#0: Gopher men's gymnastics (FIRST TIME EVER!!!). I am going to change it up a little and reward not only the top spot but the uncommon distinction of a non-negative number to a team that I have never covered before. In fact, I am recognizing the University of Minnesota men's gymnastics team even though they didn't win shit.
However, in this weekend's NCAA Championships, the Golden Gophers finished second, to Oklahoma, for the team title. They have yet to ever win it, but it's the fourth time in school history they finished second, even though it's the first time since 1990. I remember back in the nineties, I think, that men's gymnastics and the golf teams (both genders?) were named by the U. to be cut in order to balance the athletic department budget. They were saved through fundraising and a model that (and I could be wrong) makes that program partially privately funded now. If that's the case, I don't know how that doesn't make the program just a privately-funded team as opposed to a varsity school funded by the university, but no matter. Congratulations on the runner-up finish, guys! I am genuinely happy for all of you!
#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1). I did not know this: With the weekend sweep of Nebraska (the most impressive of which was Friday's 10-1 victory in only Five Innings), the Golden Gophers have won their last 25 games at Cowles Stadium. That's good. Have no idea if that gets them into tournament conversation, however.
Winter is finally dead and yet its effects still reverberate. Last week's midweek Doubleheader versus Wisconsin had been cancelled, but it's been rescheduled for Wednesday. The team then heads off to Purdue for a trio over the weekend.
#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2). Congratulations to the baseball Nine; D1baseball.com, a website I'm not familiar with, put the Gophers in their Top 25 last week. On top of that, they put the U. in their bracketology as a two-seed!
The squad's poll standing and lofty projection may have taken a hit this weekend against Iowa. Well, first of all, I have to point out that because of conditions to Siebert Field, the first two games of their three-game series against the Hawkeyes were moved to Target Field, which was possible because the Twinks were getting their asses handed to them by the Bay Rays in Tampa, Fla. Sweet! They won Friday, 4-3 and Saturday, 3-0, and they should have stayed at Target Field, because they were able to play at Siebert yesterday/Sunday afternoon and they lost, 5-3, which snapped their winning streak at nine games (not counting cancelled and suspending games, of course). I really do wonder if that loss has an outsized effect on the team's chances of making the tournament.
The Gophers were supposed to play South Dakota St. Tuesday, but it was postponed due to field conditions as a result of "inclement weather." That game has been put back on the schedule for this Wednesday at Siebert. The team then travels to Ohio St. for a weekend series.
#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). In a horrible screening week for the local pro teams, it's the NBA squad that is giving us fans the most hope. And all of that stems from one freakin' game.
I still think The Bastard San Diego Rockets will kill the T-Wolves, but at least for now, let's just bask in that Game 3 win Saturday night, shall we? I was at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition), and while peeping at the strippers I saw the T-Wolves slice and dice their way through a Rockets club that, to be fair, was sort of mailing it in. The Timberwolves looked poised and engaged. Better yet, they were actually making shots -- from behind the arc, too! Look, Derrick Rose looks like a good player with two decent legs!! And the players don't seem to be tired at all!!!
This is the team that Wolves fans expected all year. This was the team that was until about six weeks ago. A team that has sucked for so long accrues talent that, assuming nothing goes haywire, will manifest itself into playoff wins like the one Saturday night. It's not just natural; it's expected. And yes, it was glorious to see this franchise win a playoff game for the first time since 2004.
Can they win another Game? Can these guys make this a series? Can they -- dare I say it -- win? If they can take Game 4 tonight (Monday night), expect to hear the "Rockets are choking" hot takes. (Also, if they win Game 4, the Timberwolves would show more fight in the postseason than the Wild did.) I would still bet against it, but if James Harden continues to not show up on the road, and if somehow the Timberwolves can hold court not just in Game 4 but a potential Game 6 ... who knows?
#-4: Twins (Last Week: -3). I don't know if it was the trip to Puerto Rico. Great PR and all, and at least they split the two-game series with Cleveland, but I don't know how in the fuck you go to Tampa and get swept by a Bay Rays organization expected to lose about 100 games. Simply unacceptable. They were in first place in the division some time this week, and now, they're not. When you look back on the season, you lament series like this.
Ah, fuck it, that's all I have to say, it's late at night and I'm tired. This week: Four at Yankee Stadium, then they finally return home for three games against the Cincinnati Reds. Hmmm, the Reds ... they don't come hear all that often. Maybe I should go to a game?
#-5: United FC (Last Week: -6). OK, this shit is starting to get really old. There were writers who thought that they could escape this Cascadia two-fer (Portland last week, Seattle yesterday/Sunday) with at least one Point and maybe two Wins. People point out that both opponents were far from healthy and in a funk, and what a time to play and possibly pip wins on the road in traditionally hostile environments?
Nope! Two losses, and I say neither result was in doubt. I made it to Brit's Pub in the afternoon at the start of the game vs. the Sounders, and once Seattle went up 2-0, it was fucking over. Christian Ramirez finally got off the schneid, thank Buddha, but they still lost, 3-1. Seriously, where is the defense? Where is the link-up play? Where is the competence in getting to goal? I can forgive running around like schoolchildren at recess last year because it was an expansion year. But for crissake, there should be some goddamn improvement now, and there isn't. These two foes were there for the taking, and you skulk back home with two defeats -- and, I have to add, you now are in the midst of a four-game losing streak? I blame everybody right now.
This Saturday they're home to face Houston. I have to watch the match because I'm a season-ticketholder.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Re-Entry!). Totally forgot the big news from the previous week about this team: Lindsay Whalen is going to be the new Head Coach of the Golden Gopher women's program! And WTF!!
First, a quick word about Marlene Stollings. I remember standing next to her for a Gopher softball game just after she got hired. That's my Marlene Stollings impression. I was not terribly impressed with her first three seasons, where Rachel Banham just did her own thing and Stollings piled the whole team on her back. Carlie Wagner wasn't making a huge impression on the program, either. But this past year, it looked as though Stollings decided to diversify the offensive attack, where Wagner did not do what Banham had largely done. By getting other players to contribute, the U. became a scrappy, even dangerous team. And I felt really heartened that the team won an NCAA Tournament game for the first time in almost a decade. Things were looking up.
I have no idea what was going on behind the scenes. At first blush this looked like a move a Head Coach from a men's mid-major (or in this case a BcS school) would do: Get his (or in this case her) club into The Big Dance, win a game or two, then jump schools for a big payday. Texas Tech dangled a lot more money in front of Stollings, and she decided to move. But is there more to that? Hardcore fans decried that her teams never seemed interested in defense; was there enough disenchantment coming from boosters and Athletic Director Mark Coyle (who, to note, did not hire Stollings; she is a Norwood Teague hire) that they didn't mind seeing her walk away?
With Stollings gone, the early candidates to replace her were the same ones competing with Stollings four years ago. I would have been ecstatic if it was either Aaron Johnston, current Head Coach at South Dakota St., or Niele Ivey, Associate Head Coach and lead recruiter at NCAA Champion Notre Dame. And yet the early speculation centered around Whalen, the Hutchinson native who put the Golden Gophers, and women's b-ball in the state of Minnesota, on the map. "The 800 lb. gorrilla," The Daily Gopher and other sites called her. Would the prodigal daughter come home to guide the program she virtually created with her passing and court vision?
The answer, by God, was yes. Yes? REALLY?!?!?! I heard about listening to The Common Man on The Fan and I couldn't believe they actually pulled it off. But how? And more importantly, why?
I will say this right now: The hype surrounding the thought of Whalen becoming HC at Minnesota astounds me. The biggest and most obvious reason: She. Has. Never. Been. A. Coach. Period. Never a Head Coach, ever an Assistant. And now she's going to pilot not only a school but a BcS school? And you think she's just going to step in and flourish? There have been so many writers who think Whalen could just walk off the court and onto the sidelines and not miss a beat. I have no idea what the fuck they're thinking. She has not recruited, she has not instituted practices, and she has never been asked to instill discipline and punishment. Hell, Whalen hasn't been certified to recruit yet, has she?
And on top of that, SHE'S STILL PLAYING! Her contract allows her to play for the Minnesota Lynx this year ... and there's a chance that she might do so the year after that, too! She will literally be on the court during the time of year where Geno Auriemma and Muffet McGraw will be visiting recruits' homes -- something, by the way, Whalen has yet to do. And all those writers who think she can just step into the HC role also think she can just saunter into a house, say "Hi, I'm Lindsay Whalen," and high schoolers will just sign on the dotted line. Those high schoolers were elementary school kids -- if not toddlers -- the last time the U. went to the Final Four. And just because the Point Guard on that team is now Head Coach means kids from the state are just dying to sign with the U.? Especially when that HC is actually playing and not doing her job?? You've got to be fucking kidding me!
The only reason Coyle decided to hire Whalen is Public Relations. I thought the squad's NCAA run was enough of a shot in the arm, but Coyle apparently didn't think so. He actually believes that the name recognition of Whalen will be enough for people to come to Williams Arena, and for Minnesota players to stay in Minnesota. In truth, we have absolutely no idea whether this will work.
Look, the best-case scenario for the head coaching career for Lindsay Whalen is Dawn Staley. While coaching at Temple, she played in the WNBA -- for six years and two teams! She has won an NCAA title ... with South Carolina, the second school she's coached at. That's the best Whalen can hope for, and if she follows that template, I don't know that benefits the U., and even then there are so many questions that people who think this moonshot is a great idea have not been able to answer. Good luck to Whalen and the U., but by God, this hire could go fucking flame out in spectacular fashion.
#-Infinity: Wild (Last Week: -4). Fuck this team. In fact, fuck this organization. Out of all the early-round exits this club has treated their teams with, this meek five-game departure to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers has to be the most infuriating. (Granted, I could have said this last year as well.) I open up my computer Friday to see that they were already down 4-0 after a period and I stopped caring. And I know I'm not the only one.
Let's forget the statistic that the Mild are one of only three squads to make the Stanley Cup Playoffs the past six seasons. That's a stat some low-level Media Relations n00b had to scrounge up in order to suck up to his or her boss. These guys, for all their good rigor during the regular season, was completely uncompetitive this series. Injuries to Zach Parise, sure, blah-blah-blah.
So now we have to look at the larger picture. There is a system that has been in place for several years under General Manager Chuck Fletcher, and frankly, it has gotten stale. I understand, and even somewhat appreciate, this long-term plan of signing Parise and Ryan Suter (whose season ended before the playoffs started and thus contributed to the end of the Wild's season) as tentpoles and building the team around them. But the team that surrounds them has been lacking each and every year. One stat that should have everybody fucking freaking out: The Mild were the second-oldest team in the playoffs. The window is closing. It may have already closed.
And it's downright upsetting to see the fortunes of this franchise compared to the one it just got humiliated by. When this run of good years started, The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers ... well, they were in Atlanta, for one thing, but they sucked, too. Big time. In the intervening years they got better and they leaped into the playoffs this year, where a younger, hungrier squad (led by teenage asshole Patrik Laine, who needs to get the shit kicked out of him) made the Mild their bitch. Minnesota has been steady -- steady and mediocre. The Bastard Thrashers have gone from terrible to surprising, and their trajectory is headed upward. Which team do you want to root for now?
This entire organization is in an identity crisis. You could look to youngsters like Joel Eriksson Ek and Jordan Greenway and think that the future is bright. I would believe you're fucking high. Besides Eric Staal and Jason Zucker, everyone on that team underachieved this season, and you can say that all of those underachievers are on the downside of their careers. Fletcher showed loyalty to them by signing them to long-term deals, so that makes it quite difficult to change this team on the fly. And yet doing nothing will be the worst thing this club does, because staying the course has gotten them absolutely nowhere.
This could be emotions talking, but there is nothing there, absolutely nothing. Being steady with the players they decided to sign has brought them nothing but first-round exits. That's worse than being the worst team in the league. So, I say just fucking blow this team up. Thank Chuck Fletcher for trying, but he has to go. Trade your best players for picks; trade your role players for expiring contracts. Suck for several years so you can finally get that Patrik Laine you need to actually win Stanley Cups because there ain't no one on this fucking team who can do it now. You may be in the woods for a while, and even then the strategy might not work. But doing what you're doing now isn't working, either. Anything else but this. For God's sake, anything else but this.
Oh, and get the North Stars name back, too, the name "Wild" is an absolutely shitty name.
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