I hate that the family dynamic changes when faced with an outside influence. I kind of forget that whenever something like that occurs because it doesn't happen often. But it changes my parents' behavior and my Grandmother's behavior, and thus their behavior towards me. Usually I don't like it. Maybe, just maybe it's not them, but what I perceive is their change in attitude towards me. I still don't like it.
Picked them up from the airport this morning; they were supposed to be here yesterday afternoon. To celebrate, my parents made this gruel that my sister loves to eat and I'm not so hot on. That didn't stop my brother-in-law from wanting coffee, so I did the same.
Turns out they celebrated not just with gruel but with Chinese hot buns. And when I came in, My Father was there, greeting me alongside Mother. That meant he was there when my brother-in-law came in. Did they say hi? Did My Father ... was he actually, gulp, nice to him?
Don't get me wrong, that's great. But the Father I know is an asshole, and treated my brother-in-law mercilessly and coldly the last time he was here. I don't understand the sudden change in temperament. The only theory I can think of is that My Father -- and really Mother too -- is more accepting of my brother-in-law because they are now officially married. Maybe he wasn't so keen on him because at the time they were not a "permanent" couple. Makes some sense in that regard, but he was still an asshole. Oh, you should've seen him -- that was another time when I wished I had enough guts to punch him in the mouth.
Anyway ... so I'm at the dinner table, newly elongated for their stay here. They, Mother and I are eating. Even though I have a mocha, I'm a sucker of eating, so I have a bun and a cup of gruel (which was salty and tasty, by the way -- shit, am I starting to like this gruel too?). Mother's talking up a storm, mostly with my sisster about cooking. She lights up like a Christmas tree with her and that topic. This transformation, unlike Father's, is fun to see.
Mother says my sister should start a business. Wanting to join in the bonhomie of the breakfast, I say, "I hear it's easy to start a business in Zurich."
Which leads to an avalanche of maternal, castrating bullshit I did not forsee and could not stop; how stupid of me. Either trying to make fun at my expense or contributing to the what she thinks is the fun of the moment, she goes: "Why don't you start a business over there? You can learn the language real quick. Stay with them, learn the language and start your business. You've been in Minnesota for years now. Move on."
No. Just ... no. Don't start with me. There were two fucking ulterior motives behind this screed of hers. First, that speech touched on one of my darkest fears: Leaving the house. I'm not proud of living with my parents, but I like it here anyways. And I'll admit it's because of two things: My Grandmother, whom I want to be around if she needs anything or if an accident happens, and the fact that I don't have to pay for most things while living here. If I got out into the Real World, I'll have to worry about rent, utilities, food, gas, insurance ... and that means finding a job I hate. How in the fuck can I do that in this unfair economy? And yet here's my mom, trying to push me out of the nest with that suggestion. Maybe she has more faith in my abilities than I do. But damn, I'm 34 years old. If I haven't left the house by now, don't you think I'm kind of (hope use of this word doesn't haunt me) retarded in some way?
And the other subtext behind this is something my sister told me: A long time ago (well, several years ago, when my sister was still living in the States) my sister and Mother made a pact: If my sister could convince me to teach English in Japan, Mother would give her money. After this little rant she gave me this morning over breakfast, and after I was so stunned by her aggression I was muted like a little bitch and could only wave my hands at her like I was trying to say, "I'm done with this conversation" (I'm tired and do not have the ability to speak words right now), she looked at my sister like, "I tried to help you," and smiled.
And now I feel bad. I'm staying because I'd be homesick, and I'm scared for Grandmother. I know I'll have everything I wanted furnished for me. But you say Minnesota's boring like it's a bad thing. Even though I'm afraid of its rightward drift politically, I think this is a beautiful, awesome, progressive, smart and sexy town. Plus, I like to stay because everything I love is here -- seasons, network news, stripclubs, late-night joints. Why would I leave all of that? Just because? Change is good? Bullshit.
Worst of all, she emasculated me in front of my sister and brother-in-law. It hasn't happened in front of my sister in years, but this is the first time she showed me up in front of my brother-in-law. It's the outside influence represented by them that turns her from this meek mouse who once got beat up by My Fucking Father to a social butterfly who likes to make fun of her slow-developing middle child. I hate that. I fucking hate-hate-hate-hate that!!!
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By the way, I was writing this while my sister and brother-in-law were moving their stuff into her old bedroom. I made a point of switching to another window when they passed by; I don't want them to see that I have a blog, or that I'm writing about them.
But I got sloppy. I left my door open, and my sister stopped for a quick chat. And I turned to face her, totally forgetting that I was looking at this and forgot to switch to another window.
I panicked after she left. I went over to the spot where she was to see if she could see what I was typing. The type was small. But the title of the blog was huge. And I am very near-sighted. And she may or may have been wearing glasses.
Fuck my life.
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