Full Of Anxiety

I dread tomorrow. First of all, my night job has morphed into a day job. I took the night job because I didn't want anybody to see me doing this. Why the fuck did I say yes to this? Because I was promised one more week of working nights, then they said they wouldn't, but then my supervisor supervisor somehow squeezed off three days of work for us (OK, so she may not be that bad), I said yes because I need the money. Hell, we were given the chance to work Black Friday and the following day but during the day, and I rejected it outright because I didn't want to be seen. I am totally going to get busted by someone in high school who thought I'd be a doctor by now.

But first, I'm going to The Store. You know, just to help out. It'll definitely be like walking into Death. I overheard when my brother and sister-in-law came over for Christmas Eve Dinner that ... this is going to be hard for me to type ... they're closing down "soon." There isn't a whole hell of a lot to do there anyways, but I want to be there -- if not for freeing Father to do something in the back, then to, you know, just be there and support the old girl.

I want to be able to do that for a long, long time. But I doubt it. I just don't know when the ax is going to fall. Then again, I don't want to know, because I never want the ax to fall.

You know what I did last night, on Christmas Day? I slept. All day. Had to write an NBA preview column so I went to bed at 7:30. Father woke me up at 6, otherwise I'm sure I would've slept even longer.

And you know what? Even though I'm out of sorts, I loved it. Ten-and-a-half hours of unconsciousness, of not worrying about a huge part of my life and existence soon being taken away from me forever, of being scared I'll be outed by my high school enemies as being an abject failure. This was my day to soothe myself, because tomorrow will be very, very scary.