cheaply as possible, OK?
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