OK, Mr. State Trooper ... when I first saw you tearing ass down 35WS and came up behind me, honestly, I thought you were trying to get around me because there was some incident further down the highway. So I change lanes ... only for you to change lanes right behind me. OK, I thought, you wanted to change lanes too, so I changed them back ... and you changed lanes back to remain right behind me. Then I finally saw what was going on.
So -- were you going to pull me over? If so, why didn't you? Did you want to, oh, intimidate me instead? Because this was a really weird dance we did on a highway during morning rush. When I changed lanes you finally let this shit go, but you slowed down to my rate of speed, like you were stalking me diagonally. I was watching you over to my left side, and not the road, because I didn't know what the hell you were doing. I could have gotten into an accident, and I know that if I did, you would have blamed me, even though you started it. Is that why you were acting so fucking weird -- to bait me into an accident and, what, teach me a lesson?
For fuck's sake, man, why didn't you do something? Either you should have pulled me over, which I knew you wanted to do, or you could have zoomed right by me. Hey, I'll admit that I was speeding. (Everybody else on the fucking highway was speeding too, but even I have to confess that's a tired excuse, no matter how true that is.) You can speed because you're a state trooper. So go ahead. You had the lane all to yourself. Why didn't you just fucking go? Maybe you wanted to pull me over and give me a ticket instead. If so, you should have just fuckin' did it -- pull me over and get this shit over with.
So why didn't you give me a ticket? Did you not have proof that I was speeding? Did you not want to bother giving me a ticket? Or did you want to just abuse your authority and razz me for a few miles, and then make sure I was obeying the law and staying below 60 for the rest of my trip?
Or was it because I was one of those guys who cut in on that huge back-up before the tunnel? Hey, I admit that I did that. That was one hell of a back-up, don't you think? But I wasn't the only one to do that. In fact, there was one other asshole car who cut through and did worse. I remember that car because he or she was speeding all the way from 694. I have the license plate and description, too. Do you want it? 790 RLG. A red Explorer. The driver didn't just merge onto one lane; she or he immediately took the next lane, too, and then she or he was tailgating the car right ahead of her or him. That driver was doing that ever since it blew past me. You saw that car ... right? If you were doing your job, you would have pulled over that road rager instead of pestering me. (I know you saw that goddamn car because I remember seeing you in that traffic jam -- you aren't the only observant one here, boyo.)
But instead you decided to bother me, because I was by far the worst driver out there. So I was a good boy. When you stayed on that lane that was backed up onto Crosstown, I drove past you and stayed on 35WS -- at 60 miles per hour. I made sure that I stayed below the speed limit. You made sure I was too. Don't deny we were looking at each other as I drove past you. Just know that I'll be driving as fast as I can tomorrow, and chances are, you won't be around to catch me then.
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