What, No Coffeeshops Open On A Sunday Night?

I don't feel like watching the Oscars because ... well, no good reason, I just don't.  Although I do need to run out and get foot spray at Target, even though I went out there this afternoon.  Damn, I forgot.

What I want to do instead is go out and blog at a coffeeshop.  It would usually be Caffetto, but with the storm we got this morning (more than four inches where I live, but the sun was out and glowing shortly after it was over early in the afternoon), the city of Minneapolis declared a snow emergency.  I usually park on the street that will be plowed starting at 9 tonight.  So Caffetto's out.

I then checked to see other places that would be open tonight.  It doesn't have to be all night; I actually want to come back in time to see who wins Best Picture, so, oh, closing at 10 will be fine.  So I check Google Maps and ... there are no coffeehouses that are open until 10 tonight!  But I'l be honest with you; I was looking at coffeehouses that were open until 10 on Friday, and ... well, there was a couple, but not enough options, in my humble opinion.  No, people usually don't get coffee at night.  That's why the majority of them close at, ah, 8 or so.  Fewer still are open past 8 on Sundays, apparently, and then the one I really want to go to has street parking, and so my car will be towed tonight because of the snow emergency.

I'm weird about coffee.  I'm weird about doing shit by myself.  I know that.  But dammit, I need a place to be weird, too, where I can be a solo tool and do solo tool things, especially pat 8 on a Sunday night.  And they are in short supply, ffs.

My need to go out supersedes my need to fuck around on the Internet.  So I'm not going to a coffeehouse.  I'm going to a craft brewery and ... dammit!  There aren't a whole lot open past 8 on a Sunday either!  Well, there is one, and I'll go to it.  I think they have free parking, and if they don't, shoot, this whole exercise has been a failure.  Wish me luck. 

Where Going Through E-Mails Becomes A Chore In And Of Itself

I get busy just lying in my bed strolling through the Internet doing stuff and I don't tend to my e-mails.  I check on how many new ones populate my inbox, though, and it's always growing like Eurasian Watermilfoil.  It used to stress me out; not anymore.  I've let it go for a few days and it'd reach a hundred.  Recently I've left it alone for a workweek and it'd get up to 200.

But it is politics season and I'm (sort-of) woke, so most of the messages are now appeals from campaigns to donate money.  (Used to be that the majority of these e-mails were from job sites and The Guardian.  The latter its newsletters I've de-subscribed from ever since they've demanded I create an account; the former may have gone down since I also de-subscribed from them too, but the wave of political e-mails may distort that perception.)  And so I've left pruning my e-mail alone until, well, now, when I have time to putz around the house and do other chores beyond checking my mail.

Again, I've checked the number every day, and as of right now, I am up to 385 (whoops -- 386, just got a new one) unread e-mails in my inbox.  What I haven't completely realized is that I haven't gone through my inbox since January 29, just about 11 days.  Whoa.  That's a record.

Should get on that.  But it's a pain-in-the-ass, plus I have other shit I need to do.  And hey, at least it's not as big as my Hotmail, which is up to 40,000 e-mails and counting.

Crooked Hair, Crooked Hair

So I went to get my hair cut.  Turns out it's only been a month; I usually wait six-to-eight weeks.  Also, I wanted to get it cut before *****a came over to give me a handjob, but she said she could cum sooner, so I waited until after we fucked around to get it cut.  (All this information was not necessary; I'm just being a chatty Cathy.)

So I went to a Great Clips -- not my usual one, but one that was open till 9 and not 8 like the one I usually go to or most other haircutting places.  Maybe because it was so late in the evening, or maybe because it usually does not get customers like more high-trafficked places, there were no other customers until I walked in.  (I was at my usual Great Clips when *****a texted me she was free; there were two people who reserved spots, one of whom I was behind.)  And the woman who cut my hair was really, really nice.  A little bit of a flibbertigibbet, who only used the electric trimmer with one hand while the other one was dangling and not using a comb or anything, but she was really nice, and very accommodating when I decided I wanted the top cut shorter.

One problem: The more she went through my hair, and she spent a half-hour on it (longer than any haircut I can remember), the more nervous she became.  She said she had been working on men's hair for the past couple weeks, but she said men's hair was more complicated to her.  Then, she looked at my bangs and asked a question I didn't quite understand: "Do hair stylists usually line up the front for you?"  I didn't quite know what she meant, but I said yes because, well, why wouldn't I want the front of my hair lined up.

So she was finally finished and she stepped back to let me take a look.  And I noticed something: The brow of my new hairline is not even.  If you look from my left side to my right, it appears as though my hairline, as you travel across my forehead, recedes/goes up my forehead, then takes a corner turn sharper than the one on my left side, before going down to my right forehead.  I think I notice it now that I look in the mirror, but when I was on the chair, that asymmetrical outline was very noticeable, and I usually don't care how my hair looks.

How in the hell do I wind up with crooked hair?  These stylists went to the school so they don't do that, and they have to get certified by the state, too.  This shit isn't supposed to happen, right?  But it's on my head now, and when I go to work or out in public, and I ask someone a question, I just fucking know their eyes will dart up and notice the non-parallel line forming the boundary of my forehead and they'll think to themselves, "Dude, this dude has crooked hair!"  And they'll bully me.  Because some haircutter can't "line up" my bangs or some shit.  Fuck me. 

My Ass Is Too Lazy

You know, if I want to lose weight, and I eat McDonald's at a suburban craft brewery pretty late in the evening, I should not go home and eat some more.

But I did.  Those Dot's Pretzels.  The seasoning on those pretzels, have you heard?  They're made out of crack.

Washed it down with Cherry Coke, I did.  And now I feel fat.

Oh, and I haven't gone through my papers like I wanted to, either.

My ass is too lazy.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Don't look now, but of all teams in the area, the Golden Gopher men's hockey one may be the one that's playing the best right now.  With a road sweep of Wisconsin (by scores of 6-2 and 4-2) they have now won their last four Games.  Moreover, they now have risen to 18th in the PairWise -- still out of consideration, but now they are on the bubble instead of in the fringes.  Suffice it to say, these guys get to the top spot this week because they are getting hot at the right time.  And they can continue their hot streak with a home duo versus Michigan St. this weekend.

#-2: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Victories this screening week over Nebraska and Rutgers (the latter being a two-Overtime affair after the U. squandered a lead in the Fourth Quarter) have stanched the bleeding; as of press time, Charlie Creme now has the Gophers has the fourth-last team out.  However, both wins came at home, and on Thursday they trek out to Madison to face a Wisconsin club that beat them at home Jan. 22.  The Gophs then return to Williams Arena and host Michigan Monday.

#-3: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -5).  Well, at least the grapplers routed the Indiana schools on the road this weekend -- 27-12 over Purdue, 38-9 over Indiana.  Don't know if this means they're any closer to a championship, though.  Plus they host dreaded Penn St. Sunday afternoon.

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4).  Whoa -- these young women are starting to slip.  They followed up a 5-0 home win over Minnesota-Duluth on Friday, but on Saturday they were blanked 2-0 with the help of a 35-Save performance but Bulldog Goaltender Maddie Rooney.  Yes, that Maddie Rooney -- the one who helped Team USA win gold in the last Winter Olympics.  That was so far long ago that I thought she graduated already.  Rooney's a grizzled veteran by now.

Minnesota has now lost three of their last four Games, and thus they have slipped to fourth in the PairWise.  Remember that there are only eight Teams in the NCAA Tournament for women's hockey, so being fourth in the PairWise essentially is the last spot on the right side of the bubble.  They travel to Bemidji St. for two this weekend.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -2).  These guys had the All-Star Week and then the bye, so they had more than a week off, and in the first Game back on Saturday ... they lay a fucking 6-1 turd to Boston at home.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Maybe because of that, Golden Gopher (and One Of Us) Nick Seeler, a Defenseman who was shuffled out of the Mild lineup too often but is too good for AAA Iowa, was put on waivers and summarily picked up by the Chicago Blackhawks.  That'll be the first of what is, presumably, many trades for a team that is going nowhere but doesn't have the pieces of the cap room to substantively reshape the squad for the better.  You could deal off Matt Dumba, Jason Zucker, or Greg Pateryn, and you still have an aging core that cannot be moved.  This is it.  Falling short of the playoffs is how it's going to be in the intermediate term.

At least they got their shit together and beat the 'Hawks last/Tuesday night, 3-2.  Then again, that Game was also at home, and they blew a 2-0 before Dumba won it on Overtime.  They're still slated to finish last in the division.

This week: A back-to-back where they host Vancouver and then go down to Big D to face The Bastard North Stars.  They then come back home for a four-Game, week-long homestand; the Mild face Colorado Sunday and Las Vegas Tuesday.

#-6: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -3).  The bad news is is that they lost at Illinois on Thursday, 59-51.  The good news is that Joe Lunardi has the Goofs as the second team out/Team 70, so they're not that far away.  They sure could use some wins, but this week is going to give them a pair of toughies.  Tonight they host Wisconsin; Saturday afternoon they're on the road vs. a resurgent Penn St. squad.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -Infinity).  Losses at the Clippers and Sacramento extend their losing streak to a dozen Games.  Because of that (maybe), General Manager Gersson Rosas engineered on of the biggest trades I have ever seen: A four-Team, twelve-player behemoth with Houston, Atlanta and Denver.

The Woofie Dogs dealt away Robert Covington (possibly the player on the team playing best this season but was always one foot out the door because of his 3-and-D style and friendly contract; he went to the Rockets); Keita Bates-Diop (a second-year guy who has impressed with his growth; he's now with the Nuggets); and Shabazz Napier and Noah Vonleh, two end-of-the-bench guys who had no chance of sticking around for any turnaround this franchise might make.  In return, they got Evan Turner, Malik Beasley, Juan Hernangomez and Jarred Vanderbilt.  Of those, Turner and Vanderbilt might be in Minnesota just for their contracts; you know how it goes in the NBA.  Was the move made in light of the squad's struggles?  Maybe.  But one has to put faith that Rosas is setting this organization up for the future.  Rosas did not pry D'Angelo Russell from Golden State, which is who he really covets, but he didn't give up a first-round draft pick, either.

They host Atlanta tonight.  They then host the Clippers Saturday, then go on the road versus Toronto Monday.  If they don't beat the Hawks, it might be a long time before these guys win a Game.

RIP, You Plant

Went over to the florist just now to get a diagnosis on the plant that appears to be dying.  And, yep, they said it's dead.  Overwatering, they say.  Sure ... whatever.

Look, they'd be easier to take care of if they could fucking tell me what they need, water or no water.  But these fucking plants are giving me the goddamn silent treatment.

And now I'll have to tell My Fucking Father about this.  Oh, being yelled at by him is going to be a fucking treat.

I swear watering plants is the hardest chore there is.

Fuck all this.

Hottest Babe In The 2020 Hooters Calendar: January

I am surprised, even downright shocked, that the month of January is a dud.  I'm not saying that all ten of the girls in the month are ugly; far from it.  But I noticed that nearly all of them were not smiling.  They looked dour, or were trying to look sultry or something.  But seeing so many non-smiling pusses kind of bummed me out.  I'm not saying, "You'll look prettier if you smile more," ... no, I am.

There are some standouts.  The main girl, Somer of Clearwater, Fla., has that crease in her front that denotes fitness.  Rowan from Sarasota, Fla., has one, too, and she seems to have better abs.  And Casey of Lake Buena Vista, Fla., has a photo that's too small, but her breasts are huge!

(A babe who stands out but not in a good way: Last year's covergirl, Laiken Baumgartner, from Douglasville, Ga.  Her face looks extremely different than the photos of last year's calendar.  In fact, it so pasty and puffy, and her eyes are so much tinier than I remember them, that she is unrecognizable.  Honestly, I don't know what the hell happened to that shot.)

But after some debate, I think there's a clear winner, and one that jumped out at me from the get-go: Miami's Vanessa.  It's about time I picked a non-white chick.  She's got a cute floral two-piece; the bandeau top has large strands that seem to touch the ground.  But the best thing about Vanessa?  She's the only one of the ten who's smiling!  Smiling makes all the difference!

But naturally I'll whack off to all of them before turning the page.

My Super-Specific Predictions For Super Bowl LIV

Let me say first that I don't have too much of a dog in this fight on an emotional level.  Let me say second that I might be contradicting what I just said first by saying that I hate the 49ers just a little bit, but that's because they beat the shit out of my Vikings.  But that is the only reason I "hate" them.

I like the Chiefs a lot.  Well, maybe not Tyreek Hill.  I want the Chiefs to win.  However, after Kansas City beat Tennessee in the AFC Championship Game, a Native American journalist reminded everyone through a series of tweets (which is the source of this Business Insider article) that the name "Chiefs" came from a white man who, basically, wanted to play dress-up.  I cannot be as offended as I am about this compared to the much worse Washington "Redskins."  But frankly, maybe I should re-educate myself in to thinking this is not OK.  And, also, this was a stolen team; the Dallas Texans were taken from Dallas after three seasons in the American Football League.  These guys really are The Bastard Dallas Texans, even if no one in Dallas wanted them.  And I have a principle of rooting against stolen teams.

So, I'm torn.  Maybe that thus helps me to just watch the Game without worrying about who wins.

OK, onto the super-specific predictions:

1) I think SBLIV will start slowly.  That'll be a combination of both offenses trying to feel the opposing defenses out and, according to advanced metrics, both clubs not being very good in the Red Zone.  Therefore, I will predict that neither team will score a Touchdown ... in the First Half.

2) However, as the Game goes on, the decisive strength-on-weakness will rear its head.  What is that?  San Francisco's running game vs. Kansas City's run defense, especially up the middle.  The 49ers will have success running the ball from the start, thereby depriving Patrick Mahomes II the ball.  As they say, the best way to defeat a star Quarterback is to ensure he's on the sideline.  And in the Second Half, as the Chiefs begin to get demoralized, expect to see gaping holes for explosive runs.  In total, I think the Niners will run for almost 300 Yards and get one Touchdown.

3) Key to that running game is the ability for both star Tight End George Kittle and Fullback Kyle Juszczyk to block.  And they will block plenty, and successfully.  Neither Niner will rack up the Yards -- neither will get a TD -- but their blocking alone will be a huge factor in ... uh, I might as well let the cat out of the bag ... the 49ers winning Super Bowl LIV.

4) With the running game humming in overdrive, Jimmy Garoppolo will, once again, just need to show up and not fuck up.  He'll be able to manipulate a desperate Chiefs passing defense with quick throws and RPOs, especially in the Second Half.  But it won't amount to much -- just enough.  He'll throw for, like 200 Yards and a long TD when Kansas City is gambling on the run to, oh, Deebo Samuel.

5) Thus, as such, the Time Of Possession battle will be lopsided.  The Niners will have between 40 and 45 Minutes of possession.

6) I am convinced San Fran will win because they will win the trenches on both sides of the ball.  Apparently, 49ers General Manager John Lynch said that he loaded up on a loaded front seven so he didn't have to invest on a world-class Secondary.  And he'll be right.  The front four alone should keep Mahomes nervous all game.  Put the Niners down for four Sacks on Mahomes.

7) The only situation where K.C. has a sizable advantage on San Fran is when Mahomes throws deep.  The 49er Secondary can be, uh, "getable."  But, for one, Mahomes largely won't get the time, and for two, SB Referee Bill Vinovich has a crew that swallows its whistles.  Now, this is an All-Star officiating crew, which means that Vinovich won't have the guys he has had all regular season.  But I'm going to say that the 49ers Cornerbacks and Safeties will be handsy and grabby with the track stars of the Chiefs receiving corps, and the zebras will let them get away with it.  So, maybe one Pass Interference call on the San Fran D.

8) With all that being said, the score will not reflect how in control the 49ers will be all Game.  Mahomes will do plenty of scrambling but hit his receivers for many, many First Downs.  Put Mahomes down for almost 300 Yards passing and one Touchdown.

9) Late in the Fourth Quarter, believe it or not, the score will be tied.  The dam fill finally break in the back half of the Fourth as the 49ers just run the ball down the tired Chiefs' throats.  San Fran will score the go-ahead touchdown with Raheem Mostert, who will rack up almost 200 Yards and be the Super Bowl Most Valuable Player.

10) And in a desperate attempt to tie the Game, Mahomes will throw an Interception to Richard Sherman, who will take it all the way back to the house to complete scoring in the contest.

Final Score Prediction: San Francisco 27, Kansas City 13.  So if you're in Las Vegas, go Moneyline on the 49ers and bet your house.  Book it!

The Best Commercials Of Super Bowl LIII

I need to do this before Super Bowl LIV.

And it may be because it's been almost (literally) a year, but the reason I haven't done this until now is because I don't remember seeing any good ads during Super Bowl LIII.  I need a refresher, so I went to USA Today's Ad Meter, and even though I don't remember a lot of them, most of the ones I do remember I remember as being very meh.

In the past I have ranked the best five.  I struggled with it, but after taking a second look through a few of them, I think I can come up with five:

5) T-Mobile, "What's For Dinner?"



T-Mobile (my carrier, BTW) advertised four different commercials in last year's Super Bowl, each one touting a perk, each one using texting as their bit. I think this is the funniest of the four just because I sometimes have deleted what I was about to text someone. This goes a bit further, elaborating on an internal monologue a boyfriend has over his girlfriend's obsession with sushi. The way she gets into his head, and how it manifests in re-write after re-write, is clever and relatable.

4) The Washington Post, "Democracy Dies In Darkness"



One of many "message" spots you'll see, but in an age where journalism and the very concept of "facts" are questioned and even mocked at (and, by the way, it's starting to come heavy on the left as well as the right), this is an important one, and, with the help of narrator Tom Hanks, a well-crafted one. Quaint may be the notion that you can appeal to a viewer just by reminding that person of what reporting is, but this ad puts it in stark, but real, terms, including the faces of journalists who lost their lives while reporting, because they were reporters. One of the first things I thought when I saw the ad was, "Golly, I didn't know the Washington Post had enough money to spend for a spot in the Super Bowl." But then I remembered that Jeff Bezos owns the Post. And then I thought, "Cool."

3) Amazon Alexa, "Not Everything Makes The Cut"



Another star-studded ad with a bunch of celebrity cameos. But after the previous year, where Alexa lost her voice, they followed up with another funny spot full of sight gags. This time, it was "revealed" that Alexa had been planned to be put in other devices, but they didn't work. Cue Forrest Whitaker (you don't see him in commercials!) trying to listen to a novel through a toothbrush. Or Harrison Ford (neither him!) telling his dog not to order dog food through his collar. Many other people might be wowed by the production values. Regardless, this was a great spot.

2) Bud Light, "Game Of Thrones"



Of all the Super Bowl ads, I don't think I've seen one with such an out-of-nowhere twist. It's the Bud Light Kingdom (a conceit I'm still going with) and the king and queen are sitting down with Bud Light to enjoy a joust. But the Bud Knight gets knocked off his horse ... and then his opponent appears to gouge his eyes out. Wait, I don't remember Super Bowl ads being this gory. And then this huge dragon descends from the sky and sets the whole place on fire and ... is that the theme song to Game of Thrones? And then they advertise the final season of the legendary HBO series. In retrospect, this was part of the show's massive and hoary cash grab; I mean, if this is the end, might as well as much money off of it as you can. (I think that's why I saw Emilia Clarke at so many sports games near the end of GOT's season.) I'm not sure if something as "high brow" as Game Of Thrones" should deign to mingle with something as "low brow" as a domestic many beer snobs liken to urine. (I'm not one of those snobs.) But at the party I was at, we all went, "What the ... ?" as soon as the Knight lost the joust, and then the spot descended into WTF-ville. So both entities should get credit for The Greatest Blindside In Super Bowl Ad History.

1) NFL, "The 100-Year Game"



Make no mistake: The National Football League has become an entertainment enterprise, not just a football business. Its presence outside of the game is quite impressive, as evidenced by this crazy self-promotion touting the 100th season of the league, one that ends tonight. If you're not a football fan, you won't care about all the legends and the NFL's current greats fighting for a golden football during this banquet-turned-football game. But I am, and it was great to see cameo and after cameo, many of them doing the hits, throws, catches and celebration dances they were known for on the gridiron. The ad is crazy nuts, and it's fantastic. Oh, and after just re-watching it, the re-mix in the background is awesome, too.

Oh, And Now A Plant Is Dying

I just noticed this last night.  My Father has a small plant that has peculiar "leaves" coming out of it.  It was in full bloom when my parents left, and I watered it and it seemed fine.  But what I noticed last night was a bunch of shriveled stems.

I actually downloaded an app to identify the plant.  (It doesn't come free; I have to cancel it by next Saturday or else I'll have to pay.)  I think it's a Dunce's Cap.  This app diagnoses problems, and when I took photos of this sickly plant, the app gave me three diagnoses.  The first two: Underwatering and overwatering.  Well, thanks for narrowing it down!

Plants die whenever I have to take care of it.  I don't know what to do.  I water them, every day, according to My Father's instructions.  And like every year, still at least one of the plants dies.  And unless I have the will to find a solution, or a miracle happens, this one will, too.

I ... I don't know.