Goddamn, Now The Lawnmower Doesn't Work?!

I wanted to mow the lawn at some point early this week.  I initially wanted to just stay inside all day Sunday and watch football, but since I realized I had things I needed to drive to, I thought I should just get that out of the way.

So in the middle of what turned out to be a hot summer day, I start up the mower.  But it revved up slow and remained slow.  The chug-chug-chug of the engine, normally super-fast, revolved at a trackable pace.  And it showed in the grass I wanted to cut; it wasn't cutting, and that's not just because the blade is probably dull and needs to be replaced.  It was rotating so slowly that the grass remained long after I drove over it.

I had to deal with this once before; that's when Father told me where the sparkplug was, and it was dirty enough to be deemed spent.  He told me to go to Menards to get a replacement; I did, replaced the sparkplug, and boom, the mower was like new.

So I did the same thing Sunday afternoon.  But when I put in the new sparkplug the lawnmower was still wheezing and coughing.  And it was slowing down and making loud noises, too.  Scariest of all, I saw puffs of smoke emanating out of the engine at regular intervals.  Sometimes I would see it when I start it up for the first time in the spring, but after it got warmed up, and over the course of the rest of the season, I didn't see it again.  But for the five minutes I tried using it, it was belching like a Rust Belt smokestack.

So there is something fucking wrong with this lawnmower.  Surprised as fuck; we've had it for upwards of a decade now, and it's a Honda/Craftsman, which I believe is a reliable mower, even going on ten years.  But if I can't get it to work after replacing the sparkplug, there's something really wrong with it.  I'm scared it's running on no oil, but I checked the plastic dipstick and it seems wet.  Is it a belt?  Does it need a tune-up?  Is the engine about to blow?

What appears to be my next step is to take it to a hardware store to get it checked out.  That presents its own problems.  How am I going to fit it into my Honda Fit?  I could use my parents' minivan, but just before they left they told me the muffler's broken and the water pump is about to go.

And in the meantime I have a fucked-up-looking front lawn where the outer border is kind of mowed but the rest of it isn't.  What are the neighbors going to think?  And all of it is going to grow as I continue not to mow it.  The only thing I can think of is to ask the help of my sister's best friend.  She doesn't live close to us anymore, but the other day I saw her mow the lawn at her mom's house.  I'll pay her to mow ours if need be.  Actually, with no mower and probably no means to get it fixed, I have no choice.

Of all the goddamn things to worry about, you know?