That's It -- I Am Just Unemployable

So the axe fell Wednesday afternoon.  I knew it was bad, so I avoided looking at it until this evening, when I was alone, in my bed; otherwise it would've affected my production at work and my conversations with my parents.

Human Resources, the person who administered my first interview, sent me this bullshit message that had the balls to have the false subject line: "Thank you for interviewing with us!"  So we all know what comes next: "We decided to move forward with another candidate."

I don't know how in the fuck I lost this job.  I was in the department the past two seasons, for God's sake!

Maybe I'll expound on that when I have a more level head and feel like I want to devote more time to writing about this.  But right now I feel so fucked over.  Goddammit, I'm 41 years old and I still have yet to have a full-time job with benefits.  It's high time I do.  It's past high time.  And I thought this was a slam dunk, I really did.  That I didn't get makes me feel that I blew it some how, and so I feel very, very bitter about it.

Wonder if there is a reason, justified or unfair.  I don't interview well; maybe my answers weren't as good as they should have been; maybe the person who interviewed me questioned my commitment, or worse, my integrity.  Maybe it's all of the above, to which I tried my best to answer honestly while also insisting that I'm the right person for the job.  Guess they didn't see it that way.

At this point I don't know if I'll ever land a "real" job.  So this leads me to believe that I am just chronically and permanently unemployable.  Whatever I do, whatever skills I demonstrate, whatever commitment I have given to a company and its employees, however much time I have spent, it's not enough.  I've tried as much as I can, and it's obviously not enough.  And now, assuming that they'll want me back for the season -- they want me as a boytoy but not as a husband -- it'll be so goddamn awkward walking around the floor and seeing the person who rejected me.  I mean, how can I stay with this company in a situation like this?  Why in the hell should I even go back at this point?  Things are so toxic that maybe I should just move on, to the next temp job, to further burnish my reputation as somehow that can't or won't hold down a job.

I feel so self-destructive now.  I really do.