Expenses Without Receipt

I know I shouldn't be starting/ending any EWR in the middle of a trip, but I think I should nip this in the bud and not delay doing this any longer.  Starting from Thursday, June 7:

• I had to go to a strip club while I'm here in Denver, so after looking through TUSCL I decided I would go to PT's because they say it's the best for mileage.  Didn't get that from Emerald, but she was still a sweetheart.  In fact, her grind of a dance saved me from what was a strange and lonely experience.  I cannot say I was treated badly.  I think I gave off the vibe I wanted to be left alone, and so I was.  But I don't know if that's what I wanted.  Anyway, cover and tips means that my day here totaled: $144.
• But I found a dime on the carpet of one of the stages, an Infusion of: 10 cents.
• I then went to the nearby Wal-Mart because I needed batteries for my camera and a Coke for me.  Wal-Mart takes a piece of your soul every time you walk in, but hey, their cans are only: 50 cents.
• On Monday Wednesday the 6th I started out my day going to a Caribou closer to my shrink.  Had to tease out my time there; got an oatmeal, and then an hour later I got a medium dark roast.  I needed the coffee later because I wanted to use the rest of my creamer, the stuff I didn't use while I was working, that I brought with me.  I poured it in the car.  With tip: $6.35.
• In the afternoon I went to the library to print out my airline ticket and my receipt # for the Rockies game.  Total: 20 cents.
• Monday the 4th: I went to the dentist's that day.  Had an incident where the LRT ticket vendor took my two bucks but wouldn't take my quarters, so I hopped on the train without a ticket.  I figured it took my two bucks.  Had to spend a return ticket when I went from the dentist to downtown Minneapolis, so I spent a total on transportation: $4.
• Went downtown to get my shoes shined from Lisa.  With tip: $15.
• I then went to Bogart's at the close-by kiosk for a doughnut.  Funny story: While I was walking out with my buttercreme filled, I looked across the street.  It is Metro Transit.  I had time to go in and complain about the machine that took my money without giving me a ticket.  In ten minutes I was given a free voucher for an amount I did not hear clearly.  And there was balance in the world.  What if I didn't get that doughnut?  Thank you, Bogart's!  With tip: $4.
• Sunday, June 3 ... went to Caffetto in the morning.  Got a large mocha.  Usually don't get caffeine during the weekend, but I figure I can have some on this day because I will be at the dentist, and therefore would not be having coffee, Monday.  Plus tip: $6.
• Went to the final two games of the Minneapolis Regional of the NCAA Baseball Tournament at Siebert.  As I say, there are many worse ways to spend a waking day on this earth than at the ballpark.  Coke because the lines were too long for a hot dog: $4.75.
• To celebrate the Golden Gophers winning the Regional, I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division).  You know, I think I spoke about a girl that I saw on an earlier trip being someone I lost touch with several years ago.  Well, she was working, and yes, it was that girl.  She goes by a different name now, and she may be randier than I thought she would be, judging by the type of dance she gave me!  It's like reaching back into the past and seeing someone that remind you of better days.  With tips and coffee I spent: $34.
• On Saturday the 2nd I went to the library to print out the tickets to the baseball tournament games: 20 cents.
• Finally, on Tuesday, May 29, I finally went to the new theater at the Mall of America.  Very swanky, and I liked the screen where I saw Avengers: Infinity War.  I went there because tickets on Tuesdays are only five bucks.  Also, popcorn is only four.  Drinks, however, are neither amount.  They are close to seven.  That ain't much of a steal for a Tuesday deal.  Total: $16.35.

As depressed as I am right now, I think it's time I go out and do something.

Good through June 7.

Mother Gave Me "The Talk" -- No, Not That Kind

Have to talk about this even though I'm technically vacationing now.

Went to the airport this morning -- really early this morning -- to catch my flight.  Thought both of my folks would take me, but instead, probably because it was so early, only Mother did.

I never, and I repeat never, thought that she would take the time during our trip to the airport to bring up her meltdown two weeks ago.  She kept talking about why I have a temper, and why she feels as though I don't want to communicate with them.

This was awkward, OK?  I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start another fight.  But do you know why I have a temper?  I GOT IT FROM THEM, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!  All the yelling I was raised in (mostly from Mother but Father gave as good as he got) and all the times they screamed at me?  Shit, you guys were the example I had to follow.  And I think she brought the question again of why do I treat strangers better than I treat her.  I'm sorry if I already have addressed this, but let me address it again.  First of all, that's not true, at least not mostly.  And second, the reason why I treat strangers better than I treat her is because strangers haven't threatened to beat me with a frying pain for the last 42 goddamn years.

The obliviousness is strong with this one.  However ... she didn't ask for any answers from me; I just didn't say anything.  And she did talk calmly to me; even though she oftentimes doesn't (and the fact that she doesn't realize this has been a hallmark of her bad parenting), it was kind of weird, in a good way, to hear her try to explain her side, even if she wasn't all that successful.  Maybe she took pills.

She asked me to stay in the dining room for five minutes after I finish dinner in case she needs my help with anything.  Guess I could do that.

Hottest Babe In The Hooters Calendar: May (Scheduled Post)

I just broke out this calendar.  I looked at it at the beginning of May, when I was doing the April entry, so it's been a month since I looked at this.  And I apologize for not doing this entry on the 1st, like I have been doing.  Time just gets away from you, you know?

So ... Alexis from Orlando has a hot body and nice hair, but I think she's looking the wrong way.  Kim for Port Charlotte has a nice smile.  And I like the vague come-hither look from Deanna of Hampton.

This time around, though, the girl with the big picture isn't my favorite.  I love Tiffany Gabriel out of Orland Park  Tiffany gives me a stiffany!  But I will actually go with the babe in the lower right-corner: Rachel out of Denham Springs, because her long raven hair sets off her pale skin.

So, Rachel.  Yeah!

I Haven't Packed Yet

I leave tomorrow.  In the early morning, in fact.  And I haven't packed yet, not a thing.  Got my suitcase; it was in my sister's room and I took it to my room last night, and I planned on packing things in there, but I didn't.

I have started planning -- how to get to my hotel, what things I want to do there, got tickets to a Rockies game even -- but packing?  Pshaw!

Why not?  On the one hand, it's only three days and I've done this quick vacation thing before, so I think I can wing it and procrastinate until today.  But I've got to be honest: A part of me is not looking forward to this trip.  How can one not look forward to a vacation?  Well, if there's no work waiting for him when he comes back, like me, I'm not.  I don't have a whole lot of money, and if anything, I should be home and not spending money.  But for one thing, I know I will be spending money if I were here this weekend, and for another, Southwest was running their annual deal (or deals), and I can go to Denver for about $100.  I'm a sucker for a deal, even when poor.  But should I spend money while I'm there.  Guess I will anyway, but I'll feel guilty while doing it and regret it once I come home.

See, if I can't fully enjoy myself, feel like I can do whatever the hell I want while I'm there and be OK with everything once I get back, why go?  All I will be is preoccupied with going broke and figuring out what I should do next.  That's not the mindset one should take on a vacation.  But that's mine, and I'm going anyway, prepared or not.

Too Much Goddamn Food

Since I'm out of work right now, I really don't know what the hell I'm going to do with the lunch my parents give me.  Actually, I should be grateful.  Instead of buying food I really can't afford, I have a free lunch.  But with having my days free, the pull of buying what I want is way too strong.  Maybe I don't want a free lunch; maybe I want my lunch instead.

Such is the case today.  Well, let me take this back.  To relieve the food I'm tasked to pack with me, I asked my parents not to pack a lunch for me tomorrow (Wednesday) because I told them I was going to see the doctor.  Or the dentist.  I don't remember what I told them during dinner yesterday (Monday), but I'm taking a half-day and then I'm "seeing a friend for lunch."  That's good; it gives me time to get my own thing, for once, without feeling burdened to eat something I did not choose to eat.

I did not say that for today.  To my folks, I'm working -- or at least I hope they think I'm working.  So they packed a lunch for me -- a banana, de rigeur these days, and two hard-boiled eggs, something Father had stopped doing.  Mother dyed them red for the birth of my first cousin once removed, aka my cousin's daughter.  She's a month old, so all the eggs must be dyed red.

OK.  But now I have a banana and eggs to eat … plus I want to go see RBG early this afternoon, so that of course must mean popcorn and pop … plus I am at a coffeeshop right now, where I had a mocha with a small cookie.  A part of me thinks I should have asked to "take" today "off" to balance the food I would be eating today and tomorrow.  But then, wouldn't it be weird to be taking today off to "go to the doctor's/dentist," then go back to work for a day before going on vacation?

So I am going to get really fat today from the coffeeshop and the movie and my parents, but then really lean out with just fast food tomorrow.  Oh, who am I kidding -- I'll be fat both days.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Ignoring that the Lynx are 2-5 Ignoring that the Lynx are 2-5 Ignoring that the Lynx are 2-5 ...

Positive Numbers: Gopher baseball (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  When was the last time I put the same team in Positive Numbers in back-to-back weeks?  Ever?  No, it has to be the University of Minnesota women's hockey team, right?

Anyway, congratulations go to the University of Minnesota baseball team, and program, for having, if I may say, little trouble sweeping through the Regional they hosted over the weekend and advancing past the Regional round for the first time since 1977 -- which included, I have just learned from Eric Sorenson of D1Baseball.com, current Head Coach John Anderson, who pitched on that team.

They had no problem dispatching Canisius Friday.  Then, battling through a few rain delays (there goes that "inclement weather" crap that's infected us all spring) and a marathon match against UCLA, they outlasted the Bruins in a game that went to the Tenth Inning and past midnight, 3-2.  I was able to get tickets to both games Sunday.  (I believe I got the very last ticket for Game 6, which pitted the Golden Gophers against the Bruins again, after they eliminated Gonzaga in Sunday afternoon's contest.  After I bought my ticket and went back to buy Game 5, it said that Game 6 is sold out.  Phew!)  The Bruins looked really good in beating the Zags, but I have to believe that going through four Pitchers in the afternoon meant that they were gassed for the evening.

I didn't know the the Gophers were going to be gassed as well.  Jack Stevenson lasted only 2+ Innings, getting lifted in the Third without getting anybody out in that Inning.  Stevenson finally got tagged for five Runs.  No worries, though; Bruins starter Jack Ralston got the hook after 1 1/3 and allowing four Runs.  And the weirdest thing about this game is that neither Ralston nor Stevenson got hung for the loss.

Minnesota won 13-8.  It was 7-5 Gophers after three.  The crowd gave a rousing, and possibly ironic, cheer after the Bruins went 1-2-3 in the top of the Fourth Inning.  And then the wave came crashing on UCLA with the Golden Gophers plating six in the bottom half.  Given the war of attrition that the game started out as (something in retrospect I should have foreseen), I didn't think 13-5 lead was safe, and the Bruins scored one in the Fifth and two in the Ninth.  But Fred Manke got Jake Hirabayashi looking to end the game and send the U. to its first-ever Super Regional (the Super Regional stage began in 1999).

The Gophers, the #14 overall seed, take on the Oregon St. Beavers, the #3 overall seed, in Corvallis, Ore., this weekend (thus sparing me guilt from being out of town for any potential to work the Supe at Siebert Field).  They are a damn good team, led by Shortstop Nick Madrigal, who was just picked fourth in tonight's (Monday night's) Major League Baseball Draft by the Chicago White Sox, and Right Fielder Trevor Larnach, who was just picked in the first round of the MLB Draft by ... the Minnesota Twins.  Awkward!  Regardless, even if they lose this weekend, this has been a smashing success for the team and the program.

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  Nor do I remember if I have ever skipped 0 whenever I put a team in Positive Numbers.  I could push up both of the other teams to 0 and -1.  But, well, United FC you can read below, and the Twins, although having a not-bad 4-3 week, remain in third place in the American League Central Division, 3 1/2 games behind Cleveland and a 1/2 game behind, of all teams, old Detroit and ex-Twins Manager Ron Gardenhire.  Not saying Gardy is bad, but let's face it; he's there to shepherd the organization through the end of the controlled fire, to be fired himself once all the dead weight, expensive contracts and old players are finally shipped out.  That he's got the remnants of a once-proud Tigers squad in second in June is sort-of remarkable.

That being said, this is still a winnable division, and I like the fight of winning three-of-four from Cleveland at Target after dropping the series in Kansas City.  Pitching has been uneven -- Fernando Romero seems to have been solved, at least for now -- but this past series finally saw the bats awaken, capped by Eddie Rosario smacking three Home Runs in Sunday's come-from-behind win, the last ending the game in a 7-5 victory.  Rosario now stands as the team's rep for the All-Star Game.

Squads are beginning to think about whether they're going to be buyers or sellers at the Trade Deadline.  The Twins have a week at home to get on the good end of their so-far choppy schedule.  They face the Pale Hose for four beginning tomorrow/Tuesday with a Doubleheader (the second game is the make-up for the snowed-out April 13 matchup).  Then the Angels come for a trio for the weekend.

#-2: United FC (Last Week: 0).  OK, so I'm glad I was totally out of the loop for the predictable 4-1 thrashing at Sporting Kansas City last/Sunday night because I was at Siebert.  Tyrone Mears's long-range howitzer was the only bright spot in that match.  And yep ... that's all I've got.  Maybe the less said, the better.  Well, except for that the Loons and the whole of Major League Soccer are taking the next 20 or so days off for the World Cup.  The club returns to action on the 23rd.

Nightmare

Fell asleep around 1:30 and woke up from an intense dream at around 5:30.  My God, the nightmare was about me getting caught having an affair with another woman.  I was escaping, as usual, but this time I was going down to the basement of some house for some reason.  Can you imagine me, getting caught cheating with a married woman?  Lol!

Hello? Does Anyone Want Me?

So I signed up to work the NCAA Baseball Tournament Regional at Siebert.  The guy actually called me up and left a voicemail, which I read on Google Voice.  I was busy with work, so I thought I could wait until later in the afternoon, and when I did, I couldn't get reception, so I waited until after work, when I would try again in the car.  That's where I finally connected with him.  Unfortunately, someone got back to him before I called him back, and that person got the runner job.

Look, I didn't answer the phone because I was unfamiliar with the number; for all I knew, it was a spam, and I'm not going to answer that.  And I waited to call him back after because I was busy with work for people and a company that I respect.  Plus, frankly, I thought I had time; I didn't think this guy was calling people around for people to work for him.  This particular, uh, set-up is new to me, so I want to forgive myself for not knowing how this works.  But dammit, it would have been nice to work this, especially now that (don't tell my parents) I'm out of work.

Meanwhile, the spate of jobs I've applied for last week I apparently sent out into outer space, because I have heard from absolutely no one, and I mean goddamn no one.  I really have no idea how in the fuck this is happening.  I see all these jobs, which means they're going unfulfilled, and I know they aren't great, which means there is still a need for someone to take them.  Shit, I'm overqualified for these jobs -- that's why I applied for them!  So why is no one contacting me?  The only reason I can think of is that people have made up their minds about me, whatever it is, even if they have never spoken to me, and therefore they don't want to even talk to me.  I wonder if it's my resume.  Maybe I shouldn't include my recent work because that leads people to exclude me.  If I use a less recent, or vaguer, resume, maybe I can get those jobs.  Oh, I don't know.

Finally, there's nothing coming from the temp agency I'm hearing from.  I am lined up for a two-week job, which, paycheck aside (and yes, it's important), is useless to me long-term.  On top of that -- and this is fucking weird, so I'll talk about it later -- My Father's cousin is staying with us for a couple weeks.  We may have to take her to Chicago to entertain her, and that might mean I can't take this job.  Again, since it's so short-term it doesn't matter, but ... oh, fuck it, I'm so lost right now.

I need work.  There is work.  I can't find long-term work.  And I can't even find goddamn short-term work.  I don't know what to do.

This Is Why I Don't Hang Out At Home

I woke up late this morning -- 10:30.  Felt good.  Thought I was owed.  But I wanted to wake up earlier so I could go work on stuff on my computer -- stuff like this blog post.  That's what I get for staying up.

In the middle of a rainstorm I wanted to go out to do a few things: Exercise, get a haircut, print out tickets for tomorrow's NCAA Baseball Tournament games.  As I was getting ready to leave, and to make my excuse to leave, I hear clanging in the pantry, which is right next to Grandmother's bedroom, which I am using.

As a courtesy -- I've got to be courteous to stay here -- I look and see My Father ... uh, moving things around.  There are pots and pans on the floor, and he is moving things on a shelf.  I ask, "Do you need help?"

After a second he says, "No.  You don't know what to do."

I've heard that a lot -- "You don't know what to do."  So I don't do anything.  I don't help out.  And I am free to do other stuff, such as, you know, leave.

That's basically been the story for the past 42 years.  Yeah, I don't do stuff with my parents like other kids do stuff with their parents.  This is why.

This Last Day Feels Different

Thought about this going to bed last night.

This is the time of year of The Last Day Of School.  I don't know when it usually is where you live, but for most of my life here, it ends around early June.  I remember The Last Day Of School as the most joyous day of the year for me.  There was no homework, no need to get up in the morning, no obligations after that day.  So every time I heard that bell for the last time on The Last Day Of School, I tore out of class like I was escaping prison.  Because I was.  I was free -- free to do what I want (or not), whenever I wanted -- well, until the fall, of course.  Summer still means something special to me.  I complain about how hot it is, but back then, it was my time to complain, or to enjoy at my leisure, free from the behest of anyone.

But, of course, that was my childhood.  Today is The Last Day Of Work for me.  And it breaks an impressive string for me.  Before this job was the one the floor above.  Before that I worked for Wells Fargo for a couple weeks, then before that was testing season and I latched onto job after job there.  then before that I was back at the health insurance company.

If I get the chronology right, and excepting that have been a couple weeks' furlough here and there, I have been continuously working since, oh, the late summer of 2016.  I have had enough work that I have not needed to go on unemployment since then, at least.  As I've said before, this is something I am proud of.  In fact, I consider it to be progress.

But unless lightning strikes, that ends after today.  Right now, I have no jobs lined up.  Health insurance company doesn't want me anymore.  Testing season is over; I have asked if there is work over the summer, and they have not gotten back to me.  And I should blog post about this soon, but nothing I've applied for over the Internet has gotten back to me either.

So, um, I'm out on my own.  And I am stuck as fuck.  I can't go back on the dole because then my parents will find out I am unemployed, and the shit I will take for that will break me.  All signs point to me going back to school, but ... ugh.  I may have no choice, but how ironic is it that the main joy of my childhood was not going to school in the summer, and now, as an adult, going to school in the summer may serve as my salvation?

---

I am not motivated to go to work, to be honest.  There are two tasks I could do, and then, well, I don't know what else there is to do.  I swear there is enough work for me to stick around, but they say there isn't.  They treat me real well there, this department, and I know they like me.  But I've got to admit I feel really bitter about this.  I want to find a place where I can stick.  I want to find a place that needs me, and wants me.  For three seasons I have been hoping that it's been this place, but, well, it's not.  And frankly, after I walk out that door at the end of work today, I don't know if they'll invite me back.

I am lost and scared, y'all.  I really, really am.  Being let loose for the summer -- this summer -- goddamn frightens me.  How fucking ironic is that?