So before I left work Monday I asked my boss about the possibility of taking a vacation in May. I did not tell her I had already booked a flight to Denver. Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I got a reply from her. She said that there would be no impact from me taking a vacation in a month's time. They are not hurting for hands, so if I wanted to leave then, it wouldn't impact my department.
However ... she talked further about workflow, and my future there. Her intention is to keep me till the end of May/Memorial Weekend. But she said that some of the things I've been asked to do I won't need to do anymore, and she implied that if the work isn't there, I might not make the beginning of summer. She will have a further understanding of what else I can do by Friday.
And that already scares the shit out of me. I trust her, and take her assertion that she doesn't know how it's going to go for me yet at face value. But I have a bad feeling about where all of this is headed. I had said that I might not be around in two weeks, and when she said that, that became a definite possibility.
You know why? I don't have much else to do. On Monday, the mail basically knocked me out for the day. But that was Monday, when weekend mail piled up. There was much less on Tuesday. I had one other task I could do, but I could tell that if I worked at 100% it wouldn't last me till the end of yesterday, so I slow-played it (well, as much as I could in my open space). I indicated to my boss that this other task was all I got, and I don't know if it'll last me today until the mail comes in. And if the mail is fairly manageable today as well, then what do I do? And if there is nothing else, well, what am I doing there?
The anxiety of unemployment hit me like a hammer again yesterday. I was unfamiliar with it for so long, and yet once it smacked me I thought, "Oh, hello, old friend." I checked my accounts to see that I don't have as much money as I should. I've been thinking about checking the online want ads. I'm wondering if I can latch back onto the test scoring places this late into the season. I'm scared of not having a job and not having one lined up. And if I'm back out on the street, I can't get unemployment because my parents are here and they'll know that I'm back on the dole. (At least I can tell the county and state I'm unemployed again so I'll have free health insurance again.)
It's becoming tiresome to look for yet another job. Possibly the accomplishment, such as it is, I'm most proud of last year (besides seeing Grandmother before she died) is not getting unemployment even one week. It looks like that I may have to if I want to, you know, live. That's depressing, and humiliating, and I'm trying my hardest to forestall that fate.
So yeah, going to Denver next month is out ... unless the only job I can find is at the test scoring place and it starts in June. (Just as an aside, it would actually make more sense if I lose my current job sooner than later. That would open up the possibility that I would be able to catch onto a scoring project in time rather than be ineligible because it already started.) In the meantime, the job at this health insurance place that a co-worker of mine tried to hook me up with came open Monday. I had worries that this would not be the right fit for me, but right now, I'm so glad I applied for it this evening. And now I hope I get it and avoid the anxiety of trying to find and latch onto another job, another paycheck, another vine I have to swing to in order to, you know, live.
Things are just falling apart, again, and I'm scared, again.
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