It all started with the snowstorm last night. I wasn't able to start the snowblower for some reason. Moreover, the shovels were in the padlocked shed in the back ... and I misplaced the key.
Called my parents. Father was beyond pissed. When he came home, he completely ignored me and just took a shower. Mother told me he was absolutely livid coming home. I went outside and the snowblower finally worked; I just had to plug it in a little longer.
At dinner, I started to apologize when My Fucking Father finally erupted: "I hate people who are stupid and lazy!" He didn't know the claim forms and computer set-up I did for him. But he's violent this way. Mother tried to calm him down, but he hasn't spoken to me since. One simple fucking mistake. ...
Tonight, while trying to get the old computer to work, Mother came in and started peppering me with questions about my health insurance -- "Got your checkup yet?" "Have you seen a doctor?" "Been to the dentist yet?" If I wasn't concentrating on the computer, I would've been able to lie and say I have. But I didn't. She told me that renewal for my insurance comes up in April and I need to do it before that comes up, just in case. She even volunteered to set up the appointments for me. Mother meant well, but after the shit that happened last night, it felt like she was ridin' my ass, too.
There's always this weight/noise in my head, wherever I go. It might have come on the last few years because of my lack of unemployment/direction, but it's heavy and large nowadays, and it was pounding and incessant earlier tonight. I was facing a cold, cold winter and the prospect of running into a wall of ... nothing. Nothing I wanted to do in life (still), yet nothing if I do do something. There was nothing to look forward to. There still isn't.
As self-defense in case My Fucking Father really flipped out on me tonight, this afternoon I took one of the knives and put it underneath my pillows. If he ever dared bust through my bedroom door and come after me, I would have a weapon on me. And at the very least I would have a chance at defending myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment