Have To Give Props To The Fam

I dread every time I pick up Father from the airport.  Not just weather or traffic concerns -- picking him up ends my temporary, still-sheltered life as a grown-up living an independent life.  The cat is no longer away, therefore this mouse cannot play.

Things got a little complicated last night when I had to pick him up.  It was raining all day, and the forecast called for the storm to turn into snow.  Moreover, there would be a small transition window where it would turn into freezing rain and/or ice before becoming snow.  It was about an hour long, and that hour fell right when I had to go down to the airport.  Luckily, that change held off, and I was bringing Father home under a steady rain.

I poked my head out around 4 or 5 in the morning, and I experienced two scary things: The transition did change overnight and we had snow, a lot of snow, a lot more than Belinda Jensen forecasted (which was a coating to two inches -- shit man, we got, like, four!); and a noise from downstairs.  I think it was Father, apparently still jazzed up from living it up in Vegas, watching something.  Glad he hasn't said anything about hearing me upstairs.

I set my alarm clock a little earlier than I planned anticipating shoveling the driveway in order to get my car out to my study visit.  But when I went out, it was virtually clean.  There was some snow on the driveway, maybe a coating, and it was still coming down, but I had a much easier time clearing some of the driveway than I thought I would.  And, have to admit, that's all because of Father, who probably got up early (or stayed up) and shoveled it, all by himself.  For a guy who's 66, even if he's a prick some of the time, that's pretty fuckin' badass.

---

Grandmother's been bothering me again, especially with the way she comes out of her room every time I make a noise in the common areas of the house and how every time Mother and Father say something to me she repeats it.  But she was heads-up today.

After I had to go to the study visit, I changed out of the snowboots, put on my work shoes, and told Grandmother I was gone.  When I got into my car and was about to turn on the engine, I heard Grandmother's voice.  Why in the hell is coming out in the blowing snow and biting wind?

It was a call.  Whatever.  No, I didn't understand; as I got back out of the car to answer the phone, Grandmother was rapping the passenger-side front window ... holding my cellphone.  Oh, so that's why she came out!  I forgot that I left it on the dining room table before I started shoveling.  I had the intention of getting it before leaving, but of course, I didn't.  But Grandmother was there -- to save me.

Medication Fail

I was going to talk about another unfortunate thing I did Thanksgiving Weekend, but I'll blog about this instead.

I'm in this study where I have to take this medicine twice a day.  They're not harsh if you miss one, but they would like you not to miss one.  I'm a fuck-up, so last week I sleep early and miss drinking my pill.  I've been trying to make up for it ever since.

But I had a perfect plan today, which was perfect because I had to wake up early for my dentist's appointment.  I would drink a pill at 8:30, drink another at 5:30 (it's only nine hours later, but it's not ridiculously a short amount of time between doses, and the bottom line is I have to down three pills one day), and the third at 2:30.  Not only will I be back on schedule, tomorrow I have to visit the study administrator at noon to get a new bottle of pills and I could just pop a pill before seeing her at 11:30, which will be nine hours after I swallowed the previous pill, like the two before those.

But ... and this is the story of my life: I always have an excuse ... the dental appointment today threw me for a loop.  I was so tired getting up early that I was late for the appointment.  I kept falling asleep in the dentist's chair during the cleaning.  The girl cleaning my teeth, the same one I blogged about back in April, once again treated me like a baby, at one point making me show her how I brush my teeth.  Who in the hell does that?  (I shouldn't be so harsh.  She is trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong when I clean my teeth.  Plus, I've always complained that dentists seem to throw me out of their offices as soon as they put back their instruments, so I recognize that she is trying to help.  Still, I find what she asked me to do today infantilizing and very strange.)

And to top it all off, during cleaning one of my fillings fell off.  It was one done at the U. over the summer, therefore they were going to do it again, and for no cost, thank fucking God.  Problem was, like this girl who was teaching me how to brush my teeth, they're both students, and their schedules are usually filled with patients and/or lessons well in advance.  When we went out to the receptionist she told me that the specialist who did my fillings before and would do this particular one again had an opening tomorrow morning, when I had to go see my study administrator ... or not till some time next year.  Great, I was looking at the prospect of walking around with a cancerous cavity exposed in my mouth for five months.

However, she found another opening: That afternoon, specifically an hour later.  Why the hell not, I thought -- this needs to get done, they're going to fix what they didn't do right the first tiem, and as long as I'm here anyway. ...  So I make the appointment, go to an open couch in the waiting room, set my alarm, put my feet up on the cushions, and take a nap for an hour.

---

The filling redo wasn't bad, although I was still groggy and falling in and out of consciousness.  I just remember a few things both women told me: The girl redoing my filling told me it was going to rain, which convinced me I should use the U. tunnels as far as I can to get me closer to my car (although I got lost and spent a half-hour negotiating my way through -- the underground tunnels are not a convenient way to move about campus); I couldn't eat crunchy or hot foods and I needed to chew chewy foods on the other side of my mouth the rest of the day (I ate chicken and had soup for dinner -- besides chewing on the righthand side, I think I broke her edict); and the super-duper fluoridated toothpaste that I was paying eight bucks for (doubt insurance is covering this -- is the U. on the make?) should not be rinsed out with water, just spat out.

I had a lot on my mind, and this is coming off an appointment where I was injected with a local anaesthetic to numb the gum around the tooth that needed a new feeling, so I stumbled a few times on my way to my car.  I then remembered that this may have been the last day to cash in on a rain check for batteries at the hardware store that ran out of them 90 days ago (Menards calls them "Sorry Slips" -- how ka-yute!); that and getting money out of the ATM for Grandmother meant my somewhat self-destructive plan to drink coffee (which she allowed me to drink four hours after applying this varnish to my teeth) was out the window.  I just went home and helped Mother set dinner and surf the Internet.  This was, oh, around 5:30.

It wasn't until I woke up from my nap at 10, just as I was about to leave to get Father back from the airport, that I remembered that I fucked up my plan.  Great.  So now my new plan is to get this third pill in at 5 in the morning, then push the pill tomorrow morning till noon.  Seven hours isn't great, but I'd rather do that then miss a dose.

Oh, who am I kidding, I screwed the pooch on this big time.

Thanksgiving Weekend Post-Mortem, Part I

So many bad things are happening now that the weekend is over and my parents are coming back from Vegas.  First thing: When I was driving Mother home and told her I didn't buy any of the things she wanted me to buy at the hardware store because one of the items was no longer on sale because it was a Black Friday price, she wondered why I didn't go shopping before I went to fill in for them at work Friday morning.

I didn't know she wanted me to do that.  And she may have told me to do that.  I remember, before my 'Rents went on vacation, that she didn't want me to line up when they opened at 5 a.m. like I did last year.  I assumed that that meant that I could buy these anytime.  Except that I couldn't, it turns out.

Mother wasn't mad.  Thank goodness.  Because I feel like I let her down and squandered the chance to get her the things she wanted.

We finally get ahead, and all of a sudden we can't stop some fat Notre Dame Running Back?  Really??  And now the Irish get the Shilelagh for the first time in nine years???  Fuck this shit.

Poor Bastard Of The Moment: Kyle Brotzman

He's the kicker for non-BcS darlings Boise St.  He's also the guy who missed a field goal from 26 yards out to win the game in regulation.  And he's the guy who missed a field goal from 29 yards in overtime that allowed Nevada to complete a 17-point comeback and win.  They were thisclose from an undefeated season, and they were about to renew talk yet again about how unjust the BCS is.  But now they lost, and therefore can't do a goddamn thing.  All because their kicker couldn't hit not one but two field goals from closer than 30 yards.

Poor bastard.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -2). Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Today, I give thanks for Tubby Smith's team, who surprised everyone by upsetting heralded freshman Harrison Barnes and the eighth-ranked North Carolina Tar Heels, then beat West Virginia, to win the Puerto Rico Tip-Off. Along with a defeat of North Dakota St. Wednesday, the Gophers, now ranked 15th or 17th, are an undefeated 6-0. There is a lot of season left, but it is a holiday, and they look really good right now, so I'm going to lift them into the highest rank possible on the WMNSS. Congratulations!

This team looks really good. Touranment MVP and co-Big Ten Player Of The Week Trevor Mbakwe looks like a beast inside, and he has wingmen in Colton Iverson and Ralph Sampson III to dominate in the frontcourt. Blake Hoffarber is the prime gunner on the squad, and so far he's shooting lights-out. What's even more remarkable is that they did this without Devoe Joseph, who was suspended and didn't make the trip to the 51st state. Once he gets back on the team to bolster the backcourt, watch out -- hopefully.

They have only one game this week: Home to Virginia, as part of the annual Big Ten/ACC Challenge.

#0: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). Could this team be peaking at the right time? A 2-0 sweep on the road, which includes a five-set defeat at long-time conference leader and ninth-ranked team in the nation Illinois, extends their active winning streak to five, and they're 7-1 in its last eight matches.

The win at the Illini was awesome. They were down 24-20 in the fourth set before ripping off the last six points of the set to win 26-24, then claiming the fifth set 15-9 over an emotionally depleted Illinois squad. That's four straight match points, then cashing in on its own set point, to tie the match. For a team that has had trouble finishing a match, it feels good to be the opponent against which a team, especially one as good as the Fighting Illini, fails to finish a match.

This weekend ends the regular season for the now-15th-ranked Gophers, and they're pretty huge: Home games against Ohio St. and Penn St., the latter of which has regained its spot atop the Big Ten lead. I hope to get to see the game against the Buckeyes tomorrow (Friday) -- and a win.

#-1: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!). A sweep at Michigan Tech. Everybody sweeps Michigan Tech -- they have now beaten the Huskies fight consecutive times in Houghton, Mich. -- but it nonetheless is a welcome couple of wins for a team that still has suspect talent and the ability to fall apart in a weekend. It shouldn't be too much of a coincidence that these two wins were with Kent Patterson, not Alex Kangas, between the pipes. And Right Winger Mike Hoeffel was named WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week for tallying four points and an assist in the Gophers' combined 10-5 goals scored versus Michigan Tech.

This week is the 18th annual College Hockey Showcase, where four Big Ten schools play each other. The Gophers host this year -- Michigan St. tomorrow (Friday), Michigan Sunday.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Re-Entry!). They also swept on the road, at MSU-Mankato, by scores of 1-0 and 6-2. For her 54 combined saves over the weekend, Goalie Noora Räty was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week. So why am I putting this team behind the men's hockey team? Uh ... don't know. Maybe because I think the men's team will wind up with a worse record, so for fairness' sake I'll put them ahead of the women's team. Thanksgiving Weekend they host ninth-ranked Harvard.

#-3: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6). A 1-1 weekend where they lost the other tournament they host, the Subway Classic, to Dayton by 16 Sunday afternoon. I still insist all the equity they built from their Final Four year is long gone, and they have to avoid the irrelevance of the Cheryl Littlejohn days. But I don't really know what to make of their record so far -- a win over Pittsburgh, losses to Green Bay and the Flyers, and all the games at home. They finally do the right thing and play road games this weekend. They are in Reno, Nev. for the Nugget Classic; they play San Diego St. tomorrow (Friday), then either host Nevada or North Carolina St. Saturday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -4). A 1-2 week, highlighted by bad, bad losses at home to Atlantic Division teams the New York Rangers and the Philadelphia Flyers. This is a sign that the Wild aren't even close to competing.

But I do want to indulge in the win, a 4-3 win overtime win at the Detroit Red Wings, that I watched while working out at the community activity center. They were down 3-2 late in the third period when they scored the tying goal, then I saw them score the game-winning goal. I have never been happier exercising.

This week: A Black Friday matinee at the X against Nashville followed by a Saturday game against the Bastard Quebec Nordiques, then at Calgary Monday and home to the Bastard Winnipeg Jets Wednesday.

Oh, by the way, apparently the Wild have this promotion where the team is growing moustaches for prostate cancer research. I'm sorry to rain on charity, but I think this is a cheap way to promote this cause. This is something the Swarm would do, not the Wild. But for an organization that actively runs away from this state's rich history with the North Stars, inappropriate and oblivious campaign drives like this should not be a shock.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). A promising past couple of weeks are now completely gone: They went 0-3 for the week.

There are excuses for them. The Lakers are the Lakers, and I think their 17-point loss covered the spread. And they were winning their game against the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics until, I think, they double-teamed Darko Milicic in the fourth quarter.

But the loss last (Wednesday) night was the killer. I was at Hooters watching that game (as well as the Wild's blowout loss, which I quickly lost attention because I watched the Woofie Dogs instead). The San Antonio Spurs led for only the last, like, 40.7 seconds of the game. They were leading by as much as 21. But like many times this young season, this young team didn't have the poise or the killer instinct to finish off this team, who now have an NBA-best record of 12-1. Do you take these as moral victories or growing pains, or do you remain as incredibly angry for these losses like a winning team?

Only two games this week: home to Golden State Saturday, at Dallas Wednesday.

#-6: Vikings (Last Week: -7). And so the nadir of the season has become, and the aspirations of a Super Bowl title are now officially over. It was a maddeningly pathetic, lifeloss 34-3 loss to Green Bay, at home, last Sunday. I don't care what anyone says: The players quit.

That shouldn't totally be laid at the feet of Brad Childress, but like they say, you can't fire the whole team, and it was obvious the players hate him, so Owner Zygi Wilf had no other choice but to fire Childress and elevate Defensive Coordinator Leslie Frazier to the top spot. Oftentimes he looked way over his head, yet I feel sorry that Childress had to pay for Brett Favre's ineptitude, the lack of a pass rush, the absent secondary, the sucky wide receivers, and the losses of Sidney Rice, Chester Taylor and Cedric Griffin.

So I have no idea what to look for when they face Washington this Sunday. The result of the game will be reason to bemoan the depths to which this team has rapidly sunk after the NFC Championship Game last year. Win, and there's good reason to question this team's professionalism; if you want to win under Frazier, why wouldn't you win under Childress? Lose, and it's obvious that this team was going to suck no matter who is coach.

#-Infinity: Gopher women's soccer (Last Week: 0). They had their chance; they really did. I was at Saturday's game, out in the bitter cold. It was so cold I couldn't feel my feet, and I accidentally kicked over my Coke; once I realized I did, the spilt Coke froze into a small, icy puddle. But it was cool because, even though this was a tougher group to win individual matchups against (and that includes the seeded and ninth-ranked Texas A&M Aggies), Minnesota had their chances but also kept Georgetown off the scoreboard.

Until 44 seconds left in the game. Off a corner kick, a bunch of Hoya players swarmed the goalmouth, and then they all raised their arms and cheered. I don't know what happened, I was too far away. Apparently, though, Hoya Samantha Baker's corner actually went in. I guess. And I wasted two hours of freezing my ass off outside for this.

OK, that's a tad harsh. The Gophers should be proud of having gone to their second Sweet 16 in three years. But like I said last week, they will never have a better chance of making their first Elite 8 appearance. They were playing an unseeded team at home. You cannot get a better scenario than that. And if the Gophs win this, they would be facing Ohio St. (albeit at their place), a team they pushed into overtime before losing Oct. 17. Plus, it's soccer, so who knows? This could have been the year Minnesota goes to its first Final Four. But I guess that's the way the ball bounces, or is corner-kicked. And they are upset at home by another unseeded (and unheralded) Georgetown squad that has already made history.

I personally witnessed Minnesota lose the Michigan game in the last minute as well. There, the Wolverines scored with 27 seconds left in double overtime to beat the Gophers. And it happened again, only this time it ended their season. Forty-four seconds. They needed to hold on for 44 more seconds. ...

I Am Seymour Skinner

Today is the traditional day where I take my parents to the airport, then spend the night going to one of my favorite stripclubs.  Not today.

There was a snowstorm today.  Meteorologists overpromised and underdelivered; there was maybe two inches of snow falling in the areas I drove, but it was the fact that it was occuring in the afternoon and evening, the peak driving and flying times of the busiest travel day of the year, that made its impact so dangerous.

My parents' flight was delayed by 2 1/2, maybe 3 hours.  When Father called me about the news, I didn't know what to do because I didn't know if they were going to stay put at work or go home, so I drove to the mall closest to downtown.  From there I drove home because they decided to go home; what usually is a 15-20 minute drive took 45 in the driving snow.

I don't like it when I lie, because it's obvious.  But neither do I like it when I'm asked to do things I don't want to do.  I was hanging out at my parents' desktop when My Father, who was getting dressed to leave for the airport, told me to go directly home from the airport.  So I gave him the one word that most conveys that you're going to do the opposite: "Sure."

Not as if I could pull off that lie.  I intended to bring my bookbag because it had a few things I was going to use that night: my day planner, which had alternate directions to the stripclub I was going to go to later that evening; the money I was going to use at said stripclub; and the medicine I'm taking for this study.  I feel bad for showing Father the bag (in the car right as we're leaving instead of inside the house, otherwise he would tell me to leave my bag at home) because that meant I was openly lying to him.  But hey, he cleaned my room in February, so this is a little bit of payback.

Neither Father nor Mother made too big a stink about it on the drive down to the airport, so naturally I start to feel guilty about it.  Mother asked me to go home from the airport too.  But I tried to justify it by saying that I didn't know if the flight was going to be delayed further, so I'll just stick close by (the Mall of America is, like, five minutes away) in case they delay it till tomorrow.  That actually is a smart idea.  It hasn't happened yet, but it could, and I would do such a thing if it could possibly occur next time.

So we get to the airport and I tell Father to call me as soon as they're about to board, and then I'll go home.  I then go to MOA guilt-free.

I wait till about a half-hour before their departure time before I decide to call Father.  Usually passengers board 30 minutes before the scheduled departure time, right?  He says the plane isn't there yet, but will be soon.  So now I'm starting to think that I'll seize a pyrrhic victory: I'll be justified in not going straightaway home and thus proving my parents wrong, yet I won't be able to sneak away and see an All-Time Favorite at One Of My Favorite Stripclubs.

Finally, about 15 minutes later, Mother calls me on her husband's cell: We're boarding, so you can go home now.  I hear her pleas without actually listening.  But then, she lays down the trump card to get me to go back to the house: She says "please."  Now, she could've been really concerned for my safety on the roads (which weren't too bad because the snow stopped falling some time in the evening and the roads had been treated well beforehand) or she just wanted me to do what Father said.  But when she said "please" -- well, how can I refuse my mom when she says that?

Seriously, I couldn't.  She sounded really concerned for my safety.  And if I can't heed her implorations (is that a word?) to do something I really don't want to do, how can I ask someone else to do the same?  Besides, the money I had with me for the club was roughly the amount I had to pay for the new mirror glass, which was installed this afternoon, just before I was going to the store to pick my parents up.  I heed a warning if there are two or more conspiring factors that seem to suggest to me to do or not do something.

So I decide to come home.  Well, I decide not to go the stripclub.  But I didn't drive home immediately.  I was hungry, so I went to eat at Hooters, where I stayed for two hours.  And then I hurried home as soon as I could.  A flight from MSP to Vegas is about 3 hours, so if they got on board at 8, they'd reach the airport at 11 Central.  I could totally see them getting to the arrival gate and, even before peeing (which they really want to do after disembarking from a plane), reach for the phone and call home to ask Grandmother if I'm there.  I didn't need that, so I hauled ass.  But not before calling Grandmother myself and asking her that, if they do call home, to lie and say that I got home at 9 and is in bed (when Mother called me I told her I was napping in the car).  No worries; I got home at 11 and they didn't call.

Oh, and I still might go to the stripclub anyway.  It's just that I wouldn't have the ability to sleep in like I do tomorrow/today.  And just because Mother asked me not to stay out late.

Now I'm Going To Be Fired

The good news: They're going to fix my driver's-side mirror tomorrow.  In fact, I should be able to go from the body shop to the store to pick up my parents in a matter of an hour, so I think I could even sleep in.  Moreover, it's going to cost me a lot less than I feared.  So my parents won't suspect a thing and all will be well.

Except that it's not, and it shouldn't be.  I'm still paying, and the money I have to spend on this should be going towards something else.  There are other parts of the car that have to be fixed, for example.  Or, the money that's going to replace the mirror assembly I could use to, you know, give to strippers.

I've thought about getting a seasonal job now, just to make up for the fact that I'm spending extra money for this.  But then I thought, Why should I?  Why do I have to make this radical change to my lifestyle because some asshole stole my mirror glass?  I shouldn't, and if I do work it'll be because I'm panicking.  So no, I won't panic.  But having some money would be nice, though.

Anyway, such are the selfish advantages to putting things behind me, assuming nothing goes wrong tomorrow.  That finally allows me to move on ... to other things ... like the fucking disaster at work Sunday.

I knew this was going to happen, me coming in all frazzled over the guy I had a run-in with the last time I was there.  But, like I always do, I try to mitigate that by openly confessing my fears and loathings, not just to the people I'm working with, but anyone within earshot.  So they know I'm crazy.

No, I did not see this asshole Sunday; even though I did feel like walking around and see if I could run into him and maybe pick a fight with him, I couldn't find him.  What I did do, however, was screw up when it was gametime.  How quickly a person you think's a good guy changes when you fuck up.  I was flush and scared of messing up the rest of the game.  I got so flustered that I lied when another of my "bosses" asked me a question.  Didn't help that the other day players called me out on my lie.  I lie when I get flustered, OK?  Sue me, goddammit!!!

I have no idea if they trust me anymore.  After the game they were all, "Well, we might not come back."  That's even worse.  Because the team is so bad now, there's a chance a different, lower-ranked crew would come in -- one I haven't worked before.  So they might not hire me because they don't know me.  And these guys might not hire me again because they think I'm stupid.  I'm damned every which way, aren't I?  I'm not working with these guys ever again, am I?  My dream of being in sports is over, isn't it?

How It All Went Down

This stolen mirror is consuming my life.  I have so many other things I need to do right now, yet I feel I can't get to those unless I deal with the mirror first.  Luckily, the part came in today -- these guys are good, and damn fast -- and if it's able to be attached tomorrow, my parents won't know what happened.  That's my goal, and in fact it's my overriding fear, that they'll find out.  Hopefully, you readers, if I have any, are the only ones to know the truth.

I have never missed the MLS Cup, the Super Bowl for the national professional soccer association, Major League Soccer.  Like I did last year, I went to ... I'll keep their name out of it.  I'll just say that it's downtown and I know they'll let me watch the game at the bar in peace.  And they did.

After the game -- it was fantastic, a 2-1 win by Colorado where the deciding goal was an own-goal by the Dallas player -- I decided to walk around downtown a bit.  Haven't been down there, in particular that part of downtown, in a long while.  The theaters were dark, so I walked around there without fear someone I worked with as an usher would spot me.  It was great, a downtown jaunt on a Sunday night on my own.  I could have gone home, but I realized I didn't really want to go home.

But I had to because I saw all that I wanted to see.  So I get in my car, which is parked at a meter.  And I'm just looking around ... and I notice that my driver's-side mirror is gone!  It's just the glass, not the mirror housing too, but the thing I use to look for cars on my left when I change lanes ... well, that's gone.

It was strange.  I looked all around the ground to see if someone just smashed it to bits, or even threw it on the ground after they pried it off.  Upon closer inspection, I don't know if this was a case of vandalism; the teeth that attaches the back of the mirror to the housing was chipped, but beyond that, nothing else was missing.  When I got home and started researching, I learned that, apparently, there is a market for mirror glass.  They're valuable, for some damn reason.  I don't get it.

When I learned that, I harkened back to what I saw walking back to my car.  I don't know why, because I see them all the time, but just before I opened my door I saw a Lexus parked on the other side of the street.  It was green, I think, but besides that it looked like a Lexus, even the same make and model.  "Cool, a fellow Lexus," I thought, before getting in.

When I got out to see where the hell my mirror was, the Lexus was gone.  Oh my God, was it them?  Would they be so brazen, or stupid, to stick around after taking my glass?  And why didn't I go after them?

I feel violated.  I really do.  I thought downtown was safe, but obviously it's not.  And I feel guilty because I do think I could've done something.  Why didn't I get the license of the car across the street?  What would've happened if I didn't walk around downtown and instead got into my car straight from the bar?  Hell, why didn't I just stay home and not watch the game?  I could've prevented this vandalism so I wouldn't have to pay what I have to pay for a new glass.

And why the fuck would somebody just take my glass?  Couldn't they order one?  They broke it off; I have no idea if they'd be able to just attach it to their own car at that point.  Or are they just trying to sell it on eBay?

I keep thinking back to the car.  Goddamn, that was them -- they did it, they stole my mirror.  They were right across the street.  And I let them get away.  What if.  That's all I'm left with, again.

Oh My God, I Am Having The Worst Hours Of My Life Right Now

Not only did someone steal my side mirror glass last night, but my pants ripped this afternoon.  I thought I had heard something when I was getting out of my car, but only realized it when I left home to grab coffee.  I was at the body shop getting an estimate on a new side mirror assembly -- they say they have to replace the whole goddamn thing, and I'm really skeptical, but what the fuck can I do? -- and even though I never took off my coat, I'm sure they were able to see the seat of my jeans.  Probably didn't want to say anything because maybe they thought I was rocking a new two-tean jean.

And now my laptop mouse doesn't work.  It can't left-click, and now it's completely shot.  Right now, even with the relatively low estimate on the assembly replacement, all I see right now is money to fix my car, money to get new jeans, money to get a new mouse, money-money-money. ...  Money I don't fucking have.

Fuck my life.

Someone ripped out my driver's side side mirror glass tonight.  Might give more details soon.  In shock right now. ...

Icestorms Are No Goddamn Fun

I hate slippery roads.  That's why I prefer the cold in winter to snow; I'll put on the layers, just let my drive on dry roads.  If it's snowy, I can't steer, and I can't brake, and I get into accidents and I die.

That's another reason why I love living here; it's so cold that icestorms and freezing rain are rare.  Unfortunately, one of those rare times is happening right now.

I was out watching a game at a bar when I started driving back an hour ago.  My first sign that something was wrong tonight, besides the few weather reports I heard about today, was the slippery driveway at My Favorite Stripclub.  I mean it was coated in ice, everywhere.  Then, one of the bartenders reported he was out and about and said that it was so bad out there that "you have to give the guy in front of you a football field" and that one of the highways was closed.

That decided it for me; I left the club.  Why does bad news about driving convince me to immediately go out and drive?  In the past I've done that for torrential rain and snowstorms.  If I were smart, I'd wait it out.  But no, I go charging out like Custer at Little Big Horn.

I decided to take the side streets, and it wasn't too bad.  But when I came through University up through the end of Nordeast, up to the bridge splitting the railway, I saw a line of stalled cars.  I stopped ... and then I didn't stop.  Oh, shit.  I stepped on the brake and was able to finally stop myself just as the car began to veer to the right.  I caught half a breath before seeing there was a car behind me, so I had to goddamn gun it to complete the turn the car began without my permission.

There was no way I could use University now, so I turned around very slowly with the help of a glazed-over driveway and went up Central instead.  I figure that not only are there a lot of traffic lights to deter anyone from going too fast, there's enough car traffic that maybe the roads aren't that slippery.  Not exactly true; I had to use the brake a couple times and my vehicle was skittering.  But I thought the quieter streets leading to the house were going to be the worst, and they weren't.  There were some cars driving, and as I hate to admit it, I think they were being a tad too overcautious.  Of course, I saw police cars and their flashing lights attending to the scenes of many, many crashes.

The only time I was really scared was when I drove up to my driveway.  I had a hell of a time climbing up into my garage, and I was skidding towards my parents' minivan a couple time doing it.  I am not looking forward to work tomorrow morning.  But I thought I had to worry about the streets between here and downtown.  Now, I have to worry about the icy menace lurking just outside on the fucking driveway.

What happened last night overrode what I wanted to talk about tonight, namely how My Fucking Father was being a little bitch again tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you beepin'.  I didn't mean to get in front of you like that.  But I looked over my shoulder to make sure the coast was clear and it was.  You fuckin' came out of nowhere, probably made a turn onto my lane.  I sure as hell didn't cut in front of you, because you weren't there.

Then again, I had been drinkin'.

Gosh, I hope the driver doesn't know the boyfriend of the stripper who I saw tonight and to whom I showed my dick.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1). This has been a very good week for Minnesota sports, possibly the best in WMNSS history. There were only five losses total for the eight teams in the Survey, and most of them were mitigated by wins. In fact, there was only one local team that turned in a completely pathetic performance (I think you know who). So who's at the top?

I have to give it to the team that is playing exceptionally well in a do-or-die knockout round. The Minnesota women's soccer team won their first- and second-round games in the NCAA Tournament last weekend. After coming back from a halftime deficit to score three goals and defeat first-round opponent Creighton, they shut down the seeded team in the pod, Texas A&M, in a thorough 2-0 victory the day after the snowstorm. I was there for that game (as well as Friday's); the tableau of soccer against snowbanks under a cold, cloudy sky was its own kind of beautiful. Anyway, their upset of the Aggies, ranked in the last national polls ninth in the country, was a very impressive, even if they had home-field advantage.

Individual accolades go to Forward Katie Bethke, who scored three goals over last weekend and thus made TopDrawerSoccer.com's Team Of The Week. She currently leads all in the tourney in goals and shots on goal (8). And I have to say that it heartened me to see the Gophers play so well. They outclassed both the Bluejays and A&M in connected passes as well as winning individual battles for the ball. Tamara Strahota, in particular, typifies the toughness this team has displayed so far.

This is the second time in program history they've reached the Sweet 16. Now is their chance to make a breakthrough. Not only is their third-round game against Georgetown at Robbie tomorrow at 1, the Hoyas are, like Minnesota, unseeded. Now, they did upset the #1 seed in the region, Maryland, but that was by penalty kicks, so they got lucky. Besides, without that win, the Gophers wouldn't have won what I think is the record game and tapped to host. I'll be there tomorrow rooting on this team; they have a great chance to reach the Elite Eight. The Gopher soccer team, one of the last eight!

#-1: Gopher football (Last Week: -8). They'll never be this high until they get a good coach to turn around this program; in other words, this is partially a charity case. But this win over Illinois, 38-34, was remarkable for a couple reasons. First, this was won on the road. And second, the Gophs were down by ten points with eight minutes remaining. All season, when confronted with such long odds, you knew they were going to lose. And yet somehow, for some reason, they rallied to win. This gives interim Head Coach Jeff Horton as many wins as Tim Brewster.

The comeback began on the ensuing kickoff, where Troy Stoudermire took the ball back 90 yards to the Illini 4. Two plays and 19 seconds after Illinois scored, DeLeon Eskridge punched the ball in. The defense stiffened, the offense moved the ball, and in the end they won. For his spark, Stoudermire was named Big Ten Special Teams Player Of The Week. Good for them; they've earned their rest this week in anticipation of their season finale hosting Iowa on the 27th.
#-2: Gopher men's basketball (Re-Entry!). A good start to a team regarded by many as Tubby Smith's best since he got here. They started their season 3-0, none of them second-division scrubs: Wofford, then Siena, then Western Kentucky in the first round of the Puerto Rico Tip-Off.

What makes them imposing is their interior force. Trevor Mbakwe, finally settled with his off-court crimes, bolsters the bigs on the roster, Colton Iverson and Ralph Sampson III. This team will win not by shooting from the outside or guard play, but through post play and lay-ups. Now, will those three be able to match up with North Carolina's Harrison Barnes, a guy touted as being so good that he became the first newcomer -- out of high school, mind you -- to be named to the Associated Press' All-America presason team? Their win over the Hilltoppers means they draw the Tar Heels next, and they play them tonight!

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). A sweep of the Michigan teams at home, but like most matches this season, it didn't go as one would plan it. The Wolverines are the better team, yet the Gophs swept them Friday. And yet on Saturday, Michigan St., a team that's now 4-12 in-conference and 12-15 overall, took them to five sets. They still seem to have trouble closing out games.

Still, a win's a win. Also, Libero Jessica Granquist was named conference Defensive Player Of The Week and they rose to 19th in the AVCA Top 25. They are on the road this week: At Wisconsin tonight, at Illinois tomorrow afternoon (that's going to be trouble; the second of a back-to-back, playing at the best team in the Big Team, less than 24 hours playing another team in another state?? Who schedules this?)

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -4). They go 2-1 for the week. Could this team be that good? I still think that bag skate Head Coach Todd Richards made the team go through early this season set a tone. Besides Goalie Nicklas Backstrom, Center Mikko Koivu and winger Martin Havlat, there is no one on this team that I would consider to be an elite player. This team is playing over their heads. Not that I'm complaining. They are playing at Detroit right now. It'll be a one-game road trip; they face the New York Rangers and Philadelphia at the X later this screening week.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5). Wow, talk about teams playing over their heads! When was the last time this club went 2-2 in a week? Did they do that even once last season?

They made national news with Kevin Love's 31-point, 31-rebound game in the win over New York on Friday. It was the first time someone scored at least 30 and pulled down at least 30 reebs in 28 years. Losses at Atlanta and Charlotte followed, but at least they were close losses (by six and three, respectively); I'll take that as a sign that not only does this team care, they are talented enough to compete. Finally, they pulled out a win at Target Center on Wednesday with a jumper by Michael Beasley to beat the Los Angeles Paper Clips. They now have won four games; last season it took them into December to do that.

As much as Love has gotten the pub, Beasley has been a revelation this week. Maybe we just haven' t seen it, and Love's once-in-a-lifetime night brought more attention to Beasley's vastly improved game. I am most glad that, for the first time since Kevin Garnett was traded, more than one player has settled into a role. Beasley, at least right now, is the #1; Love is the #2 and the main rebounder; all others are role players, at least until supposed top Point Guard Jonny Flynn comes back from injury and takes control of the Triangle Offense, if he's capable.

We'll see how long this magic carpet ride lasts. As has been noted by many b-ball sabrematricians, Beasley is sinking jump shots at a rate that is unsustaintable, at least for someone who's not Jordan. They just tipped off against the Bastard Minneapolis Lakers; they visit the Bastard Seattle SuperSonics for a one-game road trip (like the Wild at Detroit tonight) Monday, then host the just-divorced Tony Parker and the San Antonio Spurs Wednesday.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Re-Entry!). Some team was going to get squeezed, and this week it's the Gopher women ballers. They went a very good 2-1 in their first week of play. But they lost the Best Buy Classic (they won their first game against Northern Illinois) when they lost to Wisconsin-Green Bay by four points due to turnovers and miscues. They rebounded nicely by defeating Pitt (all three games were at Williams Arena). But I get the feeling that this will be yet another plodding year: nondescript, fans still in the afterglow of the Whalen-McCarville Final Four days. This team is a lot closer to the inept squads before that age than those teams of recent years.

They host another tournament, the Subway Classic, this weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they play another school in the Wisconsin School System, Wisconsin-Milwaukee (hope this goes better than their game against the Green Bay Phoenix), then Sunday play either South Dakota or Dayton. Is Dayton a really good team? I think Dayton's a really good team.

#-7: Vikings (Last Week: -2). Wow. I had a bad feeling about this game, which only gave me more incentive to go watch the Gopher soccer team Sunday afternoon instead of this. Thank Buddha I made the right choice. Now, Chicago shut out Miami last night, so it might turn out that the Bears are a really good teram. But from what I heard and seen, it's not as if the ViQueens (first time I ever used that perjorative, though it fits) put up much of a fight -- no pass rush, unable to convert on third down, unable to stop Chicago on third down, every single Wide Receiver on the team on the bench.

It's funny; Love did that 30-30 and Beasley went supernova this week to win the Woofie Dogs two games the same weekend the Vikes turned in such a terrible performance that may have sunk their postseason chances this year -- and the chances this organization stays in Minnesota for good. It is a hell of a lot better to be surprising young team than a disappointing old one. But that's where the Vikes are right now; the Timberwolves are now this metropolitan area's favorite team.

It's Packer Week at the Dome. Green Bay Tight End Jermichael Finley tweeted that we are done, and that the Pack is going to apply the finishing blow to them Sunday. Hate to say it, but I believe him.

I apologize to the driver who let me in to get on the road amid heavy waiting traffic at the U., just to be the first car left behind at the intersection red light on the way to the off-ramp to 35WS.  I really do appreciate what you did for me because I was waiting so darn long where I was parked.  And I would've given you a wave to thank you, but with so many cars I was thinking I should just get a move on.  Again, I'm sorry if you feel I snubbed you or took advantage of you.  I am really grateful for what you did for me.

Just One Of Them Days

So I hit the snooze button a couple times after 10. There is something that I set the alarm for, but I forget because I'm trying to sleep, so it can't be that important anyway.

Grandmother tapped my door. A few minutes in semi-sleep I remember why I set the alarm: I promised Grandmother I would take her to the grocery store after a couple days telling her I had no time. So I get up.

But then Grandmother receives a call; don't worry, she says, my friend will take me, don't worry about it. But I'm all dressed! Then I remember that I needed to get through this online course. Instead of going back to sleep, I might as well take some time hacking my way through it.

So I do that, and I surf on the side. And I fall into that trap of getting sucked into the Interweb. I kept looking at the clock, knowing I have to get to "work" by 1, and I want to eat that new enchilada Taco Bell's hawking on TV. But I had to go to facebook, had to go to MySpace, check up on SI.com and The Big Lead ... and of course I totally forgot about studying.

And then I have ten minutes before noon. I definitely want to hear the start of the Common Man's Progrum at 12, so that's the incentive for me to finally break free from the Internet's seductive grip and go ... except I waited till exactly noon to shut off the computer. I really should've left in time for me to hear his introduction by the time I parked at, say, McDonald's. Even starting the car to his intro would've given me enough time to eat. But I didn't. I didn't have enough time to get to my car; at high noon I was still changing and turned on my radio.

But I didn't hear Common's "Fanfare For The Common Man" montage; it was Brett Favre's weekly press conference. Shoot, I forget that it's always on Wednesdays ... and then I remember that on Wednesdays, I don't come in at 1, I come in at 12:30!!! Oh, now there's no way I can eat. Lucikly I realized that now instead of just after I ordered. I had to bolt out of there. And to think I waited because I wanted to hear his introduction; maybe I would've left earlier if I knew that at high noon there was going to be a press conference featuring an over-the-hill, underperforming dongshower who "um"'s and "ah"'s his way through speaking.

Going the route I take, I'm usually pleasantly surprised at how quickly I get there. This time it took 25 minutes, and then I had trouble finding a parking spot. I was, like, three minutes late when I finally closed the door behind me to run to the lab. But I had to turn back because I have OCD where I need to make sure I lock the doors or else it'll get stolen. I'm in a running frame of mind, so I run the, oh, 20 feet back to my car -- except I hit a crack or uneven part of the sidewalk. I know I tried to regain my balance, but I couldn't. It was the first time in a long time that I really, really fell, like ass-over-teakettle fell, in public. I'm alright -- scraped my left knee and the heel of my right hand really took the force of the fall. Glad no one came right up to me and did a Nelson: "Ha-ha!" (And by the way, I saw that it was locked.)

I should be more embarrassed that the public saw me run like a doofus part of the way to "work." Then again I've always done that. Anyway, I get to the front door of the building. The door is really heavy, one of those that swings back after you swing it open, so you have to make a little bit extra effort to open it. I guess I did, but when I went through the opening, the door starting swinging back and caught the bottom button of my coat. It was loose anyway -- my aunt sewed it back on for me a couple years ago when it first fell off -- but it had to be today where it was torn off. Luckily I heard it and picked it up. It resides in my pocket now.

The final weird thing that happened today (now yesterday) was after I spent a half-hour taking a shit during a break at work. I open up the door to the lab and I immediately see one of the workers there. He's rushing out the door, and I almost hit him, but I barely missed him. In fact, it was if he gave me the minimum space necessary for me to come through the door, except I couldn't come in because he was in the way.

This guy was someone I spoke to one time, but that was a long conversation. He was Chinese and wanted to know if I was born in the States. He wasn't; he's a international student. So I thought I would just say hi because he knew me. Except that he didn't say anything to me after I passed him. It was like he didn't even know me at all. Weird.

I would include the broken garage door, but Father figured out it wasn't broken.

Bad Driver: BW867

This was this time last week, when I was still fuming over this asshole at work that weekend.  (I have to admit that I'm still fuming because I'll run in to this arrogant bastard this weekend.)  And that day had an inordinate number of rude and careless drivers on the road.

I was driving for my before-dinner coffee.  I had a car in front of me, a very small, obsolete, and beat-up white Hyundai Accent, driving very slowly.  It had one of those special license plates, one that didn't have the normal three letters or numbers to the left of the state logo and three letters or numbers to the right.  Instead it had five of these characters all bunched in the middle, superimposed on a design which includes a flag that mostly sticks out on the left-hand side.  A man who wouldn't splurge for a new car will shell out a little money for a vanity plate for it.  OK. ...

I would move to the other lane, but my right turn was just past the intersection.  Just then, he abrupty stopped, put on his turn lane, then got out of my way.  Normally I'd just scream, "Geez, what an idiot!"  But with the past several days I was having, this example of highway incompetence was the last straw.  So I honked at him.

I got a red light.  Always do at this particular intersection.  I try to look at my rearview mirror whenever I honk at someone, so I got a good, steady view of this car immediately stopping, backing up, turning back, and driving up alongside me.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.  Not this shit -- not any day, but especially not today.  I felt the testosterone coarse through me.  I've felt like I've needed to defend my manhood a lot -- every day, practically -- but this truly was the first time in a long time, if not ever, that my fight-or-flight instinct was 100% in the former.  I was ready to fight, goddammit!  So as this shitty Accent crept up alongside my driver's side, I did the only thing I could do to express how crazily pissed off I was without actually getting out of my car: I immediately stared at him.  And I didn't even blink.  Not once.

As I surmised, the driver was a young white male, and this one had a buzzcut, just like me.  And as soon as I saw him, he stared right back at me.  He was spoiling for a fight, too.  And I didn't see him blink once either.  No matter, at least physically -- I continued to lock eyes with this fucker, trying to burn a hole inbetween his eyes.  But at one point, while our Mexican stalemate continued with no break from either party nor a disqualifying intervention by a green light, I thought to myself, Shit, you really got yourself in something now.

But then he turned his head away!  I won the staring manhood contest, yay!!!  But either I tried to make sure I wasn't fucking around or my emotions got the best of me, I still didn't blink or look away.  I re-locked on his eyes when looked at me and looked again, and again.  He had a passenger with him, what looked to be a cute-looking girl, also about high school age.  She was looking at me, then her friend, then me, then her friend, like our staring contest was a tennis match.  And when that guy "lost" yet I still gazed their way, she chuckled and made fun of me, like she was saying, "Look at this asshole!"  Damn right I'm an asshole.

But what could I do?  When he wasn't looking at me, he seemed to be looking at my lane past the intersection.  He was lost, apparently.  Well, I don't know if I could stop him from cutting me off, even with an Accent, so on the green light I just stared at them as they started driving while I idled.

They did get on my lane, though without indicating.  Either this guy is a prick on the road or he was too scared of me to turn on his blinker; hope it's the latter, probably was the former.  Anyway, so this car takes a right where I wanted to take a right.  I pass the turn just in case, and sure enough, this shit subcompact takes another turn to the stripmall where the place I wanted to get coffee is.  Newman!  I gave the image I was crazy, but I don't have the means to back it up, so I had to turn around and go home, without my cup of joe.

Been back there many times since.  Haven't seen the car.  I don't think he was pulling into the coffeeshop intentionally; I think he was still lost the last time I saw the Accent.  Which means only one thing: This guy is a really shitty driver.

My Grandmother And Me, Part II

3) An hour after taking Grandmother to her hairdresser's, she calls.  She said it would take all afternoon.  Sheesh.

I pass by the kitchen on the way down the stairs to the front door.  She has the rice cooker on; it has the keep warm light on.  There are also plastic cups of leftovers laying out on the counter.  She has these ready to be cooked once she gets home.

Coming home, she bullshits about things I don't understand and don't care about even if I did understand.  If I recall correctly, she was looking at and asking about restaurants and fast food shops along the way.

And then, as she has done many times before, she tells me, "Take me to the grocery store.  I want to get something to eat."

"But you have leftovers you took out of the fridge at home!" I say.

"There's nothing to eat at home," she replied.

But you just took out ... oh, never mind, she's in her eighties.

4) One day last week I came home from "work" and smelled this, um, unique fragrance.  Didn't think anything of it till I got to the kitchen.

There I saw Grandmother had a pot boiling on the stove.  But the smoke coming up from under the lid was profuse, and the smell that I smelled when I came in did not smell like any food I know.  So I open the lid.  It was all black and burned underneath.  Then I looked inside the pot.  There was nothing in the pot.  Grandmother put a completely empty pot on a hot stove.

I think she was done cooking something but, as she has done once in a while, forgot to turn off the coil.  She then moved the empty pot onto the coil thinking it was cold because she wanted to move some stuff around.  Either that or she planned to cook something, put the pot on the stove, turned it on, went back into her room to watch her videos and completely forgot about it, which she has oftentimes done, and also forgot that she didn't put anything in it.

Anyway, I told her about the stove and what happened to the pot.  It's a pot we use frequently, and it may have been so badly burned that it was unusable.  Grandmother tried to cool it and scrape away the burns, but I doubt she did.

I'm glad I came home when I did.  If I came back any later, who knows what would've happened?

And by the way, if My Father doesn't know where this gutter extension is, it must mean it's stolen.  If that's the case ... why in the hell would someone steal a gutter extension?

I noticed that the gutter extension on the ground in the front yard was missing.  But it was one of those things that I saw once and forgot.

So just now Father was in a tizzy.  He asked me where it was; I said I didn't know.  Apparently that gutter thing is important; My Father said the water was entering into the house.

God, I was outside watching a soccer game this afternoon, I don't need this shit today, either the water or My Fucking Father.

Sleeping Through The Alarm

One of the good things about being unemployed is that your time is your own.  That's an underrated feeling of independence and freedom, the ability to do what you want and go where you want to go.  And, also, to wake up when you want to.  I'll get up when I feel like fucking waking up because I refuse to pick up a paycheck in exchange for being someone's slave, thank you very much.

However, I do have a few things I need to do from time to time, and so I set my phone alarm.  (I have one on my watch, but I think it's too quiet, plus the buttons are worn and don't work sometimes.  I also have one on my radio, but the buttons for it don't work.)  I don't mind having an alarm clock to wake up to if I am waking up to something I want to do.  I've been waking up at 12:30 in the afternoon, and that is awesome.

I have had this fear that when I was working I would blow through the alarm clock, in fact using as little as my brain as possible to move, grab or push the device making that infernal racket, and turn it off before going back to bed.  There was no conscious move to be late for work or blow it off, but my subconscious or body -- or the real me -- decided I didn't give a shit if I missed whatever appointment I had to hold to.  I was tired, and if it was enough for me to skip work, so be it.  I've lost employment many times over this.

I did think that those days came to an end in my recent spate of unemployment.  I would have plenty of time to rest the night before, so how could I ever sleep late?

Well, it happened to me.  Twice.  And I'm ashamed to admit it.

The first time was a couple weeks ago, when I had to go into "work" for a fresh bottle of pills I'm taking for this experiment.  I scheduled this a couple weeks before but at 11 a.m., a time that, even if I'm woken up via alarm at that time, wouldn't bother me; I'd be like, "You know, I should get up."

I set my alarm; I had one thing I wanted to do, then I'd go.  Well, I was woken up by the phone -- not its alarm but a call.  I didn't catch her name, but I thought she was from the experiment.  I was in a still out-of-it frame of mind, but I needed to discern if she was actually from the experiment, than exactly why she was calling me.  After she told me she was from the experiment, I reminded her I was supposed to drop by at 11.

"It's 11:30," she replied.

Huh?  I finally get enough brain cells to fire its impulses for me to be awake enough to look over to the floor and see my clock.  And indeed, it was 11:30.

Oh no! I cried.  No-no-no-no-no!  Dammit!  I really was vocalizing my hate for myself at this point.  I couldn't believe I couldn't wake up for an 11 o'clock appointment for an experiment I decided to sign up for.

But then I remebered a few things.  I was up late the night before, but thinking there's no way I would deactivate the alarm and fall back to bed; I mean, that's unprofessional.  And I remember hearing the sound of the alarm, reaching over and fumbling with it, thinking, "I just need a couple more minutes ..." then closing my phone and eyes.

Without that call, I could have stayed asleep till 2 in the afternoon.  I've done that before, a few times, in my post-college years.  Those days were wonderful.  Anyhoo, none of the experimenters were upset.  Thank God.

---

I have slept through an alarm twice in my post-employment phase.  Both times have happened within a month.

The second time occurred yesterday morning.  It was for a 7:30 a.m. housecall by the nurse.  They're scheduled so early because Mother has to take part.  But they're always a pain in the ass.  This time it was exacerbated by me staying up till 4:30 a.m., which in itself was exacerbated because I was feeling really tired that night.  But I set the alarm at 7 anyway.

I was woken up by the feeble tapping at my door by Grandmother.  I had no idea what she was going to ask me to do.

"Come out."

"Huh?"

"The nurse is here."

"... Oh, really?"

Yeah, I got conscious real quick.  The nurse didn't seem to mind either.  But it was still very weird and somewhat inappropriate for the nurse to see you come out in pajamas after Grandmother loudly announced that you were asleep.

The scary thing is is that unlike the day of the experiment, I don't remember getting up or turning off the alarm or anything.  Furthermore, just now I turned on my space heater.  The button on the dial to set the controls is missing, so I use the flat side of a blade on my Swiss Army knife to turn it shut, then unplug it so it doesn't waste energy.

Well, it's cold and I wanted my room to be warmer, so I plugged it in ... and it started.  It's like I didn't even bother with the knife and just unplugged it.  I must've done it when I was woken up by my phone alarm.  But I don't remember fucking doing that at all.

Fucking Snowstorm

Goddamn motherfucking snowstorm.  First one of the season and it's gonna dump almost a foot of snow here?  And it's wet snow, heart-attack snow.  I just shoveled for 90 minutes and I'm almost gonna fuckin' die.  And I have to drive out here because I'm scheduled for "work."  Fuck this shit.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -1). No games played in this special six-day screening weeks, but they top all the other teams on this list because they have a special game, or games, they will play the next week. They qualified for the NCAA Tournament, their seventh in program's 17-year history and the first since getting to the Sweet Sixteen two years ago.

Moreover, the Gophers were tapped to host a pod this weekend, the second time they've been selected as a host (the first was the Sweet Sixteen run in 2008), even though they're not the ranked team. (Unlike the basketball tournament, where every team is given a seed and is matched up accordingly, the NCAA only seeds the top sixteen teams for women's soccer, four #1-4's. The other teams are bracketed on travel guidelines; since this tournament doesn't make money, the NCAA wants to keep member schools from flying to sites far away because the expense wouldn't justify the cost.) Moreover, they have a shot at winning both of their games here; if they beat Creighton, their first-round opponent, the Gophers face the ranked team in their pod, but only a 4-seed, Texas A&M (they have our neighbors four hours away up 94, North Dakota St.). They also had a 4-seed in their pod, Colorado, when they hosted two years ago, but the Gophs didn't even have to worry about the Buffaloes because they were upset in the first round by South Dakota St.

Soccer, at least as I see it on the pitch, is a very unpredictable sport, and many times I feel as if the better team on paper doesn't win. Add that Minnesota has the home-pitch advantage, and I will go to all three games thinking they have a chance of repeating their magic of two years ago. (Even if they lose, I will go to the second-round match Sunday afternoon.)

#-2: Vikings (Last Week: -9). Fuckin' A, that win put hair on my balls. This season, this team, this franchise was dead midway through the fourth quarter. How could a team playing so bad come back from 14 points down? But Brett Favre found his magic, somehow, Percy Harvin went buckwild, the Bastard Chicago/St. Louis Cardinals started playing like they were five years old, and the defensive line finally got some pressure on Derek Anderson. This team had no right to win, but they salvaged, well, everything with Sunday's victory.

The Vikes have become the NFL's best soap opera now that the Wade Phillips era has come to a merciful end in Dallas. After every game there's something new. This week, a story by a reporter for the Chicago Sun-Times (who used to work for the St. Paul Pioneer Press) revealed that six players want Head Coach Brad Childress fired, but their loyalty towards their teammates prevents them from laying down the rest of the year. Well, that's nice.

Actually, in any other season, I'd be scared that this is a sign of turmoil within the club. But it sounds like anything that could happen with this season's team has happened or is happening (i.e. Donggate). As bad as this sounds -- and this could be grist for a mill that still shreds the rest of the year -- this is not the worst thing to happen. And if we take these anonymous players on their word, that they will not give up on their fellow players, well, God bless 'em. They certainly will need all that and more as they go to Chicago and face the vaunted Bears defense -- and a Bears offense that could burn them but nonetheless should allow the defensive line time and opportunity to sack Jay Cutler -- Sunday afternoon. No time to feel you are safe away from the woodchipper, fellas.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -5). Good fucking Buddha, please put that strange, awful loss to Indiana behind you as much as possible, ladies. They beat Purdue at Purdue in four sets, thereby ensuring the program extends its record-long streak of consecutive weeks ranked in the AVCA Top 25 to 44. The 22nd-ranked team will probably need to sweep the Michigan schools, which they're playing at home this weekend, to get that to 45 weeks. But Michigan, which is their Friday opponent, is ranked 16th.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -2). A 1-1 road week -- they followed up a solid 3-2 win at Columbus with a turd of a 5-1 loss at Atlanta (which, as was pointed out by KARE's Randy Shaver, watched by, like, 2,000 fans. The number of empty seats for this Thrashers game was stunning. Really, hockey is not a Southern sport, therefore I renew my call that there be no franchise in a city that doesn't have snow in the winter). I hope the effects from the bag skate haven't worn off yet.

The only insight I've been able to glean this week is that Defenseman Brent Burns is playing better, and that he and Nick Schultz comprise the Wild's top blueliner duo. This week they complete their Southern Swing with stops in Florida and Tampa Bay before returning home with a date with Anaheim on Wednesday.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). Sports fans across the state a so starved for any good news coming from the Woofie Dogs that even a scrap of news that's not pessimistic is met with disproportionate rapture. And we got two pieces of such news this week.

First, they didn't embarrass themselves playing at the Bastard Minneapolis Lakers Tuesday. In fact, they were within two points halfway through the fourth quarter, but they couldn't quite get over the hump over a Lakers squad that, for some reason, didn't blow this team out like they should have. That meant the Timberwolves were able to easily cover the 17-point spread Vegas lines gave them (they lost 99-94).

Trying so hard and falling short to a talented team usually means they'll get blown out by a much weaker team the next game of a back-to-back. But that didn't happen here. In fact, on Wednesday they were able to beat the Bastard Cincinnati Royals in Sacramento Wednesday, 98-89, ending a six-game losing streak and a road streak of 17 games that started last season. I really want to put the Wolves higher in the WMNSS, but that's just because I'm going off the euphoria I still feel from picking up a victory on the road. (The results to the Lakers and Kings almost made me forget they gave Houston their first win of their season Sunday in an execrable 120-94 blowout.)

What I've known for some time: Kevin Love can flat-out play, especially when it comes to rebounding. What I didn't know till Wednesday: Michael Beasley can flat-out play, which he did to the tune of a career-high 42 points in that win. They've got a busy schedule this week: hosting New York, a quick trip to Atlanta and Charlotte, then back to Target Center against the Bastard Buffalo Braves.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4). This team woke up from the trance that allowed Wisconsin to walk into Mariucci and beat the shit out of them 6-0 the previous night. And they played up to their talent level ... which was a 3-3 tie with the Badgers Saturday. A difference in the series: Kent Patterson was the goalie in Saturday's tie; Alex Kangas was the netminder in Friday's self-immolation (though I'm shocked Head Coach Don Lucia didn't pull Kangas in the four-goal second period). What now? It's starting to feel like the only thing you should expect from this program is mediocrity, which is a tremendous fall from grace for the Notre Dame Of Hockey Programs. They are off this week.

#-7: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -6). I swear I didn't know Wisconsin was ranked first in the country when they lost to the Gophs last Friday. Well, like the Gopher men, they snapped out of what they were in and blitzed Minnesota Saturday, 5-0. However, that win Friday got the program inched up a notch in the USCHO.com Top 10, from 8 to 7. (Meanwhile, the Badgers remain at the top of the poll.) Like their Y-chromosomed analogues, the team is off for the week.

#-8: Gopher football (Last Week: -8). Lost 31-8 last Saturday at Michigan St. The only thing I can comment on is that the spread was 24 points, and I totally believed the Spartans were going to kill the Gophers. Oh well.

There was a sports report, that rarest of things, about the state of the Minnesota football program, on WCCO Wednesday. They made a lot of assumptions about things that had no right to assume, an argument I hate when used in news reports. The most egregious of these presumptions is that you need to spend money to make money. It helps to spend money, but there are two facts to make clear in the face of this "accepted" fact: 1) Minnesota already has spent money. It's called TCF Bank Stadium, featuring the biggest locker room in the nation. That they still couldn't win means that shelling out money for a brand-new edifice doesn't cure everything overnight; and 2) you need to have a winning program to make money. To do that, you have to get the best players you can. And to that end, it helps to find the right coach, not the most expensive.

Going along that point, the Star Tribune (of Minneapolis; and by the way, every time I see a national news network quote something from the Star Tribune they say it's the Minneapolis Star Tribune. It's not; it's just the Star Tribune. It helps to know that the paper is based in and concentrates on Minneapolis, but the city is not a part of the newspaper's official name. Isn't somebody from the Star Tribune going to make sure others know that?) yesterday had a two columns advocating for what kind of coach should be hired for the Gopher job. One says someone experienced, like Mike Bellotti (formerly of Oregon) and Phil Fulmer (ousted from Tennessee). The other says someone young and hungry, like Troy Calhoun (currently coach at Air Force) or Kevin Sumlin (currently at Houston).

Already, two mouth-watering men have said no: Fulmer said it's "not a good fit," and Vikings Defensive Coordinator Leslie Frazier, who once said he was interested in the job, has now come out and said he doesn't want the job. Meanwhile, some former Gopher football players have become so angered over the state of the team that they today they took a full-page out in the Minnesota Daily and put out a website blasting Athletic Director Joel Maturi for hiring Tim Brewster, saying they want a say in who gets hired as Brewster's replacement, and demanding that Maturi should not be the man to hire Brewster's replacement.

My take: There are two factors, which kind of counteract each other, that people have to account for:

1) I would like to find a coach that could make Minnesota a destination, or become a lifer here, such as Joe Paterno in Penn St. But because of our "place" in college football -- that we're never going to be Ohio St. or Michigan, let alone powerhouses that the school stood alongside half a century ago, like Notre Dame -- if the next coach reaches some success, like winning a conference title or Rose Bowl, he's gone. The Gophers are, at best, a stepping stone. Any booster or Gopher official who is dreaming of being king of the conference will have to deal with the consequences of dealing with him walking away from the job and soon as he lifts the trophy. Then again ...

2) This is still the Twin Cities, one of the most livable areas in the nation (even after what Tim Pawlenty did to this area). This is not a college town. There are a lot of other things to do and teams to follow, such as the Vikings right now.

However, I have to think that its big-city status appeals to some good players. It is a plus. And as long as there is a Minneapolis, so long as there isn't this instant, total migration away from the area because of a nuclear accident or terrorist attack, you will have some things with which to recruit good players. They say that San Diego St. is a sleeping giant because it's situated in one of the ten largest cities in the country. Minnesota's the same way. In fact, even though they have turned in almost 50 years of gridiron futility, they still have built-in advantages that an Iowa or Purdue will never have. And the Gophers will always have those advantages. So, I'd suggest that the next coach be OK with living in the big city and recruiting with that in mind. Or, if not that, relax -- we'll always have a chance to awaken. Maybe just not in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, Coach/Dead Man Walking Jeff Horton leads this team to a loss in Illinois tomorrow (Saturday).

In Self-Hate Mode Again

We have precious few sunny and warm days left. We shouldn't be having any now, but for the past four days we've been having clear, bright days with highs in the '60's. I broke out my coat because we had a cold spell the past two weeks, but I really shouldn't've needed it these past four days because it's been so warm.

But the weathermen said that there was going to be a change starting yesterday (Wednesday), and not only are the days of '60's over, but they might be gone for the rest of the year, and even the season. That gave me the incentive to go out and complete the mini-project I started a couple weeks ago: re-painting the vertical grooves on the shed that could use a new coat. I guess I could, you know, paint the whole shed. But I know I only want to do one thing at a time when I hate that thing, and re-painting the grooves on the shed is, to me, different than re-painting the flat panels between the grooves on the shed.

The forecast called for rain today, so I believed Tuesday was the last good day of the year to go out and do it. Besides, these days have been lovely, and since we're getting into the teeth of winter, being outside, especially at a time of year when it's sunny and yet it's not so hot that you don't sweat, is a good thing to do.

So what did I do all day? Well, because I'm still hung over from Daily Saving Time ending, I woke up a little past noon. I went to my laptop, but strange thing, I have this pile of mail I have on my chair that I keep putting on my bed whenever I want to work, and I put it back on the chair when I want to hop into bed. Like I say, it's weird.

Anyway, on top of this pile of mail is my Grandmother's health insurance bill. She's my Grandmother; she's not supposed to be getting bills because she's on Medicare. I promised her I would talk to whoever I needed to talk to in order to clear this up. But I got the run-around -- health insurance company, then my Grandmother's translator/advocate, then the clinic -- before finally being told that she was incorrectly billed because, get this, the Medicare number they had was off by a number. These fucking guys were going to send this bill for a battery of tests my Grandmother endured, tests done way back in August, to collections in a week if she didn't pay. And all because of an incorrect digit. Fuck my life.

I was so winded by the realization all this drama started over a wrong number that ... well, I don't know what I did. I guess I was exhausted, but I think I hopped onto the Internet. What exactly I did I don't remember, and I'm kicking myself for it. There were some productive things I should've done, but I know I didn't do them. Instead, I remember doing at least two things: 1) looking at porn, because I shut off my laptop after I went into the bathroom and rubbed one out; and 2) maintaining my work on Mafia Wars, Mobsters, Overdrive, Green Spot and Green Planet on both facebook and MySpace.

Anyone ever lose track of time while they're on the Internet? I do it all the time, but today, even though Tuesday may have been the last truly good day for the next four months, all I could do was stare at my laptop. It was a visual addiction; I couldn't look away nor break myself free from it. And when it was all over, it was, I think, 3. I wanted to do this at around noon.

Moreover, Grandmother sent me out to buy her some stuff. So, with the fading light of the sun, my need for coffee just before my parents come home and with very little time I gave myself for chores, I ran out and bought groceries for Grandmother, then came home and painted for, like, a half-hour -- I re-painted the grooves of one of the doors on the shed -- before my early-evening joe.

I was so pissed off at myself yesterday. I blew my last perfect chance of doing something I knew I needed to do for a long time within a physical environment that was both conducive to completing this task and beautiful enough to enjoy as is. And I stayed inside jerking off.

At least I had yesterday (Wednesday), sort of. I was able to spend 90 minutes getting the rest of the grooves re-painted. It was clouding up, however, and the wind picked up, and an hour after I finished it started raining. Well, it could be worse; I fully intend on starting to paint the rest of the shed, and I just hope to do that when it's not snowing and freezing outside. But I still keep figuratively hitting myself in the head over Tuesday. It was 69 degrees then, almost 70 -- in November! Why did I pass up such a great opportunity?

We Completed The Dang Fence -- But Why On Halloween??

On Thursday I wanted to go the coffeeshop and work on my writings. But being picky as I always am, I saw that the fence on one side of our house, the one that I finished painting a few weeks ago, seemed askew. I first thought some of the neighbor kids came through here; it's happened once before, I believe. But then I thought the door looked weird because of the weather we had.  There were huge winds, gigantic and unrelenting gales, and it looked like one of the doors on the fence was partially off its hinges.

So I put my laptop down and I investigate. First, I saw that one of the supporting wood braces on the door I wasn't investigating had torn off. Then I saw that the door I was investigating really was partially on its hinges. I wanted to close it back up completely, but as I tried to, it went from partially to completely off its hinges; it tore off and tipped into me. I had to wrestle it to its side, but the door was now on the ground, and anybody could see right into our backyard, the purpose of the door being to prevent that.

I sighed because this is more time wasted from me writing. So I had to call Father about it, who said he'd see. Understood when he said he didn't want to deal with it that day.

---

Halloween.  Grandmother woke me up at 1 -- gloriously late. I thought I had the time, so I sat down on my laptop and did some errands. Grandmother wanted to go to the market, but I wanted one more half-hour to finish.

She asked me this at 2. At about 2:20 I heard the door open. Parents are home -- jigga wha'?! I still had shit to do till 2:30, but I asked Grandmother to wait till I check out what Father was doing outside. Sure enough, Father was out fixing the fence.

I had no choice. I needed to take Grandmother to market. Then I wanted to go and check out the University Avenue Project, then go to the Mall Of America and eat at Hooters and get my free chocolate at Godiva, then stop by My Favorite Stripclub for a little bit, then exercise, then eat at My Favorite Late-Night Place; that should be enough time for all the trick-or-treaters to clear from the streets so I can safely go back to the house without some awkward run-in with some kid demanding candy from me.

Those plans will be altered because I have to do a son's duty.  Besides, I can't give My Father any damn reason to throw me out of the house, or at least more than the ones he already has.  So I drop everything and go help him with the fence.

It is a two-man job; the other fence fell, and it's so heavy, and the process of putting it back on its hinges precise enough, that it can't be done alone.  Still, I had no idea how involved this repair was going to be -- nor how long I was going to be helping Father.

That is because he didn't just take out the bad nails, pound in some good ones, put in a new piece of vertical wood that holds the door to the hinge and the rest of the fence.  No, first he took out a lot of nails, good and bad, then he took out a piece of horizontal wood on top of the fence that was rotting but still held good, I think.  Then he took out more pieces of wood, then told me to help him turn it around and upside-down or something.

When he started taking out another piece of wood from the fence, I started looking at my watch.  I should be at the market with Grandmother by now, I thought to myself.  But I was going to be late.  And when Father continued to think, then work on the fence some more, I started to look at my watch more and mark what I no longer could do -- OK, can't go to the market, have to do that tomorrow for her ... man, it's getting dark for the project, will I be able to see? ... shit man, can I exercise now? ... shit, can I go to the strip bar now? ... my God, it's getting dark -- will we be done before the trick-or-treaters come?

What I think he did, and I don't know for sure, was that he wanted a stronger brace wood (huh?) so that the door won't tear from the fence so easily again, so what he did was take out another that second piece of wood, turn it around or something, and use that.  Don't know why.  But we, along with the help of Mother, who helped me situate the door just so above the ground that Father can attach it to the hinges with screws, finally got it back on, even if it doesn't close flush with the other door.

So I had to take off immediately after we were done.  I apologized to Grandmother for keeping her housebound this Halloween, then I bolted for the project, which was really cool and told, through pictures, the stories of a neighborhood that will be altered for good because the new Light Rail line will go through the avenue, which stretches between both Twin Cities.  I had to forego Hooters though -- will be spending too much gas, besides it's overpriced -- and had to get my free chocolate at a mall closer to University Ave.

I also decided to cut going to the nudie bar -- might as well save money if I don't have the time -- but the community activity center where I worked out was closed, even though they said they'd be open.  But I drove a lot even though I didn't go down to the Megamall because not only did I drive back-and-forth across University but had to change plans and go to a stripclub, though not My Favorite.  Ate and got home well past midnight, with the little kiddies at home in their sugar comas.

I'm over it now, but the most galling thing about spending, I think, about 1 3/4 hours outside just watching Father fix the fence and occasionally lifting it is that it didn't have to be done that day, Halloween.  No, I can understand not wanting to do it the afternoon after it broke, but it could have been done the next day or the next day.  Shit, I cleared my schedule that Thursday and Friday so that I was available if he needed help.  But no, he wanted to do it Halloween for some damn reason, even though he knows I'm always escaping the trick-or-treaters and heading out.

Oh yeah, and I didn't appreciate the goddamn security pushing me when I just wanted to return it.  I didn't want anything, I just wanted to give that arrogant asshole his toys back and off I'd be gone.  Fuckin' toy cops. ...

OK, I thought I'd lost my job after my piss-poor performance last time, but, yes, it turns out I had nothing to worry about because I worked for them again yesterday.  Well, now I think I lost my job after a run-in I had with the company my company works with.

I'll keep this as vague as possible so I don't incriminate myself.  I was told by the people I work for to get something from the company my company works for.  I basically made a promise that I'd return these things when actually the people I work for kept them.

They told me not to worry about it.  I ran into one of the people from the company my company works for.  I should have noted that when I introduced myself and the company I was working for, he noted that of course I was working for them because I was wearing my company's gear.

Little did I know I was a crossroads.  In retrospect, I should've kept my mouth shut; no one would've been the wiser.  Instead, I confessed that I made a mistake when I promised to return them.  I asked this guy if they could keep them.

And that's when this person turned into a preening, grade-A jackass.  He started demanding who asked for them.  Then he threatened to have his bosses speak to my bosses; reading between the lines, he said it wouldn't end well for me if he had to "resort" to that.  Finally, he told me to get them back.  Thankfully, the people I work for told me to return it to them.

What an asshole.  There was no reason to pull such a power trip.  First of all, these things aren't all that precious, except to his dumb ass.  And second, he's an assistant.  That still makes him several pay grades over me, but that's the only good thing about living life in the bottom of the professional totem pole: You can tell it like it is and you don't have to shovel figurative shit for a living.

I'm sure he's petty enough that he still might get me fired over this.  I wouldn't put it past him to try.  Worse yet, I have to work with him again.  What's the next run-in going to be like?  Is he done with it, or is he going to be a prick again?  And will I be forced to defend myself?

I am still so angry and upset over his treatment of me.  And I still don't know whether he wanted to come after me, Lowly Day Laborer Guy, or not.  On the one hand, he seems to be the type to be a miserable jackoff to everybody he meets.  Then again, before I left, the people I worked for told me they did, in fact, get the items I initially got them.  Turns out that somebody else in the company I work for -- somebody higher up, natch -- got them.  So maybe this douchebag's problem isn't the request, but the requester.

And of course I won't be able to do anything about it if I'm never hired again.

My Grandmother And Me, Part I

Three frustrating interactions with my Grandmother:

1) Some time last week on a Thursday.  A Thursday?  I don't know, whatever.

She asks me to rake the leaves even though I think there'll be a lot of time to get to the leaves later but there isn't time to paint the shed, which I wanted to do.  But I have to.

And of course Grandmother comes out and meddles.  I want to make sure I do this shit only once, so I'm careful to rake everything.  But she wants to pick up the leaves now!  So even though I do my best to ignore here, she comes in and breaks up the lawn-wide phalanx of leaves and brush I've accumulated through my raking.  She does it by intercepting the next part of leaves I was about to rake and uses, I think, a cereal box to break it up into little piles.

I fucking hate that.  My plan was to slowly and carefully gather one huge pile of leaves.  That way, not only do I have to worry about spots I missed, I'd have to just carry the plastic bags to this pile.  The fucking way my Grandmother did it this day left me to gather up all the leaves -- and it was a fucking small pile; I swear I've eaten food piled on this small -- then go to another part of the lawn and pick up the next pile.  I have no goddamn clue why Grandmother thinks this is the best way to do this.

And I missed some spots!  It's driving me fucking crazy!!

2) This was the conversation she had with me on Friday morning.

(weak tapping on my bedroom door)

I'm going to the Mimi's and getting my hair did!

(groggy) OK.

(minutes later, more weak tapping on my bedroom door)

OK, let's go!

(still groggy) Huh?  Go where??

Mimi's.

Huh?

I need you to take me to Mimi's.

What?!  I thought you said she was picking you up.

No.  Come on, let's go.

This was ten in the morning when I had at least two good hours of sleep to get through.  I swear I didn't hear her incorrectly.  I swear she told me she was going to her friend's.

There's more, but I have to go to work in three hours.  Part II will have to wait.

Catching Up On An Embarrassing And Pathetic Thing That Happened To Me This Week

I have a lot of downtime at "work" because I'm told to take a lot of breaks while listening to the bloops and bleeps that are my job to differentiate.

Oftentimes when I'm letting my ears rest I do paperwork.  One of those paperwork tasks is writing down expenses in my day planner.  That's why I always ask for receipts if I can get them.

This Monday at the U. I reached in my backpack to get my pens.  Then I tried to find my day planner.  It was not there.  Shit, I remembered it was in my laptop bag when I was carrying it around.

I made an effort to remember to take the day planner from my laptop bag to my bookbag, even as I was lugging my laptop around to write everywhere.  So on Thursday I was confident that I'd finally be able to catch up on my expensing.

So I reach into my bookbag to take out my day planner ... and I realize that I won't be doing anything productive that day either ... because I left my pens ... in the laptop bag.

Fuck my life.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -5). Coincidentally enough, the distaff footballers also beat Northwestern -- the soccer team -- 2-1 on Friday night. Did the two Wildcat teams travel on the same plane or bus? They should have; cuts down on expenses and stuff. That breaks a four-game winless streak.

They have followed that up with a very impressive 3-0 win at Indiana to finish their regular season 4-4-2 in the Big Ten and 12-5-3 overall. More importantly, it's the 200th victory in program history. That should raise their RPI, which as of last week was #35. That should be enough to make the NCAA Touranment, right?

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -4). Finish the screening week 2-1, which is a shock. They should've gone 0-3, but they picked up victories over the best team in the regular season last year, San Jose, on Tuesday, and then outlasted the Bastard Atlanta Flames tonight (Friday night) 2-1. They finish their five-game homestand at 3-2. And the bag skate continues to pay dividends.

They have two games against fellow expansion squads this week: They're at Columbus Saturday, then wait till Thursday before playing at Atlanta.

#-3: Lynx (Re-Entry!). They have done what the Timberwolves have not done. No, not win championships, silly rabbit -- win the lottery! They did so for the third time in the last six years on Tuesday. Barring a calamitous injury, in April they will be selecting Connecticut Small Forward Maya Moore, who helped the Huskies run the table last year and win the NCAA Women's Basketball Tournament.

One problem: The Jynx already have an overall #1 -- Seimone Augustus. Moreover, they have, get this, four other first-round draft picks on their roster. Plus, they have four more first-round draft picks chosen by other teams on their roster. What I'm saying is, if these guys have nine first-round draft picks on the team, why are they in a position to be so bad they could wind up out of the playoffs and getting the first pick in this year's lottery? Shouldn't the Jinx be good enough to get into the postseason by now?? Shit, man, they should've won a championship or two by this point. And if they haven't, will adding Maya Moore really change things?

#-4: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -3). What the fuck got into the Gopher men's hockey team??? The team not only swept Colorado College in Colorado College, they destroyed them, by scores of 4-1 and, get this, 9-4. That's the most they've scored in almost five years.

These teams were evenly matched and shared space near the bottom of the USCHO.com Top 20. So these two resounding victories, by a combined total of 13-5, have to put these guys on top this week. Maybe this is a sign this team is no longer fucking around.

But then came Monday. Sophomore Forward Zach Budish was fucking around in his moped when he got into an accident and tore the ACL in his right knee. Torn ligaments in the knee mean Budish is out for the rest of the year. And for a program that is still razor-thin in talent and still hasn't demonstrated they have the fire to compete (last week's game excluded), this is the worst thing that can happen to them.

And then came tonight (Friday night). Hated rivals Wisconsin came in to Mariucci and introduced them to a little bit of prison sex, 6-0. The Badgers are ranked right in front of the Gophers in this week's USCHO.com Div. 1 poll and it's a rivalry game -- how the fuck do you get blown out by such a high crooked number at home???

I thought these guys deserved a rare spot at the top of the WMNSS, but after this (and because I was really late in doing this) I have to drop these guys down. Sorry, but they don't deserve it. Just be glad I'm not doing this this time tomorrow night, after they lose to Wisconsin again at home.

#-5: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -2). They needed a solid win against a ranked opponent and they did against Northwestern Friday night. I was there to see the Gophers' four-set win over the Wildcats. They gave us a scare because they won the third set; Minnesota's main problem is that they have not been able to deliver the killing stroke, and in fact they've lost, I think, two matches after winning the first two sets. But they won the fourth set relatively easy, 25-18.

Unfortunately, I saw Sophomore Outside Hitter Katherine Harms sprained her ankle while diving for the ball over the scorer's table; her prognosis remains unknown. The injury bug has infected the Gophs this year, with Hailey Cowles gone for the season and Lauren Gibbemeyer missed the first part of the year because of her wrists. But Gibbemeyer's back, and in fact she won Co-Big Ten Player Of The Week for her output in this and the Iowa game.

So what the fuck happened tonight (Friday night)??? Seriously -- a four-set loss at nondescript Indiana??? They have never been an even good team as long as I can remember. How the fuckity-fuck do you lose to Indiana when you're the 19th-ranked team in the country??? How???

I thought these ladies deserved the #-2 spot, but now I can't. They don't deserve it. They have no excuse losing to the Hoosiers, even with the loss of Harms. And they, now sitting 7-6 in the Big Ten, goddamn well don't tomorrow (Saturday) night at Purdue.

#-6: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). The best women's hockey program in Minnesota will, once again, not hail from the Twin Cities. It'll be in Duluth, where last weekend the Bulldogs swept the U. by a combined score of 7-4. It was close, but the Gophs could not get over the hump.

One quick comparison as to why UMD has had a better team the past half-decade than the Minnesota. I bought the program for last year's Women's Frozen Four, which was being held at Ridder. Nearly every player on the Gophers is from Minnesota. The vast majority of UMD players are not from Minnesota. And the Bulldogs beat the U. in the semifinal and beat Cornell in the title game (in triple overtime, I have to add). Conclusion: The Gophers get the best from the state; the Bulldogs get the best from the country. This is a trend that warrants further observation, in this program and others with the U.

They've gotten back on a winning note tonight (Friday night), however, with a 7-5 victory over Wisconsin. However, they still are under .500 (3-4) in the WCHA. They play the Badgers again at Ridder tomorrow (Saturday) afternoon.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -7). Any fancy ideas they could be a contender this year were obliterated in their 1-4 week. They got their first win out of their way last Friday against Milwaukee, but then reality set in.

They sent the signal that they would have trouble again with back-to-backs because they lost by 20 to a Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies team that is getting better but still beatable at home.

Then they went to Miami and Orlando, and expected blowouts came to be. But the Magic game, another back end of a back-to-back, was particularly disgusting. Two dubious records were set Wednesday: It was the worst ass-kicking the Woofie Dogs ever suffered, 42, and Orlando set a franchise record by scoring 78 points in the first half. Yeah, you read that right. Teams sometimes don't score 78 points a whole game. They finished this shit week by losing by ten at home to Atlanta. The Bastard St. Louis Hawks are a real good team; does losing to them by ten count as a moral victory?

Jonny Flynn is still injured, and Ricky Rubio still doesn't want to play here. But those excuses aside, I still have no idea how Head Coach Kurt Rambis is deploying his roster. What are their fucking roles? Who's the #1 scorer? Who's the #2? The #3? The sixth man, etc. I don't think Rambis has any clue.

This Bataan Death March of a season continues with three games this screening week, all on the road: Houston, Bastard Minneapolis Lakers, Sacramento. The number in their win column should remain at "1."

#-8: Gopher football (Last Week: -6). Just playing out the string. I was hoping that maybe, maybe, they would spring a surpise upset of Ohio St. because they were playing the national game Saturday night. And they did ... through the first quarter after they tied the game up at 7. Then they got blitzed the rest of the game 45-3.

Have the players given up? That's a very good question. There is such a talent gap that we probably won't know for sure. We definitely won't know tomorrow (Saturday) early afternoon as they trot out like lambs to the slaughter in East Lansing to play Michigan St.

#-9: Vikings (Last Week: -8). Quick analysis of the loss to New England: Lost like I predicted and many thought. Having Tom Brady basically stand in place and kill clock for two downs knowing the mellifluously named BenJarvis GreenEllis will undoubtedly punch it in on third down is a dick move by Bill Belichick, even if it was genius, because he wants everybody to know that he's a dick and doesn't care what anyone else thinks.

Now, to Mossgate ... both sides are right, and yet both sides are so, so wrong. If you go up to the owner after the game and implored him to fire the coach that he went out of his way to hire, then you say in your press conference that you basically want to suck Belichick's dick, then you tell the coach that you don't respect that you're staying behind to see family against team rules, you're asking to be fired. I wouldn't put it past him.

Then again ... he has talent. Even if he was bitching and moaning about his role, he grabbed two touchdowns and was a big part of opposing defensive coordinators' gameplans all week. There was always double coverage on Moss, and that's why Percy Harvin had so much time to run free; that's gone (and that doesn't even account for Harvin's ankle injury, let alone his migraines). Finally, what if he's right about Head Coach Brad Childress not taking his suggestions in planning against the Patriots?

And this is where it's about the coach. Has he lost the locker room? He may very well have. In fact, Owner Zygi Wilf delayed okaying Moss's waiver because he wanted to talk to players before doing so. Reports say there was a possibility that Wilf was going to fire Childress and keep Moss. Unbelievable.

Finally, as Bill Parcells said, you are what your record says you are. And the Vikings, Childress's team, is 2-5 and tied for last place in the NFC North with the fast-improving Detroit Lions. There is a huge chance that their game this Sunday against the Bastard Chicago/St. Louis Cardinals could be the tipping point of the season, the coup de grace for Chilly's time in Minnesota, and maybe the beginning of the end for the Vikes in Minnesota. They could still go on a run and win the Super Bowl. Or they could give up starting this weekend and turn in a 2-14 season. Right now it could go either way. One thing I know will be true: You will never hear the Metrodome louder with fans booing than Sunday.