#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4). This program has to be the WMNSS MVP of the past two years. It's like when the Twins rule the roost, with the very real exception that the Twins play in the summer, where there is little competition, and the Gopher women regularly beat back seven competitors for to reach the top spot. Of course they piss down their legs come tournament time, but we'll just worry about that another day, shall we?
They rebounded from their embarrassing home sweep at the hands of North Dakota with an 8-0 road she-llacking (did you see what I just did there?) of St. Cloud St. Noora Räty stopped all 32 Huskie shots in the sweep and was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week. On the scoring goals end, Defensman Anne Schleper notched four points in those two wins and was thus named co-WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week.
Congratulations to them. Now, onto Duluth to face defending champion and prime nemesis UMD. They're ranked third; the Gophs sixth. And the Bulldogs have had the U.'s number recently; last year Minnesota won the first two games before UMD took the last four, the last two being the conference championship game and the NCAA semifinal.
#-2: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). I don't like that up against superior but not overwhelming superior competition, and at home, the team lost to Illinois (albeit in five tense sets). But they also rebounded by beating rivals and teams expected to be in the bottom half of the Big Ten race, Wisconsin and Iowa. Middle Blocker Lauren Gibbemeyer is back and is currently hitting, I think, .566. If her wrists don't act up, this team could turn it around.
They have only one game this week: They finish their four-match homestand against Northwestern tonight (Friday night). For the first time in forever, I'm guessing, the Wildcats are favored, so this will be a dogfight.
#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5). The underachieving Gopher men's icers split with St. Cloud St. at Mariucci. Their win Sunday ended a three-game losing streak, but they lost to the Huskies Friday 5-2.
This team still has no rhythm, and they have yet to find any chemistry that will finally get this squad back to respectability. However, they may have found a new guy. Senior Goaltender Alex Kangas has been a brave and loyal soldier, but too many times in his tenure between the pipes he's been a sieve. Head Coach Don Lucia went to Junior Kent Patterson after Kangas let in all five St. Cloud St. goals on Friday midway through the second period. Patterson didn't let another one through, and he backstopped the next game, which gave the Gophs their first conference victory.
I assume Lucia will go to Patterson for this weekend's two-gamer at powerful Colorado College. The Tigers are ranked 19th in the current USCHO.com poll, Minnesota tied for 20th. I really thought the Tigers were, like, 4th and the Gophs unranked.
#-4: Wild (Last Week: 0). I really didn't think this team would beat anybody except Edmonton. But somehow, they defeated Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals, 2-1.
And then, while looking through articles and lists, the glass got more full. The Wild have won four games; I really thought they've only won, like, two. Then the Associated Press recap said the team has the best power play in the NHL. And we somehow slowed the Caps to 22 shots, a season low for them. That bag skate continues to produce dividends.
Well, hopefully. They host two games this week against last year's Western Conference Finals matchup: Saturday against Stanley Cup champs Chicago, then Tuesday vs. San Jose.
By the way, there is some dissension in the ranks. Martin Havlat, their big signing last year, was a healthy scratch one game this screening week, eliciting accusations by his agent.
#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -2). They had the whole world in their hands. Now, they're fighting for their NCAA Tournament lives. I was there last Friday night when the distaff footballers were firing on Michigan at will. Then, in the 110th and final minute, Minnesota Goalie Cat Parkhill, trying to be aggressive, goal-kicked to midfield where it was intercepted by the Wolverines. Two passes later, a wide-open Nkem Ezurike deposited the ball into the top left corner. Despite being outshot in goal 8-2, Michigan beat Minnesota, 1-0, with 27 seconds left in double overtime.
It's heartbreaking. Frankly, it's also infuriating. And maybe that was the reason they only tied Michigan St. at 1 Sunday afternoon. So this means that the Gophers, who once were ranked in one poll 12th in the nation, have a four-game winless streak. Will they turn it around at Northwestern tonight (Friday night)?
#-6: Gopher football (Last Week: -1). I was also at this game, a 33-21 loss to Penn St. (for all my bitching about all Minnesota sports losing two weeks ago, Gopher athletics weren't all that much better last week). I actually thought this team had a puncher's chance against the Nittany Lions: They were facing a vulnerable squad that wasn't that big or tough, and the team had a new lease on life because of Interim Coach Jeff Horton. Oops.
Uh, there's nothing else to say. Excpet they host 11th-ranked Ohio St. this Saturday Night. Better brush your teeth and get your tackling drills in; this is the national game this week. Maybe the Gophs will spring the upset. Or maybe they'll be embarrassed by the Buckeyes and the entire country will know how badly this program sucks.
#-7: Timberwolves (New Entry!). Some people are actually encouraged by what they saw Wednesday night. I think it's the same old shit, and in fact things are going to get worse.
They had a shot to beat Sacramento, a team that has a lot more talent and more direction, but was raw enough to be taken at home. And still they lost, 117-116, after rookie Wesley Johnson skied in on a Wayne Ellington missed three. There was less than a second left, so it was either two points or none, but still.
Moreover, like the Wild, the Timberwolves are stirring up shit after benching their star. With the trade of Al Jefferson, Kevin Love's the best player with the Woofie Dogs. But for the last eight minutes of the fourth quarter, I think, Kurt Rambis kept Love off the court. Why? As Coach Kurt Rambis told it in the post-game press conference, he liked the energy Anthony Tolliver provided during the game. Anthony Tolliver, ladies and gentlemen. Love left after the game without making a comment. Which means that Rambis has lost Love for good. Or at least should have, because not playing Love at all during those eight minutes is at best strange and at worst a firable offense.
They have two more games in order to get a win. Tonight (Friday night) they host Milwaukee, then go to Memphis Saturday. The other games this week are at Miami Tuesday and at Orlando Wednesday. So yeah, the Era Of Good Feeling ends this weekend.
#-8: Vikings (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Fuck this. Fuck all of this. It is insane that the guy that has to lead the time is the only guy we have that could throw three interceptions, one of them an awful pick-six that reall looked like he was throwing to the Desmond Bishop, is also the same guy that could drive us to four touchdowns and a possible game-winning fifth. It's all wrapped up in Brett Favre, a 41-year-old egomaniac with a broken ankle and a gift of exposing his dick.
It's important to note that this is the second game we could have won but eventually gave away. Just like the Dolphins loss, a combination of tough defense, not-perfect officiating, dropped passes, bad luck and the questionable judgement of the Reckless Gunslinger late in the game contributed to a close defeat. But you start Tarvaris Jackson in Sunday night's loss to Green Bay and the Packers win by at least ten.
So who do you start this Sunday against New England? Well, I assume two things: 1) Technically, if you are on the field for the first play from scrimmage, you have "started," and 2) Favre's ankle is much painful, much worse, than people are letting on. If both things are true, Head Coach Brad Childress has to do the following: Get Favre out there for their first offensive play, make him hand it off to Adrian Peterson, then pull him for Jackson. Tarvaris at 100% is still better than Favre at the percentage he has to be at right now.
And they'll still lose and go to 2-5. Get those moving fans to Los Angeles ready, Wilfs.
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