The Fiery Gatekeeper

It's getting worse, a lot worse.  Now it really burns when I pee.  It's gotten so bad that I have become incontinent, not being able to expel through my pisshole and not feeling the urge to go.  And I thought the pills I got were supposed to make me feel better.

About the not being able to piss thing ... I have no idea how it happened.  But I think pissing has gotten so painful, especially over the course of last night, that my body just shut down that entryway out of my body.  But I still have to pee, as difficult as that is now.  I have this primordial fear that there is a build-up of urine in my bladder.  What can I do?  Work out it out?  Sweat it out?  Or just wait and see that my bladder will burst, giving me septic shock and ... you know.

And then I force myself to piss, even though I don't know if that's the right thing to do.  For the past day or so urinating has been painful to the point of impossibility.  I have no strength, no flow; therefore my pee comes out of my pisshole weakly, and at an odd angle to the opening of my urethra.  It just happened at the Fair last night; after straining for a good minute or so, all I could do is piss my orange piss all around the toilet seat.  And after I got done I saw a couple wet spots on the pants I was wearing.  Good fucking lord, I literally pissed myself for the first time since I was a child, maybe ever.  It was that humiliating an episode.

Maybe my primoridal fear is about urinating -- by which I mean the exact mechanism of pissing itself.  And furthermore, this fear stems from something very specific about my piss, namely where the pain is at its most unbearable.  I'm building up the urge, you know, and then at some point I feel my pee reach the end of my dickhole, and that's when it gets unbearable, you know?  It feels as though I would be fine, and that my urethra is fine, except for the very end of it, right where I can expel my pee out of my body.  It's that part that, for some reason, is turning my life upside-down right now.  And it's only that area, that spot, whether it be a virus or bacteria or soap or rubbing it against my underwear for some goddamn reason or ... some other disease ... whatever the source, I'm going on and on about how I am losing my fucking mind because of the end of my dickhole.  Just that point of pain is backing up everything else, that is making me feel swollen, that is scaring me into thinking that my body is just filling up with liquid waste that will kill me if I don't get it out of me soon.  That is the fiery gatekeeper I'm imagining now.  That is the enemy I have to deal with -- and that I feel I am losing to.

So my plan is to not fight this anymore.  If I have to go, OK, but I'll try not to piss today.  Maybe not shoving urine up through my urethra is part of getting better.  In the meantime I had to listen to my body and go to bed early.  Maybe my body needed me to rest in order to oust this fiery gatekeeper.  And if that doesn't work -- well, I have an arrangement to see my doctor tomorrow.  So the last part of this plan is to pray.