I still can't believe that I'm 41 years old and I have to go back to doing this shit. After we finish up field testing today, I am back out on the street. I guess this is what happens when you decide there's nothing you want to do as a career when you get out of college. Or when you're 30.
I'm not sure this is the right time for me to not have anything to do. With Grandmother's death, I'm afraid I'll be spending my days alone with my thoughts of her. They say that time heals all wounds. That adage may or may not have anything to do with death. But frankly, the more I think about her, the more I realize that she's not here anymore. I think it's getting harder for me to deal with, and not being occupied with work during the day may might make dealing with it worse.
I haven't even thought about the disruption being unemployed again will bring. I have to get up for no good reason, I have to lie to my parents about where I'm going, I need to find a place and a time to eat all the food they're giving me, I need to figure out how to fucking occupy my day. And that doesn't even include stuff like finding a job, or even getting unemployment. Further complicating matters is that I have chores that I need to do, such as going to the dentist, and fulfilling this study I started back in the winter. And I'm still holding out the possibility that I will fly to Hong Kong for any remembrance arrangements.
So I don't know. In one sense I'm grateful for the free time. But on the other hand, I'm being thrown (or am I throwing myself?) back into instability, something that I never thought an adult should do. I hope I find something that keeps the money rolling in. But in the meantime I'll just ... be. Because there's nothing else I can do, I guess.
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You know, I wish I had the chance to, once it's over of course, live this life over again armed with the experience of what not to do. But that is impossible, of course.
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