#-1: Twins (Last Week: -2). A 3-4 screening Week, but in a sign of how fucking shitty every team in this fucking sports town was this Week, they get the top spot in the survey, and it's not even close. That's because they continue to do as well, or as badly, as second-place Cleveland, and so they maintain a seven-Game lead on the Guardians for the Division. The Magic Number is 7.
One person on X (I want to deadname it Twitter; it's a social media platform, not a person!) speculated that it's not beyond the realm of possibility that the Twinks could catch the American League West Division winner (whether that is Houston, Seattle or Texas) and get a bye out of the Wild Card Round. (He tweeted, or X'd, this out last/Saturday, as the Twins lost to the Chicago White Sox at Comiskey.) Maybe that miracle would help them avoid The Tampa Bay Rays, who took two-of-three from them mid-Week. But believe it or not, the Bay Rays are the last great team the Twins have to face the rest of the season, so the opportunity to roll up the victories is there. After finishing with the Pale Hose this/Sunday afternoon, they travel to Cincinnati for a three-Game series versus the Reds, who are the last good team they have to face the rest of the season (the Reds are in the thick of the National League Wild Card race) starting Monday, then come home for a weekend trio with the Ohtani- and Trout-less Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim Angels Of ... beginning on Friday.
#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -6). This is Keegan Cook's first Year, and so I have to breathe deeply, in and out, remembering that I always give mulligans to a Head Coach's first Year. With that being said, this was a tremendously disappointing screening Week. Minnesota hosted their annual Diet Coke Classic, and they split. I say it was humiliating losing to 14th-ranked Creighton in five Sets last/Saturday afternoon. (Saturday was such a piece of shit for Twin Cities teams: The Gopher volleyball team, the Gopher football team, the Twins and Minnesota United all lost. The locals went 0-4. Man, fuck this sports town.) I saw them play High Point at Maturi Friday evening, and while they rolled over the Panthers, 21-12-10, I didn't think they were good enough to upset the Goofers. But they were.
What is even more embarrassing for Minnesota is that they dropped a set to High Point. It's fucking High Point!!! But the Panthers came out from the start with guns blazing, and they took Set one on the U., 25-22. Sure, the Gophs introduced them to a little bit of prison sex from then on, 11-20-17. But still -- you dropped a Set to fucking High Point!!!
This team should drop into the teens in the rankings, and rightly so. They may not be done falling yet, either. But the non-conference schedule is over; they begin Big Ten play at Iowa Thursday.
(Note: the teams from here below went a combined 0-7 the past seven Days. Fuck this sports town.)
#-3: Gopher football (Last Week: -1). I truly believe that the advent of the College Football Playoff has finally ushered in many, many more non-conference matchups between BcS schools than the eye-rolling litany of bodybag Games that always got Septembers off to slow starts. I definitely think that for top-flight college football as a whole, and I somewhat think the same for the gridiron Gophers. Looking back on previous Years, the U. has scheduled a few teams from the soon-to-be-radically-changed Pac-12 (Colorado, Oregon St., Cal), but North Carolina? That's a new one.
In fact, I saw on Twitter the note that both schools have had football programs for over a Century now, yet had not faced each other on the field until yesterday/Saturday afternoon. Now, if you remember, they actually were supposed to play a home-and-home with The Tar Heels about a Decade ago, but then-Gopher Head Coach Jerry Kill told the athletic department to pay UNC $800,000 to buy out of the series. That was a pussy move by Kill, quite frankly. But he possibly was afraid of what actually happened: A thorough 31-13 defeat at Chapel Hill that may not have been as close as even the score indicates. The Gophs were facing Drake Maye, who some feel may be the #1 pick in next Year's NFL Draft. He threw two Interceptions and got sacked twice, but also threw two Touchdowns and for 414 Yards. Meanwhile, U. Quarterback Athan Kaliakmanis went 11-of-29 for only 133 Yards. He didn't throw a TD, but did throw one pick and was sacked once. That and one other statistics tells the story of the Game: North Carolina was 12-of-17 on Third Down; Minnesota was 3-of-12.
I do appreciate the step up in competition; they need to face more teams like The Tar Heels, not shy away from them. And as a college football fan, I like seeing other BcS teams Minnesota has never faced before in football. And bowl Games don't count, in my opinion; the Gophers have faced several SEC teams in December. But I want to see the Gophers play them in Games that count. And I want to see those fresh schools play at Huntington Bank Stadium, in a crisp, late-September setting, not in a sterile, corporate environment in Florida. By the way, The Tar Heels do come here, fulfilling our part of the home-and-home series, August 29. Maybe I'll see the UNC band at the Minnesota State Fair.
Meanwhile, the U. has a bye and then on the 30th face ... Louisiana. OK, so not all the non-conference opponents will be big ones. Baby steps.
#-4: United FC (Last Week: -4). Man, this team just fucking pisses me off. I have been told by more than one writer that according to the advanced analytics, the Loooons are a really good team. I haven't seen that much this season. And so I will go back to Bill Parcells when he admonished that, "At the end of the day, you are what your record says you are."
And the record says that MNUFC remains a shameful underachiever at home after I had to bear witness to last/Saturday night's 1-0 Loss to Sporting Kansas City, a team fighting for the postseason along with United FC. Like too many goddamn times before, the XI created chances and then couldn't finish them. Meanwhile, a late counterattack caught the Looooons slipping, and SKC scored. By the way, this Match was officiated by Tori Penso, who referred the Women's World Cup Final. I thought this was going to be a well-reffed Match; unfortunately, I don't believe it was. Right before the Goal, Reynoso was held and spun down, and Penso didn't call it. It appeared she had a "have at it, boys" attitude to the Game, and she let slide many rough plays.
However, that is no excuse for MNUFC losing a winnable Game, and now they've slipped into the 8-9 Play-In (with, as of press time, SKC). They continue to lose at home; how in the hell are you going to succeed if you play worse at home than you do on the road? I guess it's good for United FC, then, that they'll be at the Galaxy Wednesday. Unfortunately, they'll be back at Allianz Saturday to host The Best Team In The Western Conference, St. Louis.
#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -3). I'm still not sure how good or bad this squad is supposed to be. But in Erin Chastain's second (?) Year as Head Coach of this XI, there should be improvement over last Year. Granted, Michigan is a ranked club and the Match played Friday was in Ann Arbor. But I still find dropping a 1-0 decision disappointing, especially when you see that the Gophers had a baker's dozen Corner Kicks to the Wolverines' one. You couldn't get one of those in the net?
Host Michigan St. Thursday.
#-6: Vikings (NEW SEASON!). And already the season is on the brink because they played their first two Games over a span of four Days and they lost both! Yippee!!
The Loss to the Eagles in Philadelphia on Thursday was way predictable, even though I was shocked that the ViQueens pushed the spread of +6. I thought they were going to get blown out, but the Offense did spark them back into a desperate Onside Kick with about a Minute left short of tying up a Game they were getting blown out in. No, the way worse defeat was the inexplicable season opener at home vs. Tampa Bay last Sunday. They shouldn't have lost the Game to a retooling Buccaneers squad starting journeyman Quarterback Baker Mayfield.
The early weakness for this club, sadly, is Turnovers. They committed three versus the Bucs (all in the First Half) and four against the Iggles (three of which happened in the First Half). Avoid those drive-killers and there's a chance they could have won both. Unfortunately, they didn't. And Minnesota may now be following the yo-yo cycle that seemingly have been stuck in for Years now, where they get a first-place schedule because they won the Division, but they can't take the step up in class and so they miss the playoffs and get a second- or third-place schedule for the next Year, which they feast upon to a Division title and a first-place schedule the next season and ... well, you catch my drift. Anyway, I thought this team was going to get around eight Wins and max up at nine. That Defense is still leaky, and they have only proved that in failing to stop a Tampa Bay team trying to run out the clock and by getting pushed around on the ground by Philly.
I say the season is over, even though they play the third Game of it next Sunday at home versus The Los Angeles Charges.
#-7: Lynx (Last Week: -5). Yeah, this will be the next-to-last appearance in The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey for the Jynx. First, I should go back to last Sunday and note that they got crushed in the final Game of the regular season at Indiana by 15. The Fever are an improved club, but they didn't make the playoffs. Also, I want to say that the Jynx got blasted because they rested all their starters, but they didn't.
They had to, however, rest Point Guard Jessica Allen because of her broken hand. And that may be the reason the Connecticut Sun, their First Round opponent, fucking obliterated the Jynx on Wednesday in Game 1 of the WNBA postseason. Minnesota scored only two-thirds of the Sun's total, 90-60. (I should go back and regret the error I made in last Week's WMNSS whereby I just flat-out said that Minnesota would be playing Dallas. I had no idea that The Atlanta Dream would be able to sneak past the Jynx for fifth place in the league by virtue of a Win in their penultimate Game.) The Jynx committed 19 Turnovers on Wednesday, leading to 30 Sun Points. Get this: In the last three Games against Connecticut, the Jynx committed 20, 19 and 19 Turnovers. Fifty-eight TOs total.
You don't think the Sun is just gonna pressure the shit out of the Jynx again in this/Sunday afternoon's closeout Game 2? They will, and they will probably succeed, and a season that showed that this outfit had some pep to them will go down in flames because the organization still hasn't found a PG to replace Lindsay Whalen once Whalen left. And they'll be stuck probably just on the outside of The Most Loaded WNBA Draft Class In The League's History, just because the franchise decided they needed to win a little more. Well, winning a little more is all they're gonna have.
They aren't the worst team in this Week's Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey. But I know they're going to be a #-Infinity next Week. Putting them last now means the fall to the bottom won't be as hard.
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